Need people's views on what just happened in my home

I agree it is overused (in MN diagnostic). However, there is the genetics factor, so when there is a child with diagnosis, it is a relevant possibility.

He IS the bad guy. Giving a child a pudding isn’t poor parenting. Throwing a child from a chair however is abuse. You would know that if you were a parent.

I think she misses the point . it’s not about the pudding. It’s about undermining his authority with his son & making him look like the bad guy

Comparing one poor parenting behaviour to a worse one does not make the first one better.

Why does everyone on MN diagnose people they have have never met as neurodiverse? Honestly it’s getting ridiculous. This is a situation that got out of hand. Clearly your husband should not have acted as he did. You need to talk it through with him and agree on how to deal with similar situations in the future. Which I am sure you will.

I feel so sorry for you OP. From where i see it, it's your husband who needs to learn new parenting skills. A lot of children who are ASD do have issues with food, your husband clearly knows that, but decides to make it his way anyway, and tries to force his 'normal' on to his son. He is not trying to understand your son in any way and this will affect the poor boy. He doesn't understand why he likes food a certain way or type, he isn't being awkward. I think your husband sees him as an awkward, spoiled by his mother, child. If your husband is unwilling to learn more, your poor son is in for a lot more shouting matches. Could you suggest some online learning? Make it something you both do at the same time, so you can try to create some unity?

Well done OP. I hope your husband embraces the opportunity to get the help he needs to be a better dad.

Well done, OP, that took a lot to go to the school with this. Have you told H that you've done this? I really hope that he will now take on board that this behaviour can never be repeated and that he needs to make a lot of changes going forwards.

I'm glad you're okay. Hopefully, everyone will get the support they need. I think Hs level of engagement with the support will really show you if your marriage is salvageable. I'm routing for you. I think you are a great mum and thatcwhatever happens you'll work towards the best interests of your kids.

Has your husband worked part-time since the children were born?
Would it be possible for you to switch roles at this point or for both of you to work full-time and put the children in wrap-around care?

@NimbleDreamer

Or they could separate and OP would do everything by herself forever more!

I’d rather show him / teach him how to be a better Dad. Give him the opportunity to sit back and learn.

@Spiderwoman123 How are you all doing today? How are you a DS feeling? I'm thinking of you x

This is hilarious.

He works part time already and she works full time. You would then give him the week off to just chill AFTER he has already physically abused his child, and leave her to do all of the exhausting work in looking after 2 DC, 1 of who is ASD, and all of the housework herself.

Mumsnet really is the pits isn't it? Either that or you must be a man and/or the OP's DH.

Up and down the land, especially at this time of year parents will be on a short fuse.

What is expected of people in this country is absolutely ridiculous. The pace of life, the school curriclum, the cult of the individual, greed everywhere.

Of course it is not right for one second to hurt a small child but there is a back story here.
Children are tired, ill , can't cope with 10 hour days and the relentless drive to pass tests. It's madness.

Dear @BecauseIWantTo , I do hope the OP reads your post.

@Spiderwoman123 's DH seems autistic to me, and that post offers an alternative view and also a possible way through this painful frustrating situation.

He threw his child to a concrete floor, in anger, over a chicken nugget. He could have killed him. The child was lucky to not have been injured.

Did you not read the bit where I said I don't care about the feelings of the grown man abusing his child? I DON'T CARE. He is an adult, he has resources. He has been invited many, many times by the OP and others to engage with support and advice and he has refused. He has chosen to continue using emotional, verbal, and now physical abuse. And after attacking his six-year-old, instead of being horrified at himself and being triggered to make big changes, he acted the victim and tried to blame it all on his kid.

His behaviour is abusive. Whether or not that makes him abusive is just semantics, and it's irrelevant. OP and her family have to deal with his behaviour, not his motivations.

I swear to God, some people will excuse a man any amount of abuse and violence on the grounds that they feel sorry for him. Where's your compassion for the children who are growing up terrified and having their spirits crushed by this relentless ordeal?

Food seems to be a flash point here. Can't you just lay out a tray with a few options and the rest of the family eat together if they wish?

( short term)

I say again - do you have an ND child? Are you an ND family? There are so many variables here! This is a discussion forum - yes, OPs DH may be abusive, BUT he could just be coming up up against their son, because they are so similar. Both equally as rigid, inflexible and volatile emotionally. So with social support this might be resolved.

Bless you, our home life is the same. I worry for our teenage years when our DC is stronger and bigger. Your own body as a parent is constantly in fight and flight, and you have to keep your cool else your ND child will escalate as you escalate.
For those who don't have ND children - unfortunately it takes so much energy to keep that in check, that some parents struggle, so OPs DH could well have just tipped over into his own fight mode.

