Page 7 | To be miffed by hubby actions

wheredidtheteago · 03/12/2025 03:20

Life is too short.

Muffinmam · 03/12/2025 03:11

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 20:43

Wow - ok - the kids are 15 upwards and non believe in Santa just for the record.
so it would be blatantly obvious it’s just from him if I’m surprised aswell.
I guess I feel somewhat left out of the large present giving. I’m a housewife so don’t earn any money and already don’t feel valued as equal to him in our teens eyes with stuff they say and way they behave. His parents also treat our money as his and not mine. They thank him only when we pay for meals and take them away on holiday. Makes me feel invisible and demoted in my own marriage. I gave up my job so he could go smash his and I could ensure the kids had a stable parent at home constantly and somewhere along the line I’ve been seen by all as on par with the kids not the hubby. Hubby doesnt view me that way but is aware how I feel. I suppose I kinda feel like this action when he knows how I feel will amplify that. It’s not that I want the credit- but I don’t believe big gifts should be just seen as just from him and not both of us. He could have told me about the kids and suprised me with mine.
I think it’s wonderful he wants to suprise us.

There’s zero reason that you shouldn’t be back at work already. You don’t have young children and no one is special needs.

It sounds like you resent your husband.

Also, the gift isn’t from you. You don’t earn an income. It sucks - but that’s the way it is.

Your almost adult children would have no illusions as to who funded the gifts.

You need to spend less time on mumsnet and more time focusing on re-entering the workforce.

Daygloboo · 03/12/2025 00:57

nomas · 02/12/2025 23:05

It's clear he is a glory hogger who wants the presents to be just from him. That was apparent from your first post.

I would speak to him and tell him that there is already a toxic environment in the home where the kids don't value your contribution and he is compounding this by acting like Lord Benevolent and you as the meek housewife.

Remind him that he has only been able to build his business because you have been an unpaid nanny and household manager.

And change that wrapping paper and tags to reflect that the gifts are from both of you.

Once you and DH are on the same page, tackle the toxic views from your dc, their attitude to you is shocking.

What ?

Daygloboo · 03/12/2025 00:55

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 20:12

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ).
fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him.
judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad.
AIBU? Should I say something now?

I think you are overreactong. He wanted to surprise you. Don t spoil it. Youre being very silly.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 03/12/2025 00:39

Shocked by some of the responses.
Yes @Tacobelle111 talk to him about it. Maybe there’s a chance they’re not the item you discussed?
Regardless, he’s your life partner so needs to know how you feel to give him a chance to help you feel more valued. If he doesn’t take that chance that’s valuable information for you.
If you do nothing, you’ll gain nothing.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 03/12/2025 00:33

The kids make snide jokey remarks about how it’s dads money not mine and has dad paid my wage yet. They’re joking but it’s been constant for about 4 years. When we go on holiday they ask if I’m getting holiday pay etc etc

This is absolutely appalling and needs addressing seriously. You need to look at it more thoroughly than just saying it woild be more awkward if your DH tried to deal with it. Where has it come from?

FrodoBiggins · 03/12/2025 00:31

nomas · 03/12/2025 00:26

So all her years raising the kids and running the home don't count because the kids are teens now?

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Of course they count, it's a brilliant thing to do. It should rightly be recognised as work.

But staying at home for a decade plus after they're all "small children", mainly because it is financially viable and they want to go on flexible holidays, is hardly the same "sacrifice". OP doesn't even say it is, she seems to like not working too.

But in those circumstances it would be weird to pretend that she's paying for anything. She's not. Just like it would be weird to thank him for changing the beds, because his "sacrifice" in going to work has allowed her to change the beds. He's doing fuck all around the house, she's making no money. Fine if it suits them but why pretend it's otherwise?

The teens/adult DCs should be grateful to both their parents for the very different things they do.

