“I don’t want any jealousy between them”. AIBU

There are a myriad of reasons I chose to be one and done. I'm sure you'd disapprove of some of them but unless you're my dh it's really none of your business

I didn't say siblings were 'necessary' I said they were preferable, in my opinion. Children may not 'need' a sibling but they'd usually always choose to have one, they'd usually dearly love one and it can be a beneficial in many ways, for the parents as well as the children.

Of course life as a singleton with two very emotionally mature and supportive parents will thrive far better than (for example) three siblings with emotionally stunted or inadequate parents, but that's not really the point. It's not a binary choice between one child with the best sort of parents versus siblings with the worst.

Would you like another? Will you try for another? In an ideal world would you have chosen two even if you have to settle for one?

If so, then in spite of your snippiness, you will take my point that one is not enough. It's better to not be an only child. Sometimes it's a lifestyle choice made by your parents, sometimes it's not and it's the result of various complicated factors - age, struggles to conceive, lack of money to support a second child, birth complications, relationship breakdown, poor health of a parent, who knows what the reasons might be?

But in my opinion, if it's a simple case of consciously choosing to have only one and stop there, then it's the wrong choice. Giving your child a sibling is preferable where possible. Obviously not every sibling relationship will be great and some people might wish their horrible adult sibling didn't exist, but on balance I bet most singletons wish they had siblings, whereas I doubt many people with siblings wish they'd never had them.

What a genuinely strange comment.

Care to tell my precious, beloved, long awaited, cherished little miracle that he is 'not enough'?

One is not enough. More than four is too many.

Two is ideal, three is fine if you can afford it. Four is an indulgence, Five or more is just stupid, selfish and irresponsible.

I don't exactly judge, but I do massively side-eye those who complain about it being difficult.

Like, having a baby, moving house, death of a relative, all notoriously stressful things, and you chose to have 2 under 2 and then complain that it's hard work?

But yeah, on an evolutionary level we didn't even really ever choose to have babies spaced by 3-4 years. Men probably had kids with other women in-between, women were less consistently fertile (periods are probably more awful for us because we have them a lot more than you would if "wild"!). Women raised children until they were semi-independent, then became fertile again.

Apart from anything else, I feel like 2y is a bad age gap for exams!

Any reason a person chooses not to have more children is a good one. You are not the arbiter of what qualifies as a ‘great one’.

ALL decisions to have (or not have) children are ultimately self centred. Your logic is a bit bizarre.

Fair enough, Op! I'd say she was just on the defensive after many years of questions.

People are nosy, aren't they?! Asking if you're thinking of having a third is a bit different though to asking someone who has one child, aged 11, why they only had one. It's a v personal question and I think these parents always have a quick answer up their sleeves ready to go in order to shut the conversation down quickly.

Maybe that isn't her true reason but she just says it because she cba to explain reasons (if there even are any)?

If it is the real reason then possibly she grew up feeling that siblings were favoured or that a parent has experienced that in their own childhood?

That won't be the only reason. Either way all reasons are good enough reasons. She only wanted one and that's all she's got. The child won't know any different.

I often think if I had siblings, especially younger ones, I'd be madly jealous of them. Having to share my mum's attention. But who knows. You just take what you're given when it comes to family.

This weighed very heavily on my mind when we had secondary infertility and I still sometimes feel I have to justify not having a standard gap!

Although if you have 2 people do ask if you are having a third!

I think she was just trying to defend her position. No one ever questions people on why they decided to have 2. Only child parents are always being asked. It's assumed that infertility or selfishness is at the root unfortunately.

Firstly yes it is controlling and she has every right to control what she does with her body.

Secondly did you ask her why only one? Is that why she felt she had to explain her own decisions to you? Because if so that is beyond rude.

I have one. I chose to have one because of my childhood. My mother pitted her three kids against each other and I did not know if that is how I would end up treating kids too if it was something inherited or not so in order to make sure I did not unknowingly do to my family what my mother did to us I chose to have just one.

Lots of people have lots of reasons for just having one and it is not up to you or anyone else to judge that and you are judging it.

Yet people are so fixated on having 2 children 2 years apart so they can be "best friends"!

I think 2 under 2 is a bit of a function of having kids very late biologically as well. But then people wonder why it's so hard unaware it's because it's not the way we were evolved to raise babies.

The idea of birth spacing or limiting children because of resources is as old as time.

Thanks so much for posting this as on days when I feel less positive do I worry a lot. Thank you again x

I don’t see why it’s any of your business. Perhaps the friend had a difficult relationship with her own sibling, or observed the effects of favouritism in another family. Or she just wants one child. There are any number of reasons, and it’s up to her, she doesn’t need your opinion.

From someone who is related to someone with a large family I can tell you, it's no joy either. The kids are always competing for attention, it's survival of the fittest for them, or who can excell the most at something they're just reasonably good at to garner their dads attention. For them to then quit as the next child has become good at something else, so they're not getting any attention anymore.
But I also have another relative who is an only child and my god selfish doesn't even cover it. And she is of of the most unhappy people I've ever met.

If she has siblings, perhaps she remembers feeling jealous when they arrived and doesn’t want the same for her DC. Either way, you’re massively overthinking something very throwaway.