Page 2 | To be miffed by hubby actions

Tacobelle111 · 2025-12-02T20:12:18+00:00

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ). fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him. judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad. AIBU? Should I say something now?

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 05:05

3luckystars · 02/12/2025 21:41

It’s the truth though. You don’t earn any money, I know your husbands money is divided between you but you don’t actually earn any money.

That's actually none of the children's business though, so they shouldn't be nasty about it. They should be grateful they had their mum at home and the benefits that brought them.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 05:02

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 21:08

Yeah I prob should have put that in the post. I think it’s a genuinely lovely gesture and if our household dynamic was any different it probably wouldn’t bother me. But I already feel invisible, unequal and feel this will amplify this. The kids make snide jokey remarks about how it’s dads money not mine and has dad paid my wage yet. They’re joking but it’s been constant for about 4 years. When we go on holiday they ask if I’m getting holiday pay etc etc .
then the other week my hubby was telling out Austic teen off for being really loud on a morning whilst getting ready for college and they said “ only mum was in bed and she isn’t important as she doesn’t work” I know they meant as in I could go back to sleep if I wanted but it’s how it comes across when said. Whenever I have to speak to them about money, if I’ve bought something and they aren’t looking after it for instance, I’m reminded how dad bought it not me. It isn’t constant and it’s kinda done in yesterday but it’s happening enough that over past 4 years it’s worn me down- add his parents to the mix and gradually over the past 4 years they’ve stopped referring to our money as ours and as his and only thank him when we go out for meals if we take them on holiday. The kids always forget to thank us both and just thank him- I feel
petty for reminding them. But it hurts and I feel this will just add to it. My hubby doesn’t view me as less equal a was happy to speak to his parents for me but I feel it will be awkward as I have a really good relationship with them. 2 out of my 3 children are neurodivergent so don’t have much filter. But my hubby is absolutely impulsive and doesn’t think before he speaks of acts sometimes and contributes by making decisions before speaking to me about stuff.

That's not on. Your husband needs to pull them up on that. It's probably because housewives aren't as common as they used to be. You and your husband need to get on the same page here, as your children shouldn't be disrespecting you whether you are a housewife or a CEO.
Do your children do chores? If not, maybe get them cooking and cleaning.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 04:45

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 20:43

Wow - ok - the kids are 15 upwards and non believe in Santa just for the record.
so it would be blatantly obvious it’s just from him if I’m surprised aswell.
I guess I feel somewhat left out of the large present giving. I’m a housewife so don’t earn any money and already don’t feel valued as equal to him in our teens eyes with stuff they say and way they behave. His parents also treat our money as his and not mine. They thank him only when we pay for meals and take them away on holiday. Makes me feel invisible and demoted in my own marriage. I gave up my job so he could go smash his and I could ensure the kids had a stable parent at home constantly and somewhere along the line I’ve been seen by all as on par with the kids not the hubby. Hubby doesnt view me that way but is aware how I feel. I suppose I kinda feel like this action when he knows how I feel will amplify that. It’s not that I want the credit- but I don’t believe big gifts should be just seen as just from him and not both of us. He could have told me about the kids and suprised me with mine.
I think it’s wonderful he wants to suprise us.

Sounds like you are suffering from low self esteem which isn't unusual for housewives, especially as the children get older. Maybe it is time for you to start looking ahead and finding something to give you a boost. Even a p/t job can help and if he is a high earner you maybe able to keep that money for you to treat yourself and family as you please.
Or something else that will give you a lift.
Your children probably appreciate you more than you realise but you are just feeling restless, which is typical at your stage of life.
As for your in laws, they are older generation so don't take that personally.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 04:34

Yesimmoaningaboutbenefits · 02/12/2025 20:32

Did everyone just miss the part about 3 teens? I've yet to meet a teen who still believes in Santa!

I think he's just doing that so he doesn't look like he's taking the credit because he already knows how OP would react to that.

notallwhowanderare · 05/12/2025 04:32

You very definitely NEED to get a job and your own money.

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/12/2025 02:29

@Tacobelle111 I think it's time you got yourself a part time job - not for the financial input, but so that they start to see what you actually do around the house and for them.

