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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed by hubby actions

241 replies

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 20:12

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ).
fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him.
judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad.
AIBU? Should I say something now?

OP posts:
notacooldad · 04/12/2025 21:44

*Usernamenotav · Today 21:27

Couldn't read past 'hubby' and 'pressie
You are being ridiculous. Lots of people use slang.

Did everyone just miss the part about 3 teens? I've yet to meet a teen who still believes in Santa!
Of course they don't. However I still joked with my then teen boys about asking what they want from Santa. Eveyone knew it was me, it was just a joke!

What is up with people tonight?

Usernamenotav · 04/12/2025 21:27

Couldn't read past 'hubby' and 'pressie'

JLou08 · 04/12/2025 21:25

Sounds like a lovely, thoughtful surprise. Why do you need the glory? Is it not enough that your DC will be happy with the gift?

CJsGoldfish · 04/12/2025 21:25

So you poured ALL of your time and effort into your children and ended up with rude, disrespectful human beings who see you as 'less than'? Ouch!

The name on the presents doesn't really mean much at this point because they know it's dad's money anyway, right. That's their takeaway from you being a 'housewife'. Not sure how you can turn that around OP but I'd be focused on that rather than a token name on the card

Cakeandcardio · 04/12/2025 21:11

3luckystars · 02/12/2025 21:41

It’s the truth though. You don’t earn any money, I know your husbands money is divided between you but you don’t actually earn any money.

Fuck sake. What an opinion to have.
I am sorry you are driven only by money.

Cakeandcardio · 04/12/2025 21:08

You are getting some harsh comments. I can see why you are miffed. But also, from an impartial perspective, see that he was probably trying to treat you too. I think it would be one of those things that seems annoying now but in a year, would you still be annoyed? If you feel you will be then there's time to change it. If you feel you can accept the kind gesture as it was meant to be and just enjoy the treat then that would also be lovely. I am a (very!) highly strung person and I am trying to let things go a bit more so I know it can be hard when you are annoyed xx

Bowling4soup · 04/12/2025 20:51

I think it doesn't matter if your names on the label or not the kids would still make a comment like “well it says it’s from mum but actually we all know it’s was dad who paid”

I think it’s awful your children all talk down to you like that. Have a stern word that you will not be accepting this any longer

Dweetfidilove · 04/12/2025 20:49

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 21:08

Yeah I prob should have put that in the post. I think it’s a genuinely lovely gesture and if our household dynamic was any different it probably wouldn’t bother me. But I already feel invisible, unequal and feel this will amplify this. The kids make snide jokey remarks about how it’s dads money not mine and has dad paid my wage yet. They’re joking but it’s been constant for about 4 years. When we go on holiday they ask if I’m getting holiday pay etc etc .
then the other week my hubby was telling out Austic teen off for being really loud on a morning whilst getting ready for college and they said “ only mum was in bed and she isn’t important as she doesn’t work” I know they meant as in I could go back to sleep if I wanted but it’s how it comes across when said. Whenever I have to speak to them about money, if I’ve bought something and they aren’t looking after it for instance, I’m reminded how dad bought it not me. It isn’t constant and it’s kinda done in yesterday but it’s happening enough that over past 4 years it’s worn me down- add his parents to the mix and gradually over the past 4 years they’ve stopped referring to our money as ours and as his and only thank him when we go out for meals if we take them on holiday. The kids always forget to thank us both and just thank him- I feel
petty for reminding them. But it hurts and I feel this will just add to it. My hubby doesn’t view me as less equal a was happy to speak to his parents for me but I feel it will be awkward as I have a really good relationship with them. 2 out of my 3 children are neurodivergent so don’t have much filter. But my hubby is absolutely impulsive and doesn’t think before he speaks of acts sometimes and contributes by making decisions before speaking to me about stuff.

How do you respond when these ingrates speak to and about you like this?

ZeldaFighter · 04/12/2025 20:45

I had a mini shouting rant in the kitchen yesterday because my husband made some remark about contributions. We met at our Russell Group University and we both worked full time until kids. Our salaries were virtually equal and then I became a SAHM. I wanted to and we had no family or free childcare opportunities so it would have cost a fortune when the 3 DCs were small.

After 8 years full time parenting, I'm now an 0.8 FTE and he was moaning about helping cook tea. On the day I had been onsite for an 8 hour day with a 2 hour round trip commute.

I told him you lost respect for me when I stopped earning money despite you only progressing your career off my unpaid work in the home. He looked sheepish and muttered. SAHM mums are completely underappreciated and it's a large part of the gender pay gap.

OP, I see you and I hear you. The gifts undermine your contribution, despite the goid intentions. I would speak to him before Christmas Day and explain how this has made you feel.

Libra24 · 04/12/2025 20:45

I think the whole dynamic needs consideration.

Your husband needs to not only speak to his parents but he needs to join you in facing down the way your teens are diminishing you.
I wonder if you stopped doing what you do for them, they would value it more? Suddenly no lifts to school, uniforms washed and appeared in their usual places, suddenly a chore rota - whatever it takes for them to see that your labour is actually visible to them. And as part of the conversation perhaps a nice description of how life would be different of you did go out to work instead of worked in the home.

