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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband’s attitude towards aging

416 replies

Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 05:27

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

OP posts:
NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 03/12/2025 12:32

I'm the same only with young Andy Garcia!!

TickyTacky · 03/12/2025 12:32

I think that stereotypically women & men differ. I'm 35 and my preference for men has always been for men the same age as me or older. But you hear of countless men who start new families with much younger women when they go through a midlife crisis. Men seem to panic and aim for young & fresh. Not saying that your husband is even thinking about actually doing that, but rather that his brain has defaulted to the younger woman option.

Original poster
Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 12:29

Hi evergone. Wow…. I wrote this and then left for a work shift and have only just been able to look again and there are 11 pages of replies! I’ve not read them all but appreciate them.

From the few I have read so far, it would seem IABU. I absolutely acknowledge they are silly questions to ask, I alluded to that in my OP but thanks for the many, many of you reinforcing this 😉

Its not shocking that someone would find younger people more attractive at all, what most upset me really what the face pulling and ‘eww’ comments when he was considering the women now they’re older.

Lesson learned though! Thanks all.

OP posts:
Sandalsandbreadsticks · 03/12/2025 12:29

Regardless of your questions, I think if a man made a disgusted face about the thought of having sex with women who are the same age as me, that man would not be getting anywhere near my body.

Maybe make some comments about how gross other men of his age are, see how he reacts to that.

Animatic · 03/12/2025 12:28

Would you have felt better if he answered "i find Jane really hot"? I bet yiu would have expected him to tell "oh, my darling Lolabear38, none of thrm compare to you" :))) if i were him i'd give that line btw.

HannahinHampshire · 03/12/2025 12:26

I’m a 65 year old divorced woman, in general I don’t find men of my age attractive. I’m well aware these men wouldn’t find me attractive either!

gannett · 03/12/2025 12:21

RoamingToaster · 03/12/2025 12:19

I was using the extreme ends to illustrate the point but I don't think it makes a difference. It's still not misogynistic to find someone in their 20s more attractive than someone in their 40s. I say that as someone approaching 40.

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Agree and also, finding someone in their 20s attractive doesn't mean you can't also find someone in their 40s attractive, which I would think is the norm for most people.

And finding Person A (Kelly Brook) more attractive in their 20s than their 40s, when you don't know them and only have their appearance to go on, does not mean you can't find Person B (your spouse) as attractive in their 40s as their 20s, when you are also taking an entire marriage into account.

RoamingToaster · 03/12/2025 12:21

fucit · 03/12/2025 12:09

Younger people are more attractive. That isn’t misogyny.

The misogyny comes with his face pulling/eww/disgustedness. That really is misogyny imo. He’s thinking of them not as people with a few wrinkles and life experiences, he’s thinking of them as disgusting.

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Fair point. I was responding to someone who didn't mention that but just that he was misogynistic because he found younger women attractive.

Plumnora · 03/12/2025 12:19

YANBU. And lots of comments from women who are yet to hit middle age and experience the invisibility to not just men but society as a whole simply for not being young any more....

RoamingToaster · 03/12/2025 12:19

Aluna · 03/12/2025 12:06

But they’re not 80 are they they’re early 40s.

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I was using the extreme ends to illustrate the point but I don't think it makes a difference. It's still not misogynistic to find someone in their 20s more attractive than someone in their 40s. I say that as someone approaching 40.

surprisebaby12 · 03/12/2025 12:15

Generally it’s better not to ask questions you don’t want the answers to!

gannett · 03/12/2025 12:15

InlandTaipan · 03/12/2025 12:13

Unfortunately for you, sex is exactly that. End of the day, life's just genes battling to replicate and be passed down to the next generation.

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I guess some of us have evolved beyond basic biological impulses.

(Dare I ask what you think about gay people? Child-free people?)

Moggies3 · 03/12/2025 12:14

Ask stupid questions
Get stupid answers

His eyes probably roll and then he gives you an answer that he knows is going to wind you up

Are you 13?

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/12/2025 12:13

He couldn’t win really, could he?

He's entitled to his opinions.

InlandTaipan · 03/12/2025 12:13

gannett · 03/12/2025 12:07

Couldn't disagree more really. Evolutionary psychology is something I predominantly see in the most misogynist of online spaces and it always baffles me that it's a near-religion on MN as well. It's so reductive to consider sex as the be-all and end-all in determining character.