Drop the rope a bit, and have some serious talks 'Dad can do x, because I do y, it's part of working together as a team. It isn't the only way to maintain a relationship and raise kids but it is the way we're doing it.'

Asides from anything else, they're being fucking rude and liable at this rate to grow up thinking someone else will do their washing, pick up their pants, do all their life admin, without any appreciation for that time and effort!

Start them doing some of their own chores - laundry, vacuuming, washing up/emptying dishwasher etc.

Go out to a part time job a few times a week, ideally when it means they'll need to fend for themselves a bit more - teach them to cook and then set them up cooking for each other/themselves/the whole family.

Having a part time job that you enjoy, gets you out of the house, thinking about something else, interacting with other people and being seen as a human in your own right rather than just Mum or Wifey is also good for your mental health.

TediousMansplainer · 05/12/2025 00:53

I don't get this, I agree with OP but it seems nearly everyone else doesn't? Woman wants to make a decision about something together with her husband. Instead, husband takes decision himself, without consulting her. Why would she not be annoyed, that's not how it should work surely (I am a man, if that is relevant).

BarbarasRhabarberba · 05/12/2025 00:04

VegemiteOnToast · 04/12/2025 23:57

How nasty towards your mother.

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I hold both parents in equal contempt.

VegemiteOnToast · 04/12/2025 23:57

BarbarasRhabarberba · 04/12/2025 22:22

Well if they’re anything like me they won’t change how they feel. I’m in my 30s and my mum stayed at home till I was in primary school then worked part time on and off in low skilled, badly paid jobs. All I see when I look at my parents is a misogynist twat who can’t boil an egg (dad) and a pitiful idiot who lost any kind of choice and autonomy (mum). I don’t feel an ounce of gratitude or respect towards her for staying home or towards my dad for earning the money. I think that dynamic sets a terrible example tbh of men holding all the financial cards and that wrongly exempting them from household chores and parenting, and women always putting themselves last. If my partner was a SAHP and we had kids in mid-late teens I wouldn’t tolerate that either. But then I’d never think that having a job meant I needed a stay at home servant. You need to go back to work for your own sake.

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How nasty towards your mother.

VegemiteOnToast · 04/12/2025 23:55

The presents are from you both (given your contribution to the house and your husband's career) and should be labelled as such. I just put stocking gifts as Santa gifts for teens.

Your husband also needs to verbally intervene any time one of the kids makes a disparaging remark about you and what you bring to the home. It's outrageous behaviour by the kids.

OP as long as you are fulfilled too and get to pursue hobbies, see friends etc and aren't just a slave to your family it sounds like it suits your relationship to have one SAHP.

LeopardPants · 04/12/2025 23:02

Muffinmam · 03/12/2025 03:11

There’s zero reason that you shouldn’t be back at work already. You don’t have young children and no one is special needs.

It sounds like you resent your husband.

Also, the gift isn’t from you. You don’t earn an income. It sucks - but that’s the way it is.

Your almost adult children would have no illusions as to who funded the gifts.

You need to spend less time on mumsnet and more time focusing on re-entering the workforce.

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What a rude and bizarre response!!! If they can afford for her to not work and it suits their lifestyle then why should she?! Because people like you are jealous of those that actually don’t need a job? As a reminder - the vast majority of people work to earn money… Not for the sheer love of it. Of course there are some exceptions. But if you don’t need the money and it suits them for her not to work then why should she!

Doesnt come across to me like she resents her husband at all.

Regardless of whether she works or not, the kids sound rude as fuck. They need to address that asap.

oobedobe · 04/12/2025 22:44

The present issue is slightly separate - sounds like he just wanted to surprise you all, but there is no way your kids and DH should be disrespecting you and the role you play in family life.

I work part-time but am essentially a SAHM, my DC or DH would never 'joke' or suggest that our money is DH's or he pays for everything - even though that may be true - we are a partnership. You need to teach your kids (and possibly DH) to appreciate and respect YOUR contributions of time, organization, support etc

Rosealea · 04/12/2025 22:37

He wants to surprise you too. It's a lovely thought and you can easily say in front of the kids that you'd discussed it.

IamnotSethRogan · 04/12/2025 22:34

To be fair, from what you've said, they wouldn't have thought it was from you anyway?

