Have you ever said anything on a forum you would not dare say to that persons face?

No, not to be mean or anything at all. But yes, two exceptions to the question. The first being i was very honest once in an online post about my mental health, which i hadnt yet admitted to anyone- to sympathise with a new mum.

and second, once (back when my niece was a toddler) see someone I'm 99.9% sure was my SIL moaning about her mum refusing to do FT childcare for them for free on here.

I'd already told her and my brother my view on it- them being entitled- but I'd had to be diplomatic as they are so prickly people. I had to sit on my hands not to be blunt! Luckily mnet peeps handed her her arse!

There's a difference between telling someone they are being unreasonable or selfish or whatever regarding their post and and being nasty , usually with insults that aren't applicable to the topic of the thread . Their usually seems to be at least one poster on the a.i.b.u threads who are just commenting for the purpose of being nasty.

Agreed, @Periperi2025 — an anonymous internet forum means people both ask questions they wouldn’t in RL and get non-echo-chamber responses they might not get in RL either.

And absolutely, some OP’s melodramatically outraged responses to replies to whatever they posted about do make me realise that a certain type of person is apparently completely unused to being disagreed with or told they’re wrong.

Define "mean".
For some people "mean" is just not being agreed with or worse still not be enthusiastically validated.

Some times what someone perceives as "mean" might be exactly what they need to hear.

I think the flip side is that people asked questions here that they might not in real life, and then some of them are surprised when other people give honest and opinionated answered that don't align to their views and needs for validation.

There are topics that i would not engage in in real life because it's not worth the hassle, but if people have chosen to go down that route on an anonymous forum then I'm happy to discuss them in this context.

Don't start a post in AIBU if you're not prepared to hear some challenging opinions.

I’m more honest for sure.

I’ve been very honest on the SEN forums where people love to pathologise and self diagnose normal kid behaviour. Or themselves. Get over it people, not everyone’s autistic (my kid is and this ‘oh they are masking so they look and act totally normal and get good grades and have friends and it looks fine but they’re actually really autistic because sometimes they get upset BS annoys me. That’s not masking ffs. That’s just not having autism. And putting your perfectly normal kid alongside my very disabled one makes me compete for resources my kid and others actually need. But sure you cam spend £5k and find a doctor who will slap a diagnosis on. Go for it).

Finding exams hard or work hard doesn’t mean you / your kid have adhd, exams are meant to be hard. Work is hard. We so it to get paid.

ah glad i got that off my chest :-)

But are you mean though. I’m quite gender critical but stay off those groups on mumsnet as the language used is so unnecessarily vindictive.

I happen to believe most trans people are traumatised or mentally ill and need help, not abuse.

Which incidentally is something i could say on a forum and not in real life - certainly not to my trans nephew who seems to feel becoming a girl is the solution to sexual abuse we know he’s suffered (family member now behind bars) but refuses to talk about sadly.

I wouldn't say something online that I wouldn't say in real life.

I wouldn't give unsolicited advice either, so if I'm asked for opinion, then I'm honest. And that's easier if delivered directly. If I ask for an opinion, I also value honesty.

I've posted on here about problems in the past. I ignore the people who are obviously just being twats, haven't read the post properly or are clearly projecting etc. I value the directness of some people and find the "you sound lovely" responses grating. You don't know me. How can you possibly know if I'm 'lovely' or not?

In reality, it can just be helpful to share a situation and see a range of responses. Some of which will give a perspective you haven't considered which can be helpful. It's pretty clear which are the genuine responses.

Support can come in many guises. The least useful of which is 'niceness' and telling someone they're right when they're clearly not, which also happens a lot on here.

The only reason that MN gets a lambasted in this respect is because of the number of women who just think other women should be 'nice' at all times.

People post for a far less unvarnished truth than they would get in RL from someone they had an ongoing relationship with.

I agree, surely people post for advice because they know they'll get the unvarnished truth in many cases. They don't want the platitudes they get IRL, what would be the point of that. Yes it hurts, the truth does hurt, but at least they can act on it, eg if they give a load of cast iron evidence that their DH is having an affair and asks for people's views, that's what they'll get. The problem is they then row back and start making all sorts of excuses for their liar of a DH or they drip feed extra nuggets, which is frustrating,

in the most extreme situations I don't bother to post because it's so obvious what the truth is. If I did post it would be "can't you face facts?" so I withhold comment, at the risk of sounding like a dick.

