To go from four to five kids?

I feel you need to talk to your DP again and point these things out to him. It really isn't fair that your child doesn't have a sibling because your DP changed his mind. He knew what you wanted from the beginning, and changing lanes now is unkind to both you and your DD.

You're an adult whose chosen that commute though. For the children, adding an hour and half into their school day to travel, and taking away their choice to see friends casually and easily after school isn't a great option for teens.

Most people don't select secondary schools 45 minutes away from their home, because they know that the commute isn't great for children. The OP was clear the children choose to spend more time at their mum's.

I don't think OP should have another baby, to be clear, but I don't think her partner not having 50/50 (at the kids choice!) is a reason.

Mm. Is it? I got a lot of "clapping" reactions. It's lovely if you get a caring brother or sister who lives locally to share the looking-after. Not so much if you get a brother like my cousin who was desperate for his dad to stay at home as long as possible to avoid selling the house to pay for care despite all evidence he needed to be in assisted living.

45 mins is my commute to work twice daily-very poor to use that as an excuse to see his kids so little.
YABU-your DH is not cut out for it.

Wow. That was rude.

RTFT.

Teenagers and young adults are extremely expensive, especially if you want to help them get on the housing ladder! No way would we be able to afford to help 5 children!!

I think it's actually that the children - who are getting older - don't want to be travelling 45 mins away on school nights. Which is entirely reasonable. They want to be near their school and friends.

You don't have to spilt everything down the middle entirely to be a present good parent.

However, I do think given OP's husband has already had four children, and assuming the split happened when they were older, and has lived and raised four children through the baby/toddler stage, it's totally reasonable he doesn't want to do it again.

That doesn't mean he's a bad dad, it sounds like he knows his limits. Financially too, support for children doesn't necessarily end at 18. Lots of parents like to help their children with deposits, weddings etc into adulthood.

This isn't required, but perhaps he is thinking ahead. A baby won't be a baby forever, so affording a 5th baby isn't the same as affording a 5th son or daughter for life.

No way - especially if dad already has 4 children and understandably doesn’t want any more.

Babies might be cheap but teenagers are dreadfully expensive. I wouldn't want that expense x5…

Intuitions come first, strategic reasoning second (or, in the case of cute babies, sometimes not at all).

Off topic slightly, but one of the most egregious examples of this in regard to parenthood is in Kadiatu Kanneh-Mason's book 'House of Music: Raising the Kanneh-Masons' (which I otherwise enjoyed as they are a remarkable family). It absolutely drips with envy and the perceived victimhood of how hard it is for their children to access music lessons, buy instruments, and study at the most prestigious music colleges / conservatories, when compared to those from (apparently more) affluent, white British middle class families. Note that Kadiatu and her husband are/were a university lecturer and an engineer. Did they employ strategic reasoning and sound financial family planning? How many children do they have? 7. I wonder how many siblings those other kids at the Royal College of Music had..

But, but .... babies! They're cute!!!

As to all the "DP isn't keen" comments, if this man - who presumably by now has a fair idea of how babies are made - is knowingly having unprotected sex with the OP, then it's hard to believe his objection is very strong.

I'm assuming he DOES know, OP?

So why do you think it’s ok to have more when you have 3 step children? They’re at yours a lot, they cost a lot, your DH is already a father to 4 children which is a lot to juggle. If you wanted a 4-5 person family unit you really shouldn’t have married someone who comes with 3 children already.

Well he’s equally clear that he’s done.

You can’t make those kind of rigid demands in life. You need to play things by ear and be ready to compromise.

You can try and force him into it, and by the sound of it you may well do, but it’s not a good idea.

If one of you or their DM gets sick - (I’m in my 50s and 3 of my friends have had cancer more than once, one has died, and 2 of my friends’ husbands have died) - you will be completely overwhelmed.

DP isn’t keen

Then, no.

But given recent threads there are 100s even 1000s shaking their heads and muttering about benefits/cheats/motability luxury cars etc

That’s rather pessimistic.

How do the DSC feel. They appear to have gained 3 siblings between their parents already.

Do the DSC have their own rooms in your house?

This is the inherent problem with being in a relationship with a man who already has lots of children.
You want another, totally understand but can also understand why he doesn't. 5 is a huge number and even if financially you can cope, how on earth will he be able to give the time and focus to his existing children without adding more into the mix. Even from a relationship aspect, taking the children out of it.. where will you ever get the time to be a couple. There are ALWAYS massive compromises when getting into a relationship with someone with this much baggage..

“Two together”, but he already has 3 children. Those older 3 don’t disappear. Not many families have 4+ children and for good reason, would you be considering number 5 if the other 4 were all shared? I suspect not.