Need people's views on what just happened in my home

So it's sensible to batch cook acceptable food, so everyone else can have what they prefer.

I've tried to read through responses but wanted to quickly respond to agree with this post. I have a son with ASD who is now 15. Your husband has not accepted your son's diagnosis if he has not accepted the food aversions. I sympathise that it can be incredibly frustrating. Particularly when they eat something for a while and then drop it, or refuse to eat something that they always eat but on that occasion looks or feels different to normal. But this is part of the condition and it is not within their control. I still get frustrated at times now - but your husband needs to accept it and stop making food a point of argument and stress. It's not going to change.

Because the child is 6. And the father is an adult. 😵‍💫

Would you have done that to your son? Or any human or animal?

For the same reason the age of criminal responsibility doesnt discriminate between neurotypical and neurodivergent people

If it excuses the kid's behaviour, why doesn't it excuse the father's?

Get some professional help and support. If this is an isolated incident, let things cool down, give H a chance for apologies and a reset, within acceptable boundaries (this must not happen again). A permanent bust up over a one-off might have v negative results for DS in later life. For what it's worth, arguments over food are just not worth having - just my opinion.

I'm glad you've made this decision OP. You're not throwing a grenade into your life, your DH did that last night. Maybe this will be a turning point for your DH and he will be forced to seek help, maybe not, but you can't go on as you are. Bon courage!

I actually left my husband for something similar. Although it had been brewing for a long time and was the straw which broke the camel’s back.

Op yes I think you need to do more to help your dc

Look OP, your son has told you very clearly that he is scared and hurt and needs help.

It should not be on your son to have to go to the school and tell a teacher that he is being physically and verbally and emotionally abused by his parent. He has told YOU, and you have seen it for yourself.

You need to protect your children, and right now that means protecting them from their dad. You have options. Police. Social Services. School. Or simply tell him to leave and that he can't come back until he has changed (he won't change, though.)

What you CANNOT do is go on with this back and forth, letting your son deal with this by himself, undefended. He is a small child. He cannot defend himself, he needs an adult to step in. If that isn't going to be you, his mum, then he may never recover from this.

Step up. Protect your children. Do the right thing. You are not alone and while it will be hard, it will be harder still to watch your child die inside as your husband continues to terrorise him and bully you into going along with it.

I was asking a question as I was genuinely confused by your post and wanted to clarify what you meant. You seem to be implying that parents of ND children shouldn’t necessarily follow the advice they are given, which you couldn’t possibly know. You might think you know it for your nephew but you don’t know it for other children. Anecdotal evidence is just that.

Of the 3 options that you have listed, option 2 might work best for your DS. He would have one "safe space" with you and one "very tough rules place" with his father. DS actually might find that easier to manage; like having different rules at school and home.

Often men with your DH's personality will take advice from external "experts" that they wont take from their wives. But I note that your DH wont take expert advice either. He just has to be "right" all the time. Well, he might do better when you aren't there at all. But even if he doesn't, it may still work out better for DS to have two different places with different rules. And if that fails too, if being with DH really is dangerous for DS, then you may need to try to block his access. But that is a decision for further down the line. For the time being I would think seriously about leaving with DS as the best step for DS.

I don’t know why your DH can’t accept your DS’s SEN related food aversions. My DS is 5 and has SEN. He will literally eat: pizza, chips, tomato soup with bread and butter, poached/dippy eggs and toast, nakd bars, bear yo-yos, certain crisps, certain biscuits, innocent smoothies and whole milk. That is it.

Tried so many different foods over the years, left them and come back to them, he gets involved in the cooking process even (has a Montessori cooking set so can chop veg etc) but he doesn’t care, zilch interest. Sometimes he’ll eat foods then drop them, examples being curry weirdly which he used to love and baked beans. He has a daily multi-vitamin and seems healthy and energetic enough.

I’m saying this because your DH needs to chill the fuck out. Some kids with SEN, or even without tbh, will only eat one food item. We’ve all heard the stories of kids who only eat ready salted crisps or chicken nuggets. Your DS will likely be fine but DH needs to regulate himself and stop being an abusive twat.

DS just called me up to his bed and said some strange stuff. He talked about daddy pushing him and he said he was gonna tell teachers. Then he followed that up by saying "mummy and daddy are most important people in your life". It wss quite odd. When he was crying he was saying "why do I have a scary daddy".

OP listen to your child, he is TELLING you what your husband is doing when your not around, thats why he is so scared of DS telling the school and thinking SS will get involved because he KNOWS he is doing stuff that will get him in Deep shit, advocate for your DS and YOU raise it with anyone that will listen, he doesnt have a voice YOU do.

