Husband’s attitude towards aging

Yes, it's not good he's seeing women of his own age as SO revoltingly unattractive but he clearly does, so what do you do about it really? Expect him to lie to you, or don't ask the question, or accept that's how he feels. I agree it isn't good, it's not what you'd want him to feel and it's a depressing reflection of how the world has categorised women over 40 as somehow totally past it, but a 40 yr old man fancying a 20 year old has been normalised - no none of that is good. Equally, you can't force him to find certain people attractive. So I don't think there's an easy answer, other than maybe asking him to be a bit more sensitive/respectful when explaining how he feels. If it's literally just the face pulling and eww that upsets you, he can just stop that, but if you want him to suddenly fancy women in their 40s and 50s, I'm not sure you can really force that, unless he just lies to you, which surely isn't any better?

It’s sad but I think it’s representative of most men unfortunately. We are about ten years younger but my partner used to have Kelly Brook as a screen saver in his teens. He has also said she “looks old” now - but he wouldn’t say “eww” or something to that effect. I think she looks great!

In contrast I thought Brad Pitt and Jude Law looked great in the 90s and still do now. I don’t know if men age better or women are just more kind. Maybe it’s hardwired into men to be attracted to fertile women in their twenties whereas women can be attracted to men at all different stages of life.

@Disturbia81

I lost the quoted reply, so @'d you instead.

Bit of a case in point, don't you think? I know what you mean, but some decorum wouldn't have gone amiss.

Men's hair recedes and goes grey sooner, leading to them shaving their hair off instead of living with the classic 'Nutty Professor' look and many others to dye their hair. I'd much rather have a meaningful conversation with 'potato heads with ruddy skin and pot bellies' over a high-maintenance man with hair plugs, fake hair colour with slathered on moisturiser and fake six-pack abs.

I think you are overreacting.
Yeah he’s being a bit immature to make such comments about women’s ages, but think of it this way. There is so much more to fancying someone than their physical appearance. He fancies you (I assume?) because he loves you and your personality and you have a shared history and he knows all your little quirks. He doesn’t know these women and only has their physical appearance to go on. He’s allowed to not find them attractive.

So on 2 occasions you asked him a question and both times you received an answer you didn't like and 'called him out' on it.
Why ask the guy a question he can't give an honest answer without been 'called out'?
At least make it clear to him that when he's asked a question, the only acceptable answer is the one you approve.

I do actually think evolutionary psychology has a point here (on average). There do seem to be some differences in men and women that are pretty sticky. It’s kind of freeing tbh. Also it doesn’t mean that men never ever find women of their own age attractive. Fairly sure that DH is still madly in love with Nigella Lawson.

Same for me (apart from Hugh Grant - still would 😁 )

Poor sod.

An important caveat to that article is that, while men continue to identify 20-something women as "looking best", when asked a less superficial question about the age of women they're "most interested in" they stick much more closely to their own age range.

It's almost as if men grow up and realise looks aren't everything!

Studies show that even when women are higher earners they still prefer men to earn more than them.

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0167268114003242

Your "usual conversation between us" is very appearance based. It might have worked for you both when you were young and naively stupid but it's not going to serve either of you well going forward.

I saw this, it amazed me a but tbh, I just don’t find young men attractive. I think it’s preset, I don’t think they can help it, it is what it is. I think most men have the common sesne to not to act on it though.

Agreed. For every man who looks good in their 50s there are 10 who have aged like sour milk.
Probably the same ratio as for women.

You're missing the point that he chose you and loves you for many other reasons than just physical appearance. There's one thing to be attracted to someone purely on physical appearance and an entirely different thing to be attracted by someone you love.

It's the kind of comment lots of men would make - I honestly wouldn't take it seriously. Blokes have a very different sense of humour to women, as I've learnt over the years. Men bond by taking the pi$$ out of each other and they aren't great at switching to a more tactful, feminine way of dealing with things - that's what your girlfriends are for, even though in romantic films and novels, the hero gives amazing compliments.

43 is still very youthful, so don't let the number get to you. Keep yourself youthful by walking as much as possible and staying healthy. Vinted is great for good value clothes to keep your look fresh. There are loads of things you can do on a budget if money is an issue.

Plenty of people age well and you have many fun years ahead of you, so embrace it.

Well I dont fancy the same people I did when I was younger lol, they do look old. Female here btw.

This is such bullshit. Have you seen most older men out there!? Potato heads with ruddy skin and pot bellies. Women generally make far more effort to look after themselves.

Men and women age in different ways. Men generally become more attractive as they age, they mature like a fine wine, some women are capable of the same with decent genetics, but on the whole they aren't so lucky in that way, which, when at the mercy of the tendency for women to be highly-judgemental about their peers, is made much worse anyway.

But we don't point the finger at the judgemental women, we lash out at the 'misogynist men' instead, because they're considered the ones who set the standards for beauty (they don't and never have done).

I'm not a misandrist, so I won't engage in it, otherwise then misogyny is the counter and both are bad as each other.

I do see women letting other women down and pitting each other against one another over how they age in comparison to men. By contrast, men don't do this as they have an uncanny knack for getting along.

Your line of questioning would make any man answer the "wrong" thing. Respectfully, you asked for that. "oooh you used to fancy...!" What on earth were you hoping to achieve?

On that note, I must be the only one who thinks so many women improve with age. Yes, more wrinkles etc., but women are in general so interesting to me, especially as they age. Read, Glenn Close, Gillian Anderson, Patricia Heaton. Many more.

😂

This is what we get in a society like this: men think they are undeniable at every age and women are treated like products with expiration date. Sadly, I don't think he'll change his attitude or even think about it properly.

Based on OP's DH sure. Are women more emotionally volatile? Sure. Again OP's 'silly, fun game' with DH would suggest this.

This. Why are you doing this op? What’s driving it, it’s like you think you are unworthy so you are getting him to reinforce it. Do you enjoy drama or being at loggerheads with him?

Its a really odd way to conduct a relationship, very childish.

I'm always sceptical about how innate any of this actually is. I'm definitely stimulated visually, and so are most women I know. And I know plenty of men for whom emotional security and so on is incredibly important. The difference is what men and women are encouraged to actually say out loud from adolescence onwards. Girls aren't encouraged to objectify boys to the same extent as the reverse; boys are encouraged to objectify girls even when they consider personality more important.

I also think that women's supposedly biological attraction to "security" mostly derives from growing up in a patriarchal society in which they need security more than men. The less a woman needs a man to protect or provide for her, the less important those characteristics are for her when looking for a partner.

And in any case most humans, men and women, can be attracted to other people on different levels. OP's husband being more attracted to 20yo Kelly Brook than 40yo Kelly Brook says nothing about his attraction to OP, just like my attraction to young Ethan Hawke over old Ethan Hawke has nothing to do with my attraction to 40-something DP (or indeed my initial attraction, based entirely on looks, to 30yo DP). It's way too complex to reduce to these bitesize stereotypes.

Maybe something like “I just don’t see your friends in that way so don’t ask me things like that” or “I don’t find any of them attractive” without specifying that none of them are hot because they are all OLD . 40s isn’t old for one thing .