To be miffed by hubby actions

No - it means that they’ve been in school all day for years so being a SAHM isn’t quite a full time job! She did go back to work briefly a few years ago but gave up the job because she couldn’t go on holiday as often she’d like.
She said that at least 2 of her children are autistic. And if they are being literal ( as ND people are) they are correct- she does not work and dad earns all the money. In this case dad also chose and bought the presents.

Gosh and your diamond slippers are too tight too.

you need to practice some gratitude here to counteract the resentment you feel and then grow up a bit!!! You have a wonderful quality of life.

your children however are rude and that on you as the stay at home parent. How have you let this happen-by letting it. It’s going to be hard work to claw the respect back but you have to. Every shitty remark - give a sanction. It’ll stop once you do!!!

Thebdevil is in the detail here, though.

The OP isn't being 'pissy' because she won't get the credit but because she doesn't feel/isn't valued in her family and feels that this is going to add weight to that.

My initial thought was that she was making a big deal out of it too but the wider context is relevant.

This. Don’t ruin it op.

OK OP, 10 years ago (when you went back to work), your children were a lot younger so circumstances that applied then won't apply now.

He presumably earned a lot less 10 years ago than he does now too so if you earn enough to afford a good lifestyle now then, if you went back to work, you could presumably afford things like a cleaner to ease the load at home?

Just trying to think of solutions because I think your self esteem would benefit from working.

The bigger problem is how this came about though.

When i was a child, my mum was a SAHM/housewife and didn't work until I was around 15 when she had a part time job. And, I'll he honest, we never regarded her as being 'lesser' because of it. Gifts were always from our parents and we never thought of it as my dad earning the money - dad went out and earned money; mum took care of everything at home. They were equal in our eyes.

Amongst my friends, I'd say there was a fairly even split between mums who didn't work outside the home, mums who worked part time in retail/office jobs and mums who had professional careers. Not that we really discussed it but, when we did, these were just facts about our families and didn't carry any value judgements.

So how has this evolved.

Many couples manage to have successful careers whilst raising a family - it's not necessary to have one SAHP for the other to be successful.

Not that there is anything wrong with being a SAHP if that's what the preference is and finances allow it. The OP needs to own her decision and tell the kids off for being rude - a person's value isn't determined by their work or income.

I think what’s difficult is you’re expecting them to be grateful for your choice. My parent was a SAHP and actually it would have done me good to have gone to childcare sometimes or had to deal with the disappointment of a parent not being at an event. My children don’t always appreciate how hard I’m working to make it to a school event (working extra hours to cover it) or how exhausted I am when I get home from work sometimes.

Your children see you have all week at home, yes doing some household jobs but no more than what those of us who work do and therefore think you have an easy time of it. I think you need your husband on board to champion you and let your ‘children’ and I use that word loosely as they sound older see how much you do for them.

This is excellent advice.

Your children are being disrespectful and need to feel the consequences of their actions. You are being too meek and mild, you are undervaluing yourself and your contributions - and teaching them to do the same.

This!
Your DC are incredibly rude. They know you find the comments upsetting but still make them; totally disrespectful and clearly think money is the most important thing.

Maybe stop doing everything for them so they have no prepared and cooked dinners, they have no clean clothes, no lifts anywhere...then they might begin to understand your job of housewife and SAHM.

I'd not say anything about finding the gifts to your DH. But I'd take off the labels and re-write them from 'mum & dad' without telling him. Your DH, despite you say him backing you up, has undermined you with those labels and is exacerbating the issue. When he turns into hero-dad on Xmas morning, hopefully he'll clock the labels and it might make him realise that these little things are really, in fact, huge to you.

I would tell DH that you found them and although it is a wonderful gesture you woukd like the DC to know it was from both of you, and why.
As for the DC, every time they ask for anything, tell them to ask their father if they think it is all his money. When DH is not available, they will soon get bored.

Reading your op again @Tacobelle111 i think you have a problem because your dc get too much.
Always on holiday, lovely gifts.
Your dc are materialistic.

Do they do chores?
Do they earn pocket money or have weekend jobs?

You need to do less for them and if you won’t work take up a hobby.
People treat you the way you allow them to.

To answer your question OP, yes I do think you should have a word with him now that you have accidentally found the gifts he has arranged for you all. YANBU.

I think you need to spell it all out to him again very clearly and calmly. He has disregarded your feelings completely and has forgotten that he isn’t the main man in the family. He needs to not only re-write the gift tags, but also to re-frame his thinking again.

Your children’s disrespectful attitude towards you comes from their privilege provided by his earnings which in turn are enabled by your service to the family. So in that way, his money earned hasn’t helped them learn basic respect. They are spoiled rotten and find it ok to scoff at you and demean you as the non-earner. They feel entitled to put you down based on their life experience and what they have learned within the family. Both parents are accountable. It’s possible that you have both been complacent in not handling their shocking remarks more firmly. They should be ashamed of making remarks like ‘holiday pay’ for you, if you find it unacceptable. Who else is going to reprimand them ?

I think you could also talk to your DH about holding the gifts back until next year as originally planned, during which time your DC can also learn some humility if you and DH stop spending on them so lavishly, - and if you put in consequences for any show of disrespect to others.

OP, do you think maybe your confidence has been eroded somewhat by all the years of service to your DH and DC?
Maybe it’s time now they are teens to help yourself regain that confidence and self-esteem even if it means forsaking a holiday or two.
Have a think about making a change for yourself in some way, before your role as SAHM becomes redundant. Wishing you all the best.

Do you really believe it's impossible to have children and work?

