Need people's views on what just happened in my home

I wish you all the best OP. I just wanted to say a couple of things.

First, your marriage is dead in the water. I think you should accept that you cannot change this man and you cannot live with him as he is. Figure out what you need to do next to secure your future without him.

Second, be prepared tomorrow for your husband to play and say a very different story to the scene that went down in your house. I suspect he will want to talk about your different parenting styles, describe his one on one outing with ds, how you make the kids emotional etc. His primary focus in this meeting will likely be to make sure people think it was your fault.

I urge you to remember why you are in the meeting and keep repeating it. "Well I referred us to the school because you were violent toward ds" or "well I was emotional because you had thrown your son on the floor from a height" or "yes both boys were crying as was I - because you threw ds to the ground in front of us"

OP, I think you would be better emotionally if you only had one ‘angry and unkind’ male to deal with. You might not get it all right with the one you ‘keep’ but at least you would only have the emotional drag of one.

@Spiderwoman123 I haven’t rtft but it’s quite possible that dc’s behave perfectly when with H on their own because they manage their behaviour and could be scared of him. In ND terms that’s masking. Like the autistic kids who are perfectly behaved at school but completely go to pieces/lash out when they get home (where they feel safe).

neurodiverse children need support to live in a neurotypical world. Make the world easier by feeding dc things he likes & is comfortable with because that’s going to make his life easier for him and he’s more likely to manage with the demands he’ll be placed under every single day - even with adjustments at school everything will just be harder for him.

the most ridiculous and presumable frustrating part of all of this is H won’t accept your advice on an approach but you have 2.5 years’ evidence that it’s working

This reads very victim blamey to me. OP has challenged and communicated with her H for years, trying to facilitate a more collaborative approach to parenting. H isn’t interested in engaging and feels any learning is beneath him because he’s already the expert. This isn’t about OP being too soft with him, or her DS. His behaviour is the problem-something he won’t accept or shine a light on, unlike OP who’s constantly tying herself in knots and doubting and questioning herself. Parenting children with challenging behaviour many people believe should be about having extremely firm boundaries, but there’s plenty of evidence emerging that points to this being counterproductive. Be that as it may, OP’s son is in a frightening, toxic, stressful, anxious, unhappy environment-I would say arguably it’s helpful and right for them that OP is providing patience, tolerance, collaboration, compassion and flexibility to a child going through a lot already. Undoubtedly her DS is doing the very
best he can and as well as he can, as a little emerging person-sadly his father doesn’t even seem to be trying, indeed he is justifying his lack of control and behaviour-holding his son to a much higher standard than himself

He’s so nasty to you :( and he probably’behaves’ because he’s scared.
You are the good parent here.

Hi OP. You said you see the similarities between your husband and son; are there also similarities in the way you let them treat you? It sounds like you’ve put up with a lot from your DH over the years (been too soft on him, made excuses for him, always seen the positives as outweighing the negatives) which is ironic as I assume this how your DH perceives you treat your DS…and wants you to get tougher. Do you need to be tougher? With both of them? DH definitely sounds ND - perhaps you use the same strategies on your son and DH unconsciously?

You and yoir children are in an abusive home, terrorised by a hughly abusive man.

Please tell the truth and ask for help to leave.
You deserve so much better than this.

You leave the fucker

Oh please. My DS used to batter me, lashing out on a daily basis, for years when he was little. I was covered in bruises, and had no support. Never once did I choose to retaliate with violence or physically lose it like OP’s husband with the chair. I cannot understand making excuses for a man in his 40’s who’s incensed about a chicken nugget.Yes children test our patience in unthinkable ways but it’s on us to model behaviour we want to see, not flip out and lose it because of some power dynamic over food. Terrifying and hurting your children then justifying it after having time to reflect is abhorrent.

I think your husband is being desperately unkind, and his unchecked anger and behaviour is abusive. Instead of facing this it seems like you’re blaming and questioning yourself. The more you reveal the more it’s clear that he’s abusing you.

