Need people's views on what just happened in my home

We get "the chicken looks different" here too and it is very frustrating. Your husband shouldn't have done that and I bet he seriously regrets it on the inside. I would expect him to apologise to DS and try very hard to do better next time. Why is he so resistant to suggestions he has ASD when his son does?

Sorry, I usually RTFT but I have not and I'm exhausted from parenting two ND kids so I need to go bed.

Just wanted to agree with this 👆

If you don't know, you don't know. Parenting ND kids is like taking an A level exam for a subject you've never studied, every day, and if you fail, society will hold you personally responsible for its downfall.

Get support, talk to your husband when he's regulated. Look up PDA strategies for dinner. Also, Philippa Perry has a book on why stuff from how we were parented flares up in our lives as a parent.

This sounds really bad OP.

It also sounds like he's still minimising. The question I'd want to ask him, now or tomorrow once he's fully calmed down is - are you ashamed enough to do something about this? Are you willing to work on your parenting and your emotional regulation? Will you do whatever is necessary to stop terrifying your very small children? Tell him you can't continue to be in a family where this keeps happening. If he understands he's going to lose you all if nothing changes, he might take some action.

You can straight away set a non-negotiable boundary that if he feels himself becoming angry and unregulated, he's the one who needs to leave the room. Make him promise you he will always do that, maybe now while he still feels guilty. And enforce it every time, tell him to get out immediately if you see him getting angry again. Anger is understandable, his behaviour around his very little kids is absolutely not ok.

The way he's not engaging with any support and blaming your parenting for the whole situation sounds like absolute bullshit and makes it seem not very hopeful that he'll be capable of stepping up and solving this. The thing to drum into him when he tries to justify himself by explaining how annoying everything was, is to agree, yes it's annoying when he won't eat, but your reaction to him is absolutely horrible, it's behaviour you're choosing, and it's the biggest problem we have.

My DH struggled with anger when our kids were little, I think small kids misbehaving brought up all sorts of unresolved shit from his own childhood. He was never any kind of violent but the shouting was scary. We talked and argued about it a lot and he got better gradually, and now he always leaves the room when he feels anger building. But I will always carry guilt from not putting a stop to it sooner and more effectively. You can't redo the years when they're little, and their core beliefs about safety and love are being built now based on what happens to them at home.

I've reported this post

@Spiderwoman123 please just take your son into school tomorrow and say you need to speak to the safeguarding lead or deputy. Say that it's urgent and you'll wait to see someone. Tell them everything including the lying and excuses your H gave afterwards. Your H is highly abusive and a risk to your son and to you. He knows he has massively overstepped and his response is to try and gaslight you. He knows exactly what he did. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to come along for the school run tomorrow. If he does, tell him you have a meeting with the SENCO or have to go to the office to look for some lost property. You must act. If you don't you are allowing your child to be at risk. He needs you to protect him. I'm sorry this is so difficult. If he's in any way aggressive or hostile tonight please call 999. His abuse is escalating rapidly.

I find that reminding myself that when my child is giving me a hard time, it is because they are having a hard time. That helps me to reframe it in my head, and remember that it’s a sign that they need more support from me - not less. Would this way of thinking help your husband at all do you think? It is worrying that he won’t engage with parenting classes

They will tell SS imo. I may get a lot of hate for this But can I suggest you take a step back & re evaluate the advice you’ve been given on here. We don’t know anything about your situation. We know nothing about your relationship, family dynamics, how autistic your son is (being a picky eater is common for his age, it cant automatically be blamed for his eating habits) we’re reacting to one incident which looks like it’s been a running issue for sometime. You’re listening to people telling you to go to the most extreme course of action when they know nothing. He may have just cracked & he may well have not realised your son wouldn’t just slide off the chair onto his feet. Has your son spoke of things prior to this, Is he distressed being left with his dad etc. all these things are important.

