Need people's views on what just happened in my home

Your kids are frightened of their own dad - he should be so ashamed of himself & unless he understands & accepts the gravity of that, it will continue.

I feel so sad for you & kids, it must be awful. Id feel worried about leaving him alone with them as it sounds like your husband has been physical with them before now (which maybe why they tow the line more with him - in fear!).

Easier said than done but I'd be making plans to leave if he doesn't get help.

Living in fear isn't what any child needs.

Oh OP, I completely sympathise with you. I’m a single mom to two neurodivergent 6yr old twins (but different ends of the spectrum so conflicting needs) I have also recently been diagnosed neurodivergent too after struggling and the professionals involved with my kids diagnosis’s picking up on my behaviours too. My one DS hits me during meltdowns. It stopped for a long time but picked up again a few months ago and now it’s his go-to when he’s upset with something. I struggle to cope because the high-stress situation of it all triggers me so much and I lose my temper, but I walk away from the situation and call a family member for help. It seems to me your husband is likely neurodivergent too and your son’s needs and his conflict. It’s nobody’s fault, unfortunately they just trigger each other, but your husband is the adult and needs to be the one to recognise this and change his ways to accommodate your son better. That means leaving the room instead of trying to get your son to leave the room. It also means regular breaks when he feels he’s at breaking point and learning to let go of the ‘typical’ parenting and this idea that your son will eat foods most families would enjoy. You really do have to learn to pick your battles and find strategies that work for you all, this isn’t an easy feat ok your own so I would suggest seeking some help via the school and possibly a referral to family front door and they can enroll you both onto parenting classes for parents of ND children. It sounds like a bit of a slog, but it’s worth it.
Your son doesn’t mean any harm by it all, he isn’t being malicious or deliberately naughty and he doesn’t deserve or need his dad scaring him like that. But, your husband is also struggling and his feelings are also valid because it’s also the way his brain is wired, he can’t just turn that off. Forgive him but have a word with him and let him know you will not accept him being physical or violent to your son, if he ever gets to that point, HE leaves the room before it escalates. Before both of them burn out and it becomes a big firey mess.

I am certainly not saying 'look what you made your husband do'. That is very much manipulating the narrative.
I am not saying which parent is right or wrong here; that has been your assumption and very quickly on the defensive.
Children need to see both parents as equal and that they stand united in their decision making within the family unit.
Conflict between you and your husbands parenting style will most definitely be noticeable to your children even at this young age and it is very damaging/confusing for them. It is apparent from your responses so far within your posts that you and your husband are on totally separate pages parenting wise which is not healthy all round.

If your child tells other people your husband is being abusive BEFORE you have thrown him out and already put things in place and told the school etc yourself then yes you WIlL have SS on your back because they will see it as rightly that you aren’t protecting your children from an abusive man and prioritising him!

Ultimately, when you take a step back, isn’t this crazy that your H hurt your child over some bloody chicken nuggets?? Regardless of whether he has issues or not. I’m sorry, maybe I’m a soft parent too, but this is just insane and if my DH did this, we’d be gone.

OP, you are obviously intelligent. You know this is not ok. I know the idea of blowing everything up is scary but I would really urge you to trust your gut on this.

Can people stop blaming snappy and abusive behaviour on ND or autism?? This child's dad has gone out his way to deliberately tip him off his chair intending harm because the man child didn't get his way. I hope your son is ok OP. His dad's behaviour isn't ok.

You are absolutely right @Spiderwoman123 , it's a terrible post and you are right to refute it. You know what you need to do. Please do it. Your son comes first. In your heart you know what to do. It's a big step but you definitely know.

But im doing 99% of the work here in terms of courses and techniques. This is a big part of the issue; your H sounds like he doesn't understand (or perhaps doesn't believe?) that your older son does have special needs and may require different and non-intuitive ways of dealing with certain things. Why can't your H at least accompany you in learning about your son's condition and needs, even if he's still leaving most of the work to you? That's the only way his criticisms of you - if there is any truth in them - can be informed and the two of you can come to a compromise. If he refuses to get help to parent DS1 AND he refuses to get help for his own issues - even just help with anger management, which it sounds like he's need anyway as NO adult should be getting physical with a six year old - then he's actually actively CAUSING the problem here.