I also begged my exH have some counselling/therapy for his anger and lashing out (verbal and physical). He did go, but unbeknownst to me spent that time talking exclusively about how I wasn’t nice enough to him and then proceeded to pursue another woman.

I could be wrong but from what you’re describing your husband is being cruel, kicking you when you’re down and assassinating your parenting, which I think is remarkably thoughtful and fair despite adverse circumstances. I was constantly criticised by various people for my different and collaborative approach to parenting-my son is unrecognisable from the child he was when exH was living with us and creating problems. DS is now nothing like his father, and your son cannot blossom in my opinion in an unhappy environment where he sees his mother being disrespected and unvalued. Please stop questioning yourself and protect your son-you cannot do this with your H in the house behaving as he is. Your H isn’t listening and doesn’t care about taking accountability or supporting you or your son. I’m so sorry, it’s a horrible situation for you

so? That is never an excuse for what he did to his child or what he says to his wife

I have been pushed to the limit parenting DS and j have never crossed the lines he has ever

I find it very difficult to empathise with DH. He has been bullying OP and their child, scapegoating the older child and setting up a situation where everyone lives in fear in case they do something that's against the rules.

I think you’ve been very fair in taking responsibility for where weaknesses may lie with you. You seem to appreciate the behaviour your DS shows to you & I also think this incident has been a catalyst to get this sorted. I think you’re a good mom. Soft but a good mom where your loyalty lies with your son as it should. You’ve taken a bashing both of the likes of me & my opinion & those that can’t believe you’ve not LTB (I’m using the mumsnet abbreviation). You’ve trying your best to be considered despite being immensely & rightly furious. I also don’t blame you (even though it may look like I have) you’re a mom, I’m a mom & I’ve done the same. I have older children & I’ve learnt that picking your battles are a must regardless of your child’s need. However, I’ve also learnt that the small battles are the easiest one & the most effective. Having small rules that have black & white consequences make the bigger things easier. If I was at a restaurant & my child refused to eat, I’d probably concede on the dessert. I’d see the meal as a treat & because I’d want to repeat it id want my child to see it that way to. That would be me picking my battles.

as for your personal relationship with your H, I don’t condone he talks to you they way he does. It’s out of order. I’ve only kept my opinions to the issue at that time. Your children shouldn’t be seeing their dad disrespecting you, that in itself is causing problems.

H has been pushed to the limit

and I really do think that is a huge issue. Your DS has become a battle in your relationship and that is an awful place for him to be because it means you are constantly questioning your parenting so aren’t following your instincts and judgments and your DH has become so entrenched in being right that he can’t see anything beyond that.

look at the initial argument that you posted all he cared about was whether he was right or wrong in the context of your relationship that his son was merely an inconvenience to it all.

Your toxic relationship is incredibly unhealthy and I don’t think can be fixed

That’s not what the husband says happens. He is actively saying his son is calm in his presence & plays up when the mom turns up. It is then reasonable if he’s telling the truth that the mom isn’t the calming influence. The son knows his boundaries when around dad on his own, which is probably why he is calmer. He knows where he stands as every study in this area will suggest with regards to boundaries and behaviour. Mom turns up & now child can play them against each other. He may not have wanted the nuggets but he wanted the pudding. One parent won’t give it the other will. He knows mom just gives it him regardless of what dad says (which actually goes against the very comment of his way or no way), the dad over reacts & steps way out of line. But because he did wrong doesn’t mean the events leading up to it means he was in the wrong to be fustrated. I pointed out that she was undermined the husband on this. He had already expressed the no to pudding on numerous occasions. To go against it doesn’t just undermines his authority but makes him the bad guy in the eyes of his son. A united front would have seen a more cohesive way to get the son to follow rules. It’s not an unfair rule & it’s not a cruel rule but quite a simple one to enforce & could lead to encouraging the child to eat & an excuse to lavish some ott praise. Something the lad could of been genuinely proud to achieve. Instead the stance of it’s only a pudding means you missed the point & are unable to see it from a different perspective. Showing a complete lack of respect for your partners feelings. She also went on to say the H has no interest in mediation & seeing anyone else’s view then later admitting they did therapy & also recently he’s willing to go to school meetings. I don’t know this family & I could be completely wrong, but I saw the contradictions in her events. He’s this & that & wont listen etc therapy was a sessions about how I’m in wrong etc. well of course it will be, he’s telling his point of view & you have to say yours when it’s your turn to speak. It’s not meant to be done politely it’s meant to be done in a calm safe environment. You can’t hold it against him if he’s partaking & telling you what’s wrong.