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Unfortunately for you, sex is exactly that. End of the day, life's just genes battling to replicate and be passed down to the next generation.

ElmBeechOak · 03/12/2025 12:11

Emmz1510 · 03/12/2025 11:56

I think you are overreacting.
Yeah he’s being a bit immature to make such comments about women’s ages, but think of it this way. There is so much more to fancying someone than their physical appearance. He fancies you (I assume?) because he loves you and your personality and you have a shared history and he knows all your little quirks. He doesn’t know these women and only has their physical appearance to go on. He’s allowed to not find them attractive.

I agree.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 03/12/2025 12:11

crscrs · 03/12/2025 05:38

These questions are always going to get an answer you don’t like, that’s why I don’t ask them ! To be honest they’re questions a teenager would ask !

This. Why continually ask him about other women’s attractiveness?? It’s childish and insecure.

fucit · 03/12/2025 12:09

RoamingToaster · 03/12/2025 12:05

you've uncovered his misogyny (women are only attractive if young)

Is that misogyny? I think there are very few men who are going to find an 80 year old woman as a attractive as a 20 something. I find it bizarre to call that misogyny.

Younger people are more attractive. That isn’t misogyny.

The misogyny comes with his face pulling/eww/disgustedness. That really is misogyny imo. He’s thinking of them not as people with a few wrinkles and life experiences, he’s thinking of them as disgusting.

gannett · 03/12/2025 12:07

Bringemout · 03/12/2025 11:54

I do actually think evolutionary psychology has a point here (on average). There do seem to be some differences in men and women that are pretty sticky. It’s kind of freeing tbh. Also it doesn’t mean that men never ever find women of their own age attractive. Fairly sure that DH is still madly in love with Nigella Lawson.

Couldn't disagree more really. Evolutionary psychology is something I predominantly see in the most misogynist of online spaces and it always baffles me that it's a near-religion on MN as well. It's so reductive to consider sex as the be-all and end-all in determining character.

Aluna · 03/12/2025 12:06

RoamingToaster · 03/12/2025 12:05

you've uncovered his misogyny (women are only attractive if young)

Is that misogyny? I think there are very few men who are going to find an 80 year old woman as a attractive as a 20 something. I find it bizarre to call that misogyny.

But they’re not 80 are they they’re early 40s.

fucit · 03/12/2025 12:06

I think the problem is not simply that the women are too old in his eyes, it’s his face pulling and disgusted type reaction that’s quite odd and unacceptable

in both cases, he could have said - oh bit old now, but he didn’t - he pulled faces and was disgusted with their appearances. These are 2 really different feelings. One that aging is natural and younger people are obviously more attractive (fine) but the other is quite misogynistic and weird.

It’s no wonder women go to surgeons and get themselves cut up or injected with synthetic shite. Just because men like your DH are lacking in brain cells. Women can say they do it for themselves and not for any men, but I just can’t get on board with that - you don’t look at yourself all day - but you do deal with the responses of others towards you all day. And you feel better and more confident thinking that you are more acceptable to others.

InlandTaipan · 03/12/2025 12:05

Disturbia81 · 03/12/2025 11:39

This is such bullshit. Have you seen most older men out there!? Potato heads with ruddy skin and pot bellies. Women generally make far more effort to look after themselves.

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Yes and why is that? Perhaps because men prize a women's looks more than women prize men's. It's notable that gay men tend to take more care of themselves physically than straight ones - why would that be?

RoamingToaster · 03/12/2025 12:05

you've uncovered his misogyny (women are only attractive if young)

Is that misogyny? I think there are very few men who are going to find an 80 year old woman as a attractive as a 20 something. I find it bizarre to call that misogyny.

MO0N · 03/12/2025 12:03

I would have agreed with him, ie I would say I feel the same, I don't fancy you any of your friends either because they're all old.

gannett · 03/12/2025 12:03

Bringemout · 03/12/2025 11:52

Studies show that even when women are higher earners they still prefer men to earn more than them.

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0167268114003242

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A study (of men and women who have been raised in the social conditions I described) demonstrating a rough pattern does not mean it's an immutable biological fact.