I just think he was trying to do a nice thing for all of you. Feels harsh that due to your hang ups you'd be annoyed about that.

Curryingfavour · 04/12/2025 22:33

I see where you’re at , your children ought to have a bit more respect for you because I’m assuming you’re doing absolutely everything for them and around the house .
I ended up being at home and not earning for multiple reasons .

youngest of 4 is disabled
no real support network
no paid help
multiple house moves many of them overseas where I wasn’t entitled to a working visa so couldn’t work then
moved around to different parts of the UK too and had to start all over again settling kids in , setting up home again. And yet all I have done / do is completely invalidated by certain people

latenightscrolling · 04/12/2025 22:31

I’m struggling to see the difference it would make if you had an agreed jointly to do this and hand over the wrapped 3 kids gifts (and not open yours) or open 5 together. The attitude is ingrained that ‘Dad buys stuff’ and gets the credit. So I’m genuinely confused as to the difference!

BarbarasRhabarberba · 04/12/2025 22:22

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 23:53

Thank you. I had never realised just how much people look down their noses at housewives and SAHM.
your right- if I hadn’t stayed home and done what I do we wouldn’t be in this privileged financial position we are in now. My hubby loves to work and I love being a mum. This works for us day to day. With having 2 out of 3 kids neurodivergent it’s not been easy.
the kids don’t seem to see all I do and the sacrifices I’ve made to ensure they had a stable parent at home and weren’t spending majority of time at childminders when we could afford for that not to have to be the case. To ensure I was at every sports day, every school play, able to go into school and help listen to kids read and help out on school trips etc, be there at every school pick up and drop off and be at home when they were sick and every school holidays.
I just hope that although they don’t see it or appreciate it now that as they grow older and mature they do.
I’ve tried speaking to them about how they make me feel but tbh their quite dismissive and pass it off as me being over sensitive being peri meno and ridiculous and their joking and don’t really feel like that- although our middle child finished with but in fairness you aren’t equal though r u as you don’t work and earn the money so you aren’t equal to dad. Which was hurtful. I dont tolerate disrespect but when it’s passed off as joking it’s not always easy to deal with as I end up coming across as the unreasonable one. It’s extremely frustrating. Hubby has told them and explained to them whilst we’ve all been there how I contribute and how he couldn’t do what he does without my support and what I do. But it doesn’t seem to sink in. It’s more the subconscious that bothers me. Like forgetting to thank me for stuff we buy together or holidays we pay for as a team. It’s done subconsciously and that’s hurts. I don’t believe his parents do anything nasty. I believe it’s subconscious as we have a great relationship. But somehow the subconscious hurts more than deliberate. He’s offered to deal with them but tbh it would be awkward and wouldn’t actually change their underlying views of subconscious feelings and it hurts knowing subconsciously they feel that way even if they don’t realise they do.
my plan was always to help my kids with their kids if they couldn’t afford or didn’t wanna stay home ( it’s not for everyone ). Inbetween them leaving and having kids just enjoying lots of holidays and spending time with the hubby. He’s a great man and I believe his actions are lovely and from the heart- I just feel large expensive presents should be from both parents and not just one - it’s not so much about the present as the message underneath it.

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Well if they’re anything like me they won’t change how they feel. I’m in my 30s and my mum stayed at home till I was in primary school then worked part time on and off in low skilled, badly paid jobs. All I see when I look at my parents is a misogynist twat who can’t boil an egg (dad) and a pitiful idiot who lost any kind of choice and autonomy (mum). I don’t feel an ounce of gratitude or respect towards her for staying home or towards my dad for earning the money. I think that dynamic sets a terrible example tbh of men holding all the financial cards and that wrongly exempting them from household chores and parenting, and women always putting themselves last. If my partner was a SAHP and we had kids in mid-late teens I wouldn’t tolerate that either. But then I’d never think that having a job meant I needed a stay at home servant. You need to go back to work for your own sake.

