Need people's views on what just happened in my home

please ignore comments about 'weak parenting' op. Absolutely laughable from people who have no idea what it is like having an autistic child.

Sorry but I actually really hate the suggestion your husbands neurodiverstiy is causing this.

My child is autistic and my husband also used to get very very stressed at mealtimes. It is REALLY hard having an ND kid who is fussy like this.

My husband would take himself for a walk when meals happened as he got so wound up

You see what I said - he took himself for a walk. He didnt throw kids around.

I'm so sorry OP.

you are not a weak parent, it sounds like you've been doing the work of two parents.

this isn't ok, you know that, your reaction is telling you that. Hopefully your H knows that deep down too.

at the end of the day, no matter who said what your son was hurt and your H WON'T control himself around him. Not can't won't. If this was in a restaurant with others around would H have done it? If his parents were there would he? His workmates? I'm guessing no - so he can control himself he just gives himself licence not to in certain situations and if you look the other way you do too.

this means you have to protect your son from him - this is the indicator. Im so sorry I know this is more work for you.

from now, no arguing about who said what when - you're responding to your son being hurt and preventing it happening again.

look at the patterns and respond and tell H if he won't try to change and engage with education you will look for help from friends and family or support workers or babysitter around when you can't be

Your husband is a dick. I don’t care if he is autistic, he’s still a grown up and essentially fighting with a 6yr old ND kid is appalling. He needs to get a grip. He’s supposed to be setting an example not escalating conflict.

Here is what you do..

You tell your husband (who sounds as if he is ND himself I have not read the whole thread, so apols if this has come out) that violence (which this was) is 100% unacceptable.

You remind him that if his child had banged his head on the floor or been sufficiently injured, at the very least, you would be at A and E now and he would be getting arrested for assaulting his own child.

You tell him if he lifts a finger to that child ever again you will call the police on him.

You let the child eat what he wants and never make any sort of fuss about his eating. You give him the food, he eats what he eats and that's the end of it. You keep your husband entirely out of this dynamic. If he makes an effort to eat something new, maybe he gets pudding. Your decision..

Your husband needs a very short sharp shock and absolutely no more chances. No excuses and no casting blaming around either.

I don’t think husband’s reaction suggests he’s ND…I think there’s many NT people who would find parenting a child like that extremely frustrating and beyond what they can cope with.

It must be utterly shite for those diagnosed with autism and who manage not to abuse their children to read that it's the reason for an endless parade of men who abuse their children. I can't remember the last time I read a thread about a man's appalling behaviour and it didn't come back to neurodivergence.

Not defending your husband but we’ve all done things as parents we regret. Let things cool down & tell him that it was out of order, emotions are to high now.

There’s an issue around dinner & I would say I do agree with your H when it comes to giving him treats after not eating. It’s not necessarily a ND trait to play up at dinner time especially when they know the thing they want to eat is on offer. you do need to be tougher. My daughter was a pain when it came to meal times at your son’s age only wanting to eat beige foods. I started doing her a few smiley faces with her dinner. Just a couple to make the dinner more appealing. The first thing it did was stop the full on strop when she came to the table. She could see something she would eat. I then would say there’d be nothing else unless she tried the other things. She’d pull a face but ultimately tried it. I think I did this for about 6 months & she switched. She started leaving the foods she preferred instead choosing to eat the food that would result in a treat. She went from picky to adventurous. She’ll try anything. My son is different because I didn’t make the same mistakes he actually prefers healthier foods. You and hubby need to have a plan & work together. Because at the minute it’s him against everyone else & even though his reaction was abhorrent I can see how frustrated he must feel. He isn’t wrong to try & get your son to eat better and show manners.

None of that is relevant to an ND child. Was your brother ND?

Do you understand that “rewarding” desert for eating something they cannot physically eat does not work and can be damaging?

Your husband even sniping back and forth with a 6 year old is appalling. Why is he trying to intimidate him? He is SIX. I don't care for forty million posts speculating on whether your husband also has autism.

It’s quite obvious where DS gets his ASD from.