ETA - the comments etc about whether she's getting "holiday pay" are extremely rude. Just as if they were calling out DH for being lazy around the house. They should not be so disrespectful to OP. My comment above is just about why it's weird to expect thanks for eg dinner out. It's obviously not OK to take the piss out of her for not being in employment.

Catsbooks345 · 03/12/2025 00:30

3luckystars · 02/12/2025 21:41

It’s the truth though. You don’t earn any money, I know your husbands money is divided between you but you don’t actually earn any money.

It is true but OP plays an equally crucial role in the success of the family life and should be shown respect for that. The teens sound so rude and disrespectful speaking like that , ND or not. I'm actually shocked at the cheek of them. You deserve better OP. They need to learn to value your contribution. I agree about stopping or going away for a short break to demonstrate your value. Working would also help change your perceived status if you want to work.

Orchid2025 · 03/12/2025 00:26

I'm not really sure what your gripe is.
If you and your hubby give the kids presents they thank dad as he is the one that earns the money.
So if dad gives them a present they thank dad as he is the one who earns the money.
What's the difference?

nomas · 03/12/2025 00:26

FrodoBiggins · 03/12/2025 00:25

Sure but they're teens now. One of them is probably an adult if they have three over 15!

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So all her years raising the kids and running the home don't count because the kids are teens now?

FrodoBiggins · 03/12/2025 00:25

nomas · 03/12/2025 00:25

Ok, how would he have run his job with small kids?

The kids weren't born teens you know?

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Sure but they're teens now. One of them is probably an adult if they have three over 15!

nomas · 03/12/2025 00:25

FrodoBiggins · 03/12/2025 00:23

Who said he runs a business? He's employed, she said he just got a new job. Do you think no parents of teenagers have jobs and wives with jobs?

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Ok, how would he have run his job with small kids?

The kids weren't born teens you know?

FrodoBiggins · 03/12/2025 00:23

nomas · 03/12/2025 00:12

How would he have taken care of kids and run a business?

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Who said he runs a business? He's employed, she said he just got a new job. Do you think no parents of teenagers have jobs and wives with jobs?

nomas · 03/12/2025 00:12

Flpiiant · 02/12/2025 23:59

I'm sure he'd have been fine.

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How would he have taken care of kids and run a business?

mmsnet · 03/12/2025 00:10

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99bottlesofkombucha · 03/12/2025 00:07

Flpiiant · 02/12/2025 23:59

I'm sure he'd have been fine.

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He wasn’t happy when she went back to work a few years ago.

FlockofSquirrels · 03/12/2025 00:04

I’ve tried speaking to them about how they make me feel but tbh their quite dismissive and pass it off as me being over sensitive being peri meno and ridiculous and their joking and don’t really feel like that- although our middle child finished with but in fairness you aren’t equal though r u as you don’t work and earn the money so you aren’t equal to dad. Which was hurtful. I dont tolerate disrespect but when it’s passed off as joking it’s not always easy to deal with as I end up coming across as the unreasonable one.

Ok. You and your DH have explained why what they've said isn't ok. Now this isn't about convincing them of anything - your children do not have to validate and agree with all of your decisions.

The next step is not to channel this into conflict with your DH because your teens are being jerks. You and your DH are the parents, so tell them what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable and what the consequences are for being rude and saying things they have already been told are hurtful. Saying and doing things you have been told are hurtful to the person is being deliberately hurtful, regardless of whether you agree with their perspective. This is an important lesson, especially for ND kids.

mmsnet · 03/12/2025 00:03

youre a SAHM for kids over 15 years old! give over!

your DH earns and decides what gifts to get, just because youre SAHM for ridiculous reasons, you think youre entitled to your DH money spending decisions

youre obviously not are you! lol

Empress13 · 03/12/2025 00:02

Farmwifefarmlife · 02/12/2025 20:18

They are labelled form Santa not from dad so I don’t see how the kids will think they are from him?