MaeTeekay14 · 04/12/2025 22:22

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 22:14

What’s stopping me is that I do everything here so my husband can purely concentrate on everything work wise. He works away a lot.
if I went back to work he would be expected to contribute to the housework and he wouldn’t have the time. He has a stressfull demanding job. We are able to go away on holiday every school holiday and weeks in between on our own now they’re older if we choose to. If I went back to work I wouldn’t have that much holiday to do that.
I could very easily go back to work - but financially we don’t need it and our lifestyle would change drastically. I did go back to work for 3 years about 10 years ago and it simply didn’t work for the lifestyle we wanted. He hated the fact we couldn’t go away whenever he wanted and he really doesn’t want me to go back to work.
honest answer- that’s why!

Then you need to stop being so ungrateful and just crack on. You could work but opt not to as your "lifestyle would change drastically"

You're projecting your insecurities on to him which is completely unfair. It's also one of the most first world problems I've heard in my life. There are parents who can't even afford to buy a pair of socks for their kids at Christmas and you're complaining about who's name is written on a flipping tag 😫. Be thankful that's all you have to worry about mate, I'm sure once you're jetting off on one of your 6000 holidays next year, you won't even remember the dreaded big present label saga.....FFS

lessglittermoremud · 04/12/2025 22:17

People will judge you for choosing to stay at home so that you can fully support your husband and enable to do whatever he wants to.
I think you need to decide you are either happy with how your set up is or given how you are viewed by your own children/relatives and resent not being included in this present giving scenario deep down you might not be quite as happy with it now as you were when the children were smaller.
You are solely reliant on your husband to give you money and despite managing everything household/children related you are really seen as a second class citizen by everyone bar your husband because it suits him to have you at home sorting things out.
If you are happy with your home arrangements then you can’t really complain about this gift giving, he obviously wanted to surprise everyone.
Whilst your set up wouldn’t be for me ( I choose to work part time so I have my own money) your situation shouldn’t be judged, your job has been your family but now it’s unappreciated most of those closest to you and you seem to resent your lack of standing within your own household.
The comments about you be able sleep later if you get woken up because you don’t have to get up to work etc are pretty disrespectful and is probably the tip of the iceberg on how your children view your lack of working, one of my children is autistic and blunt but on my days off he wouldn’t dream of making a racket and then saying it didn’t matter if I got woken up, because he knows I get up and I’m out the house at 7am on the days I do work. Anyone who joked about Dad paying holiday pay, my wages or anything remotely similar would be getting short shrift from me and I’d also expect my DH to point out how much ‘staying at home’ involves.

swingingbytheseat · 04/12/2025 22:09

TheatricalLife · 02/12/2025 20:21

He was trying to be nice and surprise you, obviously. Don't ruin it. Being offended is silly and overly sensitive. He's even labelled them from Santa, it's not like he's playing Billy Big Bollocks.

🤣🤣🤣

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/12/2025 22:06

I would suggest that now is the time that you stop doing their washing and cooking their meals. Stop buying the Xmas presents for his parents. That sort of thing.

Explain to DH how their dismissal of you has made you feel and do it with his knowledge.

This isnt about the gifts, I think that was his attempt to do a nice surprise for the family but it has just further played into how you feel that the family view you.

Give it a couple of weeks and suddenly "mum doesnt work so she isnt important" wont be said anymore.

user1492757084 · 04/12/2025 22:06

Your DH needs to step up and correct the teens.

Tell them to not speak or think in such a disrespectful manner about their Mum. State that you are one team together earning the money and keeping the family humming - that you both agree who has which role and that you are both equal in value.

Doesn't your husband respond in a way that shuts his parents down. "Oh, Op is the reason that I can work the hours I do and we both enjoy spending some of our hard earned cash on eating with people we love."

It's a lovely surprise, Op, about the gifts.

Also if you wish to seek employment and your own money, I would keep the job from the children and the inlaws. They have no right to judge you - working or not.

Benjithedog · 04/12/2025 22:04

Kittyloulou · 04/12/2025 21:46

You should at least get a part time job as it doesn’t sound as though you’re being valued at home and a job would give you self esteem. It would also make you a contributor to society rather than just a consumer.

I don’t think the OP has any intention of doing this

m00rfarm · 04/12/2025 22:01

So go back to work - and then you have your own money.

Kittyloulou · 04/12/2025 21:46

You should at least get a part time job as it doesn’t sound as though you’re being valued at home and a job would give you self esteem. It would also make you a contributor to society rather than just a consumer.