Need people's views on what just happened in my home

Yes quite a family advice charity telling you to focus on the relationship when he was like that with your child sounds very off

but definitely push for parenting help but really your children are your priority here

So a child that "hits" people is deemed violent and in need of help.
But the adult male who threw his six year old son to a hard floor is what? Stressed? Frustrated? Reacting to provocation?
He is violent, abusive and controlling.
I suggest people who claim that OP is overreacting look at the Power and Control Wheel model of domestic abuse.

OP, I was a social worker for 22 years.
If you are in England or Wales, the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 deems that both your children are victims of domestic abuse: your son because he was assaulted; and your other child because he was present at the time.

I would take your son to the GP to be checked, and explain what your husband did to him.
I would also ask for support to phone the police from the surgery.
I would then inform the safeguarding lead at your son's school.
This way, you have demonstrated that you have acted to protect both children.
The police will remove your husband.
Children's Services will contact you to provide support.

Or

Sit it out, put off making any decisions and when your husband assaults your child again, and if/when your children disclose this and and any other assaults, you will be asked what steps you took to protect both children.
The police will remove your husband.
Children's Services will contact you and are likely to initiate a s.47 enquiry under the Children Act 1989, as your children will be considered to be suffering/likely to suffer significant harm.
Possible outcomes - enhanced family support, child protection conference, care proceedings.

That's not scaremongering. Please keep posting.

That advice is very questionable. I wonder what version of events you gave them

Your DH is being abusive and only barely managed to control his anger enough to not full force hit your child. He resorted to knocking him off his chair onto the ground instead. What a prince.

There is no excuse for this anger. Full stop. My teenage son ASD had never managed to eat potato’s. Are they my favourite thing in the world that I cook regularly? Yes. Have I tried him on every variation? Also yes. He cannot. He won’t have gravy on his roast either. Is it worth me getting angry at him over?? Fuck no. Why would I? He is now very, very good at eating his vegetables.

My younger son, also ASD, could not eat chicken for a very long time. I once tried to insist he ate a bit and after biting into it he cried and vomited on his own dinner. Ten years down the line he happily eats chicken. Do you think he would be comfortable now if I continued to force things into his mouth he had such a strong aversion to?? He is also good at eating his vegetables, except for broccoli. Do I like broccoli? Yes. Will I eat it in front of him, will I cook it? Fuck yes. And I will make sure every time that no breath of broccoli touches any of my son’s food. Because it’s fine if he doesn’t like things or struggles with their texture.

Where is your husbands anger coming from? So much aggression towards a child that just doesn’t like a certain food? His own little boy? Nah. Get him gone or at least into therapy before this escalates further. There is no justification for him being aggressive to a child.

I'm sorry but your H was physically abusive towards your son. What you describes sounds very violent. H has anger issues. It's especially shocking as your DS's issues are known to him. Your H won't change and YOU cannot change him. You already know the only way to stop this is to stop being under the same roof as him.

I held him to no higher standard. In fact I held him to the same standard as every other 6yo in the country. He didn’t want the nuggets but wanted the dessert. Dad didn’t want to give him dessert, mom did. If im holding anyone up to any standards it’s mom & dad.

this boy isn’t in the region of non verbal or lacks understanding of right or wrong as he clearly knows the difference. Hence there should be some boundaries

It doesn’t sound as though he is. The OP sounds deeply unhappy in her marriage. I also don’t think that undiagnosed autism is an excuse for physical violence. I think she should leave him, and I really hope her son tells as responsible adult at school what has happened.

Just to point out again that you need to find out if your husband has been abusing your son when you are not around. In the eyes of the law you are also responsible if you fail to report and intervene in this abuse.

Your husband is currently acting like the third child. When I was pregnant my DH sold all his gaming equipment because he didn’t want his kid to see him sat around gaming, ignoring them all the time. No one asked him to do that he just did it because he wanted to be a responsible adult parent. I’m not sure why half these other posters think it’s your responsibility to turn him into a decent parent. Your only responsibility here is too your kid. I really hope you can find the strength to do what is right. (Your son may well be a lot better regulated and easier to handle without an antagonistic adult bullying him all the time anyway)

You really cannot diagnose OP's son as not severely autistic. What makes you qualified to do that without even meeting him?

He ate all his vegetables but, to him, the chicken nuggets didn't taste or feel right. What on earth is wrong with leaving some food on your plate. Adults do it all the time if they are full or aren't particularly enjoying it. Why is a neurodivergent child with an eating disorder held to a higher standard?

This seems like the most sensible repose here (caveat if husband is generally a reasonable and kind person)

What would you do?

My DF was like this unfortunately. It can definitely be a feature of undiagnosed ASD. Everything was always someone else's fault as they simply cannot bear that they might be in the wrong at all, to the point where they twist reality to suit their own version of events where they are the innocent party. It was very exhausting growing up with a parent like this. Numerous examples include being blamed as a 6 year old for having my fingers trampled by my dad when he stepped on them (he did a lot of things like this as he struggles with proprioception) simply because they were "in the way" rather than he should have just been looking where he was going. I've lost count of the amount of times I would get my fingers trapped in car doors or the front door etc when I was little as my dad didn't look properly when shutting doors etc. Again it would all be my fault and I would get shouted at.

