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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband’s attitude towards aging

416 replies

Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 05:27

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

OP posts:
Dgll · 03/12/2025 08:09

It is biology. Doesn't matter how much you call them out on it, most men are are attracted to women who are at their most fertile.

EdithBond · 03/12/2025 08:08

gannett · 03/12/2025 08:02

Seeing someone talk on TV doesn't mean you know their personality at all. Thinking you know someone because you've watched them on telly is how weird parasocial relationships start.

Show quote history

You’ve misunderstood me. It’s not that deep. Of course he doesn’t know her.

ComfortFoodCafe · 03/12/2025 08:08

Lets be honest here, he couldn’t get it right whatever way he answered could he? Toxic question to begin with.

MySweetGeorgina · 03/12/2025 08:08

Also you set out to trap him with that question about your friends

i mean, what could have been an acceptable answer?

”none attract me they are too old for me” (yuck who dies he think he is, Leonardo di Caprio?!)

”they are all equally attractive, I fancy them all” (yuck, what the heck)

”I really fancy Cathy, she has the sexiest figure” (divorce!)

the only correct answer was fir him to lie and say “you are the most beautiful woman in the world and I have never seen an attractive woman anywhere ever since I met you”

my best friend once asked her husband this question, and he said he found me attractive. He only said that as he thought it would be the least upsetting answer to her, as I am ordinary looking and no flirt, and no danger…. He was wrong! 25 years on she still is not over this entirely and when she gets drunk she says she just does not get it as I’m not even sexy 😁😁😁

InlandTaipan · 03/12/2025 08:07

YAB totally U. If my dh had asked me the same question about his friends (which is honestly weird as fuck anyway) I'd have given the same response- they're old me. Obviously dh is too but I love him so I do t "see" the change in the same way.

Can't believe he apologised to you tbh, you should apologise to him.

NoisyViewer · 03/12/2025 08:05

If my husband says comments like this I usually retort ok Brad Pitt. I actually don’t think anything more about it. In fact I might be a little guilty of this myself. Not in a bad way, watching stranger things with my kids the other night & seeing Sarah Connor (terminater) & double taking at how much she’s aged. Again nothing against that before I’m attacked, she’s still beautiful. It’s just a visual shock & a reminder that I to am getting older

rwalker · 03/12/2025 08:05

It’s completely hypocritical tbh i think your setting him up for a fall

no doubt he would be in trouble however he answered

Topseyt123 · 03/12/2025 08:03

Silly (and loaded) questions got the answers they deserved.

Stop asking such questions. It puts you both in sticky situations and can never end well.

Chiseltip · 03/12/2025 08:03

MrsPrendergast · 03/12/2025 06:29

I agree with this. I do think (most/many) older men (over 45) prefer young/er women (16 to 28) and most wouldn't admit it

I also think many men have an overinflated opinion of themselves, no matter what the mirror and scales tell them

Show quote history

Very toxic response, to an even more toxic post.

gannett · 03/12/2025 08:02

EdithBond · 03/12/2025 07:58

Because he hears her talk? She was a tv presenter as well as a model.

IMHO her personality is actually is a big part of what makes her attractive: bubbly, fun, down-to-earth. If she was a conceited, spiteful, morose person, who barely cracked a smile, surely she wouldn’t be half as attractive?

Show quote history

Seeing someone talk on TV doesn't mean you know their personality at all. Thinking you know someone because you've watched them on telly is how weird parasocial relationships start.

MySweetGeorgina · 03/12/2025 08:02

Your conversation skills need an update OP 😁

has he said he no longer finds you attractive?

echt · 03/12/2025 08:00

Serves you right for asking, OP.

As an attitude adjuster, if you dropped off the hooks, your DH, if not a positive Gorgon (even then) would not be short of women showing interest.

Reification · 03/12/2025 08:00

Although the eww thing was unpleasant and unnecessary, I completely and utterly agree with the people saying that it's better not to go there. Honestly you've told your husband off for admitting he doesn't fancy your friends - that is incredibly strange! The whole set-up of asking those questions is really a lose- lose situation.