Spider woman you really aren't alone.

This sounds so hard, and I'm really sorry you're going through it. From what you've said, you've been pouring everything you have into keeping the family together and functional - You're the main earner; attending courses and being main POC with Senco; attending counselling; all while dealing with your husband's refusal to engage or active pushing back on your efforts to make things better. That's a lot of emotional and literal labour.

I think you're right to trust your gut. It doesn't sound like it was a one-off; it sounds like you've been stemming the tide of your husband's escalating behaviour for a long time, and now it's overflowed he's refusing to take accountability and is blaming you and his child. This is 100% abusive: the charity were right to tell you that events matter less than responses in any relationship - I imagine if his response had been 'o my god I'm not coping, I'm so sorry, I need help' and then followed through on working to repair the relationship with his son and you, getting help for his own issues and working to change his behaviour, you'd feel differently. But instead, he's blamed you, blamed a 6 year old, and seems to be having an ongoing tantrum about the fact you've taken it as seriously as it deserves.

You can only do so much - you've held up your end admirably and for a long time, but you can't make him do the same. If this is a red line for you - and in a similar situation, it was for me - it is OK to hand his responsibility back to him, centre your children and yourself, and walk away.

Your DH sounds like my autistic DP.

I went through a period of hating him and wanting to leave him because he seemed so uncommunicative, I thought he had no compassion or feelings and after my mum died he seemed unsupportive and I felt like I was a nuisance for grieving.

To start with he refused to believe he was autistic but I treated him as he was anyway and used my knowledge from working with autistic adults and parenting autistic children and learned to communicate with him in a way he would understand and respond to.

I could easily see him saying something similar your DP said at counselling about wondering how you got onto the subject of a miscarriage and this would have deeply hurt me in the past.
I’ve had similar comments from DP when discussing an upsetting subject but realised it’s not that he isn’t hurting or doesn’t care, it’s just his confusion on not keeping up with how the conversation is progressing and questioning it.
I stay calm and explain why things like this hurt me now, I’ve had to advocate for my feelings a lot and be open about what hurts me without expecting my DP to just understand. He often doesn’t know why something hurts or upsets me but he will now apologise and remember for next time rather than being defensive.

It took me a long time to see how much DP struggled and masked and how his short temper and frustrated outbursts at times were due to autism and at times genuine meltdowns. He was never violent towards me but he would shout, slam doors and at times hit himself in the face or pull his hair if he was really agitated, this was usually when he couldn’t express how he was feeling and he was feeling defensive over me criticising him or being upset with him.

People make allowances for children with autism and take the time to parent differently and learn how to understand autistic children but that seems to stop and we have different expectations of adults. I don’t see why we expect them to grow out of it? If anything it’s just a case of masking longer and feeling like going through life and guessing the unwritten rules but then being unable to understand people who break the “rules” that were enforced on them growing up. It’s very hard to break the pattern of your own upbringing and what were your parents rules and values when they are ingrained.

My DP is like a different partner now. He started being honest and open about his feelings knowing I’d never judge or get angry and despite it taking ages to get the information I actually need I take the time to listen. I realise that the details that are irrelevant to me are important to get to understand what he was thinking/feeling.
In the past I’d interrupt or try to hurry him to get to the point when a story about a minor altercation in Tesco started from the moment he woke up!
I also never ask questions or for more information which means he’s more likely to offer it.
He doesn’t get defensive when I pull him up about something that upsets me anymore because I never challenge him or use emotive language, I have also worked out that trying to get him to imagine how he’d feel in the same situation works a lot of the time although sometimes he just can’t comprehend it.

My DP is open at work and with people about being autistic now (after walking out on two jobs over minor disagreements that were huge to him) and wears a sunflower wristband, this means instead of second guessing things or masking when he’s struggling he tells people so he is coping better and less stressed and frustrated at home.
I don’t give him lots of information in one go or ask him to do jobs round the house, I tell him how I feel and what needs doing and he cracks on.
I tell him how much I love him constantly, thank him for the things he does and this means he feels appreciated and does as much as he can to please me. I know he will never think to buy me flowers and resents any expectations like that because they wouldn’t occur to him (a friend and my sister once commented separately that he had never done it) but he buys me chocolate when I’m on my period, my face cream when I’ve run out, slippers because my feet were cold etc.

If you can communicate better with your husband whether you stay with him or not it’s going to improve you and your kids lives beyond measure. It sounds like your husband is struggling as much as you and I’m not defending what he did but I can also sympathise. I bet he’s feeling lost inside but you’d never know, I was so surprised at how much my DP feels and how much he goes over things that at the time I didn’t think he gave a shit over or affected him at all.
I also realised the more defensive he is and makes excuses for his behaviour the more he cares.