And it's debatable people think that MN is a place for support. It's a place for people to give alternative views that then validates the situation so the OP can move forward in some way. The number of people who post wild "advice" when they've got no skin in the game whatsoever, I don't class that as support, it's messing with someone's RL - if an OP takes that advice or "support" they must surely want their head testing (Christmas round robin announcing DHs affair to family, springs to mind).

No, what may go through my mind, doesn't have to automatically be inflicted on others.
The world is an often hard and hostile place anyway. Little point in making it worse when you're in a good position to be more controlled about your reactions.

I'm pretty much the same person in real life as I am online. I'm never nasty for the sake of it; it's just not in my nature. I can be quite blunt online when it comes to Baby Names, though. Blunt, but hopefully not actually nasty.

Yeah I just read a comment a few minutes ago that couldn't have been motivated by anything other than wanting to put someone down. It's pathetic really.

Like the tragic woman who was accused of online trolling a few years ago, when asked why she did it, she said she was entitled to, and I think a lot of people have that attitude.
They see others on forums as fair game, especially the weaker more vulnerable ones.

I've said things I wouldn't say to a stranger, but nothing I wouldn't say to a friend who'd asked for my opinion or advice.

I think it’s an entirely different scenario. If I met you in a supermarket and you told me your whole life story and intimate details of a problem you were having and asked for my opinion, I’d probably think you were quite mad and back away. But that’s what we are asking of people here.

If I know someone a little bit, I will give generally give them a kind but agreeable or non commiital answer. If I know them well and have that relationship with them, I will tell them the truth, as kindly as I can. That’s probably the same as I would do here, I’m never purposely rude or cruel.

I think it’s an entirely different scenario. If I met you in a supermarket and you told me your whole life story and intimate details of a problem you were having and asked for my opinion, I’d probably think you were quite mad and back away. But that’s what we are asking of people here.

If I know someone a little bit, I will give generally give them a kind but agreeable or non commiital answer. If I know them well and have that relationship with them, I will tell them the truth, as kindly as I can. That’s probably the same as I would do here, I’m never purposely rude or cruel.

I say things more directly here (largely because IRL I’m surrounded by people who are extremely thin skinned, and I can’t say anything I really think without endless sulks and histrionics).

If I’m very honest, I think I often come to MN when I’m feeling pretty fucked off after a day of being endlessly understanding with my needy and oversensitive loved ones, and let off steam on threads where the OP is clearly being a self-centred twat or a CF.

(I suspect half of these threads are trolly rage bait anyway)

I don’t do it on threads where someone is clearly vulnerable and seeking support. It’s more the threads where someone’s complaining their birthday presents weren’t lavish enough or their friends don’t drop everything to answer their text messages promptly.

I have made shitty comments to people who waffle on about nothing for pages and pages in insane detail, whereas IRL I just tune out and wait for them to STFU and go away.

I really hate the threads where someone is suffering with an abusive cocklodging partner and posters pile on full of contempt to tell her it’s her fault for being a doormat / an enabler / a wet lettuce.

Newsflash forums are different to real life. So yeah, it’s appropriate that people behave differently. If I’m talking to someone in real life I know the context, I often know the other side of the story. On hear someone has usually present their tale to make them appear the victim. Usually they are absolutely in a mess of their own making, or a non-event.

a forum gives you license to talk straight, which I would love to do to friends and relations, but because I know them I know they can’t hear the message in blunt terms.

I’ve been surprised at recriminations and comments made when someone is in a difficult situation and clearly in distress. Comments along the lines of “ you’ve brought this problem on yourself, your children are going to suffer how can you be such a bad mother” and also pseudo psychotherapeutic questions that are irrelevant to the question being asked and that are of no help to sorting out the problem.

Isn't that part of the dynamic of forums ?

I mean if you want endless platitudes and "there there's" and "that's lovely" and "it's not your fault" then the people around you in real life can serve that up in abundance.

If you want what people might actually think a forum is probably a lot better.

It's all about whether you are willing to accept that.

Often. When people ask AIBU and they are clearly being unreasonable, I say so. In real life I would dodge the question or say "lovely name" or similar vague stuff.

They are asking total strangers anonymously. The dynamic is completely different to a colleague or family member with whom you have an ongoing relationship and is not touting for opinions from passers-by.