One of the worst times (I don't remember this but have been told the story by my grandmother) was when I was a baby and my dad was looking after me while my mum was in work. He made me soup but forgot to check if it was cooled before giving me a spoonful. Unsurprisingly it burnt my mouth badly and I must have been screaming the house down. My dad then phoned my mum in work and said "NimbleDreamer has burnt her mouth on some soup and it's all YOUR fault!". How he came to that conclusion I have no idea. My mum then told him to take me to my grandmother's house so she could look after me instead.

People like this rarely change especially if they won't accept that there is anything wrong with them and that they are always in the right.

What that his little wife and child don’t bend to his will and appreciate the cooking he does for them

he has no reason to act like that or prevent his son having noise cancelling headphones at all

and let’s face it if a 6 year old knows right from wrong so does a fully grown adult - and what he did was wrong and crossed a line.

I pulled someone off a chair one in reception she was sitting on my chair that was tagged with my name and I properly and rightly got told off because it was an awful thing to do and the teacher rightly did not want to listen to any reasons I had (it was my chair) because there was no excuse or reasoning to justify me pulling her off that chair

Your post made me cry. I have an autistic son. If my husband did this to my little boy I would divorce him. Please don’t make your son live with this any longer. Aside from the violence and the shouting, it is cruel to force an autistic child with food aversion to eat. You are a good mum. Please tell the school.

If you lack empathy then you should be quiet then rather than giving unhelpful advice to a mum who is struggling.

I don’t think we’re talking about a severely autistic child. In truth that dinner time issue is a scene in many households worldwide ND or not. Give a 6 yo the option of eating a cake or their chicken & veg I don’t think it would raise to many eyebrows on what would be chosen & this is precisely the option this lad has been given. ND or not, this kid knows right from wrong. He knows his dad behaviour wasn’t right. He knew as he half intentionally lashed out that was wrong. He has an understanding, he knows telling the school will scare mom & there is consequences. again im not defending the dad. He is WRONG. However, the mom is undermining his authority. He cooked dinner & hence should be in charge of the dinner routine. The dad has a legitimate reason to be frustrated.

Your poor DS, and poor you. I have been where you are @Spiderwoman123 , almost exactly...except the incident that I remember was my XH hitting my then 3 year old son really hard "in retaliation" for DS having thrown a teddy which landed in his face (it wasn't thrown into his face, it's just three year olds don't have great aim, do they?). I walked into the room with DS in shock saying "daddy hit me" and XH trying to justify it. I was so angry with him (I rarely do anger) that I locked him out and he spent the night in his car. It took me two years after that to find the strength to leave - he said he was getting anger management help from the GP which I believed, but I found out later he lied to them about what had happened - and DS and I are now on our own and much, much happier. XH is still unpleasant, but we're not in a house with him 24/7 and that makes all the difference, for DS and for me. Get you and the kids out of there love, you all deserve better.

Stop being so bloody melodramatic.

We do know that OP's son has autism. It is literally the first line of her original post:

'6 year old ASD son.'

You also said:

'I would probably serve up interesting food for eveyone else and serve the same safe foods to ND child forever. Easier (and can be batch cooked and frozen). One can't go round producing different meals for different people - and other DC get the message that they are not the favoured child and that they can make similar demands. ND DC have to learn to live in the world that is, not the one they want (just like the rest of us).'

That sounds as though you would use the safe foods to 'punish' the neurodivergent child while your other children get the 'interesting food'. In reality, that would suit the child with an eating disorder.

I think you will all be much much happier divorced, and obiv dh won't be wanting 50/50 he will prob be very happy with eow at most with your 6 year old. He may suggest 50/50 with the youngest - which could be a good thing as you would be able to fully concentrate on the 6 year old during these times.

I think the worst part of all of it is him blaming you and your son for what he did. (And trying to pretend the floor isn't that hard. It's an uncarpeted floor, of course it's hard! He's delusional!) That refusal to be accountable suggests that there's no hope for him becoming a better father or turning this around.

If he takes full responsibility for his actions, educates himself and gets help, you could keep your family together and the boys could have a happy childhood. If he won't do these things, you'll have to separate and get them away from him. I would tell him those are his two options, and tell him to choose.

We used to have 'lunatic asylums' filled with mentally ill people living in squalor and being mistreated. Thankfully, things have moved on in this country since the Victorian era.

Neurodivergent children and adults will exist in war-torn countries but the fight for survival (finding food and not being killed) will always take precedence.

Your arguments are facile and tone-deaf. OP witnessed first hand what her husband did to their son so I'm not sure where the embroidering of what happened has come from.

I didn't recommend a 'good smack' I responded to someone else who did, with whom I tend to agree (in some circumstances). And we don't know if OP's DC is autistic, only that they are ND - i.e. don't follow normal patterns of behaviour. I don't either (I lack empathy) as you may have noticed by now.
I was not suggesting batch cooking and serving the same safe food as a punishment, but to alleviate the problem the OP stated - the chicken is different - and the necessity to cook a separate meal for one person at every meal (which may turn out to be 'different from last time'), or have everyone eat the same as the ND person, of course. Food should never, never be used as a punishment. I did not in any sense suggest it should be. One could - and should - batch cook several different forms of 'safe food' so that there is variety.

Honestly, I am with @NoisyViewer - 6 year olds are entirely capable of manipulating their parents to their own (perceived) advantage and will also embroider what happened.
Too many ND kids - it's not a survival strategy in an evolutionary sense, so where has it come from so suddenly in Western societies? How many ND DC are to be found in e.g. Sudan, Yemen etc?