On the subject of age - I'm a decade older than you and I can't think of a man I'd be attracted to the same way I used to feel crazy chemistry with men my age when I was in my early 20s say.

Nowadays I don't feel attracted to a man if I didn't actually know him well as a person - ordinary men in their 50s just aren't attractive unless you know them and are attracted to them as people. That doesn't mean I'm attracted to young men - that's icky in a different way and I find age gap relationships a bit stomach turning because there's always disturbing power asymmetry - but I don't "fancy" my husband's friends or TV personalities. I'm hardly surprised that works both ways.

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 03/12/2025 07:59

If im completely honest when i see people that i know who ive not seen for a while it often shocks me how they seem to have aged suddenly. I often forget they are the same age as me but im sharply reminded when i look in the mirror 🙄

EdithBond · 03/12/2025 07:58

gannett · 03/12/2025 07:51

Plus, he’s probably considered pure sexual attraction, rather than a broader view of attractiveness, e.g. personality.

If someone asked me what celebrities I find attractive of course that question is only going to take into account pure superficial appearance, not personality. He doesn't know Kelly Brook so why would he take her personality into account, if asked that question?

Because he hears her talk? She was a tv presenter as well as a model.

IMHO her personality is actually is a big part of what makes her attractive: bubbly, fun, down-to-earth. If she was a conceited, spiteful, morose person, who barely cracked a smile, surely she wouldn’t be half as attractive?

Chiseltip · 03/12/2025 07:58

Lolabear38 · 03/12/2025 05:27

I’m 43, DH 41 and we’ve been together 15 years with 2 kids. We both keep in shape but obviously we both look our ages.

A couple of weeks ago, during a jokey conversation with my husband I asked him which of my friends he thought was most attractive (yes in hindsight a stupid question, not the point). He thought for a moment and answered ‘none of them really, they’re all old now’. They’re the same age as me! I called him out on it and reminded him of that, said his attitude was horrible and I found it disrespectful. He apologised.

Tonight, watching I’m a Celeb, I said something like ‘ooh you used to fancy Kelly Brook, didn’t you?’ (I promise neither question was loaded in any way, just casual and typical of a usual conversation between us) and he pulled a face and said ‘yeah, but eww she’s really old these days so not any more’.

I again told him he was being really rude - while yes, all the women in question are getting older - they’re all similar ages to me and it made me feel a bit shitty to think he might think of me like that too. I told him it was demeaning, hurtful and particularly disrespectful considering I’d called him out on comments like this so recently.

AIBU to be this upset? It’s not just the comments, but the face pulling and ‘eww’ when thinking about their ages. I told him clearly what I thought and he initially said ‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’. Yep, ok, fair point, but it’s the fact he obviously does think like this that is making me so sad/ angry.

I also reminded him he isn’t 25 any more and not getting any younger himself. We’ve left it with him apologising and saying ‘there’s nothing else I can do now’. I’ve told him to think about his shitty attitude and have some more respect.

You're being mean and cruel, and setting him up. You are asking questions that you know he is uncomfortable with. And then deciding to feel offended when answers.

Why would you be so mean and disrespectful to your DH?

goshness · 03/12/2025 07:57

We don’t always have to ‘call people out’ when they say something we don’t like.

When asked which of your friends he found most attractive, the answer he gave was probably the safest one he could give! After all if he’d named a specific friend, you’d probably have been really upset about that too.

As for people on the TV, when I was a teenager I was ‘madly in love’ with several of the Brat Pack, Andrew McCarthy, Rob Lowe etc. Looking at them now, yes, they’re ‘old’ (as am I!) and all the silly teenage crush stuff has long since worn off. There’s nothing wrong with thinking or saying that and I’m not sure how that reflects on you?

Unless your DH has form for being a rampant misogynist, he’s allowed to have an opinion on people he doesn’t fancy. But in general, if you don’t want to know the answer to a question, best to not ask it.

gannett · 03/12/2025 07:51

Plus, he’s probably considered pure sexual attraction, rather than a broader view of attractiveness, e.g. personality.

