To quit my job and lose a ton of money/salary?

The MP will do absolutely sod all.

Why does the hardball have to be with your employer and not SS / the state who are being saved an enormous headache by having a suitable and loving kinship carer step up?

Sure look for a more flexible job if it suits you at your leisure, but don’t sacrifice yourself now.

The thing is, once you've decided that the job will need to go, it oddly puts you in a stronger position.

What do you have to lose by playing hardball with them? Take a week off sick if you need to in order to see how you really feel without the stress you are currently under.

Start making a paper trail. Decide what you want. Is it a step down and fewer hours. If so then fill out and submit a flexible working request.

You sound like an asset to them. Fine, you may not be able to do your current role but don't let them off the hook completely. Negotiation is easier when you are not worried if you lose! Push hard and if that doesn't work you still walk away with nothing lost.

I think you do need some work for you. It is important to retain a sense of self beyond parenthood.

First is to ensure that all communications with SS are in writing preferably sent by registered post or backed up email copies to folder. Make sure you also write and send them a summary of all verbatim face to face communications / chats.

Tell them that you won’t be giving up your job as in your judgement your career is necessary for your own wellbeing and financial security and that of the children you’re now responsible for. Tell SS when and how often you will be available for meetings and say you won’t be able to accommodate their requirements outside that. As you’re now responsible for children as a single parent they’ll appreciate that you need to reserve some employer goodwill for being off when the children are ill etc.

Can you afford a good nanny? You need someone who can look after the children when mildly ill and will give you some flexibility. Additionally what about an older teen, student or aspiring primary school teacher neighbour’s child / other contact. They can be very useful after school as help to pick kids up from school and assist with homework or kick a ball around in garden even a couple of days a week. A babysitter who becomes a familiar face to the kids is very valuable. Have plans a, b and c in place as soon as possible.

It may be worth bearing in mind that the threshold for removing children even from very neglectful homes is very high. So SS may be cross that you won’t give everything up to fit in with their requirements or timetable but it seem highly unlikely to me that you pushing back will result in you losing custody - certainly not without warning.

As others have said, take advice from relevant charities / people in similar position but don’t be bullied into sacrificing your future. In my view it’s better for the kids to be brought up by a working woman in a good career than on benefits. Certain better for you

Is the IRO not concerned?

Maybe if you gave the SW some push back about them making your life difficult >> impossible and putting the onus back on them to come up with solutions so that you can manage all of your obligations.

Longer term, it is in the children’s best interest to stay with you. Therefore SW has to find a way to help make that happen: do the children also attend the meetings?

OP, would your company be open to a constructive dismissal claim by not facilitating you?

Have you spoken to ACAC about this, or lodging a Grievance with the company?

I really think giving up a career you love is a lot.
You need legal advice.

This. You are doing an amazing job at every level and you have to prioritise yourself too. The financial impact on the children and yourself long term will be significant. You need to keep your job. This is a short phase when children are young...its over in a flash. You will be able to provide them with a very different future with money behind you. There has to be a solution here. You are amazing.

Presumably you’ve had to attend LAC reviews where all these concerns about how you’re managing will have been brought up? What have they concluded?

Apologies for the addition to my a ready long winded post above. But someone upthread mentioned writing to your MP. I think that’s a decent bet. But I wouldn’t focus on an inflexible employer - harsh though it sounds, ultimately they’re a private business and your family situation isn’t their concern. But social services are publicly funded. And there’s no way that someone in your position, who is stepping up to take care of others (and let’s face it, this will save the public purse a lot of money) should be put in a position by social services where she is unable to keep her job. I think that’s the line to take (and they’re the people who are likely to jump with an MP’s letter across their desk).

OP I am in awe of you and also shocked by your situation. How many meetings do you actually need to have with SS? I’m suprised it is so many after a year!

I’n not underestimating the challenges of fostering 3. But from the perspective of an adopter, we got minimal support and that seems to be typical. They should be doing everything they can to make things easier for you, not harder.

The SW making judgmental comments about most fosterers not having other jobs may be the case, but they likely have made more active choices rather than an unexpected kinship situation arising.

If you do end up leaving, I'd suggest you set up self employed / freelance to do bits and pieces to keep your hand in and avoid gaps in your cv

My experience with SS is entirely at the other end - dealing with elderly people - so that’s a huge caveat. But my advice to you would be to play hardball. Your posts are full of “they won’t”, “that won’t work”. In your position, I would tell them exactly what you will do. If that’s all meetings on your day off, then that’s what you lay down. In my experience, social services are the most manipulative organisation I have ever come across. They have the “oh - but how are you?” patter, but ultimately, they do not give a shit about you, your life - or anything other than getting those kids off their books and into a decent solution. And they’ll play on your love and familiial loyalty to get that done at their convenience. But you hold all the cards here, because you are the best solution. So tell them - coldly and unequivocally- what you will and won’t do. Any pushback and you have to say “ah - well then that won’t work and you’ll need to find another option”.

