Need people's views on what just happened in my home

I agree, @Anyahyacinth , but she may actually still be missing the vital information that he was violent to their son. She clearly sees his contempt and childish point-scoring.

The practitioner was likely safeguarding spiderwoman from a potential violent reaction. This is good practice exploratory work by the professional involved. Sounds like DH showed his problems, couldn't help himself

she talked about DH managing his anger and not letting it shape his reactions

sounds like she got the measure of him! Can you have a telephone follow up with her in order to fill her in on what you are actually dealing with?

I agree with @BookArt55 …

dad attended, took no responsibility, didn't take in the advice, blamed you and your parenting and when he was called out he denied and accepted no responsibility. So you are no further forward with him, and quite simply you never will be. He won't listen to you, he won't listen to professionals.

You must understand that he will not change. His actions and behaviour are damaging your children every single day. Can you formulate a plan to separate and have them live in a calm, nurturing environment for at least 80% of the time?

@Spiderwoman123 you are in a toxic relationship and that means your children are being raised in a toxic environment, can you honestly see a long term future with your husband ?

I am glad that you found the meeting helpful, it is always good to re-g3ar the advice as we can often forget things or just need that refresher.

However... dad attended, took no responsibility, didn't take in the advice, blamed you and your parenting and when he was called out he denied and accepted no responsibility. So you are no further forward with him, and quite simply you never will be. He won't listen to you, he won't listen to professionals.

My son has adhd, when we lived with his dad he was violent, meltdowns that could last an hour, violence mainly directed at me. I was blamed for the behaviours, all my bad parenting of course. The moment me and the kids moved out, after a month I realised one day that he wasn't being violent at all. I was calmer, consistent, wasn't consistently undermined, and 2 years on my children and myself are in a much happier place. Those tiny, constant criticisms where everything is your job but your bad at everything- that is part of emotional abuse. You self esteem is at an all time low.

My God, your husband sounds insufferable. I've only read your updates so maybe loads of other people have said this but, the fact that your son is "perfect" for his dad but lashes out at you is not the win your husband seems to think it is. Given the backstory, it seems unlikely that your husband is just a brilliant parent with exceptional boundary-setting skills (there's plenty of evidence on this thread that he's not) whilst you have no rules and the kids don't respect you. I think what's far more likely, is that the kids are scared of him and are fawning. Treading on eggshells internally to keep the peace because they know that their wellbeing is linked to their ability to keep his temper even. Whilst with you, they feel safe and can depend on your unconditional love and care, so they lash out and pour their emotions onto you. The good, the bad and the ugly. This is a fairly classic, textbook situation. I think a decent family therapist would see through this in session one. Which is probably why your husband refuses to attend.

She sounds like a gem tbh. She saw straight though him for sure!

How did he respond for being called out on his point scoring?

That's so good it was positive, OP, and the practitioner wasnt fooled by DH's presentation. I hope it works and you are both able to pull together.

You cannot assume this person is aware of the violence, @Spiderwoman123 . Can you email to check? I don't think the school has recognised the seriousness of the violence and they may not have passed it on. He sounds as charming as ever. You will be so much happier when you leave him.

Honestly, please leave him. If he then chooses to make positive steps to rebuild relationships, trust, takes accountability then he can work on building the family again in the future. Right now, you need to teach and protect your children.

He might have ASD- but refuses to seek support or discuss.
He shouts and now the chair situation- doesn't accept responsibility and blames your son, a 6 year old.
All problems are you fault- your bad parenting. Even though he is also the parent.
You do all the courses and seeking support- no responsibility from him, no support for you, no teamwork.

Please, you see the warning signs, please teach you children not to accept this treatment. You all deserve better. He isn't making any steps to support you and your children as a family. Instead he acts as he wishes, expects everyone to behave the way he wants and blames, blames, blames.

Also, I would report this to the school, and the police. If/when you split you do not want him get 50/50 of your kids when he won't have you there to step in and help/do everything/take over. He needs a wakeup call.

Living and coping with an ND child is challenging and your husband, ND or not, has committed an act of abuse. You have a duty to protect your child. Your husband has to go. Personally i would report this. If he does this in your presence what will he do when you're not there

He dropped his child from a height onto a concrete floor yet you think that he is the victim here. Your post makes my skin crawl.

It is true that the thought of sending your children to stay with an abusive father is frightening.

However, children learn more from what we do than what we say.

If we stay, our children learn that violence is an acceptable response to a chicken nugget issue.

If we separate, eventually they will have at least one peaceful home where they may choose to spend more time as they grow older, and they learn that we don’t find it acceptable when daddies do that.

I think the starting point would be to take advice from Women’s Aid organisations and a solicitor who is experienced with domestic abuse, though, not assume that you know what the courts will do.

There’s a lot of ‘the courts will do this and the courts will do that’, but there are many steps before you get into a court room. And also I think leaving is a process. Abuse is not a problem you can fix yourself. Having some external support and getting information is a good thing.

