To quit my job and lose a ton of money/salary?

@SparklyLimeHair I know you can't, and it's frustrating seeing posters implying that if you're not 'forcing' social services to do what you say that you're somehow weak - that's not how it works! In my LA if someone resolutely wouldn't change anything about a full time job to commit to fostering, the LA wouldn't be throwing money at them, they'd be rethinking the placement. Regardless of how difficult it might be to find someone who could take a sibling group of three.
I think the idea to get signed off with stress is a good one. I don't know employment law so I don't know if you would have a case but given your employer has refused to allow p/t for childcare, I do think it's worth exploring through ACAS as to whether there could be any grounds for a discriminate case (women being much more likely to be carers than men)

Don’t quit. Your work situation is not sustainable but do not walk away.
I think you need to reframe your mindset around your employer- they do not deserve any loyalty from you and you need to do what’s best for you.

On Monday I would get yourself signed off sick with stress caused by your home situation. Self certify for the first 5 days and then ask your GP for a fit note. I would not be surprised if they sign you off for a month- I have seen up to three months in exceptional cases.

Then contact ACAS and / or an employment lawyer.
In your situation whilst on sick leave I would:

Ask for a referral to OcHealth so they can advocate for you in terms of adjustments; their role is to mediate between the employee and the employer so they should be fair and unbiased.

Put a flexible working / sabitical request in writing and make your employers decline it in writing.

Lodge a grievance citing your situation vs adoption policies and parental policies.

Your employers lack of support and flexibility is shocking and to my mind their actions are leading to constructive dismissal- however that would involve an employment tribunal which are currently delayed for months / years, so instead I would be aiming for a settlement agreement or for the accommodations you need. All of the above will at best get what you want or at worst move your employer towards an exit agreement whilst you cart on getting paid for a couple of months.

Good luck

I wonder whether it's worth pointing out to the company that, should you adopt them, you will at that point be entitled to adoption leave whether they like it or not. However it is now that you actually need the time, and you would love to be able to come to some arrangement with them to have some leave of some sort now instead.

Fostering is a job. It requires ongoing training, it requires availability and flexibility, and that's what social services are paying for and continuously assessing (fostering allowance and fostering standards) I don't think everyone suggesting that the OP 'be more assertive' with social services realise that social services essentially have a contract with the OP and are able to expect certain things as part of that contract. There are other options that don't require as much from the OP (SGO, CAO) though she has said that there are specific reasons they can't be considered (it may not be OPs decision; an SGO usually requires parents to consent, or a court be absolutely sure that a parent isn't going to improve -with such young children that's hard to rule out)

OP it's entirely understandable that you are struggling, you've done well to hold things down for this long and I'm sorry that your work are being so shit about it. I don't think a senior level job and fostering are compatible, especially with three. I do think it's worth seeing if you can get any legal advice about whether there's any discrimination here, but ultimately I do think it would be worth looking at whether you could look for another role that is less pressure or fewer hours (hopefully both!)

A lawyer would be able to advise you of your statutory obligations and negotiate with both social services and work to improve things for you to make things more manageable

Do you know when all the training will be complete and when the meetings will be less frequent? Because if you could get some timelines, it would give you something to go back to your employer with to try and appease them.

Fair enough, it didn't come across like that as helpfulness doesn't usually put someone down at the same time. Perhaps it was just poor phrasing.

OP do you want some advice from someone who gets it ?

Leave your job. Right now you are needed elsewhere.

I know that all the advice on here comes from a good place but the majority of it is absolute pie in the sky , and you will be heading for a breakdown if you carry on.

Plenty of people have unforeseen circumstances that mean they have to give up their careers, it really isn’t the end of the world.

I was trying to be helpful. I think this is all too much for OP and she may be better off with someone advocating on her behalf - possibly a lawyer - who can stand up to both social services and work x

OP, maybe it is time for a three way meeting between your lead SW, a representative from your employer and you.

Put the onus on the others to understand your work load, the money you are saving the Govt., the value you give to your employer, your employer’s social responsibility and, most importantly, the life you are potentially offering your nieces/nephews if you are able to care for them and stay in employment ?

If you give up your job and have to raise the children on Foster payments, you and they are likely to lose your/their home and have to downgrade. Not only that, you will be less fulfilled as a substitute parent because you will have given up your career to look after them and may come to resent that.

This is a societal problem not just yours. Both Children’s Services and your employer should be supporting you; tell them to find a solution.

Come on now, OP is in an extraordinarily difficult situation, I'm not sure this very helpful. It's like saying oh your husband died? You're a CEO, I would expect you to be more stoic. It doesn't matter what someone does as a job, they are still human beings.

@SparklyLimeHair I'm sorry to hear it didn't go well. I hope you can find some peace whatever you decide.

Do NOT quit your job until you've sought advice from BOTH ACAS and an employment solicitor. I'm wondering if it might be better for you to be let go (which sounds like it might not be too far away anyway). You are not entitled to job seekers allowance if you quit. Please do some research and get some proper advice BEFORE quitting.

For someone in such a senior role, you're not coming across as very assertive. Is there someone who can advocate for you?

The thing is, OP doesn't need another fight on her hands. Making an enemy of social services isn't a good way to go as a fosterer. You have to be able to collaborate. They are professionals just like you (may not always seem like it), so try to see them as equals like your corporate colleagues at work - but be clear you expect to be treated the same. You organise things to suit both diaries, etc, etc.

In regard to lifestyle, taking on a ready made family after presumably some difficult circumstances, is huge. Equivalent to a life changing injury, moving to another country, etc. IMO you simply can't carry on at work with your current job. If there is no flexibilty, you have to leave, or you will end up being both a bad employee and a bad mum through being pulled apart. The children deserve a carer who has capacity to care for them. Social services need to help you get to that place without becoming destitute. You have lots of skills, you will find other work and be able to build a career back, but you can't carry on with the current track. The only way to do it (for typical families) is with outsourcing, nannies etc and that is just not an option for fostering.

There are pro's and cons of fostering rather than SGO, you do get the ongoing support and money from SS, but it seems you don't get access to the statutory leave/ parental flexible working. I suppose that's because many fosterers make a choice to do it, as a job. You wouldn't expect an employer to give you flexibility to do another job on the side. Of course your situation is different. I hope you find a way to make it work.