I feel like you are putting all the hours into learning about autism for your son but not your DH. You thought his comment was strange about the floor not being hard and almost hollow, that’s his guilt and him trying to convey to you that he didn’t mean to harm your son, he’s obviously going over it in his mind and my DP once told me with a similar situation he tries to justify things to make it easier because apologising makes it sound like it was intentional and in his mind it absolutely wasn’t.
You say counselling didn’t work but it doesn’t a lot of the time for autistic adults as they won’t open up to someone they don’t trust and will just be masking.

Is it possible to have any time together without your kids? Would you want to try to reconnect?
I honestly felt I’d stopped loving my DP but I am so glad I worked on things now because I realise there was a completely different person inside him that I didn’t even know and is kinder and more sensitive then I could ever realise and has the ability to be supportive and understanding more then I could have imagined.
We have been together 15 years but I think it was 3 years in before I really even started to get to know him properly and it was only when we nearly separated during Covid that I felt I know him as well as you can ever know someone.
It might be worth trying just for your children or even just to improve your parenting relationship together so you are on the same page.

I can understand posting on mumsnet for advice but you’ll get a lot of advice when people only have one side of the story and don’t know anyone involved. It’s a good idea to be able to get things of your chest and talk but I think you need proper professional help and some people aren’t capable to seeing a bigger picture and will give you knee jerk advice to leave or tell you how awful your husband is when we really don’t know the full story at all. Your emotional response will be to protect your children which is obviously the biggest priority but I think leaving your husband without trying to work on things first might do more harm then good, he’s still going to be in your children’s lives and you will still be parenting differently.
I also think involving the school will be a similar experience and you need impartial support for everyone.

It sounds like you are struggling and have taken on everything yourself and are now resenting this. I think a lot of women do the same thing because we are better at seeing what needs to be done and cracking on with it.
Have you asked your DH and told him what you need or are you expecting him to help? Do you criticise what he does help but does things differently?
I took on everything because I wouldn’t ask for help and wanted it all done my way as I thought it was the most efficient (it often is!) now DP helps with a lot more and it might not be how I’d do it but I don’t feel as resentful and unsupported and if I need to redo something then I do. Now if DP sees my way works best he does it - to be fair I do often adopt a lot of his ways as well.
Take into account the things you have learned about autism for your son and imagine how you’d feel if he grows up and marries a woman who has the same expectations for him as a NT person.

I am also ND so I think this helps me to emphasise as I also struggle in a world that’s built around NT people. I’m not autistic but it did help me to understand a lot about how my DP feels as we have a lot of similar traits and experiences.

I know a lot of this post is focusing on your husband and not your kids but sometimes I think adults needs get completely forgotten or pushed aside when kids come along. I’m not excusing what he did at all but this is one incident and you haven’t posted about a long history of abuse or your DH deliberately hurting his kids or you.
If that was the case then I’d say in no uncertain terms to leave but other posters have also picked up on the fact that this seems to be an outburst from frustration and the inability to cope rather then deliberate cruelty.

I don’t know if you’ll read this as it’s very long (sorry) but I hope you get the help you all need and things improve. Please don’t listen to anyone putting pressure on you to follow their suggestions, they aren’t living your life and can’t really advise you on anything based on a one sided mumsnet post.

I also wanted to add that I have absolute respect that you are doing everything you can in a very difficult situation and that I completely emphasise as it sounds like I’m just championing for your DH in my post.
You seem like a strong kind wonderful mother and you deserve a happy and loving marriage, if you truly feel that you can never achieve that then I wasn’t intending to try to pressure you to stay with your DH.
I just wanted to give you my perspective as someone with an autistic partner who understands the challenges and frustrations that brings but also we got through a period where it hadn’t been for Covid we would have separated.

However much support he gets elsewhere, your son is never going to learn to control his violent impulses if he's around an adult who can't control his own. Your husband doesn't have the self-awareness or emotional maturity to be a father, especially not to a child with additional needs. It's probable he never will. Yes, it sucks that he gets to escape his responsibilities and you can't. But you cannot risk raising any child in an environment this volatile.

His reaction afterwards is what I’d focus on. If I lost my cool and did that I’d be mortified.

@Differentforgirls

Yes he is! But they need help sometimes too.

Don’t get me wrong - what he did was totally unacceptable but there’s an underlying issue there that may be easily resolved with a bit of understanding that he’s not coping.

I bet he doesn’t want to lose his family and would be mortified if he did. So anything is worth a try!

Ofcourse, only if this type of incident was a one-off and there’s no pattern of abusive behaviour.