5 yo prefers Mum putting her to bed and has massive meltdown if Dad's turn

So for five years you’ve equally split all of the bedtimes and now she has suddenly developed a preference for you? Is she unwell or brewing an illness?

They flip between the two of you in my experience, they will come a time when it will be all about the other x Try not to worry, I used to get terribly upset when this happened, convinced myself I was rubbish parent and they didn’t love me, but as time has gone by I have see how it flips every few months or years. We decided on a routine to manage it and it seems to work well: daddy puts DS to bed Monday, Wednesday and Fridays, mummy puts DS to bed Tuesday, Thursday and Sundays with him being allowed to pick whoever on a Saturday.

We had something similar around 3 and doing bedtime and bath time every night was wearing me down, so my husband took over and did them all for a few weeks and made them super fun and pleasant and didn't take long for her to obviously prefer him doing them :) We also do bedtime together sometimes as we juggle with the younger one, e.g., one does bath, one does books etc.

Hi OP, we sort of go with what our little wants to keep peace here. I do all the bed times and baths - omg. She is 1 so still in nappies and thinks it’s the best thing to have me run after her to change her - every night it tahrs me about 2 hours. I work full time too. She just ways me to do it but she prefers his company when it’s dinner/breakfast. So we just go with that and it’s less exhausting than exerting our will. My rationale - which could be wrong - is that if I am her comfort at night/bed time then it is what it is. We all know she will grow out of it eventually. It’s like I go from one job to another as I have nothing to give once she is finally asleep and she has started sleep regression so once she is down I know I am going back there in a few hours so can’t even just unwind!!!

I’d be going for a walk personally. Give them plenty of warning that you won’t be around for bedtime though.

Mine wouldn’t scream or shout about it but openly will say “ no dad, just mum” and has openly said I’m the favourite etc.
personally, I’d change things up now and again. Dad will get you ready for bed, I’ll do story but I have to do X first, next time leave them to it, then another night, I’m going to get you ready and then dad will come and read the story.
its tough going sometimes but rather than the fights/screaming etc sometimes just a little bit more reassurance that you’re still there is enough.
mine now 6 and much more willing for dad to do more which I’m pleased about for all of us!

I think its best to get the dad and daughter to spend more time together.

This. Otherwise, if you are ill or need to do other things she will be too dependant upon you and it will be a major issue.

This is so, so common.

She will grow out of it.

Realise this doesnt help you much now.

Children often have a preferred parent but I am willing to wager money that she would settle just fine with the her Dad if you were not at home.

So, make yourself conspicuously absent on his nights.

She is at an age where she is trying to exert some control over her life and routine. I think you need to do all the bedtimes in return for say dad doing all of some other activity for which he is her favourite- ie he gets her breakfast every morning, or taking her swimming, or doing the homework, or going to the park/for a walk or doing a dance session.

Equal parenting doesn’t mean everything must be done in turns, and you do need to start letting your child have input into the who, how, what, and when her daily routine goes.

I know she is dysresulating in these moments, but we can;t see a way through managing and she seems a bit old for these kinds of meltdowns. She was 5 in Oct and is very bright. Second one of these scenarios this week.

She's just turned 5?

She's very little.

And it has yet to be proven that bright children are any better at emotional regulation; indeed, they're sometimes worse.

I think you are just expecting too much.

I’m incredibly sorry to say this, and please think before responding. But what is the father doing at bedtime with his daughter? Is anything making her unhappy? Is there any possibility he is abusive? None of the replies so far have even considered this. I was ‘put to bed’ by an abusive older male relative when I was tiny. I did everything I could have done at the time to get out of it. I was seen as ‘making a fuss’ or generally being difficult. I didn’t even know what he was doing. I just knew I hated it and wanted to be safe. Everyone trusted him. No one wanted to listen to me.

Think this is really normal. If I’m available my DD4 wants me. If I’m not she’s now fine with her dad though until recently she would still cry briefly at bedtime saying she missed me. So I go out, he does bedtime. Or she’s fine for him to be with her if I need to put DD1 down before her (usually sleep at the same time) and sometimes then falls asleep with him there. But she gets beside herself if I don’t put her to bed and could, I suppose it’s like a rejection, like I don’t want to put her to bed. I think that’s a hard thing for a child of their age to understand.

My DD3 doesn’t want me to put her to bed, only her dad. I’ve just accepted it and he does it 🤷🏼‍♀️ no point trying to fight it. If he’s away or out she understands and lets me though, just kicks up a bit of a fuss along the way.

My son used to do that, only wanted daddy to do it. No help, he switched over at some point!!

Mine were always like that when I did bedtime. They get used to what they get used to. Keep persevering and don't play into favouritism.

You cannot make mum a punishment bedtime! Just accept you don’t have to divvy up parenting by a rota. Be flexible and dad do something else with her at weekends, for example.

We had this with our 3 year old. I just went out at bedtime and she generally didn’t kick off as much when I wasn’t there.
She might still sometimes say she wants me to put her to bed when it’s her dad’s turn but I just say no I’m putting her older sister to bed and she accepts it in the end.
He is definitely way more fun than me at bedtime so I can only assume I’m more comforting to her

If she has just turned 5, has she recently started school? I think with all the change they can be a bit clingy. I wouldn’t make too much of a big deal of it, I think enduring making Dad take her is to give connotations of that being a negative experience that will be hard to shift. If my little one gets like this we find that making Dad take them in a fun way helps, ie you can go to bed with Mummy now but straight to sleep, no chatting etc, or Daddy can take you and you can play in your room for 5 mins together first, read favourite book with silly voices etc, so Dad going becomes the ‘fun’ option. Doesn’t always work, sometimes after school they are overtired and just want Mummy, and that’s ok too

Don't let her dictate.

go out

Can you leave the house while she is going to bed and see if you have the same issue? Often if they know you are not an option there won’t be the dramatics

Start going out in the evening...for a walk / run / to do the shop / anything useful or enjoyable for you.
She'll eventually stop when she realizes the tantrum doesn't achieve anything.

Getting her to sleep is more important than whose turn it is.
For now she wants mummy....so give her mummy.