Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s attitude towards aging

416 replies

Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 05:27

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 03/12/2025 19:55

Sadly he’s not alone

Husband’s attitude towards aging
Moggies3 · 03/12/2025 19:52

BakedBeing · 03/12/2025 19:34

Ask stupid questions
Get stupid answers…
Are you 13?

The irony.

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

MumOf4totstoteens · 03/12/2025 19:45

Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 19:26

Thanks for your response. It might be difficult for some people to believe, but no, I wasn’t looking for validation. If he replied saying something along the lines of ‘no, I only have eyes for you my love’ I would know for sure he was bs-ing me because he isn’t that kind of guy! Nor am I than kind of woman. It was literally a conversation in the first instance about my friends and the Kelly Brook one was nothing more than a passing comment as she happened to be on tv at that exact moment. Nothing more.

Show quote history

You asked for insight and you have got it. Whether you like to admit it or not these type of questions come from a place of seeking validation. I wonder if you’re worried about aging yourself. You seem quite defensive too. Just some things to think about. I’d be thinking less about him and more about YOU how are you feeling about yourself, your age, your marriage etc

BakedBeing · 03/12/2025 19:34

Moggies3 · 03/12/2025 12:14

Ask stupid questions
Get stupid answers

His eyes probably roll and then he gives you an answer that he knows is going to wind you up

Are you 13?

Ask stupid questions
Get stupid answers…
Are you 13?

The irony.

DuchessofStaffordshire · 03/12/2025 19:33

I think you should focus on improving your own self esteem. I'm not sure what answers to your questions you would be happy with.

Original poster
Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 19:26

MumOf4totstoteens · 03/12/2025 19:20

I think you sound like you have low self esteem. Does he compliment you still? Romance you? It sounds to me like your asking these questions and hoping for some validation “no I only have eyes for you my love” type of thing? Maybe a few marriage counselling sessions may help?

Thanks for your response. It might be difficult for some people to believe, but no, I wasn’t looking for validation. If he replied saying something along the lines of ‘no, I only have eyes for you my love’ I would know for sure he was bs-ing me because he isn’t that kind of guy! Nor am I than kind of woman. It was literally a conversation in the first instance about my friends and the Kelly Brook one was nothing more than a passing comment as she happened to be on tv at that exact moment. Nothing more.

OP posts:
MumOf4totstoteens · 03/12/2025 19:20

I think you sound like you have low self esteem. Does he compliment you still? Romance you? It sounds to me like your asking these questions and hoping for some validation “no I only have eyes for you my love” type of thing? Maybe a few marriage counselling sessions may help?

Original poster
Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 19:17

JustMe2026 · 03/12/2025 18:51

You ask stupid question expect an answer and take it, not sure why you keep mentioning questions like that tbh neither is jokey or funny just annoying lol

You’re entitled to your opinion, I’m sure there would be questions or topics of conversation you have in your life I would feel the same about. Also I don’t ‘keep mentioning questions like that’, it was twice. Thanks for the input though ✌🏻

OP posts:
mummybear35 · 03/12/2025 19:09

It’s not a life or death conversation so I wouldn’t put too much into it and uncertainly wouldn’t be upset. I’d give as good as you get! I’d probably reply along the lines of just as well you think they’re old because none of them would fancy an old man like you anyway! Why do you ask such juvenile questions anyway??? I say lots of things in jest to my husband and he doesn’t get upset or offended because he knows I love him and it’s just banter…I often say that if Henry Cavill knocked on the door for directions, I’m off! 😆 he laughs and says good luck to him! Life’s too short to get worked up over silly stuff like that, you’re adults not teenagers..

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 03/12/2025 19:07

Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 18:57

The difference is I would be more considered in my response. If he asked me who I found attractive amongst a group of people and I didn’t find any of them so, I’d say ‘none of them, they’re not my type’. I certainly would try and avoid the ‘eww’.

Show quote history

But you’re asking really stupid questions. Why do you get to say stupid things, but he must be considered in response?

Original poster
Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 18:57

whistlesandbells · 03/12/2025 18:52

He’s not obliged to find people attractive in any way. You shouldn’t ask these questions. Do you want to be asked if you find someone attractive and then be judged on the response?

The difference is I would be more considered in my response. If he asked me who I found attractive amongst a group of people and I didn’t find any of them so, I’d say ‘none of them, they’re not my type’. I certainly would try and avoid the ‘eww’.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 18:53

Also I’d just like to reiterate that at no point have I expressed surprise or upset that he may find younger women more attractive. Some of you have put words in my mouth about this as I haven’t mentioned younger women at all.

My upset was purely in his response to older women - the ‘eww’, the face pulling and the ‘they’re all old’. The correlation in his mind between older women and ‘eww’ is what I found most upsetting.

OP posts:
whistlesandbells · 03/12/2025 18:52

He’s not obliged to find people attractive in any way. You shouldn’t ask these questions. Do you want to be asked if you find someone attractive and then be judged on the response?

