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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go from four to five kids?

268 replies

Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 13:08

We have SD12, SD10, SS7 and DD1. We have SC every other weekend, one night in the week and in the holidays, can’t have them more due to their mum moving to the other side of the city, which is 45m drive in peak time. As they’re getting older, they’re finding more reasons to stay at their mum’s, which I think is normal as it’s closer to schools and their friends (plus later curfew and more gaming time and the like).

Pros:

  • I want DD to have a sibling to grow up with. I’m an only child with no cousins, DP’s only brother lives abroad and cousins aren’t close so no cousins nearby and we moved to this city to follow SC’s mum so we don’t have close friends nearby either
  • could afford it, we have all the baby stuff already, I get a generous maternity leave and we wouldn’t need to change car
  • we have enough room, though baby would need to share with DD until they’re at school when I’ll go back to full time work and we’d do an attic conversion to give them a room each
  • I just don’t feel done yet

Cons:

  • time and money will be more stretched between the children
  • I’m 39 so possibly more risky
  • DP isn’t keen as he says he’s been changing nappies for over a decade!
  • environmental impact?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - go for it

OP posts:
Theroadt · 03/12/2025 16:39

cadburyegg · 03/12/2025 13:19

There’s always one 🙄

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Well frankly I can see her point. Money is tight for everyone but OP has sufficient money anyway, so all good.

InlandTaipan · 03/12/2025 16:37

Do you have the money saved (or the ability to save it) to help them through university? I dont mean paying their tuition fees or anything daft like that, I just mean enough to pay your share of the parental contribution? Or is your dh leaving that to his ex?

I would have said that your dh has more than enough kids - but I do understand why you'd like another.

Original poster
Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 16:36

logsahc · 03/12/2025 16:20

“He knows the 7 year old pretty well”…I would hope he knows them very well!

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I was being facetious.

OP posts:
AreWeThereYet25 · 03/12/2025 16:36

No, your DP has 4 children fgs, he doesn't need to bring any more into the world, particularly if he's not bothered. Obviously he's happy to have sex with you, he's a man! Doesn't mean his brain has engaged and he's thought this will probably result in a 5th child. He's not thinking about that bit at the time. Enjoy the blended family that you have. You DC has step siblings, they will be fine and will probably feel they're sharing their dad enough as it is without another sibling.

Isittimeformynapyet · 03/12/2025 16:33

Aluna · 03/12/2025 15:37

Well he’s equally clear that he’s done.

You can’t make those kind of rigid demands in life. You need to play things by ear and be ready to compromise.

You can try and force him into it, and by the sound of it you may well do, but it’s not a good idea.

If one of you or their DM gets sick - (I’m in my 50s and 3 of my friends have had cancer more than once, one has died, and 2 of my friends’ husbands have died) - you will be completely overwhelmed.

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A few posters have mentioned this (so not picking on you), but if "I might die" was a reason not to have children nobody would ever have any!

I got the feeling the op's partner is not keen on balance, but might get on board fairly easily - we can't really tell though, with only OP's side to go on.

logsahc · 03/12/2025 16:32

HHHMMM · 03/12/2025 16:19

I would go for it in your shoes, OP. You don't have four kids, you have one and you clearly long for one more. It doesn't feel that your OP is dead against it. It is pretty much now or never.

Ignore posters about the finances - based on your replies it feels that you are more sensible with money and financial planning then the majority of the posters here and well qualified to give advice to them about the costs of children.

The only thing that I will do is to establish the clear end date of trying to get pregnant - be it 40 or 41 - and stick to it. Be contempt with whatever comes as a result - be it a second child or no child.

Right but he has 4 kids…?

Mariammaom · 03/12/2025 16:31

Superhansrantowindsor · 03/12/2025 16:03

Do not underestimate the mental exhaustion of parenting teens. Add in menopause and it can be horrendous.
What will you do if it is twins?
Could you cope if a child had disabilities?
Teens are very expensive too. They eat a lot of, clothing is expensive - school shoes alone. Then there’s stuff like driving lessons and university.

And helping them onto the housing ladder…! Very expensive

Original poster
Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 16:29

HHHMMM · 03/12/2025 16:19

I would go for it in your shoes, OP. You don't have four kids, you have one and you clearly long for one more. It doesn't feel that your OP is dead against it. It is pretty much now or never.

