To be miffed by hubby actions

Get your tense right and stop banging on about peri menopause on everything you sound pathetic really not a good look

Change your label to from Santa and then the kids will see it as a present from you both. When kids open their presents, keep saying things like, "we thought you guys deserved it etc."

children are not grateful for parenting nor should they be. You were a good parent but that’s children expectation. Maybe when they are older they will thank you, but you didn’t do for the praise I imagine. Most children don’t thank their parents for coming to sports day!

your teenagers are rude and that should be addressed consistently and especially any rude comments. But don’t conflate how that makes you feel into a conflict with your DH when you know that’s not how he feels or acts.

if you want the hurt to say mum and dad tell him and let him now how you are feeling and that you want to reinforce being a united financial front.

again. Come down on the comment every single time wether they’re in passing or not.

why are you calling them excuses. They are just her reasons. Since they don’t need the money, her DH and her kids would only be adversely affected by her working as it would put more pressure on DH and there would be less adults available for the children. It makes sense and it’s really shitty that they are disrespecting her for this decision which was jointly made by BOTH parents.

Such a shame that you have given up your career to dedicate all that time to raising three children, but they have turned into such unspeakably rude people.

I mean, it seems like you clearly do so...

And why cant you go out and get a job? You say you gave up your career etc but you could have been back in work and establishing yours again for many years?

All the people on here who complain about their partner and here we have someone complaining when their husband does something nice to surprise everyone. What a place MN is.

DH is being a dick, possibly thoughtlessly, but still being a dick.

When the presents appear say to the kids “your dad and me thought we each deserved something extra this year”. Say this before they are even opened.

If DH wants to leave them to the end after all other presents are opened, then say “DH, why don’t you bring the other presents out now? Kids, me and your dad thought we all deserved something extra this year. DH they were in your wardrobe last time I checked.”

But given how your kids speak to you, you’d be better off putting theirs in the bin before xmas. Your DH should in fact (in my opinion) be stating that these gifts are from you OP and take no credit for himself (or santa).

I’m not sure it’s as simple as that, I think w3 would like to think it is, but I recall speaking to my daughters friends as teens, a couple of them said they didn’t understand why their mums didn’t work. She was always there hovering, wanting to be overly involved, didn’t have much to do, constantly wanting attention, and worst of all wanted to give career advice when their perception was she was the last person to do that, as they’d not worked for decades. It was brutal.

i think we forget sometimes that it’s really not just our kids should be all greatful for the chores being done, they often don’t respect a parent who doesn’t go out and work, when they are expect to go to school, go to uni, get a job, and it’s worse if the house wife /husband is a bit bored and over involves themselves in their kids lives. It’s really important to have your own stuff going on.

and reading the op and her focus on all the small stuff , I do wonder if she just doesn’t have much going on. So sits and stews on stuff. And it is damaging her relationship with her kids, who want basically space.

I think too much emphasise has been put on material things and now that’s what they associate as ‘value’. Yes, I think your children should say thank you for gifts and treats etc… but they should also be showing appreciation for actions too. They ask for a drink and you bring them one, that should be acknowledged not just expected. Also getting them to take on some of what you do is important. Not just for preparing them for independence as adults but also so that the things you do become more visible to them and they learn it’s not ‘magic’ that clothes get cleaned, dishes are washed, food put away etc…

It’s not too late to start, in fact I’d argue that they’re at a good age. Use it as a learning experience - where they learn valuable life skills and also grow their understanding of what it takes to run a home. Their respect and appreciation of you will grow and hopefully they won’t undervalue any future partners, should they choose to stay home as you did.

You can’t be serious, that just sounds like a load of excuses as you don’t want to work, which is fair enough, but just own it and don’t get mad your kids won’t pretend you bought the presents.