I think your children are beginning to absorb and mirror their fathers lack of control anger and abuse. So if you are considering next steps on a safety basis you leaving DH, who is abusive, will allow the children to see a life which is calm and happy...without a partner demeaning another. Yes they may have time with him but they will have stability with you ...some safe time is better than none. Your not accepting the cruelty (of your DH) teaches your children something important.
You sound a wonderful Mum 💐

I think people on MN often miss the point that abusive fathers often still get custody and unsupervised access to their kids. Many women will choose to stay in an abusive relationship because they have more chance of keeping the kids safe.
I understand perfectly the OP's worries., I couldn't cope with the thought that I would have to hand my children over to a man I might not trust and courts will often insist on this.

after a nasty incident where he was v v angry with me & i had to cancel my birthday because he refused to come out of our bedroom so I pretended to be ill to our friends. I said I wanted it to be over shortly after that.. And he finally agree to go to therapy (after years of asking)

He is a nasty man. Not all the time of course because that is how it works cycle of abuse. He is confident you will stick around whatever. But you do not have to.

You do not know when next outburst will be.
Your ds picks cues from him e.g "daddy is the boss" etc.
Life will be better separated.
Short visits with dad willbe better than being around all the time.
Start planning.

@Spiderwoman123 The more you say and reveal about your relationship, the more toxic it sounds.

I understand the desire to protect your children especially DC1. However, H is abusing them in front of you. Staying isn't protecting them. While you can see what is going on and there are benifits to that he is also having unlimited access to them. Leaving will limit their exposure to him.

Make sure you have all the behaviour documented for the child arrangement order and when Cascaf gets involved.

I think that you are being very hard on yourself. You are working, doing all the courses, doing most of the parenting and household stuff. Then your walking on eggshells because H is difficult and critical. Then on top of that you've got DC1 and his dysregulstion. It's a lot. It's also easy for others including H to criticise. He isn't doing the work or carrying the load. You are.

I also want to touch on this. I've married an unkind & angry man, and we have produced an unkind and angry son.

Your son is nerodivese and has his challenges but he is a child. He has time to grow, learn and find ways to self regulate. He's also witnessing his dad's behaviour and learning what is an isn't acceptable. I think it's hard to separate what is learnt behaviour, what is his personality and what is the autism ( I have the same issue trying to figure this with my girls). The thing is you H hadn't got any excuses. He's an adult. He knows how to behave. He's abusing you and his kids because he can. He isn't behaving like this at work of with other people. He also has the capacity to make changes and engage with therapy. It seems to me that he only wants to change when not changing will impact him. Those changes won't be sustained because they are made under duress. He's promising change because he doesnt want his life not to change not because he's devastated by his behaviour and how it impacts the people he purports to loves.

I'm sorry @Spiderwoman123 no want wants to see an marriage end but in this case I think it's best for your wellbeing and the wellbeing if your children.

What do you mean? Surely leaving is helping your kids safety?

But the risk is there even if you stay - more so because your relationship with your DS suffers because you can’t be the parent you want either and it is risking that side

staying or going are both risks at least by going you can create one happy environment for him

Call womens aid or social services, take 1 on 1 with a staff member at the school you trust. Tell them what you are dealing with in terms of dh. Tell them your fears for separating and go from there. Leaving him will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your dc. He will most likely play disney dad and be nice to Ds.during visitation and if it starts getting difficult he will stop collecting them. If this doesn't happen when your DC get to the correct age they can make the decision not to go. Take as much professional advice as you can get about protecting tour DS when separated.

My DS was similar with me and he is neurodivergent and when alone with his Dad he was like a different boy the majority of the time. Then he would come home to me and break down because I was and still am his safe space. My DH worked long hours and I was a SAHM for the early years. When I went back to work and my Husbands work pattern changed dh also became a safe space as he was around more for my ds to allow in.

No parent is perfect and we all do things in ways not everyone agrees with but if you do your best and try to learn new things to.support your DC that is all you.can do. I would rather be to soft than shout and scream at my DC. I would rather get something wrong but not hurt my DC.

The senco is right about picking your battles, let the small stuff go if we corrected everything our DC did "wrong" everyone's lives would be miserable. With SEN children sometimes you have to pick the path of least resistance. I was adamantly against letting my DC sleep in my bed. My DS was and still is an awful sleeper, he just wanted me. The child psychotherapist one day told me.just to let him into my bed if it means both of us get some rest. So I did and it worked, my DS is now 14 and sleeps I his own bed.

I do think you have taken the first step though in telling people from a safe guarding perspective. You cannot sugarcoat this. As others have said, the reason DS may behave better with H is simply through fear. Your OP shows that he has terrorised the child.
In terms of how you protect DS, I had to go to court. It cost me a year’s salary and a lot of stress but contact both my DC and my ex could manage and grow into (and they did do that) was worth it. I think you need to take advice from women’s aid or similar groups who have much experience dealing with these types of situations. At least think about it.