“I don’t want any jealousy between them”. AIBU

It’s almost certainly not the only reason she had one child. It might not even really be the main one, but rather just have been the reason that was playing on her mind currently as she watched/listened to you talk about how your children interact. We have a hundred reasons for only having one child, and I’d probably say a different one was “main reason” depending what day you asked.

Also, everyone has their own experiences informing their viewpoints. I grew up as the unfavourite sibling, so avoiding sibling jealousy would be a very big deal to me if I had more than one child. You say she doesn’t have siblings, but she’ll have observed plenty of families that do. For someone with different experiences, they might not realise it’s something to think about. Just like I probably do things in my parenting that others think harder about, but they never cross my mind as they weren’t part of my lived experience.

The only thing I find strange is your reaction.

I can’t see how you’ve managed to twist her comment into her being controlling, however, I can see why possibly you haven’t met up for years . . . .

Have you got any DC yourself?

You havnt seen her in years, and this is what u are fixated on. Weird.

We also "in the wild" usually produce a child every 3-4 years with extended breastfeeding and reduced menstruation with a less indulgent diet.

This tracks with women's recovery too, and a high-level of attention needed for a very young child.

I've read plenty of comments on here judging others for sending their kids to nursery whilst blithely saying they had three under fives at home with them until the youngest was in school.

I was the youngest of four, and definitely didn't feel any benefits of having to "fit in" with siblings. I tend to be of the opinion that it's quite sad that so many women feel pressured to crack out two under two.

But the truth is that we just don't know enough about children, and anything we know in general about kids we certainly can't apply precisely to our own kids.

So we should shut the fuck up.

She can have any reason she wants to only want one child, she doesn't need to justify to anyone her choices. Perfectly valid reason , you are being odd.

It's one helluva reach on your behalf from I only had one because of potential jealousy issues to she doesn't want to have to deal with any negative emotions from her child.

It sounds like you've thought too much about a random comment.

It's perfectly normal for 11 year olds to be subdued when being dragged along to meet people they don't really know.

To go down the rabbit hole of her trying to control her daughters emotions is a bit of a leap. The comment could have been from a place of her thinking she didn't have enough to give 2 children.

Or very possibly, maybe she couldn't have a second and didn't want to divulge that ao just said the first thing she could think of.

There are so many reasons why someone has one or more children (or none), not all of which they want to share and which might be layered and complex. For example, maybe she had negative relationship with siblings and wants to protect her DD from that? Alongside IVF or financially thinking better to have only one child. Or mental health being not being great and being afraid might not cope with more. Or relationship shaky. Or finding pregnancy hard. Or just not wanting another child and worried people may call her selfish. You say you’re not judging but implicitly you are by posting and asking if the reason she gave is reasonable. I think you’re being a little simplistic about how people might feel about this. Her life experience, mental health etc are not the same as yours (even if superficially they may appear so).
Also just to add, I have one child of a similar age. Couldn’t have more due to fertility issues. Would have loved another child for my DD but my mental health could’ve been better over the years so sometimes I think maybe it was for the best. Cost of living is high at the moment too and we are only just managing. I worry my DD is lonely sometimes (I have siblings). Sometimes when I see sibling rivalry in other kids (on occasions quite extreme), I think I’m glad my DD doesn’t have to navigate that as it looks hard. But it’s part of a whole range of thoughts underpinned by the fact I couldn’t have another child. So allow her some grace and don’t reduce what she says as meaning she’s controlling.

Maybe she can't have another but doesn't want to go into that.

Very judgemental post. How many children your cousin has has got absolutely nothing to do with you.

I never understand why people think that they are entitled to opinions of the reproductive choices of others.

It's simply none of your business.

Then maybe she saw too much sibling rivalry among her friends and other family growing up.

I have twins and let me tell you, the rivalry and jealousy is unreal sometimes. And who’s to say it will all come up positive for them in the end or that they will be glad they have each other? Maybe they won’t and will grow up with a negative view of sibling hood.

I’m sure I’ve read research that shows that the arrival of a sibling is one of the most traumatic emotional experiences for the previously only child. I think we like to pretend that isn’t true because (a) we want another child, and (b) they do mostly get over it.

I also think parents are often in a state of denial about the complexity of the emotions between siblings, which most older siblings do learn to hide because they know which aspects are disapproved of.

Stories of sibling rivalry wouldn’t be so prevalent across cultures, if it wasn’t a basic psychological truth.

All that is to say, she’s probably thought about it more than most people do.

Maybe she has had very negative experiences with sibling jealousy. We all shape our future families in some way based on what we experienced in our families growing up. Some want a lot of children because they loved being part of a big gang, while others hated it. Some want all girls or all boys because they had a certain bond with their own brothers/sisters. Etc etc. it’s not unusual.

She can have one child for any reason she wants and it’s none of your business.

What an odd reaction to a throwaway comment.

It's true that kids without siblings don't have to deal with sibling rivalry or compete for their parents' attention in the same way that kids with siblings typically do. It's also true that kids with siblings often end up comparing themselves to their siblings and/or being compared by others. Rightly or wrongly, I imagine that's what your cousin meant that she wanted to avoid.

It's bizarre that you think this is about your cousin not wanting her child to express emotions. Only children do actually have and express lots of emotions too!

One of the negatives of having more than one child is yes, a child thinking the parent has a favourite. Thereby creating jealousy or competition. Or perhaps jealousy from something else. So turn it on its head, it's one of the positives of having an only child that this doesn't happen.

I've got an only and it's certainly one of the positives I think of.

So I don't think it's an invalid reason. But there's probably other reasons she has an only as well

One of the negatives of having more than one child is yes, a child thinking the parent has a favourite. Thereby creating jealousy or competition. Or perhaps jealousy from something else. So turn it on its head, it's one of the positives of having an only child that this doesn't happen.

I've got an only and it's certainly one of the positives I think of.

So I don't think it's an invalid reason. But there's probably other reasons she has an only as well

It is a strange comment to make and I would say that its possible that she feels she has that relationship with her own siblings and so this is how she feels is best to deal with it.

Another option could be that you were speaking about jealousy between your own children? And so this is why its rubbed you up the wrong way? As you do seem quite a bit invested in her comment. Or maybe you're just an overthinker?

It doesn't matter what her reasons are or what she says her reasons are it is entirely her own business.

Her child might have been subdued because her mum's friend was scrutinising her for signs of imperfection having over analysed and judged the hell out of a random comment from her mum...

You sound incredibly judgy wincing about people and judging someone on a throwaway comment

I think you are reading all sorts of things into one silly comment. Yes, it was a slightly odd thing to say but maybe she just said that because there are deeper more personal reasons she doesnt want to share with you seeing as you arent close.

You also cannot possibly judge that her child is unhappy because she was quiet and subdued. I was very, very shy at that age and it probably came across the same way. I was perfectly happy though.

I think you seem weirdly invested in digging deep into this person's psychology on the basis of one comment and it's not going to work. You really do have no idea what her thought process is here and you have met her once in years so of course she isnt going to open up to you, I wouldnt either if I had met you once in years.