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Original poster

Need people's views on what just happened in my home

919 replies

Spiderwoman123 · 03/12/2025 19:21

6 year old ASD son. He is currently in process of EHCP application. He struggles socially, has no friends, has weird things about food

H has always said im too soft. Letting him have pudding when hes only eaten cucumber. That kind of thing. H gets v frustrated at DS not eating as H is the house chef really. H always been pretty resistant to adapting parenting but accepts diagnosis and is kind and loving but can also be v inflexible and quick to anger.H much prefers younger DS (none of same challenges). H can get pretty grumpy

Right. So dinner time. DS refusing to eat chicken as he says different to normal stuff. H getting wound up. Me trying to reduce tension. DS says "stop looking at me" as H staring at him. H looks mad. DS getting mad too. Tension rising and both sniping at each other. DS goes to slap H. Its pretty half hearted. DS used to hit a lot when meltdown and we have worked on it a lot together but it still happens. DS barely touches H. H says this is because he moved out the way.

H in response raises his hand to hit DS. I think. Stops himself and then picks up DS chair off the ground and tips it over so that DS falls onto hard kitchen floor. Not from some great height but he definitely picked up the chair and tipped it fully so DS (who was curled up on chair crying) onto floor. Pur kitchen has a fake concrete floor thing

DS bawling. H saying he didn't mean to but he wanted DS to leave room. H saying im overreacting and started blaming me for my shitty parenting!

Currently putting two v upset boys to bed. I think it's fucking horrendous. H thinks DS went to hit him and H was just getting him to leave the room

Pls tell me what to do

OP posts:
Newsenmum · 04/12/2025 14:54

Grammarnut · 04/12/2025 11:11

Honestly, I am with @NoisyViewer - 6 year olds are entirely capable of manipulating their parents to their own (perceived) advantage and will also embroider what happened.
Too many ND kids - it's not a survival strategy in an evolutionary sense, so where has it come from so suddenly in Western societies? How many ND DC are to be found in e.g. Sudan, Yemen etc?

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Omg you really dont understand do you.

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 14:51

Grammarnut · 04/12/2025 08:24

Not defending it. But DC was obnoxious. Just because you are ND does not absolve you from proper behaviour. What was wrong with the bloody chicken? Chicken is chicken. If DC does not like it tell DC to eat the rest of the food and feed chicken to cat, or something. No pudding - can't eat main. Thereafter batch cook acceptable chicken for DC and feed it at every meal. One cannot cook separate food for one member of a family all the time.

Edited
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Do you have children?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 04/12/2025 14:50

BuckChuckets · 03/12/2025 20:29

I'm shocked at the people saying it's an acceptable way for an adult to react and behave towards a small child. OP, if you're erring on that side of the fence, I would urge you to contact social services, tell them EXACTLY what happened, and ask for help/see what they recommend.

Has anyone said it's 'acceptable'? The most we seem to have is a comment that the father seems to be at the end of his tether

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 14:42

PandorasJam · 04/12/2025 07:12

If nothing else, this may teach your DS that there can be consequences if you try to hit someone.

I sympathize with both of you trying to parent this kid.

.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 04/12/2025 14:41

Breadandbutta · 03/12/2025 19:34

Do not LTB. He isn't a bastard. It's really common in neurodivergent families and you need family support - early help from social workers ... reach out to the school and explain that things are tense at home and incidents are escalating. The school can offer help and support. I don't think people without physically aggressive autistic children can understand the amount of sheer pressure it puts on a person who is unlearning parenting in the way they were raised, to be more neuroaffirming and low demand. It is so common for neurodivergent families to need support with this. Speak to the senco tomorrow. They can refer you for family support.

Thank you for this (much slated and piled on) post

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 04/12/2025 14:41

SpinningaCompass · 03/12/2025 20:06

Husband goes. Tell him he's gone.

He only gets to come back IF he gets himself assessed for autism.
AND
Attends parenting courses.

Ask your child's school for support tomorrow.

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Where I live there's a four to five year waiting list for adult ASD assessment. Unless OP and her husband can afford a private assessment today pay may be not be possible to get done quickly.

Accepting help around parenting and the needs or ND children is reasonable - though again here the programme we went on is no longer funded and ended this year. Don't overestimate what's available.

NoisyViewer · 04/12/2025 14:40

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s all so
easy for people to say leave like there aren’t other factors involved. What he did wouldn’t warrant a no contact either. You’d have to prove the impossible that he didn’t realise DS wasn’t in a ball & thought he’d slide off the chair. There is no proof any intent to hurt your son. Especially when no other significant event has happened before.

i agree with the charity about your marriage, I think it’s more of a lack of communication between the 2 of you that’s the main catalyst. Your son demands probably adds to the stress but if you where a united front with a compromise of rules you’d be a team facing the challenges of parenting, which is hard when ND isn’t an issue.

i think you need to address this, get counselling & all this can be discussed in a calm manner with a mediator.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 04/12/2025 14:39

Pumpkinallspice · 03/12/2025 19:37

To be honest, it was a poor reaction but I understand getting to the end of your tether.

