Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex and father to my oldest died and I’m being accused of being unfair regarding inheritance

170 replies

freakingscared · 02/12/2025 23:58

It’s a long one but I will try and make it as short as possible .
My oldest is a young adult but has severe autism , not independent, non verbal etc . The dad and I where together 3 years and my child was born when I was 19 and him 24 . We separated during pregnancy as he did not want the baby and he was very abusive including physical. I moved abroad and never returned to my home country to live but I visit often . He saw his the baby until he was 20 months when I visited so about 4 times in total and then told me he was not ready to be a father and he would deal with it when my son was older . It’s been over 20 years since we had any contact .
I have struggled a lot when he was small working 2 jobs then back to Uni , with his diagnosis and minimum help from anyone around me . I used to say it was us against the world and it really was that way , but we somehow always won . Years passed I found a good job and career , have my own home remarried to a wonderful man who is a fabulous stepdad and dad to our other 2 children .
Anyway out of the blue I received a message on social media looking for my son . I found it odd but after confirming it was someone from my home country needing help to trace my son as his father died and he was sole heir . I was a bit shocked and had to explain and show I represented my son due to his disability etc etc .
Anyway he lived with this person for the last 15 years but the house was in his name and insurance paid the house in full and she has no rights over it as they never declared they civil partnership . I started proceedings to sell the house and suddenly all of her family and his are messaging me calling me a scammer and a gold digger and telling me I’m making her homeless out of spite as I don’t need it and I will spend it on myself as I will have control of the money .
This has nothing to do with revenge , he is dead , she is the sister of an old mutual friend so she knew all about my son and his behaviour etc .
I even reached out and told her if she wanted to rent the hose for a year to find an alternative I would do it bellow market value , value is around £1300 per month she wanted to pay me £250 if I let her stay 5 years. . I said no .
Am I being unfair ? This guy spend his life ignoring his son , he knew I struggled in the early years , he choose not to be a part of his life and he never gave him a penny . No I do t need it and neither does my son thanks to me and my husband but it’s his right and it’s his money .

OP posts:
FullBl00m · 03/12/2025 10:07

I’m sure others have said this but can’t read full thread and just in case they haven’t

DO NOT RENT THE PROPERTY TO HER you will become a landlord and that is a nightmare at the moment!

Original poster
freakingscared · 03/12/2025 10:04

littlebilliie · 03/12/2025 09:54

That’s a real threat of destroying the house. I would probably instruct the solicitor to get the repossessed Increase security and make sure that threat has been lodged with the police

Show quote history

We had to do it twice now . Police has been good actually , and even went above their duties , they even took photos of the house condition so if they do cause damage they can be taken to court . They have been told it’s a criminal offence to destroy property . I’m hoping as she actually works in childcare that a criminal record will be enough to scare her since it would prevent her from working .
The downside to all this is my nerves are shot ! I do my best to leave it aside but some days are not easy

OP posts:
ThatCyanCat · 03/12/2025 10:02

What a man he must have been, failing in every duty of care he had.

It's your son's money, OP.

FenceBooksCycle · 03/12/2025 10:00

Yanbu and you would be massively failing your son if you didn't assert his legitimate rights. I do feel sorry for the girlfriend but her wellbeing is not a greater priority than your son's, and she at least has much greater capacity to earn her own living. If she'd been reasonable I might have considered giving her a small portion as a goodwill gesture but as you are getting all this shit heaped on you it's best to not even try. Get an anti-harrassment court order if they won't leave you alone.

Azerothi · 03/12/2025 09:59

This is 100% the girlfriend's fault and she should get nothing at all. She could have married him but didn't want to. She could have left if he refused to marry her, she chose not to. 100% give her nothing. Girlfriends who expect to benefit from a boyfriend's inheritance are not only stupid but money grabbing too. Everyone has the opportunity to marry or leave.

ClairDeLaLune · 03/12/2025 09:56

You have no choice legally. That house is your son’s, you have no right to give it away. She doesn’t have a leg to stand on legally. You’ve been more than fair with her.

CountFucula · 03/12/2025 09:55

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 03/12/2025 09:40

Block the lot of them. Do you think she would be helping your son out at all if it had gone the other way?