Either way. It's so disrespectful and you are going to feel like crap because you're letting yourself be treated like crap.

Dust yourself off and make it stop today. I wouldn't care about the thanks from parents to be honest, but I would be disappointed if my husband never once pushed back gently and said, we are both happy to treat you or something similar.
He might be lovely to you but is he lovely about you to others? My husband corrects my mil when she thanks him for a meal I have cooked, it's easy to do ....

Partypants83 · 04/12/2025 20:42

Arlanymor · 02/12/2025 20:59

It's nothing to do with the presents then - it is to do with how you feel about your status in the family given that you don't do a paid job, but you do perform a crucial role. To be fair to all the posters - this is a fairly massive dripfeed and if you had explained this from the start, we all could have understood better.

As I say, this is nothing to do with presents. There is a much bigger issue with how your family - including your children - view your contribution to the household, which doesn't to be financial to be important. Time to address this?

Show quote history

Well said. This.

JillMW · 04/12/2025 20:36

I would be miffed too! It is as if he has decided to take control of gift giving.

Benjithedog · 04/12/2025 20:30

Suednymph · 03/12/2025 19:47

Youngest is 15, what exactly are you doing all day every day? If you got a job you would earn money and contribute to gifts and not have this feeling that you do not contribute financially, your husband demanding you do not work so you can go on holiday at the drop of a hat would have to work around your working holidays and pull his weight at home finally. I think you have it cushy and should be happy he has spoiled all of you but clearly YOU are not happy with your situation so the one way around it would be to go back to work yourself and let hubby and teens help out with the housework instead. Maybe then you may feel more appreciated by them.

I do ‘t think the OP wants to venture back into the workforce.

ALJT · 04/12/2025 20:22

Is it just me who thinks this is lovely of him? I’m sure the kids wouldn’t think it was just off him

Lights22 · 04/12/2025 20:21

FrodoBiggins · 02/12/2025 22:23

Why would your kids thank you both for paying for a meal when it's his money which paid for it?

They should thank you for stuff like doing their clothes washing or whatever but it's a bit mad imo to think they should thank you for his wages!

Because he can only earn this money thanks to his wife doing everything else. It is her salary too.

Noglitterallowed · 04/12/2025 20:21

Him just desperate to know what the gift is! I’m just nosey though!

in answer to your initial question though I think you’re being a little over sensitive and just go along with the surprise and appreciate he’s done a nice thing. If you’ve got access to the money too then maybe do the same and do a little surprise for everyone yourself

Scottsy200 · 04/12/2025 20:19

Yeah I’d be pissed too, I guarantee you as a Mum you do the majority of the “mental load” stuff and general chores etc so basically you get to do most of the grunt work which you probably get zero recognition for all year round and now a surprise you discussed giving the kids “together” has been taken from you too. You have every right to be annoyed

Wildefish · 04/12/2025 20:18

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 20:12

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ).
fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him.
judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad.
AIBU? Should I say something now?

Perhaps he wanted it to be a surprise for you as well as the kids. Also, it was his new job so dies it matter if it comes from him. Just my thoughts it really would bother me.

RoxyRoo2011 · 04/12/2025 20:15

He did a really thoughtful, wonderful thing. He wanted to surprise you all after a crappy year. I think YABU. You’re annoyed because you want the credit but that’s really not what gifting is about. Just drink in the happiness on Christmas Day.

Bestfootforward11 · 04/12/2025 20:09

I think re the gifts your DH is just trying to give a nice surprise to everyone, including you and perhaps hasn’t thought through the implications.

But I also think he needs to step up and tell your DC in no uncertain terms that they do not speak to their mother in the way they have been. It is disrespectful and unacceptable. Your DC are developing an internal narrative that work in the home is of little value which will impact them in any future relationships. Your DH needs to be modelling to them how important your contribution to the home is on a daily basis.

Missj25 · 04/12/2025 19:10

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 02/12/2025 20:15

Don’t ruin a nice surprise.

Exactly .

Tuesdayschild50 · 04/12/2025 18:44

Thank him in front of your kids ... quietly maybe after Xmas speak to him about how this made you feel.
Then speak to your 3 children together and make them understand how important your role is and has been as a their mum.
Tell your husband to tell the kids that they need to get some respect and quit they way they are speaking to you or how they view you.
He told his parents he can tell the kids I wouldn't put up with this.

Mcoco · 04/12/2025 18:32

I think it was lovely OP that your husband wanted to surprise you all. The fact it says santa on the tag is really sweet and hopefully your husband will say its from both of you. My husband buys gifts for our kids as he travels a lot and buys them surprises throughout the year. He does tell them its from both of us. I work part time and I am able to buy them gifts too just not as luxurious! I personally find part time work a joy in all honesty. I can earn some money and in the afternoon have time for all the mum jobs too!

OneBookTooMany · 04/12/2025 18:20

Next year, tell Hubby to find a better Cubby.

OneBookTooMany · 04/12/2025 18:20

How careless of him to put them in a cupboard that has to be pulled out so that you could access the plug while he was away and the door should come open. I mean, what are the chances.

Unwrap them and send them back and then spend the refund money on a lovely spa day, preferably on Christmas Day.