If he wants your son to eat and he's being difficult, it is the wrong way to go about it but it is absolutely exhausting living with a child that is inflexible and controlling.

He needs support to manage his emotions. Your son needs support with his and you both need to enroll on a course about supporting an autistic child so you are on the same page.

Edited

Very much agree

cestlavielife · 04/12/2025 14:38

-They asked "how is the relationship btw the two of you" - i said "not good. we sleep in separate beds and we aren't loving to each other" and she said "well, that may also be contributing to XX's reaching boiling point, rather than just DS behaviour, it may also be that he is stressed about his marriage"-

Yeh. Maybe he stressed.
But does not justify tipping a child onto floor then blaming the child and op.
Separation might be best all round.

MissDoubleU · 04/12/2025 14:37

Anonanonay · 04/12/2025 14:25

Well done. So if the autism is a mitigating factor in the child, it is also a mitigating factor for the adult.

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But the father is an adult and needs to behave like one. He cannot strike or abuse a 6 year old boy. If he has so much trouble controlling his violence that he may hurt his child, autism or not, he needs to remove himself from the home until he is a safe person to be around his child.

To repeat, violence committed by a child can use autism as a mitigating factor. Grown adults cannot use autism as a mitigating factor to avoid responsibility for committing any abuses.

Megifer · 04/12/2025 14:33

Anonanonay · 04/12/2025 14:25

Well done. So if the autism is a mitigating factor in the child, it is also a mitigating factor for the adult.

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And yet, the father has managed to go through life without being violent so far AND exercised self control by not going through with hitting the child.

Tiswa · 04/12/2025 14:31

Anonanonay · 04/12/2025 14:25

Well done. So if the autism is a mitigating factor in the child, it is also a mitigating factor for the adult.

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Say we are dealing with a legal assault the mitigating factor would not in any way counter what he did which was a clear and thought through assault

Mitigating factors only go so far plus he is undiagnosed so we have no idea what if anything he has that could be seen as a mitigating factor

Sassylovesbooks · 04/12/2025 14:31

From your updates OP, it seems to me that your husband has lost his temper and physically hurt your son, more than just this once. This incident might be the only one you have witnessed, but your son wasn't saying 'weird stuff', he was telling you, that this wasn't the first time and that he's scared of his Dad. You need to listen. You aren't always at home, so you don't know how your husband is behaving towards your eldest, when you're not there. Yes, I think your husband is likely ND. However, that doesn't excuse his behaviour, he's the adult and should have walked away. I don't think your husband accepts your son's diagnosis at all, I believe he thinks your son is deliberately manipulative and you are simply pandering to a naughty child. If your husband can't accept his own son's diagnosis, then he's never ever going to accept he is the same. Your husband wants to control...he refuses to see your point of view. He refuses to compromise because he believes he's right, and his way is the only way. He won't engage with attending courses, professionals or the school. He takes no responsibility for his behaviour, tries to justify it by blaming a 6 year old and is minimising it too. You can't control your husband's behaviour and you most definitely can't change it. I can't see your husband suddenly engaging with SS or anyone to be honest. You have to prioritise your children, that means reporting the incident yourself to the school or SS.

Imdunfer · 04/12/2025 14:31

Anonanonay · 04/12/2025 14:25

Well done. So if the autism is a mitigating factor in the child, it is also a mitigating factor for the adult.

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It might get him a marginally lower sentence on an assault charge but it wouldn't stop a guilty verdict.

StellaMary · 04/12/2025 14:30

OP, have you spoke to your family/friends about any of this (the incident or your partner’s behaviour generally)? What do they make of it? Do you have someone who could support you?

Donttellempike · 04/12/2025 14:28

Anonanonay · 04/12/2025 14:25

Well done. So if the autism is a mitigating factor in the child, it is also a mitigating factor for the adult.

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No very bright are you?

Donttellempike · 04/12/2025 14:27

Howmanycatsistoomany · 04/12/2025 13:59

The father lifted his hand to hit his 6-year old, thought better of it (almost certainly because he realised his wife was watching), then picked up the child in his chair and deliberately tipped the chair so the child fell onto a concrete floor? A bit fucking fraught? Are you serious?

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They walk among us 😵‍💫

Anonanonay · 04/12/2025 14:25

Donttellempike · 04/12/2025 10:57

Because the child is 6. And the father is an adult. 😵‍💫

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Well done. So if the autism is a mitigating factor in the child, it is also a mitigating factor for the adult.