This is an excellent point. Stay firm OP and get the lot.

littlebilliie · 03/12/2025 09:54

freakingscared · 03/12/2025 09:41

Thanks again , I can’t simply donate money to her , I’m told it’s not a option as that would deprive my son of assets plus would have tax implications etc . She has been in the house rent free now for 5 months , she refused to pay the equivalent to our tax council too so I’ve been having to pay that without even receiving a penny . I did feel very bad for her to start with but I admit that changed as this whole charade progressed and I’ve been threatened , called names and told they will destroy the house before they leave .

Honestly it’s been draining and although I’m very used to the legal side of things in the U.K. ( due to my own profession ) the fact it’s another country makes everything take longer . If this was £10000 I would be leaving it . But it’s just over 200k and if my son ever needs it , it’s there for him.
Someone mentioned he was a very selfish man , yes he was alway a egocentric , we started dating when I was 15 and him 19 and he was a manipulative selfish narcissist and very abusive , even now that I found someone who is the complete opposite , I still have trauma from what happened back then . I doubt he ever changed , he was to much of a narcissist .

That’s a real threat of destroying the house. I would probably instruct the solicitor to get the repossessed Increase security and make sure that threat has been lodged with the police

WildLeader · 03/12/2025 09:52

And after your last update with what his family did and said to you… 100% take this money for your son

this is the universe setting things right somehow

Ohmydears · 03/12/2025 09:52

This sounds a bit like misdirected anger. They are angry at him, not you, but of course they cannot express that to him now so you are the target. This was not your choice, you can’t do anything about it as it is not your inheritance to share. Let it wash over you as best you can. This too shall pass.

You sound like a great parent.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 03/12/2025 09:51

It's backdated cms surely? She can fuck off.

Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee · 03/12/2025 09:49

He’s missed out on a father all these years (though luckily has a good stepdad), presumably the partner knew what sort of man the dead father is, choosing not to be in his child’s life. Bollocks to both of them, your son deserves the money.

Original poster
freakingscared · 03/12/2025 09:49

Shedeboodinia · 03/12/2025 09:44

He and her should have sorted out wills and inheritence if they had other plans for the house if he should die.
The fact he did not, indicates that he would have known that the house would go to your son. Noone is stupid enough not to realise that.
I would carry on with the house sale. You have no idea if they have had conversations where she had asked to be the recipient and he had refused as he wanted the house to go to your son. All you have is the fact that it is going to your son and if the father had other plans then he certainly didn't put them down on paper, which surely he would have done if it was important to him.

Edited

He was only 48 they where still trying for a child and he died suddenly ( car accident ) , I don’t think he wanted her or my son to have anything from him, I think he wasn’t expecting to die , In fact his mum told me she should have the house 🤷🏻‍♀️as in her mind she is the heir . I blocked them all now

OP posts:
Bloozie · 03/12/2025 09:48

You're not being unfair. I can understand this woman's perspective and I do feel for her because it's a rotten position for her to be in, but ultimately your son is also in the rotten position of having dealt a deadbeat dad - plus he has a difference that means he needs lifelong support. Just because you don't need the money now, doesn't mean things can't change.

For lots of reasons, I think you are doing the right thing and it was fair of you to offer her time to find alternative accommodation.

WildLeader · 03/12/2025 09:48

However well off you are now, at some point your son may be on his own- after you have gone, he’ll need help. If The only thing his dad ever did for his son, is have him as the sole beneficiary of his will, or even if he just died intestate, matters little, this is something his dad has done to help his son.

it’s right that your son has this money.

Original poster
freakingscared · 03/12/2025 09:46

User214263 · 03/12/2025 08:00

I presume his family weren't bombarding you with offers of support when your ex turned out to be a piece of shit? No. Thought not.

You're acting in your son's best interest and doing a great job by the sounds of it. Good luck.

They all stoped contact . I still remeber a phone call from his dad telling me he would t cealking or asking to see my son as his son told him he would stop speaking with him . I always made a efgort to keep contact . His mum was and fro her behaviour is just blind to her own sons behaviour , she send me an awful message telling me it’s all my fault because I moved away and they never had a chance to be grandparents and it’s my fault my son has autism because I clearly wants a good mother and looked for help . She is vile and spend her life supporting her sons narcissistic tendencies .
I honestly just want this over . I blocked everyone , this was only on social media as our contacts have been kept safe from all of them during the process.