Ignore posters about the finances - based on your replies it feels that you are more sensible with money and financial planning then the majority of the posters here and well qualified to give advice to them about the costs of children.

The only thing that I will do is to establish the clear end date of trying to get pregnant - be it 40 or 41 - and stick to it. Be contempt with whatever comes as a result - be it a second child or no child.

Thank you, good advice. I’ve been thinking of a cut off when turning 41 or 42. We wouldn’t do IVF.

OP posts:
Mariammaom · 03/12/2025 16:29

HHHMMM · 03/12/2025 16:19

I would go for it in your shoes, OP. You don't have four kids, you have one and you clearly long for one more. It doesn't feel that your OP is dead against it. It is pretty much now or never.

Ignore posters about the finances - based on your replies it feels that you are more sensible with money and financial planning then the majority of the posters here and well qualified to give advice to them about the costs of children.

The only thing that I will do is to establish the clear end date of trying to get pregnant - be it 40 or 41 - and stick to it. Be contempt with whatever comes as a result - be it a second child or no child.

Ignore the posters about the finances? Why??

We currently have three adult children between 19 and 24 and it is extremely hard for them to save any money and/or move out without our financial help. Why is that not something to consider??

Mariammaom · 03/12/2025 16:27

Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 15:55

We wouldn’t have three teenagers at the same time as there’d be a 13+ year age gap between oldest and youngest. When DD is 18, SC will be between 25-30.

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25-30 year olds around here are often still living at home as they can’t afford to move out and rent/buy without financial help from their parents.

Having 5 children between 18 and 30 will be incredibly expensive…!!

logsahc · 03/12/2025 16:20

Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 16:10

We have them to stay over four nights a fortnight plus six weeks of holidays. He sees the 7 year old every Saturday for football and lunch, and often for another evening in the week he hasn’t had the full weekend (this used to be the routine for SDs too). And we are always receptive to having them all more.

So he sees them on Friday, Saturday and Sunday every other week then Saturday the alternate week, on Wednesday every week, and sometimes another evening. Six to seven days a fortnight. He knows the seven year old pretty well.

“He knows the 7 year old pretty well”…I would hope he knows them very well!

HHHMMM · 03/12/2025 16:19

I would go for it in your shoes, OP. You don't have four kids, you have one and you clearly long for one more. It doesn't feel that your OP is dead against it. It is pretty much now or never.

Ignore posters about the finances - based on your replies it feels that you are more sensible with money and financial planning then the majority of the posters here and well qualified to give advice to them about the costs of children.

The only thing that I will do is to establish the clear end date of trying to get pregnant - be it 40 or 41 - and stick to it. Be contempt with whatever comes as a result - be it a second child or no child.

Nmeag · 03/12/2025 16:18

I think if your partner is happy either way and not adamant he doesn't want another you should go for it. The best gift you can give your child is company. 39 is not ancient, I had my last at 38 and I now feel totally done and our family is complete. Only you and your partner can truly answer the question...best of luck x

Original poster
Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 16:13

Inthebitterend · 03/12/2025 15:59

Anything other than a definite yes is a no, isn't that what consent is?

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Weird take. Do you think I’m forcing him into non-consensual sex…?

OP posts:
Original poster
Eaglesfortea · 03/12/2025 16:10

We have them to stay over four nights a fortnight plus six weeks of holidays. He sees the 7 year old every Saturday for football and lunch, and often for another evening in the week he hasn’t had the full weekend (this used to be the routine for SDs too). And we are always receptive to having them all more.

So he sees them on Friday, Saturday and Sunday every other week then Saturday the alternate week, on Wednesday every week, and sometimes another evening. Six to seven days a fortnight. He knows the seven year old pretty well.

OP posts:
NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 03/12/2025 16:10

TidyCyan · 03/12/2025 15:50

Mm. Is it? I got a lot of "clapping" reactions. It's lovely if you get a caring brother or sister who lives locally to share the looking-after. Not so much if you get a brother like my cousin who was desperate for his dad to stay at home as long as possible to avoid selling the house to pay for care despite all evidence he needed to be in assisted living.

