To tell DS17 he shouldn’t come with us to Florida next year.

My dd has Autism and spoilt holidays for us and her brother (( who also has Autism )) for years.

Following a meltdown of epic proportions she didn't come away with us for years, I made the decision that one person doesn't get to decide how much enjoyment three other people are going to have........I started taking her away with us again a few years ago (( we go away a few times a year )) and after a shaky start where the behaviours started creeping in which immediately resulted in her not being invited on the next few trips things have markedly improved. This has benefitted dd as well as us.

So no. I wouldn't take him and I'll tell him why. He'll thank you for it one day !

I would not wait to January to talk to him properly. He keeps bringing upthe US trip since getting back from Belgium. He wants to talk about it. It’s weighing on his mind is my take. Reassure him he doesn’t have to go to US:

My autistic young adult, I suspect, would be difficult if travelling with an aunt to Belgium. Mine would be bored and uninterested.

@Landlubber2019 Maybe you should read Ops posts before commenting - she clearly says that there are only 4yrs between DS and his aunt (who must therefore be 21?) and they grew up together, sounds like they are more like siblings. Presumably he agreed to the Belgium trip, didn’t have to be taken there kicking and screaming?

Sullen sulky and difficult or a teenage boy struggling with ASD and mental health issues?

OP sometimse happy family holiday just doesn't fit the family.

I have an adult DS with MH difficulties and was very like your DS at this age.
He was extremely well aware that he was causing difficulties around family holidays, he felt very guilty, sad, self hating because he couldn't fit in or meet the expectations as he felt them.

People don't choose to have ASD or MH problems, and although that impacts the family, the sufferer can't just change themselves to have no anxiety, become neurotypical.
I feel very sorry for this young man. He probably feels quite wretched about the whole thing.

During my DS's teenage years we worked out ways of everyone enjoying some holiday time, but usually not together, and not in the traditional sense.
So my teenage daughter and I enjoyed some fantastic girly holidays in Greece, I took my son camping in the wilds, he and his father went to Budapest for a few days- both interested in the history there. OH and my daughter went to Silverstone for a few days to watch racing.

This teenage boy needs some compassion.

I'd plan a bit more formally with him, to gain objectivity.

If this were a school/college trip, they wouldn't be able to just leave him behind unless all reasonable adjustments were in place and would still not keep him safe.
A risk assessment supports the process, helping to identify, assess and address the risks.
Identifying risks and addressing these, is part of helping him to become more independent in his adult life.

Is there anything available, to support your planning, from one of the charities for Autism?

ETA to add a starting point. www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/going-out-leisure-and-travel/holidays

You have to talk to him when he's calm, and put it to him as a question that in no way comes over as you not wanting him, or making the decision for him.

Talk to him calmly about what it will be like and ask whether he will enjoy it.

My autistic young adult, I suspect, would be difficult if travelling with an aunt to Belgium. Mine would be bored and uninterested. The aunt, may not be used to dealing with him full time and struggle to accommodate his needs. This sounds challenging all round.

However going to America will be different, the climate, participating in activities he enjoys you just need to make accommodations. Uninviting him is mean, he is part of your family and it may have long term repercussions on your relationship with him, but also may negatively affect the relationship he has with a sibling, who does face the same challenges if he is uninvited.

Unfortunately you booked a holiday that suited your needs but not his and this is on you but you are where you are.

I would say he needs to be included and you need to support him with the challenges he will need to overcome, travelling etc and accommodating him with some downtime when necessary.

DD16 AuDHD travels really well now. She absolutely loved Florida. Have you thought about some online coaching for him over his anxieties?

I know what you are going through. There is no point ‘sitting him down’ as you may as well talk to the actual chair as he just won’t listen.

If your gut is telling you he will ruin the holiday, you are probably right. Do whatever you need to do and all the very best to you, I completely understand and it hurts x

Crikey - some of these posts! I'd be more concerned about the state of his mental health than any other considerations.

Only the OP knows him really well and whether he would be better off staying at home with his grandma.

I'd leave him home and no I wouldn't feel bad about it not if his just going to ruin it for the rest of you sorry but asd isn't an excuse for being a shit

‘Sullen and sulky men ..”
Wow.
The young man is autistic !!!

@Kickinthenostalgia

Im wondering... If you have current holiday insurance... You may well be covered for this...

Years ago a youngster I worked with had a significant increase in his mental health issues and it would have caused massive stress to be away 'in holiday' . We got a GP note.

The Bast majority of the money was reimbursed.

I think as it seems best if he doesn’t go, you’d be better having the conversation soon while the overwhelm of Belgium is fresh in his mind.

It’s such a difficult one. My ND DD thrived in the American South last year, coped way better than I was expecting, but the US overall is a complete sensory overload on many fronts. And agree with the comments about border control and TSA agents. I feel for you.

If he doesn’t go, could you change the name on the tickets and take your sister instead rather than lose the money?