Is there NO way he can change? Even if the two of you separate or divorce, this is always going to be his son and the sooner he acknowledges that there are unexpected challenges, the better for everyone.

If he’s really feeling ashamed and is a decent person then this will be a wake up call and best for your DSs.

If he blames you for telling the truth he is an abusers, they rely on victims being to scared to speak up and punish them when they do. You and your DSs will 100% be better off with him out of your life.

I think the biggest issue here is you and your husband do not stand united as parents and have completely different views on how to manage your son's behaviour.
If you cannot agree that between yourselves you are undermining each other in front of the children and that is very damaging in itself.
You are making the situation far worse and are subconsciously a catalyst in all of this. No wonder your son is confused!
Either learn how to parent together or you need to separate. Your situation will become a million times worse though if the rules are very different from mummy's house to daddy's if you separate and try to co-parent.

In the kindest possibly way - how could it possibly be worse? He's six and his dad is deliberately hurting him. I can't tell you how chilling your opening post is - it's horrible to read what happened

Your DH bullied his 6 year old ND son and physically hurt him because the child went to hit him in a meltdown?

YOUR parenting isnt the problem.

But this behaviour from DH is child abuse

That's abuse and I wouldn't under any circumstances keep my child in that environment.

I think you have to tell the school and get ahead of this. I think there is every chance he is going to say something to them himself and what he is saying is bad OP bad.

It doesn't sound like you're going to get anywhere trying to resolve things tonight. He's still angry as well as guilty and not thinking straight.

I would have a very serious talk with him tomorrow, first tell him you need him to hear you out and not interrupt or argue, and tell him straight exactly how you feel about his behaviour and what you want him to do. His reaction and his next moves will help you decide what to do next. Good luck OP.

Ultimately your DC physical and mental safety is of the utmost importance. This is a fact.

You need to decide if you agree, it really is that simple tbh.

This. Please, OP, tell the school safeguarding lead tomorrow. Protect your son above all else, he can't do that himself.

Jesus Christ just leave him.

Your poor son is going to be so damaged growing up with this man as a father, more so than he is already. He is also not safe in your husband's care if your husband's response to a fucking 6 year old not liking food he cooked is to fling him out of his chair like it's some sort of wrestling match.

If my DH did that to my DC I would have fucking throttled him, and had him arrested too.

I agree your husband is probably ASD too and that is where your son gets it from, but undiagnosed parents with ASD are often not safe to look after children. Take it from me who had an ASD father who despite loving put us in so many dangerous situations where I would end up being injured and would also hit/lash out/throw stuff at us when he was having meltdowns. My DM used to say it was like parenting 3 kids. She didn't leave him though and both me and my DB have had therapy due to the trauma we have suffered from having a volatile and immature undiagnosed ASD father. He also has never accepted that there is anything wrong with him even though most of his side of the family have been diagnosed with it and he is textbook ASD too.

This post honestly gave me horrible flashbacks to my own childhood where according to my dad everything was always someone else's fault and when he was in the wrong it was like trying to reason with a teenager and not a 50 year old man.

Don't make the mistake my DM did and stay with this man all through your DS's childhood then eventually leaving him when they are 28 years old (me) like my DM did. It would have been so much better for everyone if she had left him the very first time he smacked me and my DB for "making a mess" even though we were just children (he couldn't handle any sort of mess at all and that would lead to many meltdowns).

Why?

How is this at all relevant?

This was shocking, but it was an incident not an accident

Actually possibly the productive answer. She’s right, people assuming his a bastard & not knowing any other details other than this one badly handled issue which has been a long running complaint of his. Telling her to go to the most extreme cause of action isn’t good advice.