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Well of course there will be instances where a sibling is less of a help and more of a hindrance. Hopefully they’re the minority of cases though.

TMess · 03/12/2025 16:08

I have six so I’m not saying this from a “too many kids” standpoint, but I do really think it needs to be an enthusiastic yes from both parties before having another baby, and your partner doesn’t sound completely cut out for the job tbh.

WackyRacers · 03/12/2025 16:03

He sees his current kids 4 nights a fortnight. He must barely know the 7 year old.

Superhansrantowindsor · 03/12/2025 16:03

Do not underestimate the mental exhaustion of parenting teens. Add in menopause and it can be horrendous.
What will you do if it is twins?
Could you cope if a child had disabilities?
Teens are very expensive too. They eat a lot of, clothing is expensive - school shoes alone. Then there’s stuff like driving lessons and university.

WackyRacers · 03/12/2025 16:02

He doesn’t parent the kids he has!!! Definitely don’t have a second with him.

Aluna · 03/12/2025 16:00

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/12/2025 15:57

The only con I see is "DP isn’t keen as he says he’s been changing nappies for over a decade!" And given that he is knowingly having unprotected sex with you and the agreement between you right at the start was that you would have two children together, I'm sure he can change nappies for another couple of years. 'Isn't keen' is a long way from 'definitely not'.

It sounds to me as if the age gap is already kicking in for the older step-siblings to drift away, so in your shoes at 39 I'd be cracking on with getting pregnant.

Maybe he trusts OP?

Aluna · 03/12/2025 15:59

gldd · 03/12/2025 15:41

Intuitions come first, strategic reasoning second (or, in the case of cute babies, sometimes not at all).

Off topic slightly, but one of the most egregious examples of this in regard to parenthood is in Kadiatu Kanneh-Mason's book 'House of Music: Raising the Kanneh-Masons' (which I otherwise enjoyed as they are a remarkable family). It absolutely drips with envy and the perceived victimhood of how hard it is for their children to access music lessons, buy instruments, and study at the most prestigious music colleges / conservatories, when compared to those from (apparently more) affluent, white British middle class families. Note that Kadiatu and her husband are/were a university lecturer and an engineer. Did they employ strategic reasoning and sound financial family planning? How many children do they have? 7. I wonder how many siblings those other kids at the Royal College of Music had..

But, but .... babies! They're cute!!!

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This is a really mean-spirited little post and completely irrelevant to the OP.

It is indeed much easier to access excellent music teaching if you’re wealthy middle class. Few if any state schools have the kind of music departments that private schools have, and all the specialist music schools - Purcell, Cheethams, Menuhin etc, are fee paying.

Inthebitterend · 03/12/2025 15:59

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/12/2025 15:57

The only con I see is "DP isn’t keen as he says he’s been changing nappies for over a decade!" And given that he is knowingly having unprotected sex with you and the agreement between you right at the start was that you would have two children together, I'm sure he can change nappies for another couple of years. 'Isn't keen' is a long way from 'definitely not'.

It sounds to me as if the age gap is already kicking in for the older step-siblings to drift away, so in your shoes at 39 I'd be cracking on with getting pregnant.

Anything other than a definite yes is a no, isn't that what consent is?

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/12/2025 15:57

The only con I see is "DP isn’t keen as he says he’s been changing nappies for over a decade!" And given that he is knowingly having unprotected sex with you and the agreement between you right at the start was that you would have two children together, I'm sure he can change nappies for another couple of years. 'Isn't keen' is a long way from 'definitely not'.

It sounds to me as if the age gap is already kicking in for the older step-siblings to drift away, so in your shoes at 39 I'd be cracking on with getting pregnant.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/12/2025 15:56

I think some of the responses here about his parenting of his eldest 3 are being harsh:

  • He didn't move, the mum did
  • There are plenty of threads saying that a completely equal 50 50 split isn't always best for children, it provides more stability for them to have a 'main home'
  • I don't think many people could fit in an additional 3 hours of driving a day (to take them to and from school and then drive back to your house / job) on top of working full time and looking after a toddler etc and doubt his children would want to travel 90 min to school and back to stay at his more in the week

I don't think people can say he is a shit parent to his existing children, on the information given