To be miffed by hubby actions

Of course it’s possible! Lots of us manage it.
High flying jobs often come with a huge amount of flexibility.

I know plenty of people in high flying jobs with spouses that work full time without a full time nanny. One of the benefits of high flying jobs is flexibility and people manage work travel and meetings aound family commitments and their spouse's schedule. It's not the 1980s anymore or even the early 2000s.

Where do your children get their horrible attitude towards you from? If its your DH joking about "he pays for everything" then I suspect he has pulled this stunt to be the big I Am.

Either way I completely get why this feels shit. He shut the idea down, now he gets the glory.

You need to deal with your disrespectful little shits though. How dare they talk to and about you like that. They've got this attitude from somewhere.

I’m missing the point of the thread I know, but why does every OP on here have to write that they’re ‘peri’? It really isn’t relevant to 90% of posts!

Who appreciates OP then?

its definitely not possible to do the hands on care for young kids and have a high-flying job like OP’s DH, yes. You need to be available for early starts, late finishes, weekend/evening work. Can’t be looking after your kid while commuting to Canary Wharf for your 7am meeting!

You either need a stay at home spouse or a full time nanny, (or wrap around nanny plus nursery) which would cost c.£45k per year (nanny salary plus pension contributions, tax etc) so OP’s role is already worth that, plus cleaner and gardener fees.

I think you're being over-sensitive about his parents thanking him when you go out for dinner and holidays. My in-laws do the same and I earn more than DH! I've never thought twice about it until now - I figure it's just because he's their son or because they are old fashioned. Either way it doesn't matter to me. I like them, but when it comes down to it I wouldn't be taking them to dinner if I wasn't married to their son!

Why didn’t he label yours from Santa why is yours different

and are you happy and fulfilled in the role just to support him

The 1950s have long gone mate.

Your children are incredibly rude and disrespectful, where have they picked up this attitude and why haven't you and their father come down on it like a tonne of bricks?

I don't think it's about being inferior, but the reality is that he's the one bringing the money and paying for those presents (and the meals, and everything else).
I think it's fair that from time to time, he wants to get the credit for things he brings to the family. The same way you get credit for what you do in the house etc.

No one should judge your decisions as a family, particularly not your kids that you both provide for. If it works for you and your husband and your finances are sane then that's all that matters.

That said, the reality of the world today is that you are in a very privileged position. Being a housewife with grown up teens is not something that most families can afford, it's very different from being a SAHM with young dependent children.
You don't have to justify yourself, but trying to do that using arguments like "he has a very busy job" and "how would we manage the household" isn't going to get you any support. That's just what we all do all day, every day, and tbh yes it's shit!

This is you and your husband lifestyle choice, and it works for your family. That's good enough and no one else's business.

My FIL buys huge surprise presents without MIL knowing and it always ALWAYS comes across as wanting to be better than her and that they are not a team. I hate it (and DH can see how shitty it looks too). So I totally get it OP and I'd feel the same tbh.

Just say thank you and appreciate him.

Ok I think that’s the small price you pay for not having a job or having to get up every day for work, and all the holidays you want, most people would think it’s worth it.

I would do anything for my children, but I would go through them for a shortcut if I ever felt so disrespected by them.

I also would think that I had failed them on so many levels if they spoke like that.

Jokes my arse.
They call you peri?
Unbelievably disrespectful.

You have stayed at home to raise deeply unpleasant teens.

I would be mortified that my children thought that this is how they can speak to their parent/ adult.

And yet you have continued to tolerate it?
This is on you and your husband.

And you now want to volunteer to mind grandchildren 🙄.

You are your own worst enemy.
They will take their odious opinions and disrespect into their adult relationships.

Your family issues are so much bigger than your husband spending money without discussing it with you, although its a symptom.

Oh and this has NOTHING to do with neuro diversity before anyone mentions it.

I have two neuro diverse children that have been reared to have enormous respect and appreciation for the fact that mum gave up her excellent career so that they would have a much easier life without external childcare.