Youngest is 15, what exactly are you doing all day every day? If you got a job you would earn money and contribute to gifts and not have this feeling that you do not contribute financially, your husband demanding you do not work so you can go on holiday at the drop of a hat would have to work around your working holidays and pull his weight at home finally. I think you have it cushy and should be happy he has spoiled all of you but clearly YOU are not happy with your situation so the one way around it would be to go back to work yourself and let hubby and teens help out with the housework instead. Maybe then you may feel more appreciated by them.

But she’s miserable and her teenagers are treating her with contempt.

Your children don’t value you.You’re blaming* your husband for this.Your children are rude,entitled and ungrateful. They don’t respect you. I think you should go to work. I think you should* pull back on what you are doing for your children

This!

Nobody in your household appears to value you so I'd stop being a skivvy for a bunch of teenagers/adults. Go and earn yourself some money.

You'll be shocked to hear that working parents are able to drop off/pick up children and do housework.

It definitely is possible, particularly when your youngest child has been at school for 10 years.

Plenty of us manage it and I promise you we don't all need a stay at home spouse to have a successful career.

SOME high-flying jobs come with flexibility. Others, do not. My husband's job had zero flexibility. He even took work on vacation and worked all vacation while I watched the kids on my own. His rare free time, by his choice, was used solely for his own recuperation from work and his own hobbies. He helped with the kids about zero: sick days, doctor visits, all the rest.

Now he has flexibility because he is senior, and has accrued a lot of vacation due to seniority. But back when the kids were young and needed hands-on parenting, no, not at all. Zero flexibility.

OP probably could go back to work, but it would likely be a job with very low pay and no flexibility, because she would be low on the totem pole. And, as a middle-aged woman starting at the bottom, she's unlikely ever to rise to a position with flexibility. Working is something she might have to do if necessary, and should be willing to do, if necessary, but I think some respect is due to her from her family for the fact that she gave up her career advancement for everyone else's benefit.

Because he's trying to frame it as the parents giving a gift to the kids and then dad surprising mum with ones for them as well. He's taking direct credit for surprising her with her gift but trying to share credit for the kids' gifts (which is fair since they did actually plan them together). The kids are teens and it's easy to mention a clarifying "We wanted to do a special gift for all of you this year but mum didn't know she was getting one too."

I think he's been a but clumsy here because I personally dislike surprises that hinge on making the person feel let down first (like doing a surprise party but first making the target spend all day thinking all of their loved ones forgot their birthday) and I think that given the underlying issues both parents should be really taking a hard line on being an equal financial team. But clumsiness isn't malice or narcissism and OP seems equally diffident/limp about actually taking a stand towards their DC and her PIL's attitudes.

Not really if she is not working.

I agree, i don’t think the DH is as innocent in this as the OP thinks he is!

@Wayk You can do all those things and still work you know. Especially when you have school age kids.

Kids need their parents more a teenagers for support. If her husband works away the OP is doing dropping/collecting, housework etc.

Nasty of your husband to steal your idea for the gift so he could get all the credit and give it from himself instead of both of you.

Are your children all boys? Where do they get their contempt for you from? Your husband? You need to stop seeing him as 'lovely' and see that he has shaped your children's attitudes to you.

I voted YABU based on your initial post, thinking of children of an age that they'd normally get Santa presents. The follow-ups cast the situation in a completely different light. I normally don't think having one member of a couple SAH and the other work full time (or more) is a good idea, partly because it's unrealistic modeling for the children - but it sounds like you and hour husband agreed to it up front, felt it was best for your specific family situation, and are both genuinely committed to it. I don't know what to suggest about the much larger issue here (the children's rudeness and apparent misogyny), although I'd consider no presents at all. Given the exact circumstances you're in right now, to deal with the immediate issue I'd suggest just telling your husband you've seen the packages, explaining your fears about how they'll be received (it sounds like it won't be a big surprise to him), and talking through what's best to do.

If you have access to all that money why don’t you think of doing something nice for your family yourself, maybe buy some surprise gifts or book a day out over the hols. Certainly sounds like you’ve got the time to spare.

Mind you, if my children were as rude and ungrateful as yours I’d doubt I’d bother either!