Again I haven’t defended this man’s actions either, I just think jumping to the conclusion she should press the self destruct button on her whole life.

I think this is the right thing to do and if school don't help, then refer yourself to social services.

When my kids were young, my husband lost his temper and reacted in a way he shouldn't. I made him go to the GP who then referred us to Children's Services. We were under a social worker for a bit, but it did not destroy our lives! My husband was asked to attend a parenting course, which he did and worked at behaving differently. If your husband won't engage, then that's his problem, not yours, and if the worst came to the worst and you split up, at least you would have evidence that the children should not be with him.

Hi op. As a mother of an ASD teen I can tell you that the easiest time in my life with regards to my child were between the ages of 4 and 8. Things behaviour wise became very tough after this. So if your husband is reacting like this now then you are going to be having much bigger problems in the future.

Lots of people snaps at some point. They may even over react, tip him off the chair not realising that he was in a ball and not land on his feet. If that happened, then he'd immediately apologize to your son and truly be very sorry for hurting him. He would comfort his son and tell him how much he loves him.
Your husband is clearly not sorry at all.
"Look at what you made me do". Absolutely unacceptable - he chose to act this way.
Your son is telling you he does other things, please listen and protect him.
Just the fact that you know he prefers one child over another is so wrong. If you know, your son will know. Think how much damage that will cause.
If it was me, I'd tell the school everything. And I'd be telling him to get the fuck out of the house right now.

I suspect the people cautioning op not to involve SS and school have missed her post about how her 6yo is planning to tell his teachers about everything that is going on and his angry daddy- unless you think she should be trying to prevent him doing that (as it sounds like his father has done).

So now the abusive twat is blaming you? He gets to overreact because he clearly is also ND in some way too but your poor son can’t be? In his own home? Nope. I wouldn’t be tolerating this shit and abuse of my child for a second. Your husband needs to grow the fuck up, get in therapy and work on his own triggers and issues. He wouldn’t be welcome at meal times in my home until he proved he can be trusted. If my husband abused my son because he didn’t want to eat chicken (which often can taste very different and is a known sensory issue for a lot of ND people) and yet thinks we should be ok with him physically harming my child due to his own triggers I’d be red with rage. Also look up food psychology, eating pudding alongside dinner is fine.

Yes 🙌. Some solid advice & I hope the OP reads it because listening to everyone else will see her blow up her whole family

Just because he works part time doesn’t mean he sees them more. I would suspect that is not necessarily the case!

they can both handle a situation badly yes - but what he did was so over a line

I agree. I wouldn’t rush into anything, unless you feel unsafe around your DH.

This seems like a crisis point, and something needs to change. But my advice would be don’t rush into action. Take time to consider and talk to your loved ones: good friends with kids, family members etc. They know you and your family best. Consider advice you get online, but don’t be led by it: ask people IRL.

Both you and your DH sound quite emotionally unregulated around your DC. The kids will take their cue from how you both behave. If both/either of you make something a big deal, the kids will perceive it as a big deal and react accordingly.

I have no experience of parenting ND kids, but these sort of incidents happen from time-to-time in most families with kids. IME, the way to deal with this sort of thing with a neurotypical child:

• Provide a range of healthy, enticing food: colourful, fresh, small portions (with more if they want it) cooked with the DC helping where possible, so they learn about food and feel invested in it. Avoid sugary and processed foods (like nuggets).

• Don’t make food an issue. Provide the meals and snacks as above but don’t nag them to eat it or even appear interested. Eat together and chat about things while eating, rather than making eating the focus. Gently encourage the odd mouthful if they appear distracted. But do it with humour and lightness. And don’t make it a big deal. Don’t pander to what they want: enticing, healthy meals, but no alternative. No sugary puddings: fruit or yogurt.

• If you DS plays up, get’s irritable/grisly (as all kids do at times), remain calm and firm. It may help your DH to channel behaving as a teacher or other professional would: calm, kind, lighthearted, but setting firm boundaries. It makes kids feel safe to know there are boundaries.

• If his behaviour starts to wind your DH up, he must remove himself from the room. Take a few breaths of fresh air and calm down.

• If one parent thinks the other parent is behaving in a way they don’t agree with (being stern about food, pandering to their demands) say nothing in front of the kids. It confuses them and allows them to play off one parent against the other. Note it down and speak calmly about it later when the kids aren’t there and can’t hear. Easier said than done, I know.

Your DH must realise he can’t keep battling your DS. If he won’t work on his parenting, it’s a tough one. If you split, he’ll have the DC alone. So it wouldn’t necessarily resolve their interactions. You just wouldn’t be there to witness it.

Believe what you saw with your own eyes, not what DH or child is telling you. It sounds like DH behaved very badly, whatever his intention his actions were shit.