To be miffed by hubby actions

Well you and DH need to pulling up the DC about their comments. Every single time. It’s rude, disrespectful and demeaning.

same with DH, he doesn’t need to have a chat. Just every time his parents thank him he says it’s from you both.

separately do you think your self esteem would be helped by getting back out there. In paid work OR volunteering your skill set. Feeling useful and needed outside of a caretaking role?

studying, retraining, but something that is yours that engages your mind ?

Why would your kids thank you both for paying for a meal when it's his money which paid for it?

They should thank you for stuff like doing their clothes washing or whatever but it's a bit mad imo to think they should thank you for his wages!

What’s the present? Could you be mistaken?

OP has made it possible for her DH to earn money and have a family…it’s a huge contribution and gift at her own expense

I see OP why you would be unpleasantly surprised. Everything around it builds a picture of your husband making a financial decision that is just from him again. I can’t believe your teens make those types of remarks regarding finances too. Are they working full-time and financially independent on their own? Probably not. They should be grateful to have what they do and it comes from both parents. That disrespect needs to be worked on.

I grew up on a house where my mum didn’t work and while it was known my dad earned the money, my mum did everything else (and I believe it’s harder doing that versus working, as now I’m a full-time working mum to a small child and I got to work for a holiday in some ways - much less mental strain especially). Presents were always seen as from Santa and even though we know my dad brought in the money it was never his versus her in money. It was always from both.

It’s not a minor gripe it’s a big deal. I agree if possible that you could find a job now maybe you could save enough to even contemplate leaving the marriage eventually. It doesn’t sound like a happy one. Just having your own place no matter how small (a tiny studio apartment), and a job you can go to, will be freedom. Maybe think about it as your teens are older and hopefully go off into the world, you could get a job now, save and then say bye - won’t be back!

It is odd that your kids have been in school for over 10 years but you have chosen not to work. What's stopping you?

The issue is that her children and her in-laws are conflating money with value. And that is a huge issue and is coming with a massive slice of disrespect on the side.

You need to address how your children speak to you. That’s the major problem, not the surprise present from your husband.

I think that any poor soul who is referred to as "hubby" ought to be able to do whatever he pleases!

This is one of those situations where you have very large, seemingly reasonable feelings about a large issue in your relationships with your DH and children and it's causing you to react in a rather unreasonable way to something that shouldn't be an issue (the labeling of the gifts).

It sounds like he was trying to create a fun surprise, here, and I would be careful not to attach negative intentions to it unfairly. Your DH deliberately didn't mark the DC's gifts as from him and based on what you've said your DC would treat a gift labeled as "from mum and dad" as paid for by him anyways.

Address the underlying issue. You've described some really awful things your teens say to you. How do you and your DH respond to that unacceptable behavior? What could you do as a team to create a change? How can your DH be more supportive of you around his parents?

It’s the truth though. You don’t earn any money, I know your husbands money is divided between you but you don’t actually earn any money.

Whew! Having a read a lot of MN lately, I am relieved to know that you found ... Christmas presents when you went looking in an unusual place. I was fully braced for ... (texts from Jeffrey E, Ghislaine and Andrew M-W at best ... )

That said, please do address your position in the family in the new year. Your DH must step up and give you credit by pointing out repeatedly that, 'Because Mummy does xxx, I/we can all do yyy' (e.g. plans, shops and cooks nice dinner; checks when you need PE kit). He should be championing you to them all since he knows that you are picking up all the slack. (and MIL is totally at fault since if anyone knows how hard a wife/mother works, surely she does.)

It's tragic but typical that your DCs and PiLs don't recognise that you play an essential part in making everything work. At a minimum, as per MN advice, book yourself on a few days away and let them twist when they have to cope with all the essential background support they haven't appreciated lately. (I'm not sure anyone actually does this but the concept is a good one; occasionally I have gone away for a week or so and my lovely DDs have been EVER so grateful to have me back)

@Gfdeh , it's not low self-esteem necessarily. It happens in tiny increments like death by a thousand cuts: first this, then that, then another and suddenly you don't recognise where you have ended up; sadly, it happens to (intelligent, educated) women all the time. You love your DH and DCs so are happy to support them.

Things need a massive reset - it's awful that your children say these things, but worse that this is their 'world view' of SAHMs in general. Why has this been allowed to happen? It's horrible that it is happening in your house - I really, really feel for you following your updates - but also they are going to take their views out into their adult lives when they leave home, which is also awful.

I think you and your husband need to agree an approach so that from the new year this doesn't happen anymore and that shitty attitudes have consequences. It's for him to deal with his parents (and it sounds like he does try to do that) but it's for both of you to provide a united front with your children and honestly lay down the law. They are disrespectful towards you and not only that, it's clearly having a lasting and damaging impact on you. Please speak to your husband about sorting out a reset for the new year and one, as I say, which has consequences if the children fall back into bad habits.

I would also be looking for some part time work given their ages - both so that you have some money which is your own, but so that you can push back even harder against this horrible attitude that you're somehow less than.

I am so sorry that your children are treating you like this - it needs to stop.

Regarding the gift, I would be deeply unhappy with his actions.

You agreed one tbing and he did otherwise.
Your children are following his lead as are your rude in laws.
I wouldn't be hosting them.

You clearly have huge self-esteem issues to tolerate all of this.

Not normal at all.

This is not normal family dialogue.
Its ugly, disrespectful and plain nasty.
I am a SAHM and this wouldn't happen more than once and it would be firmly dealt with.

Why are you and your husband tolerating such rudeness?

Your children read as deeply unpleasant.
Why would you not down tools 100%?
No food, laundry, lifts?

Why didn't you pick up any job and stop doing anything for such awful teens.

I repeat, not normal from your children or husband.

Unfathomable that you would tolerate being spoken to like that.

Go back to work if you feel like that. Teens are at school, what do you do all day?
Change something and work on your self worth, you don’t need to do what you’ve always done.
its not great that your kids view you that way, it’s very disrespectful. I think you need to address that or they will grow up thinking a woman’s place is at home while the man earns the money. They clearly have no respect for what you do, go back to work and let them fend for themselves a bit more.

I get your point op. You discussed it with him before and he changed his mind, so its not really a nice surprise for you is it? And he absolutely will get all the credit.

It's nothing to do with the presents then - it is to do with how you feel about your status in the family given that you don't do a paid job, but you do perform a crucial role. To be fair to all the posters - this is a fairly massive dripfeed and if you had explained this from the start, we all could have understood better.

As I say, this is nothing to do with presents. There is a much bigger issue with how your family - including your children - view your contribution to the household, which doesn't to be financial to be important. Time to address this?

Goodness I think you need to address the very signficant issues in your marriage. Why don’t you try to get back into employment? You don’t need to be a housewife. If you’re struggling then go and work, earn some money, get some independence. He’s done a nice thing here and all you’re thinking about is the credit, and focusing on what the kids will think it’s from, if what you say is right, then they will know it was ultimately him anyway. So go get a job, earn some money, get it sorted.

That's the point. 3 teens know the label saying 'from Santa' isn't Santa. Its from the parent. And it's usually obvious which parent. Labelling it from Santa doesn't disguise who it's from (as was suggested by various PPs)