Husband’s attitude towards aging

It’s a very immature question to ask and it was never going to end well!
if he’d said one of your friends you’d have had a face on! He was in a lose, lose position. 🤷‍♀️
Do you fancy his friends? Middle aged dad bod or beer belly, hair everywhere but his head? greying skin and hair? Does this do it for you? Or would you prefer a younger model if given the chance?

Don't ask these questions honestly. Youth is generally more attractive, doesn't mean he's looking at you with repulsion. Hopefully he knows you and likes you, has spend a big part of his life with you, is emotionally connected to you. These women aren't anything to him. Agree his answers were pretty stupid but so we're the questions.

At some point in a relationship you both have to realise that you aren't as attractive as you once were but it's irrelevant. The reality is, in a long term relationship, you will both age and be less physically attractive but who cares, you've built a life together, you've supported each other, you are worth a lot to each other.

There is no right answer to this. Poor man.

Why on earth do you keep asking stupid, goady questions to him? Don't pretend you’re not because you are. Never in my life have I asked someone which one of my friends they find the most attractive!

If it's so obvious to you please give examples as to how OP's H should have responded that would constitute a good outcome.
It's not obvious to me.

Tbf op I'm 44 my husband is 47 and we grow old together, married 18 years 3 sons. However if we were to split up I don't think I would find a man my age attractive. I've seen men apparently my age and they look old.. like 20 years older I've even seen men in their 30s who look older than me. I had a crush on a man local my husband knew we joke about it who I found out was 52 but he dies his beard black and would probably look significantly different if he didn't.

And funny also.

I agree with you.

You brought up the conversation, pressed him for answers, then didn't like his response. It was never going to end well. If he'd said they were all gorgeous and he fancied Kelly Brook that would've been wrong too.

I've been married for many years, some conversations we've never had, such as who fancies who, finer details of previous relationships etc. it's not helpful.

I wouldn’t be asking questions like that in the first place about friends but I agree with you it’s just a bit gross and disrespectful for him to say that considering you are the same age. I mean , obviously most men find younger women more attractive physically but no one would be dating after 40 if it was the case that everyone found people that age “eww “ and “old” . I for one would have no interest in dating men in their 20s regardless of looks due to being at a different life stage etc. And I’d say there are vast amounts of men who wouldn’t turn Kelly brook down…the stupid and immature attitude from him would give me the ick big time.

Yeah, the questions are really odd, and loaded.

TBH I don’t really understand why you’d ask such questions in the first place.

Poor guy was caught between a rock and a hard place. He wasn’t going to win whichever way he answered. Why would you ask such questions anyway?

OP: reduce these women that I care about and this celebrity on TV down to their looks and nothing else

OP's husband: reduces women to their looks

OP: you disrespectful pig. Show some fucking respect. So you think you're perfect do you???!!!!

Of what? How not to be a dick? Do you really need help there?

If you really can't see any way this sort of conversation could be had in a playful, non-serious way then... well, I dunno. Everyone's different I guess.

He's not a child getting lessons in kindness FFS. I would laugh if another adult tried this with me.

Because everything men do and think is disgusting and perverted and everything women do and think is normal and fine.

I'm sure he'd shove Kelly Brook right out of bed, yes indeed.

How would you have reacted if he said he still found Kelly Brook attractive, or one of your friends attractive? Maybe this is why he answered the way he did. I am usually the first to say LTB with little provocation, but maybe in this case he was dealing with a tricky situation the best he could.

Secondly is this idea that it’s ‘natural’ for men to be attracted to younger women. Is it? Or is it misogny and male entitlement that makes them entirely arrogant in the assumption that they’d be worthy or eligible.

Neither? It's not that deep. A 40- or 50-something finding a 28-year-old attractive does not mean they assume they're eligible.

Misogyny would be a middle-aged man volunteering all the information about who he fancied and who he found old without being asked. That would be male entitlement. In this case, he was simply replying to a question.

There are two issues here.

Firstly all the insecure questioning about who he fancies. Then when he answers honestly you go in a strop. Have some self respect and stop doing the pick me dance. Stop giving him this power. You are enough. If he’s a knuckle dragging dullard who doesn’t value you as you are, then you chose the wrong person.

Secondly is this idea that it’s ‘natural’ for men to be attracted to younger women. Is it? Or is it misogny and male entitlement that makes them entirely arrogant in the assumption that they’d be worthy or eligible.

You're asking him about fantasies, not who he would see himself married too. Who of your mates would he fantasise over if he could, or who he got his jollies to looking at FHM when he was 16. That's a very different question to who he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with. Of course if he's asked about who he'd like to shag in a fantasy that will be different.

He's right, don't ask questions you don't want the answer to, very very silly and dangerous to ask your husband which of your mates he would like to shag! I think that possibly a lot of this is your own insecurities about aging and feeling less attractive. Which I totally understand and can see why you're a bit taken aback.

However, did he at least reassure you that he finds you attractive, or does he generally in life compliment you or show you in other ways he's still very much attracted to you?

I think this is what I was trying to say.

Personally, from my late teens until my 30s I think the age I found most attractive in a man in a theoretical, from a distance, don't know him as a person way was 28. It's definitely not true that I always found "older" men attractive, I think late 20s was the sweet spot 😝

Now I'm menopausal I really don't have that kind of chemical lust going on for strangers at all, but if I did it definitely wouldn't be for older than me men! I lost a lot of weight five years ago (late 40s) and suddenly got male attention from strangers again after being fat for a decade, but it was male attention from men in their 50s and turned my stomach even when they were objectively physically fit (in the sense of looking as though they were healthy and exercised) because I do think you have to know someone well to become attracted to them as you get older, and when they are older.

That goes for both sexes (and if it comes down to fertility then obviously there's only an actual cut off for women, but men are also less fertile and more likely to father children with chromosomal disorders as they age).

I'm mid 50s and can honestly say that I don't find many real men of my age to be very physically attractive. Clearly most don't look like Brad Pitt / George Clooney, Jon Hamm who are all fine looking but not to be found in my neck of the woods. I can completely understand that men might feel the same about women of my age too.

@Lolabear38 you put your DH on the spot and he replied honestly, although not very tactfully. Perhaps as you and your DH get older you might find that there are more to people than their looks to be attracted too?

I think it’s okay to think people are more attractive when younger - that’s kind of the point, biologically. David Tennant was the absolute love of my life as a teenager, I thought he was the most handsome man in the world. 20 years on, I wouldn’t give you a thank you for him - he’s aged much too much and looks his age, and that’s okay!! He is older! I just don’t fancy him anymore. I don’t think your husband said anything wrong.

I wouldn't have asked those questions tbh but you did and he seems to have thoughts about ageing 🙂 but I think most people's internal image of themselves is more youthful than they actually are. I'm a lot older than you, occasionally I catch a glimpse of myself in a shop window and think who is that old lady then realise it's me. I think Cilla Black used to say she never looked at her face in the mirror before 11am to give it time to rearrange itself. I'm with Cilla.