Husband’s attitude towards aging

OK, what is a playful and non-upsetting answer to these absurd questions then?

Because I wouldn't get an upsetting answer, I'd expect to get a playful one? DH is a kind and gentle person, why on earth would he say something he knew would upset me?

I have a male friend who was worried he wouldn’t be attracted to his wife as they aged but has found the age of women he is attracted to has grown with him.

DH has said the same when we have talked about these things.
But, OP - yoiu set him up to fail!
Do yoiu normally play games like this with him?
Asking which friends he finds most attractive is a big pitfall.

What on earth is playful about those questions?

If you're in a playful mood why would you ask a question with a potentially upsetting answer?

Why? I don't go around asking those questions habitually, it's true but if I was in a playful mood I might. Depends how it came up! But I definitely wouldn't expect to get the sort of reply OP has. Certainly not twice after I had said how much the first time upset me.

I mean, come on, lets face it, a young Jon Bon Jovi is definitely more shaggable than how he is now (not that I would turn down either) 😜But I don't think its uncommon to stop finding someone as attractive as they age. The majority of us are more attractive when they were younger.

But I agree with others, it's like you are asking him questions setting him up to fail. Then telling him off and reprimanding him like he is a child when he doesn't answer the way you want him to. Would you rather he lie? (Which I assume not as its a massive MN no no!)

Stop asking stupid questions then there is no issue is there?

My husbands answers to these questions I wouldn't ask because it's just absolutely not our style of conversation or interest at all. Would be none of your friends I find you most attractive I'm with you . Yes Kelly Brooke is an attractive woman I can see why her partner is attracted to her but I don't know her personally, also I'm with you and I choose you. He would be most concerned I was asking these questions and wondered if I was feeling a little unloved or uncherished in which he would take no time at all to re assure me and check in with me.

If you'd asked him at 18 he would of given a stock response of what men "should say" because of learnt behaviour not what he really thought. He has matured and would have nothing in common would a woman much younger for a longterm partner. He finds qualities not just looks attractive from both genders and ages.

Not all men are immature oafs. Lots absolutely are but they are capable if they want to be to mature and I suspect many have never really gave much thought to why they think the way they do and haven't been challenged because "thats just men"

I think you’re overreacting. Lately I often see actors in movies that I used to have a huge crush on when i was a teen. I have often thought “wow he did not age well” or “wow hes old now”
Im older too of course and so is DH. Doesnt mean i find him unattractive 🤷🏻‍♀️

But in most relationships people wouldn't ask these questions in the first place.

He'd have to lie and pick OPs ugliest friend though as if he picks the actual attractive ones then OP is going to only focus on the things about them that she isn't. So can't pick a skinnier one, one with bigger tits, smaller/bigger bum depending on preference, one who looks younger. No matter what it the in "your disgusting and I can't believe you're saying I'm not attractive because of X"

It's weird to give hypothetical answers in conversations you weren't in to strangers on the internet who are so combative they'll shoot down anything you have to say. So thanks for the invite but I'm afraid you'll have to just trust that there are relationships out there where people aren't afraid of getting a shitty response from their partner.

I'd struggle greatly with this.
I wouldn't blame him for what he found attractive, we can't help that. I'd also be glad to know his thoughts, as unnecessary as his comments were, I'd appreciate knowing where I stood.
However, I really wouldn't want to be stuck in a marriage to a man who would find me progressively less attractive as the years went by. Certainly not at 40, with half my life left to live and the very real possibility of finding a partner who did find me desirable.
I'd not hold back in making this clear to him either.
I'd also suspect there may be something rather deliberate in him taking the opportunity to tell you he didn't find women your age attractive. No one with an ounce of sensitivity would do that, so I'd suspect a deliberate attempt to make you believe you were unattractive as power play.
If this is the case, calling his bluff, by tellling him you don't want to be with a man who finds you unattractive can be an effective way of putting a stop to his game and prompting a swift back peddle.

‘well don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to’

DH’s comment nails it. You’re being ridiculous, let it go.

You're kind of contradicting yourself here. Saying why can't you be silly with your partner and then being hurt by someone screwing their face up and saying 'they're old'. Yes, immature response but fairly mild in the grand scheme.

Also for all we know OP's DH was overcompensating and claiming not to find these older friends/celebs attractive for fear of OP's response. The evidence would suggest OP asks these questions fairly frequently so perhaps he was reacting in a way he thought would give him the least telling off, and judged it wrong.

You sound insecure and accusatory. He’s never going to win if you ask questions like that.

Very true. It's glorious.

Anyway, wait till the menopause, sister - once the oestrogen's out, you won't give a shiny shilling what men do or don't like... 😉😄

Why are you deliberately asking him such loaded questions saying it's "normal" between you both? It's you that seems to have an issue with aging

Every time you see a man his age say something like 'it's a pity he's so old, he would have been quite attractive when he was younger'.

It's very strange to give the OP a pass for her strange and objectifying questions, and then to read all that into her husband's answers. No, he did not "basically" tell the OP she was unattractive - that is nowhere in what he said. No, not finding Kelly Brook as attractive now as 20 years ago does not mean he thinks he's an Adonis. Talk about putting words into someone's mouth.

To be fair my taste in men hasn’t changed much. I liked men in their thirties when I was 20, and I still do now at 47! 😅 In a crush way, I would be more likely to have a relationship with a man of my own age for compatibility reasons (and no 30-something would look at me twice…)

DH’s celebrity crushes were always slightly quirky and not always what you’d call conventionally attractive. None would have made the cover of Loaded. Which is handy cos I’m not conventionally attractive either but he still seems to like me. Even bald and with half a boob he still told me he fancied me. The power of love it seems.

I definitely don’t find men my age group attractive (a non-grey early 60s). Or even their 50s. When I see them on tv I always think eurgh I couldn’t imagine going on a date, they look like they could be my dad. Now a well presented man in his 30s would be far more physically attractive to me. When you grow old and wrinkly together that’s completely different. I definitely don’t find the average pension age man attractive. You get the occasional decent one, I thought Pierce Brosnan looked pretty good for his age (72) (preferably with the beard), but you don’t get them in real life.

Good point - if my DH said 'Which of my friends do you think is attractive' I'd be 🤨...

I am against the grain here.
If you can't be a bit silly wth your partner including sometimes asking daft questions (and it is clear in the OP that this is the norm for their relationship) then who can you be such with?

His attitude is very immature however. He is basically telling the OP she's unattractive, and it is an entitled attitude too 'Older women aren't worthy of my attention, only young youthful ones!'.

I'd be hurt by that, and wondering about his level of maturity, he seems to think he's an Adonis and age affects them but not him, or worse, affects women but not men.

@Lolabear38

I am curious as to why this age issue and his comments are bothering you so much?

Your husband has not been very tactful I agree.

But why are you so bothered? I am 43 like you and I know I dont look like my 20 year old self but I am entirely comfortable with how I look. I am aging well for 43 and i am more confident than i was in my 20s.

My exH is 47 in his head thinks he can have a 25 -30 year old woman but if you saw the size of his stomach, the CPAP machine, the receding hairline and just the general “old man behaviours” like monologuing, mansplaining etc I am sure you would agree with my silent thoughts that he is deluded. I think a lot of men are. I have left him to it. Hence the ex bit.

In summary - figure out why this is bothering you.

Don't start these comparative conversations about looks - it is totally pointless and will never end well.