Words that would be coming out of my mouth

You just fucking assaulted your child!
I don’t care if he tried to hit you he’s a six year old child, your a fucking adult, grow up!
You blame my parenting one more time and we are done!
at least I’m trying to be a better parent by understanding his issues what the fuck have you done!
a child not liking their dinner is no excuse to stand over them and intimidate them, if it was a&es would be full of children flipped off their chairs every fucking night by parents!
im sick of parenting 3 children, grow the fuck up, even better go see a dr before I take my children and leave your childish violent arse here!

My DH has adhd and has been known to fly off the handle easily and struggles with some other things, I would and have said these things including “I don’t give a fuck about your adhd your the adult here”

There is no way I’d stand back and let this happen again. I also no longer have quiet words, I make sure any times I feel the need to call him out, which hasn’t been for a long time, I do so as it’s happening and I front of the DCs. I’m all for parents being on the same page and a united front but not at the detriment to my children.

Duplicate post.

God, the number of times I read people giving neuro diversity as an excuse for behaviour. Yes, it explains the urge to behave in certain ways, but it's not a get out of jail free card to give you carte blanche to terrorise and physically abuse your child. It doesn't matter if he's a card carrying triple A rated top autist ever. He's hurt your child. Do you know how many times I've hurt my children when I've felt like I'm struggling to cope? Zero. None. Because as a parent I don't get the choice.

God, the number of times I read people giving neuro diversity as an excuse for behaviour. Yes, it explains the urge to behave in certain ways, but it's not a get out of jail free card to give you carte blanche to terrorise and physically abuse your child. It doesn't matter if he's a card carrying triple A rated top autist ever. He's hurt your child. Do you know how many times I've hurt my children when I've felt like I'm struggling to cope? Zero. None. Because as a parent I don't get the choice.

Did he tip the chair forward or backwards OP. I can see tipping it forward he might think DS would slide off and be ok, tipping it backwards is more questionable

It sounds as though he's really struggling to parent a child that is ND and I would seriously question his being the default parent if he's working part time. He cannot lose control like that on a repeated basis.

Our eldest has got ADHD, DH and she used to lock horns something terribly. I felt like a referee most of the time between the two of them, and actually ended up making DH move out for a few months so he could take a deep breath and see how damaging his black and white parenting attitude was to our DD and the rest of us. Your DH needs to learn to walk away before he loses control like that again. And that may not be around you all, I'm sad to say.

Your instincts are right OP, if you're DH is shaken by his loss of control and promising not to do it again with agreed changes, thats one thing....blaming you still ...then you have to act...he assaulted your son...he could have fractured his skull

This is assault. This is awful. You ask him to leave the house, you change the locks and you do not let him near your son unless and until he goes into an abuser program. Forget all this bollocks about poor regulation and neurodiversity. Your husband was in complete control of himself and chose to drop your son on the floor rather than hit him presumably because it gave him the option of plausible deniability and he knew that hitting a child might be more likely to prompt you to leave him. But in my opinion what he did was a thousand times worse than hitting a child in a moment of dysregulation. It was a sadistic, cold and calculated act. Take care, be careful.

OP from what I’ve read, you don’t seem like a weak parent. You seem like a caring and responsible parent who is working with their autistic child - and pretty well.

There are no bad foods - one day where a child eats pudding after not having a full dinner isn’t the end of the world. Fed is best.

Picking up the chair like that sounds completely unacceptable. Not sure how others are interpreting this differently.

Just wanted to share some support OP as this sounds really difficult to go through.

A lot of problems come from not checking people the first time they try you.

You let someone walk all over you, and they will continue to do so.

This especially applies with angry men.

It sounds frustrating for everyone. Sounds like you are all at the end of the teather. However, I don’t see why eating cucumber warrants a desert. It would have been better for him to have just filled up on cucumber and gets dessert if he tries something new. My brother only ate rice and chicken, but it was my mums fault for allowing it. Now he is a grown up he eats lots more food but if very small and looks under developed where he wasn’t getting the right food as a growing child.

There’s always a first time isn’t there?

Yes. It’s fascinating to watch a thread about the welfare of a child slowly creep into a discussion about the welfare and needs of the man who was violent towards him . . .

This. Just like any form of abuse. A line has been crossed. Once crossed it will be very likely crossed again .

Your instincts are correct OP, and you’re son has no one to protect him but you.

If your child repeats what happened , you are at risk of social services finding that you are failing to protect him if you simply do nothing and hope for the best 💐