They are teens so doubt they would think that they are from Santa

Flpiiant · 02/12/2025 23:59

Anyahyacinth · 02/12/2025 22:12

OP has made it possible for her DH to earn money and have a family…it’s a huge contribution and gift at her own expense

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I'm sure he'd have been fine.

mmsnet · 02/12/2025 23:54

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Original poster

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 23:53

Mrsknowitall · 02/12/2025 23:27

Because without the op her dh probably wouldn’t be in the position to take them all out for meals and holidays, she has sacrificed her own life to create a life for him and their children, so yes he’s wages become her wages too, it’s their money not just his!

op id except this surprise gracefully as his intentions were good and his heart is in the right place. Enjoy your Christmas I hope it’s a lovely one for you all 🎄🎅🏻🎄🎅🏻🎄🎅🏻

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Thank you. I had never realised just how much people look down their noses at housewives and SAHM.
your right- if I hadn’t stayed home and done what I do we wouldn’t be in this privileged financial position we are in now. My hubby loves to work and I love being a mum. This works for us day to day. With having 2 out of 3 kids neurodivergent it’s not been easy.
the kids don’t seem to see all I do and the sacrifices I’ve made to ensure they had a stable parent at home and weren’t spending majority of time at childminders when we could afford for that not to have to be the case. To ensure I was at every sports day, every school play, able to go into school and help listen to kids read and help out on school trips etc, be there at every school pick up and drop off and be at home when they were sick and every school holidays.
I just hope that although they don’t see it or appreciate it now that as they grow older and mature they do.
I’ve tried speaking to them about how they make me feel but tbh their quite dismissive and pass it off as me being over sensitive being peri meno and ridiculous and their joking and don’t really feel like that- although our middle child finished with but in fairness you aren’t equal though r u as you don’t work and earn the money so you aren’t equal to dad. Which was hurtful. I dont tolerate disrespect but when it’s passed off as joking it’s not always easy to deal with as I end up coming across as the unreasonable one. It’s extremely frustrating. Hubby has told them and explained to them whilst we’ve all been there how I contribute and how he couldn’t do what he does without my support and what I do. But it doesn’t seem to sink in. It’s more the subconscious that bothers me. Like forgetting to thank me for stuff we buy together or holidays we pay for as a team. It’s done subconsciously and that’s hurts. I don’t believe his parents do anything nasty. I believe it’s subconscious as we have a great relationship. But somehow the subconscious hurts more than deliberate. He’s offered to deal with them but tbh it would be awkward and wouldn’t actually change their underlying views of subconscious feelings and it hurts knowing subconsciously they feel that way even if they don’t realise they do.
my plan was always to help my kids with their kids if they couldn’t afford or didn’t wanna stay home ( it’s not for everyone ). Inbetween them leaving and having kids just enjoying lots of holidays and spending time with the hubby. He’s a great man and I believe his actions are lovely and from the heart- I just feel large expensive presents should be from both parents and not just one - it’s not so much about the present as the message underneath it.

OP posts:

Greggsit · 02/12/2025 23:51

WallaceinAnderland · 02/12/2025 23:04

Do the same as him. Buy them, wrap them, label them from Santa (but keep receipts so that they can be returned). When you 'realise' that you've both done the same thing you can have a laugh about it and agree that you will communicate better in the future.

That's certifiable behaviour!

StruggleFlourish · 02/12/2025 23:49

But reading that whenever the kids get something, they only think Dad because Dad is the only wager in the family and mom is the stay-at-home, well, that's something that should be addressed.
My father was the only wage earner who worked outside of the house too, my mom was a full-time mom. She didn't earn any money outside of the household but she worked full time!
And whenever Christmases or birthdays or anything else came along, even though I knew that it was my mom who was buying the presents, I thanked both of them.
The boys should learn some respect and thank Mom AND Dad.

FlockofSquirrels · 02/12/2025 23:48

But he's the one who will bring them out and OP would have been as surprised as the dc.

Bring them out? Most people just put wrapped presents under the tree. I'm not sure why you're imagining some grand presentation.