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Original poster

Husband’s attitude towards aging

416 replies

Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 05:27

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

OP posts:
Ludinous · 03/12/2025 07:38

Personally I'm not sure what you were expecting. Your asking him a hypothetical fantasy question. Getting old is a part of life and I'm sure he still loves you and finds you attractive but when asked about our preference wouldn't we all wish to be a bit younger?

gannett · 03/12/2025 07:33

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 03/12/2025 06:53

I’d lightheartedly call attention to his grim ‘programming’ by commenting on ridiculous men who chase younger women, pervy old men drooling over teenagers, sad old men who search terms like ‘barely legal’. Take every opportunity to scorn them.
Hopefully he’ll interrogate his own attitudes.

This is "lighthearted" in the same way as the OP's questions were not loaded.

IcedPurple · 03/12/2025 07:31

Alexadidzammomarryjackie · 03/12/2025 05:44

Given the fact you are using every time he opens his mouth as a lecture learning opportunity, maybe he's now over egging it just to piss you off.

ETA - i am in my 50s. I would far rather a night of cocktails and dancing sex with young Antonio Banderas than old Antonio Banderas. That's not me hating men, or old people, or pretending I'm young.

Edited

Same.

Like you, I am in my 50s and the men I find physically attractive tend to be decades younger than me. I of course am under no illusions that those men would find me attractive!

Younger people, male and female, are hotter than older people. That's just how it is. Acknowleding that does not mean you hate the opposite gender or don't found your partner attractive. Having said that, if I were to compare men and women in this respect, I would say that, stereotypes aside, women tend to age much better than men.

Eenameenadeeka · 03/12/2025 07:31

I'm struggling to see any way that you saw either of those conversations going positively to be honest. Odd questions for you to ask him

gannett · 03/12/2025 07:31

I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us

Really not loaded? REALLY?! So the correct answers would have been what, exactly? "I fancy Sandra the most out of all your friends" and "yes, I still like to ogle Kelly Brook"? Those would have gone down well?

His answers were disrespectful because there isn't actually a respectful way to answer questions about superficial attraction. You literally asked him to objectify women, and he did.

If I was asked which of DP's male friends was most attractive, my honest response would also be "none of them are aging very well, even the ones who were attractive 10 years ago". (DP himself is genuinely an exception.)

I also had a huge crush on Ethan Hawke as a teenager; I saw a picture of him now the other day and while he is aging well, I don't think I'd hesitate to choose Young Ethan Hawke over Old Ethan Hawke.

These are not thoughts I'd say out loud to DP (or anyone really) but they don't mean that I'm in denial about my own aging.

theonlyonestillawake · 03/12/2025 07:28

What answer did you want to hear?!

Q1) I think your best friend Suzy is fit, but not as sexy as your sister
Q2) yeah I used to fancy Kelly Brook. I still have a copy of Loaded magazine under the mattress

You asked a question, he answered. I just wouldn't have gone there. He would have been in the wrong whatever

Lastfroginthebox · 03/12/2025 07:28

Bringemout · 03/12/2025 06:07

I think people just associate youth with beauty if they are being honest (men more so than women). I don’t think it’s fair to berate him for being honest though. I doubt Dh finds me as attractive as he did when we first met.

Edited

I agree. But don't you think we look at our long term partners in a slightly different way? Objectively, they are not as superficially beautiful as they once were but when we look at them, we see beyond the lines and sags and grey hairs - hopefully to someone who's lovely on the inside! So your DH would still find you attractive anyway.

Howtogetthrough · 03/12/2025 07:22

Huuny · 03/12/2025 07:17

I disagree. Not everyone has to be a dick. There are loads of outcomes that could have been just fine

Show quote history

Really?
Please give examples .

SaySomethingMan · 03/12/2025 07:18

Tbh in asking those questions, he probably gave you the best answer.

Imagine him picking out one of your friends as the most attractive. Yikes.
Why ask such silly questions? They must not have come out of the blue. Maybe he’s sick of them. I would be.

Huuny · 03/12/2025 07:17

Howtogetthrough · 03/12/2025 05:34

There was never going to be a good outcome from asking ridiculous questions like those.