JustMe2026 · 03/12/2025 18:51

You ask stupid question expect an answer and take it, not sure why you keep mentioning questions like that tbh neither is jokey or funny just annoying lol

Original poster
Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 18:49

Libra24 · 03/12/2025 16:49

Yeah I'd be pointing out that attitude would make me feel uncomfortable and how it relates to me. Saying he fancies someone x yz is one thing, saying eww they are old now is another. I think that's what is upsetting to OP and not the fact he finds younger women attractive. I think the obvious surprise of him having views she didn't expect is bound to be disappointing.
Do I expect my husband to openly drool over younger women? Absolutely not. Am I going to ask ? Absolutely not. Do I expect him to make me feel valued and attractive to him? Absolutely I do.
He's just ignored her feelings completely and waded into territory that's exposed him. OP is right to be upset.
If he used to fancy Kelly brook, he could have said yeah I did!
He didn't need to express distaste at her current physical appearance. End of

Thank you - this explains exactly how I felt.

In view of how many think IABU I’m fully prepared to evaluate my feelings and think about my response and how I could have acted differently. However I also think he could think about how he could have answered ‘better’ - e.g ‘I don’t find any of them attractive, they’re not my type’ covers is way better than ‘eww… none of them, they’re all old’.

OP posts:
StrikeForever · 03/12/2025 18:47

To those giving arsey replies to the OP, it’s all well and fine finding younger women “more attractive”, but the husband was saying ‘older women’ in their 40s FFS are do unattractive as to need a cringing face and ewww, in his reply. I don’t think most men have this view.

You are not being unreasonable to feel upset by this OP. Of course you are going to wonder how he sees you. You can’t change what he thinks though, so you’ll need to let it go 💐

Original poster
Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 18:42

Usernamenotav · 03/12/2025 16:52

You just can't police what other people find attractive. Fact of life that men aren't going to fancy older women the same way they fancy younger ones.
Don't ask these questions if you don't want honest answers.

I think you’ve misunderstood what I’m saying here. If I’d asked if he found a younger or older woman more attractive, and was upset when he chose someone younger, then you would have a point. But I didn’t and was in no way ‘policing’ who he finds attractive.

My issue was the way he reacted when discussing older women - if he’d have even said ‘they’re not my type’ it would have been totally fine and reasonable. But he didn’t - he said ‘eww… they’re all old’ which I found disrespectful - the correlation between the ‘eww’ and them being older.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 18:32

FlashyAndShiny · 03/12/2025 16:46

Play stupid games, get stupid prizes.
It is your fault, OP. He is just answering honestly the questions you are throwing. You don't have to agree with his views, but he is entitled to them.
It is good that you have at least realised you were being stupid, as you stated in your first post.

I wasn’t ’being stupid’, I asked a stupid question, which I acknowledged in my first post. Geez, MN is a hotbed of self righteousness sometimes.

OP posts:
PeepDan · 03/12/2025 18:20

Kubricklayer · 03/12/2025 10:54

Except it's not a fantasy theory that men and women are generally stimulated in different ways. Men are more visually attracted to others, while women respond more strongly to auditory, touch, and emotional stimuli etc, This is backed by scientific data which is a more credible source than your opinion of it being a fantasy theory.

Edited
Show quote history

It's a matter of degree, though, not an absolute difference. You only have to read back through this thread - dozens of women pointing out to OP that [insert name of male celebrity here] is clearly hotter at 28 than 58 and perceiving this doesn't require being so deluded as to think you'd have a shot, etc.

The general rule, per the data, is that female sexual preference in male age shifts more with age than male sexual preference in female age does, but that at around 30 it shifts from "own age up to a few years years older" to "own age down to a few years younger". The women that find Lee Mack more attractive in his current form than years and years ago are statistically likely to be women around Lee Mack's age or a touch older, not 25 year olds.

Breakitinto3 · 03/12/2025 17:49

Pigeonpoodle · 03/12/2025 13:12

It’s a biological fact that younger women are most sexually attractive judging on appearance alone. That fact doesn’t make men “misogynistic”, it’s just nature.

Men are no more misogynistic for being attracted to young women than a straight person is homophobic for not fancying someone of their own sex!

Show quote history

I menat more rating which woman of same age is more attractive as op mentioned

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/12/2025 17:37

I found Kelly Brook incredibly annoying on I’m a Celebrity. Maybe that had an influence on your DH too…

kerstina · 03/12/2025 17:19

Of course younger people are at their peek beauty wise but I don’t think it’s fair to say people are not attractive as they age . Some even look better if they have a different hairstyle or change weight etc. Some people age better than others. I am not attracted to the older Mark Owen like I was in Back for good days but Ben Fogle and Simon Reeves look as good as they ever did in my opinion . Kelly Brook I still think is really pretty and very bubbly attractive personality. She has a beautiful ( younger ?) husband too.

Doone22 · 03/12/2025 16:57

Unless he's made the same complaint about you I wouldn't think any more on it

Usernamenotav · 03/12/2025 16:52

You just can't police what other people find attractive. Fact of life that men aren't going to fancy older women the same way they fancy younger ones.
Don't ask these questions if you don't want honest answers.

Libra24 · 03/12/2025 16:49

Yeah I'd be pointing out that attitude would make me feel uncomfortable and how it relates to me. Saying he fancies someone x yz is one thing, saying eww they are old now is another. I think that's what is upsetting to OP and not the fact he finds younger women attractive. I think the obvious surprise of him having views she didn't expect is bound to be disappointing.
Do I expect my husband to openly drool over younger women? Absolutely not. Am I going to ask ? Absolutely not. Do I expect him to make me feel valued and attractive to him? Absolutely I do.
He's just ignored her feelings completely and waded into territory that's exposed him. OP is right to be upset.
If he used to fancy Kelly brook, he could have said yeah I did!
He didn't need to express distaste at her current physical appearance. End of

Swipe left for the next trending thread