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 14:24

PandorasJam · 04/12/2025 07:12

If nothing else, this may teach your DS that there can be consequences if you try to hit someone.

I sympathize with both of you trying to parent this kid.

Yes. "Listen little boy, if you try to hit someone then a full grown man will hit you harder." Thankfully in most countries, this is illegal.

NimbleDreamer · 04/12/2025 14:18

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 14:16

I have called for advice - they did tell me it was serious - and of course it is and they advised telling the school. But they also gave me lots of advice that mirrors what people have said about the stresses of looking after ASD children and do me and H work as team and if we want to stay together we need to focus on the rleationship, and that all parents do things they aren't proud of etc. I'm just telling you what they said. I didn't sugar coat antyhin to them.. What would be the point of me sugarcoating when it's an anonymous phone line? I am telling the truth as accurately as I possibly can to this forum, to the advice line and to the school. My H is angry, shouts, and yesterday it turned physical, he struggles with our ASD son, and while he is affectionate and dependable in many ways - our home has become dysfucntional. I am trying so hard to do everything right. But being told that I am not telling the truth to the chairty becuase people don't like the advice i was given is just incorrect. what you have read here is what I told the charity @Donttellempike

The point is though your relationship is fucked because of your DH's attitude. The charity telling you that you need to be on the same page as parents is pointless because you have said yourself you have tried for years but your DH won't listen. What are you supposed to do with that? And now his behaviour has escalated and he has turned violent.

It's up to you what you do next but I know what I would do.

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 14:18

Peridoteage · 04/12/2025 06:52

DH is v obsessed with us not being grateful enough about the food he cooks. He takes it personally that the kids bloody wont eat their chicken.

As the person who was in your DH shoes doing most of the cooking - you need to step up and share the load on this. I had exactly the same reaction when the kids were rude about food I'd spent hours making. I needed DH to do more of the share of the cooking.

It helped massively. He put less effort in but this also meant he struggled less with the sense that the kids were ungrateful and it toned down the atmosphere, but he also started to understand how i felt, and as a result started to be more consistent about working with me on boundaries. It led to clear rules - the kids don't have to like or eat what has been cooked but they don't get to say its "disgusting" or be rude about it, because that it is hurtful to the person who has cooked it.

Is your DH getting a bit of death by a thousand cuts?

Chicken nuggets?

Megifer · 04/12/2025 14:17

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 14:09

I absolutely did not. I told them what it in my OP. I told them my H threw my 6 year old off a chair onto a hard floor because they had a fight over chicken nugget. Those words. Simple as.

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Its so bad that they suggested your relationship and DS behaviour was to blame for his dad being violent towards him.

I hope you complain, whoever advised you needs sacking as they are a liability.

Differentforgirls · 04/12/2025 14:16

HC1ps · 04/12/2025 06:51

You do need to get help if you’re feeling sick, some of the over dramatic responses need to be ignored and as others have said MN really is not the place to get help or advice anymore.

FWIW my child had an eating disorder for several years and we were told by all professionals that we had to take control of food and our child had to eat what we provided. It was crucial that we worked as a team. So clearly it is pointless turning to a forum like this to get help.

Go to the school. Ask for Early Help.We weren’t there, we only have your account and others dealing with your family will be best placed to provide support.

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No wonder they had an eating disorder. 😱

Original poster
Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 14:16

I have called for advice - they did tell me it was serious - and of course it is and they advised telling the school. But they also gave me lots of advice that mirrors what people have said about the stresses of looking after ASD children and do me and H work as team and if we want to stay together we need to focus on the rleationship, and that all parents do things they aren't proud of etc. I'm just telling you what they said. I didn't sugar coat antyhin to them.. What would be the point of me sugarcoating when it's an anonymous phone line? I am telling the truth as accurately as I possibly can to this forum, to the advice line and to the school. My H is angry, shouts, and yesterday it turned physical, he struggles with our ASD son, and while he is affectionate and dependable in many ways - our home has become dysfucntional. I am trying so hard to do everything right. But being told that I am not telling the truth to the chairty becuase people don't like the advice i was given is just incorrect. what you have read here is what I told the charity @Donttellempike

OP posts:
NimbleDreamer · 04/12/2025 14:14

Spiderwoman123 · 04/12/2025 14:09

I absolutely did not. I told them what it in my OP. I told them my H threw my 6 year old off a chair onto a hard floor because they had a fight over chicken nugget. Those words. Simple as.

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They did not "have a fight over chicken nuggets". Your DS didn't want to eat them as he struggles with chicken due to his ASD, and your DH responded by throwing a strop, went to hit your DC, then decided to throw him off his chair instead.

I do question what you may have told the charity now if you're framing the incident as a "fight over chicken nuggets".

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