there are other options if you feel your h isn’t being abusive and is just struggling. You can give him an ultimatum and say you need to go to couples therapy. I’ll be honest I do think he is frustrated with you as much as he is DS. (I wouldn’t be happy cooking a meal for my kids to have my husband rewarding their not eating it.) you’re rightly angry at his reactions (I’ll reiterate that I find his actions unacceptable) but we’re all human.

all said and done you do need to do what’s best for your son. If he is in real danger then you must do what you have to do. Only you know what that is. Not some random anonymous person like me or others on this thread. Your decisions on this will either make or break your family

I never said he would not punch her back, this is what I would have done, I would not care if he would beat me back, I would have had to have a go at him in this scenario, but as I said, this is probably illegal.

There are also people who get off on the thought of a man being violent.

And people who also have similarly abusive awful partners/husbands and cant bear the thought of a woman not putting up with what they do.

Please go into school tomorrow morning and ask to speak to H/T, who in a Primary School is most likely to be the Safeguarding Lead. Tell her/him what happened this evening, including everything that Ds said to about his Dad later.
I promise you that they will have heard something similar before and will be sympathetic to your plight. They will know the best way for you to access supportive help for your family.
If your H engages with the support, that's great, if not, that will tell you what to do next.

We are also a ND household and I strongly suggest giving up on "family mealtimes" at least for a while. Take the tension right down. Feed your son separately or feed the kids earlier as a pp suggested. If your DH is going to be so stressy about food then you could end up with a child with an ED on top of everything else.

We quite often let our autistic DD take her plate to another room.

I feel like you just wrote down my life from four years ago. Same age son, same neurodivergence, same husband behaviours. Wasn’t acceptable to me. Things came to a head after a series of such incidents. I now have full custody, now-ex-husband saw the consequences and turned his life around as a result. Don’t put up with what isn’t ok. Your son needs you to be his advocate.

He needs to do a course like you did or bugger off.

God no, i meant not leaving, calling the police, family, shouting at DH, sticking up for DS etc.

No way would i think slapping the DH is a good idea, hes shown himself to be violent towards someone who is far weaker already. Men like that are the sort to think nothing of punching (or worse)a grown woman if they can be deliberately violent towards a 6 year old small child 😔

It’s time to stop pussyfooting around your husband.

You think he has some form of autism, you tell him it’s time to get tested, now.

You can see he doesn’t cope with your son’s difficulties properly, you call it out and tell him things need to change and he needs to educate himself on why your son acts the way he does and how it should be handled.

Get him back to work full time and you go part time. If he can’t parent your child properly why is he the one working less?

Make it very clear to him that things will be changing and that in no uncertain terms is he to be violent towards any of you ever again or else you will be reporting him to the police and social services.

I was going to ask does your DH have him when you are out

And do / would you trust him following your husband's behaviour to be alone with your child ?

Very helpful. Maybe she dreamed it

hes a dick poor me hes such a victim

not interested in his sons problems

You need to get the wheels in motion. Your husband is escalating. Your son is not safe with him

He very likely won’t want them for days on end , too much like hard work

Well, we only have your side of the story, and no one here knows any of you. There are people on here who get off on telling women that they are married to complete bastards, and they should leave.

This sounds like a very upsetting incident, but turn into Mumsnet for help is just going to wind everyone up.
Please try and find someone better for advice.

You said - can't imagine not doing anything - I said that mum probably wanted to do something to him, but decided against it (violence) in the presence of her two sons. I thought you meant 'not hitting dh' when you said 'not doing smth', sorry

If he really is sorry he’d be telling you how he was going to ensure this NEVER happened again.

He’s acting hasn’t got a clue how serious his behaviour was.

Your H is just a shit parent isn't he? Even leaving aside autism, expecting a 6 year old to be grateful for food being cooked? He has no clue. He is just crap at it, and now verging on abusive. What are you going to do about it? You can't let this stand.