Just make the whole Florida trip sound so unpleasant he proactively opts out. Start really talking up the hot dogs with Cheez Whiz, the Frito Pie, and the Rainbow Sheet Cake with aerosol whipped cream. Mention how you'll be sending your afternoons at the shooting range. Maybe plan a marathon of Travels in Trumpland With Ed Balls. That way DS happily stays home none the worse and you get the trip you really want, guilt-free.

@Kickinthenostalgia

My assumption is that by 'Florida' you mean either WDW or USO.

I haven't been to USO, but have been to WDW multiple times. WDW has a very good system for guests who are ND and their staff is well trained, including the wait staff, and there are so many different eateries at WDW, I'm sure your DS will find something that appeals, even if it's the fresh fruit stands. And there is Sunshine Seasons and Garden Grill, both at Epcot, who use fresh organic produce grown right at WDW. If he goes on 'Living with the Land' he can actually see it being grown as well as the fish they farm there.

If DS decides he wants to go, I'd suggest you stay 'onsite' at one of the WDW hotels. Yes, it costs more, but you'll be 'in the bubble' and much less likely to run into a 'Trump lovin', gun totin' Floridian'. As a life long native born Californian, I was dismayed at a PP claiming to be a Californian doing such stereotyping. We're not all 'lefty commie hippies' here and Floridians aren't all Trumpers. Yes, there are MAGA there, but by and large the people we've dealt with in Florida have been pleasant, friendly, and professional. And usually just as anxious to keep politics out of the conversation as we were.

If you're going to USO, I'm sure they have something similar, you call always call them and ask about accommodations for your DS.

Given what’s happened in Belgium, I agree that it’s best he stays at home with your Mum.

We don’t always take holidays as an entire family, DH has taken each child on separate long haul trips, for example, based on what suited them at the time. If your DS isn’t enjoying traveling right now, perhaps you can treat him to something else special next year, instead of this holiday? Something related to an activity or hobby that he particularly enjoys, for example.

Treating children equally doesn’t necessarily mean doing exactly the same things with them.

Don't even know why you're second guessing yourself.
OP you have permission to leave him in the care of your mum where he would be happier, safe in his own home and familiar routines.
The rest of you, have a fantastic time and enjoy yourselves. You've been caring for nearly 18 years! You deserve a long break.
Some people like everyone to be miserable and self sacrificing, allow that!
Have fun!

I might perhaps be too late, but I’d feel bad if I didn’t say something.
I’m an American citizen in California.
The people in Florida have guns.
Many of them carry those guns.
Most people in Florida are very pro-Trump.
If your son were to pop off at an armed MAGA Trump-supporting person with poor impulse-control, things could end very badly.
I’d never want to tempt fate.
I don’t know why people don’t just come to Disneyland in California and fly over Florida altogether.
Have a safe trip and lots of fun. ❤️

You can't uninvite him, obviously, that would be absolutely horrendous.

But you can put the question to him kindly and carefully wouldn't it be better to be able to stay home and not have all the hassles of the trip, would he prefer that? He will probably jump at the chance to avoid it.

I'd also like to advise you, while I am not American, a ton has changed since July and a ton more is more than likely going to change before you guys come to visit.
And this is not the presidency / administration to have in power if you are even the slightest bit anti-American, vocally, attitude, or anything on your social media. That is a small percentage but it is still something that the American border guards can check if they wish to as you are entering the country, either as a random check or if they get a suspicion that you're being difficult, they can check your phones, your laptops, check your social media, check your emails, and if they find things on there that speak poorly of their administration / president, well, it won't be good for you. They can send you right back again. They've always had the right to do that, this is not a new thing, but they're exercising this right a lot more in the past 11 months.
Not trying to put a scare tactic out there, just letting you know that this is a real thing.
You really really have to keep your mouth shut and your nose clean if you are preparing to travel to the US these days. And if your son can't do that because of his ferris cognitive/neurological / behavioral difficulties, then this is not the place to be visiting at this time, he'll put all of you in danger of being refused entry. I'm not kidding. It may not be statistically an exceptionally likely thread, but it is one.

Do you not realise that many people with ‘high-functioning’ autism are unable to go to uni or hold down a job… or even to live independently?

I would say, do not let him go.
Yes, he loves roller coasters, but honestly, there are other places in the world to go to to ride roller coasters. He don't need to go to Florida which is like, #1 Trump land... And you say that he's already super triggered by the idea of Trump. So, Florida definitely not the best place to be visiting.

In the new year, there's going to be even more changes for visitors, You're going to have to get your photograph taken when entering the United States, that started December 1st, your son's going to feel like he's getting a mugshot taken and he's not going to like it.
Guns are legal all over the States, but Florida's a pretty big gun state, and if your son's against that too, he ain't going to like it.
And the food? I'm not saying you can't get good food while you're on vacation in the tourist areas of Florida, but there is an awful lot of American comfort food aka fast food aka North American food and yet, if he's against that, he's not going to like that either.

Probably best to give it a miss. If it's like being on eggshells when your son's on vacation with you because of his various difficulties and opinions when you are in a country other than America, and you're planning on going to America which he's already against the government, the president, the food, the gun laws etc, you're just better off not bringing him.