I know I sound awful - but I’ve had first hand experience of this with my own mother. And it is hard because you do end up sounding like a bitch but these people are not on your side. My friend got to the point where she had to tell them she would make her elderly mother homeless if things didn’t change. And of course, as soon as she said that, they did, because it would be a lot more cost and hassle to find a local authority home for a dementia patient than to send in carers once a week as she’d asked for for years. I suspect yours is a similar situation in that respect.

You sound like a magnificent woman and I wish you and your family the very best of luck with it all.

I would gently suggest that the stress of very little money will likely be far worse than the stress you are currently under. In your position I would prioritise your job over SS meetings and only attend is you are not working. SS should be supporting you far better.

OP does not have parental responsibility for the children so isn’t eligible for parental leave.

I think that you’re right that balancing the two things isn’t going to be possible long-term, and that the longer you do it the more chance there is of you getting burnt out to the point that you can’t do either well.

I’d start by taking some time away from work to have a good think. This could be sick leave or unpaid parental leave or holiday. Just give yourself permission to use that time to look at options.

It sounds like you are relatively senior and so I’m wondering whether some sort of freelance/consulting role would suit you better than an official 4-days-per-week? Is there any part of your role that is niche enough that you could offer to continue to do it for the company? Charge about 50 percent more per hour than your current salary, and offer the same to a few other organisations. Only charge for the hours you work so you can do 9-11 social work meeting, 11-3 work, 3 onwards with the kids.

Alternatively pp have suggested looking at new part time roles and I think that’s very sensible. If you were on 2 days a week it would be a lot easier to push back against social work meetings those days, and also much easier to ask your employer to swap your days. Charity is a good suggestion for an area for looking for this.

It really isn’t this simple in the real world.

Many children who are in care find family time incredibly distressing and difficult to manage emotionally. OP is their safe person - you can’t just pop them in a taxi and expect them to manage - they don’t just need transporting - they need HER.

Likewise all the suggestions of nanny’s, helpers etc. The children need OP, as their consistent attachment figure, who they can learn to trust and rely upon to meet their needs always no matter how bad a day they’ve had. An employed care giver could walk away at any moment and that would be so damaging to children who have had the trauma and loss of most children in care.

And it’s all very well saying insist it’s on your day off - but there are umpteen other professionals diaries to also work around and they will have court hearings they have to attend, their own non-working days, 20 other children’s carers and meetings.
What about mandatory training - should they run a 1-1 session on Fridays for OP, when they provide it for a group on Monday? It just isn’t realistic sadly.
OP should absolutely be making clear to them how hard things are and asking for help to make it work - but there also has to be some reality about the situation. The SWs aren’t just sitting in the office drinking tea all day on her day off to make her life more difficult.

What a heartless way to speak about a real child, who is the OP’s family and she has loved and cared for the past year.

@SparklyLimeHair, I do feel for you here. What a difficult situation.

I don’t want to offer any advice, I just wanted to share that this happened to a colleague of mine. I don’t think she was as senior as you, she was a lawyer with a full time case load though.

She did end up quitting to care for her nieces after her sister died. Like you, she tried to juggle but it was too much. I would say my employer was more supportive than yours but at the end of the day we are running a business.

I heard on the grapevine she is now working again but part time in a lower stress job. It took her a few years to get back into work though.

I’m not sure how helpful that is but I wanted you to know you aren’t alone in finding this a very hard balance.

Bloody hell. Nothing further to add. Just wanted to say you are amazing. To unexpectedly take on 3 kids. I have 3 and know how hard it is and i had mine one at a time. And I didn't work. You are doing something very special for the children
I hope you find a way to take a sabbatical. Good luck.

@SparklyLimeHair one more thing on work benefits - couple of friends had firms with long term sick insurance, and drew half salaries for years that the insurance paid. It’s really work considering. I know as a high flier this won’t be your style (both friends were too but forced into it by circs).

fwiw - I’d kick it as far as I could in the org too, and make it clear that you’re in a tough spot but in two to three years you’ll likely be on top of all of this and we’ll able to commit again to work. I assume you’ve got a number of years under your belt with the firm…even a commitment that they’d interview you for anything vaguely suitable in a few years might be something.

Have you considered requesting parental leave? I believe it applies if you have legal responsibility for a child. You can request four weeks unpaid leave per year, per child. Maybe before deciding to resign, apply for 12 weeks (4 weeks per child). It may give you some space to get caught up, see how you manage financially, see how much you miss / don’t miss your job, before making the decision to resign.

www.acas.org.uk/parental-leave