OP posts:
Shedeboodinia · 03/12/2025 09:44

He and her should have sorted out wills and inheritence if they had other plans for the house if he should die.
The fact he did not, indicates that he would have known that the house would go to your son. Noone is stupid enough not to realise that.
I would carry on with the house sale. You have no idea if they have had conversations where she had asked to be the recipient and he had refused as he wanted the house to go to your son. All you have is the fact that it is going to your son and if the father had other plans then he certainly didn't put them down on paper, which surely he would have done if it was important to him.

Gfdeh · 03/12/2025 09:42

This is NOTHING to do with you or her.
This is 100% about your son's future security.
Do not entertain her or her family.
Block them if necessary.
Your ex may well have done this out of guilt.
Either way the money is for your son.

He absolutely deserves it.
Well done for the huge success you have made of your life.
Don't be guilted by anyone.

Original poster
freakingscared · 03/12/2025 09:41

Thanks again , I can’t simply donate money to her , I’m told it’s not a option as that would deprive my son of assets plus would have tax implications etc . She has been in the house rent free now for 5 months , she refused to pay the equivalent to our tax council too so I’ve been having to pay that without even receiving a penny . I did feel very bad for her to start with but I admit that changed as this whole charade progressed and I’ve been threatened , called names and told they will destroy the house before they leave .

Honestly it’s been draining and although I’m very used to the legal side of things in the U.K. ( due to my own profession ) the fact it’s another country makes everything take longer . If this was £10000 I would be leaving it . But it’s just over 200k and if my son ever needs it , it’s there for him.
Someone mentioned he was a very selfish man , yes he was alway a egocentric , we started dating when I was 15 and him 19 and he was a manipulative selfish narcissist and very abusive , even now that I found someone who is the complete opposite , I still have trauma from what happened back then . I doubt he ever changed , he was to much of a narcissist .

OP posts:
Bananaandmangosmoothie · 03/12/2025 09:40

Block the lot of them. Do you think she would be helping your son out at all if it had gone the other way?

Sartre · 03/12/2025 09:39

Of course you’re being incredibly fair. You offered to let her stay and pay fair rent until she found elsewhere which she refused. That’s her choice, she needs to find somewhere else to live. Your son is the heir, he is entitled to every penny from the estate. Ignore the noise and continue advocating for him.

Aimtodobetter · 03/12/2025 09:33

Absolutely do not feel guilty. Legally I doubt you could even choose to give her the house as that would be depriving your ward of their own assets - morally your son is a sultry entitled to this. I’d feel bad for her if she hadn’t known about it - but she knew he abandoned his own son and chose to be in a relationship with him. As for the “family” - I assume this family also didn’t bother to involve themselves in your son’s life and support you during the hard times? I think if so they’ve shown who they are - don’t waste time on their opinions.

chocorabbit · 03/12/2025 09:26

ItsNotMeEither · 03/12/2025 07:32

I didn’t vote. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all, you’re acting for you son. But, if you wanted to be really nice, could you meet her in the middle. Offer to rent it to her for two years at €400 a month. Make sure it’s enough to cover all costs. Get a proper tenancy agreement. That gives her a decent length of time to save towards whatever comes next for her.

From what you’ve said, she came along well after your relationship was over. While you’re not responsible for her situation, who knows what promises he made to her. Easier said than done when it’s not me, but, she’s also grieving a 15 year relationship and about to be homeless.

At which point it might be impossible to evict her. If the OP wants to be "nice" she can offer her some money from the sale of the house without promising anything in advance but as others have pointed out it's not the OP's inheritance but her son's.

OkWinifred · 03/12/2025 09:24

Another one to say it’s your son’s birth-right.

saraclara · 03/12/2025 09:20

The only thing that counts in this situation is the law. The money wasn't left to you, it was left to your son.

The executor has a legal duty to transfer the entire estate to your son. You have the legal duty to act in your son's interests.

That's all that the ex's partner and her family need to be told.
Even if you felt terrible for the woman and felt some kind of moral responsibility, there would not be a thing you could do about it. It's not your inheritance and it's not your money to give to her, or to lose by letting her stay.

Swipe left for the next trending thread