He's an abusive dickhead OP. He violently abused his own child and he's now boasting about how much better behaved DS1 is with him, as though he is father of the fucking year.

He delights in insulting you and tearing you down. Being a total cunt obviously does wonders for his own esteem. He's utterly unbearable and I'm sure he must make your skin crawl.

I think that the kids fawn over him because they are so grateful when he is being nice to them. But he's not consistent and he's got an agenda.

As ever, there may be a germ of truth in some of what he says, possibly she might be able to raise the bar and ask more of her son. But the bigger picture of her husband's communication is that he's nearly as bad as her son. Her husband doesn't acknowledge any germ of truth in what she says even though she can at least calm their son down and he does the opposite. And he makes his points not by rational argument to support what he thinks (as you do) but by just laying down the law "it's the truth"and sometimes just by verbally savaging her.

"H says he doesn't need a course or book to tell him how to parent"

He knew that directly hitting the child made his intentions obvious.. but lifting up a chair with a curled up crying child and tipping them onto a hard kitchen floor was clearly intended to physically hurt them.

He's also trying to pin the blame on you. You comforted them.. and he argues this is what made the cry.

He is a nasty abusive bully.

Don't make excuses for him to your child. When your child asked you is this what some daddies are like ie... he's asking you should I just accept this, is this normal..

It may sound soothing to say ... he didn't mean to hurt you... but the truth is, he did and both you and your son know it.

Im sorry you are both going through this.

@Spiderwoman123 Reading your situation reminds me so much of what I went through with my exH. It was so hard for me to accept that our marriage was a sham-he didn’t respect me, that I had wasted years of my life begging, pleading, hoping, asking in every conceivable way for him to learn about our son’s diagnosis (PDA) and parent in ways that wouldn’t make things harder for me or DS. My exH put his need to be right and in charge (based on nothing but his uneducated belief that he knew best), above his vulnerable child’s wellbeing. He seemed to actually enjoy belittling me and criticising me whilst actively making it even harder for me to help my son. He and others told me I was too soft. I didn’t even recognise that I was compensating for the toxic situation that I was in. A situation that I didn’t recognise for what it was because I was so utterly exhausted and ground down by the life I was being subjected to. I had normalised my exH’s awful behaviour. I have another child with significant physical disabilities which also meant I was being stretched to the limit, with no outside support or help of any kind. I didn’t think I could cope alone because I had no idea how much harder and more stressful exH was making life, in a cruel heartless way to try and crush my voice and make me accept what I knew was wrong.
As soon as I asked exH to leave after an incident similar to yours, as I couldn’t risk something like that happening again, life became so much easier. DS calmed almost instantly, his lashing out stopped and it was possible to have a healthy dynamic at home because everyone felt safe respected listened to and valued.
I wish I had left sooner. I will always carry the guilt that I kept trying to fix the unfixable, rather than accepting that exH, despite being given every opportunity, couldn’t or wouldn’t recognise that his behaviour was damaging and abusive.

I hope you find the strength and courage to move forward in ways that mean you and your children are treated with respect, compassion, understanding, love
and support by those around you

The truth probably is that neither are handling it correctly and need a far more united balance third approach one that isn’t strict and harsh but balanced and fair. One that isn’t caving and giving in but consistent and boundaries.

the real issue though is how he treats the OP