I disagree. Not everyone has to be a dick. There are loads of outcomes that could have been just fine

Pigeonpoodle · 03/12/2025 07:16

BatshitCrazyWoman · 03/12/2025 05:42

These women are pretty much the same age as him. What a twat he is.

I agree that those questions are best not asked, but it does mean you've uncovered his misogyny (women are only attractive if young). I'd be pointing out his 'oldness', too.

A man isn’t misogynistic for finding younger women more physically attractive. It’s simple biology - of course a younger woman is going to be more attractive on a primal sexual level!

However, he was a twat for being so insensitive about it.

TeachesOfPeaches · 03/12/2025 07:15

I think most middle aged men look awful also

Sneezo · 03/12/2025 07:15
  1. Stop asking your husband stupid questions.
  2. He’s presumably answering them in an abstract way- in an imaginary perfect world his ideal woman would be X (and he’s probably also 25 again in this imaginary world). There is no read-across to how he feels about you in the real world. Yes he’s a slow learner to have been tactless twice but you’re also a slow learner to keep asking the same daft questions, so you are well suited.
Blinky21 · 03/12/2025 07:11

You both sound quite immature so I'd try and avoid this kind of conversation

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/12/2025 07:10

Howtogetthrough · 03/12/2025 05:34

There was never going to be a good outcome from asking ridiculous questions like those.

Quite.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 03/12/2025 07:07

Yabu to keep asking him these questions.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 03/12/2025 07:06

Disturbia81 · 03/12/2025 07:02

He’s grim. A proper man sees the attractiveness of aging. And thankfully in my mid 40s it’s been true for me. I’ve never had so much attention. These youth seekers can be avoided.
Is he saying he’s not attractive any more then!?

Exactly. The NUMBER of young men that chase cougars. Not myself I hasten to add, but I have friends who are ordinary single women beating off significantly younger men with a stick! While ageing gits like the OP's husbands are sitting in judgement.

EleanorReally · 03/12/2025 07:06

he sounds an absolute fool
i wouldnt take his opinion seriously

RealEagle · 03/12/2025 07:05

If he had answered your stupid questions ,you would likely be on here saying my husband finds my friend attractive,also fancy’s kelly brook . He can’t win either way .

Slightyamusedandsilly · 03/12/2025 07:04

BatshitCrazyWoman · 03/12/2025 05:42

These women are pretty much the same age as him. What a twat he is.

I agree that those questions are best not asked, but it does mean you've uncovered his misogyny (women are only attractive if young). I'd be pointing out his 'oldness', too.

Yeah, drop in little comments about crows feet, hair thinning, spare tyre round his middle, wrinkles, greying hair.

The arrogance of men never fails to shock me. I should know better. But still...

Expecting female perfection while looking like troglodytes themselves.

Pricelessadvice · 03/12/2025 07:04

Men are designed to be attracted to the most fertile age group of women. It’s literally in their genetic make up.
Best not to go there.

Disturbia81 · 03/12/2025 07:02

He’s grim. A proper man sees the attractiveness of aging. And thankfully in my mid 40s it’s been true for me. I’ve never had so much attention. These youth seekers can be avoided.
Is he saying he’s not attractive any more then!?

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 03/12/2025 07:01

The fact that the OP asked two questions around attractiveness and who her DH fancies - bit immature as a pp said - makes me wonder if this is something they do fairly often, in which case I don’t blame the DH for giving blunt or tactless answers. Silly leading questions ask for trouble, simple as that.

Magsbd · 03/12/2025 06:59

He sounds very immature. There are lots of attractive women and men over 40.

iSage · 03/12/2025 06:59

Well, I'm in my 50s and sometimes see much younger men and think 'fwoah!' but I wouldn't start talking about it to my husband, who's in his 60s. If he asked me, I suppose I would admit I found them attractive, but comparison doesn't really come into the equation. Some 25 year old adonis is never going to be a suitable partner for me on any level. I didn't marry my husband for his looks.

Objectively, he probably was more attractive 22 years ago when we met, and so was I, but that's hardly breaking news.

I think OP needs to stop having this kind of futile conversation with her husband. If there are issues in the marriage generally, pinning them on this issue isn't going to help.

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