OP, instead of blaming everyone around you, take responsibility for your passivity that has resulted in your children to be raised with such a deeply unpleasant attitude towards their own mother.

If ever a thread display the truth of the saying "we teach people how to treat us".....this is it.

Has your husband ever thought about the fact that he would never have been able to earn the income he does without you looking after the DCs? Perhaps he needs to explain to them that he couldn't have done it without your support as you are a team.

Could he have done his job doing school runs, getting uniform/ PE kit ready, making meals, doing all the school activities and homework and housework and laundry for three DCs? I suspect not (although I know women can and do!)

This!

If your teens are making snippy comments then you and DH need to talk to them and explain that both parents have an equally important job - whether one of you gets a pay cheque or not, is irrelevant.

But honestly if it really does make you feel that bad, with grown teens, getting back into work (even part time) might do wonders for your confidence.

They discussed getting this as a joint present from them both and he said no and then went behind her back and got it anyway but as a surprise. You know they say it’s the thought that counts? Well it was OPs thought too and he’s claiming it as his own. Unless the presents she’s found are not what she’s thinking they are, then I don’t agree she’s spoiled the surprise. He should have hidden them better and it’s not like she went looking for them.

I’m in a similar situation really although my kids are not dicks to me and I do work part time now. I stopped working as a teacher when my dd were small as we could manage financially and I have only done supply teaching since then. I do it because I want to and none of the money I make goes to the household.

My dc are aware that all of the bills and the holidays and everything is paid for because of their dad’s income. Never have they said anything to me about it. They know that I have sacrificed things for them and they know that they have been lucky to have someone at home making everything so much easier. But, none of that would have been possible without my husband making the money.

I think that you need to go to work for your own seek. It is a bit daft to say that you shouldn’t work now because you wouldn’t get much holiday time. Like yours, my household does not need the money from my income but it still helps. For example, I paid for all of the things my dd needed for the first year of university this summer but my husbands wages pay the £8000 rent.

I go to work for my own benefit really so that I feel useful in the world as a whole and so that I have a life outside of the home that is nothing to do with my children.

Because she’ll be “surprised” when they open it. Which is why I think she needs to have a word to her husband before Christmas and label them from mum and dad instead of Santa.

I think this would have been fine if it wasn’t something you’d already planned to do together. But to change his mind, have you support that decision, only for him to change it back and give you no part in it, does seem a little undermining. Perhaps you could mention you’d really like to get those gifts after all and hope he comes clean?

Your children are disrespectful and are being deliberately hurtful.
Maybe now is the time to step back and stop doing everything for them. I realise it must be hard to hear but they sound spoiled and ungrateful.

I’m not sure if you’ve said but are they boys or girls? Do you think you’re preparing them adequately for future relationships? Are they learning to treat a partner with respect and kindness?

Because Dad chose, bought , paid for and wrapped the present.

Agreed - I’d be taking the lie in too if I could! But would also know I was lucky to get it. In this case the Op is upset about her children’s view of her and that they don’t value her or the work she does. What the kids see is her snoozing in bed in the morning while they and dad are getting up and ready to go out to work/ school /college.
Her children’s comments are unacceptable- the ones about dad paying her wage and holiday pay etc.Absolutely unacceptable. But she does have every opportunity with near adult children to enter employment which may be a good thing for her self esteem. I’m really not sure what she does all day. At that age household chores can easily be shared out.
Also with the references to multiple holidays a year I’m sure they could stretch to pay a cleaner if they don’t already have one.

Im a stay at home mum. I dont earn an income but I do absolutely everything else and I also take care of the finances. if my husband did any sort of gift giving or surprises id be grateful not pissy, why does xmas have to be a competition about who gives the gifts. Let dad have the surprise this year im sure he has earnt it. My kids know that dad is the breadwinner and anything bought for the house or xmas or for them is ultimately because of him even though im the one buying it all. I feel some men can never win. He didnt want to do the surprise and you were unhappy, hes decided to try and surprise you and the kids and its also wrong because he might get credit for it and not you. I think honestly let him surprise everyone and you act shocked and thankful on xmas day.