Tbf isn’t the youngest 15? My eldest had been organising herself in the mornings for years by the time she was that age. If she was my only child I’d be staying in bed on my days off. But I have younger ones including a child with additional needs who needs metaphorically poking to get himself ready in the mornings.

Nowt wrong with a lie in if you can get it.

Why would they not think the present was from you both?

To be honest I can’t believe you stay in bed in the morning, so you can go back to sleep. Do you not get up with your kids to organise and make sure they are set up for the day? When I had 3 teens, I was up at 5.30 to make sure the house was tidy and lunches were prepared etc. We all left for work and school at 7.30. What do you do all day?

Lets face it, he probably would be in the same job / position if you worked too, as like many men (including my ex) he’d have left all the dropping off and picking up to you. You’d have less money, as you’d be paying for holiday clubs and probably a cleaner. I have a career, good salary but no where near as successful as my ex as he sodded off overseas and left me to it. The kids know who was there for them (18 & 21 now) and although their dad is paying to put them through uni, they know he only has that extra money due to sacrifices made by me. To my ex’s credit, he always says you kids are only as successful (academically) because of your mum etc. Your DH probably needs to have a word next time they make a comment like they have, to point out how not everything is tied up in money.

You have a lot of benefits due to not working. But I personally couldn’t do it as a lot of my own self worth comes from my job. My mum once said my childhood bestie had done well for herself when she is a SAHM and must admit I didn’t agree she had. So I think a lot of people link worth to people’s jobs. I guess either accept that’s how it is (and sure kids will appreciate it when you’re home) or think about going back to work and reducing holidays etc. You’d get AL and it might be worth it to feel better about yourself. Your DH is just trying to be nice and won’t realise how you feel. Speak to him about how you feel after Christmas and put your surprised face on.

Wow, your kids sound horrible- towards you anyway. I’d be tempted to swap those presents from Santa for some coal. how dare they speak to you like that? Personally, I’d be making changes if I was you. Get a job and earn your own money. That’s not a dig btw, and maybe consider studying something that interests you.

I felt like you when I was solely a SAHM, so I retrained and now have a part time job. It's not a lot of hours, but I think it was needed for my self esteem. I think people seem to treat me with more respect now (it might be in my head).
It's also good for my kids to see me going off to work sometimes and dad having to do the home duties for a bit. Everyone pitches in on everything, the money isn't “dad's” and the bloody drudgery of home duties all “mum's”.

I can't help wondering, OP, why your children are being rewarded with very expensive gifts instead of having their shitty attitudes kicked into the middle of next week.

After that, it may be time to think about expensive gifts.

I mean this makes sense if you believe a father has no obligation to spend time parenting their child. He was able to move ahead in his career because his half of the parenting was done by his wife. If there were no wife, he would have had to take a slower career path, the way many single mums do. Or, I suppose, in your ethical framework, he could have abandoned his kids and let them go into the system or whatever, and then he would have had all the success he now has, without needing OP to provide any support from home.

This is great advice. I don’t think YABU in light of what you’ve disclosed in subsequent posts. Please do this because otherwise it’ll eat away at you and potentially spoil Christmas.

My mum didn’t work until my younger brother was in secondary school and even then it was part time and minimum wage. So we all must have known the money dad earned was technically paying for everything. However it never registered because what mum was doing around the house and day to day for all of us was equally important and valued. I am so grateful to her now, and was as a child too, for what she did and the sacrifices she made (which eventually came back to bite her when they divorced).

Mum would have physically bought all our Christmas presents even though it was with money from dad’s job, so they both world have got equal credit. So I can see why your husband doing this doesn’t sit right with you, however good his intentions are.

So your mad he got the gifts? I don't see a problem? 😕

I do. I will explain and I’ll preface this to say that I’m a stay at home mother to a very young child with severe autism and GDD.

You aren’t equal financially. You don’t work. Your children aren’t children any more. The youngest is 15.

Why aren’t you working? Your children see the imbalance in your relationship.

My own relationship isn’t balanced. It would be impossible to balance what we do. My partner earns more than double what I could earn. If I wasn’t around he would still earn double. It’s possible he would earn a lot more than double because he has made the decision to work less and play more of an active role in raising our child.

I don’t see his accomplishments in his career as being something that I contributed to. He was the one who put himself through university. He was the one who purchased his first property as soon as he started working. His financial accomplishments are not my financial accomplishments. We aren’t equal.

You seem to think your husband’s accomplishments in his career are because of you. I don’t see it that way.

I see that your contribution is massive in respect to you raising your children so that they can succeed. If it wasn’t for your sacrifice to your career your children wouldn’t be where they are now. And I say this as someone who sacrificed their career so that their child could learn to talk despite their severe diagnosis.

You are angry at your husband but you should be angry at your ungrateful children.

You need to sit them down and explain you sacrificed your career to raise them and set them on the right trajectory. Their educational accomplishments are due to you. There are studies that demonstrate a child’s intellectual abilities and educational outcomes are most influenced by their mother. This isn’t just due to the mother’s intelligence but also due to the mother’s nurturing role.

Your children don’t value you. You’re blaming your husband for this. Your children are rude, entitled and ungrateful. They don’t respect you.

I think you should go to work. I think you should pull back on what you are doing for your children. They don’t respect you and personally I would be returning the iPads or whatever it is that you’ve discovered in the cupboard.

Help your DC to understand that your input does have a financial value. When the salary of a live in housekeeper is added to that of a daily taxi to/from school plus anything else you may do- personal shopper, accounts, dog walker, gardener etc.-it may be clearer to them that you not taking paid work outside the home has potentially large cost implications.
I would have thought your IL's would comprehend that.
The current gift situation sounds fine though, and seems thoughtful of your DH.