Need people's views on what just happened in my home

^This
If your son has food issues, they aren’t going to suddenly be cured when you’re not around, either he is giving him what he knows he will eat so there isn’t an issue or he’s somehow making him eat it.

Yes, children don't eat for all sorts of reasons.

Children and food is a really bad one to get wound up about. You're essentially denying your child's autonomy over what they put in their mouth.

Battles over food are damaging and never worth it.

You are your son’s protector. You can tell school first. Don’t put all the responsibility onto a small child to tell someone.

Your 6 year old child isn't manipulating you, but your grown ass husband is trying to.

@Spiderwoman123

a few observations;

your son is ASD, that in itself puts pressures on your family, you seem to be well informed about how best to support your son, your husband does not seem to be coping therefore he needs to better educate himself.

You mentioned that your husband is the family chef and it royally pisses him off if the kids criticise his efforts. This could be addressed simply by putting the food into serving dishes on the table and each person helps themselves to what appeals best. Could that be an improvement for you all?

There should certainly be a concerted effort for finding a creative solution around mealtimes that will suit both your husband and your son.

Finally and most importantly to you my lovely. You're trying to keep your family afloat but you sound exhausted, stressed and unsupported by a husband who needs to do better.

I presume, as you seem to be the higher earner that you've made a family decision for you to be full-time whilst he is part-time? But that surely means he then should take off some of the mental load not add to it.

He, your husband is not your third child, you both should be facing the challenges of having an ND son, together.

What he did with your son shows that he is not coping.

So, in a calm moment, you need to have a conversation about how best to move forward to ensure a safe and contented home, for all of you.

I wish you all the very best @Spiderwoman123 it is not unfixable but changes should be made. 🌸

This 💯

Id have already called 101.

No! Do not make excuse for an abusive arsehole who is bullying a 6 year old child. I say this a ND parent of 2 ND children.

The incident itself is bad enough, but what worries me is that this seems to be a flavour of your DH's general parenting - shouty, aggressive, high conflict.

The absolute opposite to what a child dealing with your DS's challenges needs.

Where is your DS's safe space? Life is going to be hard enough for him at school, he needs support and allowances made at home. In a shouty, aggressive, judgemental atmosphere where everyone is walking on eggshells, how is this little boy meant to decompress?

The fact that your husband is defending himself and still trying to blame a small child I think says it all… No apology or feeling remorse? That’s what’s worrying to me after what he has done!

Please listen to your child, op. He is trying really hard to tell you what’s going on.

Prepare yourself for that story to get relaid to your son’s support staff and for that to be logged on MyConcern. Are there any bruises on him?

Please talk to the school OP. Also tell them that your son wanted to tell his teachers so they give him a safe space to talk.

Deleted as I forgot to refer the correct poster. Re-posted further down!

If I were in your shoes I would be wondering what has been going on when you aren’t there

How do you know this for sure? He could just be an abusive fucker. It’s so dangerous to make snap judgments after one post on the internet.

Cannot believe how many pp are making excuses for the poor stressed man. What about the small child who can't eat his chicken, not because he's being picky but it sounds like sensory issues? I don't have an autistic child but I've read enough to know this is a thing.
There is a massive size and strength difference between a 6 Yr old and a man in his 40s. What did he seriously think would happen if a little kid slapped him?
He doesn't really accept the diagnosis and thinks you can smack it out of him.
Poor kids i would be tempted to tell him to stay away for a while and have a think about how his actions have impacted 3 people, two of them little kids.

Op. Listen to your child. Ask your husband to leave. He’s not saying “strange stuff” he’s telling you what your husband is doing. I really hope he does tell his teachers so they can help protect your son.

His lack of remorse is pretty disgusting, OP. Just compounds the whole thing really. What would you like to be the outcome?

My DH has had to rethink his parenting style with our eldest child who is autistic, my DH used to say things like ‘why can’t he just do as he’s told’ or similar.
They would both shout at each other, neither backing down and it was awful to be honest. It was only when I said I would leave with the children that he actually took on board what I was saying, the paediatric consultant etc and really tried to modify his behaviour. He himself was brought up in a household where you did as you were told or your parents wanted to know why, typical 80’s upbringing.
Firstly your husbands behaviour is unacceptable, picking up a chair with a child on it to get him to leave the room is awful and you are right to be concerned and I would be in telling him in no uncertain terms that he needs to control himself or leave.
The family therapist we spoke to after our sons diagnosis said that my husband was grieving for the ‘normal’ child he thought he would have, he was out of his depth totally when dealing with any situation which had to be verbally unpicked and calmly discussed when our son had calmed down because he was still inwardly cross that our son hadn’t just listened to him in the first place.
I think the final moment that broke the cycle they were in was that our son sobbed to his Dad that he knew he didn’t love him. My DH was broken hearted because he loves all our children, he just found the others easier and had more in common with them. My husband then started making a real effort to calm down, find a common ground and ask me to step in if he was feeling out of his depth.
We are now 5 years further in and they have a great relationship, our son has matured and thrived at high school after having no friends at primary because secondary is more regimented and they both know when to give the other some space, for example my DH has learnt there is no point asking our son to do anything for at least an hour after school because he shuts himself away in his room so he gives him that time to decompress etc
I guess what I’m trying to say in a very long winded way is that your husband needs to admit when he has behaved badly and must want to change/take on board advice to prevent further escalation.
You are your child’s biggest advocate, no one is perfect but your husband is not a child and should not be retaliating/arguing with a small child.

As a ND woman I’m honestly really depressed at how prevalent it is. All my life I’ve seen boys and men have their bad behaviour excused with neurodiversity while I was labelled as plain old stroppy/weird/angry. I’m quite sure that if it had been the female parent who had tipped that chair the reaction would have been quite different.

why is it only relevant to ND children. Most kids play up at dinner time. It doesn’t have to end up in WW3 but you also don’t have to reward the not eating either. If you have an incentive for him to try something then use it. How do you differentiate between normal behaviour & ND behaviour because most 6yo would behave in this way given the chance. Picky eaters isn’t a new phenomenon. Being ND doesn’t mean there is to be no boundaries either.

I totally get you reacting strongly to this. I would to. Your husband is an adult and is responsible for his actions, and picking up a chair and throwing your son off it onto a hard floor is totally unacceptable. He could have seriously injured him. To then blame your parenting? Hard no. And there is no way your child bears any responsibility here. No matter how unreasonable children are, they don’t deserve to have their father losing control and acting like that. Parents are human, yes, but it doesn’t sound like your husband has any interest in learning coping strategies. But I think you have to take a clear look at what your options and your kids’ options are here. It’s easy for people to say LTB to protect your son, but then if your husband has any access to your son, you don’t have control of what happens when you aren’t there. That would worry me more at his age. Equally from what you have said, your husband is currently not willing to take any steps to address his behaviour. Is there any chance that if you let him calm down and then pick this up with him in a supportive way, he might have shocked himself enough to see this as a turning point? Or does he genuinely believe there was nothing wrong with what he did? If that’s so, honestly I would self refer your family to social services. It’s a last resort, but your priority needs to be to keep your son safe, and if your husband won’t or can’t see that physically endangering your six year old child is wrong, I don’t see you’ve got many choices. They will look positively on you having approached them proactively for help. If not, and if school or another party hears that there is this level of violence in your home, you may be judged to be complicit for not acting to protect your son. I’m really sorry, OP. You sound like you are on eggshells a lot of the time trying to smooth over tensions and that’s exhausting alongside working full time.