If someone asked me what celebrities I find attractive of course that question is only going to take into account pure superficial appearance, not personality. He doesn't know Kelly Brook so why would he take her personality into account, if asked that question?

3luckystars · 03/12/2025 07:48

Men and women are just different. Don’t try and get into ‘fun’ conversations like this with them. They are just different than women. In MANY ways.

EdithBond · 03/12/2025 07:46

He certainly doesn’t sound the most charming or tactful of men.

But how did you expect him to answer a question about which of your friends is most attractive? “They’re all beautiful in their own ways, though not as beautiful as you”?

If you ask a direct question, you should expect a direct answer. Perhaps he thought he was being tactful, rather than saying: “Maria is by far the most attractive of your friends.” Would you have preferred that?

Unless you’re worried he’s no longer into you, or tempted by younger women, I wouldn’t read too much into it. He’s been socially conditioned to find younger women attractive, as we all have (from childhood fairy tales to advertising), and clearly hasn’t thought too deeply about that/challenged himself on it. Plus, he’s probably considered pure sexual attraction, rather than a broader view of attractiveness, e.g. personality.

If he actually thought about it, there are probably plenty of women over 40 he finds attractive. Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé, Natalie Portman???

Alittlefrustrated · 03/12/2025 07:42

MaggieBsBoat · 03/12/2025 06:00

I agree with pps that questions like that are never going to get an answer you like. They’ll either be lies or painful.
The point is he thinks younger women are more attractive and he doesn’t find aging women attractive Many don’t I guess. It’s just what it is. Most of the famous men I think look ok, also looked better young.
The real problem is how it reflects on how he looks at you, which no matter what he says, you’ll now know to be negative, as you’ve gotten older. The only way to balance this is to remind him (even if it’s not true) that he’s not as attractive to you now he’s older. Ok it’s juvenile (irony! Like the questions in the first place) but that’s what I’d be tempted to do.

He hasn't made any negative comment tiwards you OP. He has a relationship with you and presumably loves you - that affects attraction too.
It would be very inappropriate to start making negative comments about him, unless he does so about you, or starts spontaneously criticising other women (rather than you asking his opinion).
Surely there are older male celebs who you think have deteriorated in terms of physical appeal, and think "no thanks, nit anymore". Might even share that opinion with friends?

TeatimeForTheSoul · 03/12/2025 07:41

Can you have a curious factual conversation with him? By that I mean gently explore examples of who he finds attractive and work out their ages. Then … related that back to family members who he cares for and, for example, ask if someone X (his age, eg a fiend)) should be pursuing someone them and if that feels right, and what he’d say to that person, would he encourage it.
Sometimes bringing and imaginary situation back to reality can make someone aware of more accurate feelings and judgements.

Raggededges · 03/12/2025 07:39

You asked your partner which one of your friends he found most attractive?! Were you looking for an argument? I can't think why you would ask that, sounds like something a teenager would ask their boyfriend.
He gave a very diplomatic answer I think. Would you have preferred he actually named one of your friends? How would you feel now if he had?

gannett · 03/12/2025 07:38

I googled Kelly Brook and she looks fine, though I also realised I can't actually remember what she looked like 20 years ago anyway. She's married to Jeremy Parisi? Lucky woman.

There's a celebrity who actually goes by "AngryGinge"? FFS.

timenotime · 03/12/2025 07:38

I have a male friend who was worried he wouldn’t be attracted to his wife as they aged but has found the age of women he is attracted to has grown with him.

i have found the same. In mid life I am attracted to men my age, not younger men.

So not all mid life men or women are attracted to much younger people.

Having said that, why on earth would you have asked your H which of your friends he found most attractive?! Would an answer of ‘Mary. I’d do her any time’ honestly have been better than him saying ‘none of them because of their age’.

The phrase ‘play stupid games, win stupid prizes’ comes to mind.