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Original poster

To tell DS17 he shouldn’t come with us to Florida next year.

157 replies

Kickinthenostalgia · 02/12/2025 17:16

as a family 4 we booked to go to America in April but I’m hugely regretting it now. Ds17 has asd and is somewhat getting harder and harder to deal with whilst out. He’s absolutely fine at home but whenever we go places it’s just so much aggro, he didnt fancy our caravan holiday so didn’t come with us this year and I feel guilty in saying this but it was so much better. No issues, no arguments, no meltdowns, no stepping on eggshells. We thought he’d really want to go to America and he was really excited, until he wasn’t but is still talking about going. He absolutely hates trump, keeps saying he’s not eating American food because it’s full of chemicals, he complained when we did our Estas, about them having all the information on him etc. I’m wondering if he doesn’t want to come but doesn’t want to tell us in case we are mad about the money.

The last 2 days have been a nightmare for me and DP as well as my sister who’s bearing the brunt of it. as he’s currently over in Belgium with my sister and he’s barely left the hotel. I called him earlier to ask him if he’d like to come home early and he told me he didn’t feel safe and now my sister has said he hasn’t even gone for food this evening . I feel bad for her because she’s having to cut her holiday short( for which I’m reimbursing her) also she’s been doing everything solo which wasn’t was she thought she’d be doing.

I honestly don’t think he will manage in America as he’d most likely feel more unsafe over there. I also don’t want him ruining it for dd13. If we cancel the whole holiday it’s one not fair or DP or dd as they’ve never been, and we stand to lose a lot of money, where as if it’s just him then the hit won’t be too bad. I feel guilty as he’ll even thinking about this but I don’t want him distressed for 2 weeks because it will make everyone else feel awkward. But he absolutely loves rollercoasters and has been talking about the Florida ones for years. I want to sit him down and make all the points very clear. I’m really not sure what to do for the best 🙁

OP posts:
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Burnnoticed · 05/12/2025 14:56

He might decide the food, journey etc are worth it for the rollercoasters. You can sometimes get special assistance at theme parks too, to help with queuing

Workingwell · 05/12/2025 11:27

Actually, reading back OP’s posts, everything she has described is autistic behaviour and overwhelm. She has wondered if he doesn’t want to go on the holiday now but is worried about telling her because of the money lost —that does not sound like an inconsiderate, badly behaved person to me.
He is trying/deciding to do things and then finding them too much for him it seems. That is the issue. OP says he’s okay at home. I think the holiday plans might have been over ambitious for the family tbh.

Workingwell · 05/12/2025 11:13

Viflax · 05/12/2025 09:55

So the OP's DS isn't accountable for his actions and behaviour and how he treats others?

Show quote history

Yes he is, but his behaviour won’t be that of a neurotypical person and society needs to stop expecting it to be. Anxiety and fear regarding the holiday seem to be huge issues here, and you can’t just make them go away easily.

It will affect the wider family because he struggles with things they don’t and that will obviously have an impact.
Autism isn’t poor behaviour just because it’s impacting on others.
I think people get confused about that sometimes.

(There may be poor behaviour as well, but a lot of what OP describes above is anxiety about things others find straightforward and that is very typical of autism.)

SilverPink · 05/12/2025 11:03

Viflax · 05/12/2025 08:03

The USA is a perfectly normal country to visit on holiday. I went this summer.

Show quote history

Me too. The hyperbole around visiting the US
is insane on here sometimes.

Viflax · 05/12/2025 09:55

Glamba · 05/12/2025 09:08

I know, what's the world coming to? My friend's son has cerebral palsy. I've told her she needs to raise the child to walk but she insists on giving him a wheelchair. He'll never learn that way. Lazy, feckless parenting.

Show quote history

So the OP's DS isn't accountable for his actions and behaviour and how he treats others?

Glamba · 05/12/2025 09:08

magentafox · 05/12/2025 08:12

When did we abandon the notion that parents need to raise children who can both enjoy fulfilling lives and be useful members of society. I despair.

I know, what's the world coming to? My friend's son has cerebral palsy. I've told her she needs to raise the child to walk but she insists on giving him a wheelchair. He'll never learn that way. Lazy, feckless parenting.

Sartre · 05/12/2025 09:04

It’s probably unfair on the rest of you if he does go because it sounds as though he won’t enjoy it anyway and will make it miserable for you, as he has for your sister.

You need to have a frank discussion with him. Explain that you won’t be mad or bothered about the loss of money, that you want everyone to have a great time but if he’s uncomfortable going and thinks it won’t be fun for him then it’s probably better he stays behind.

Imdunfer · 05/12/2025 09:00

It's got lost pages back so I'll repeat. Please be aware just how much this could cost you if your adult looking son says something inappropriate at border control or to any law enforcement official.

What happens if he answers wrongly at inbound border control and none of you can proceed to your holiday destination? Heaven forbid you need a lawyer but it's not beyond reasonable doubt, and will cost you an arm and a leg.

If he insists he wants to go I think I would have to tell him that you cannot insure the risks as long as Trump is in power.

Genevieva · 05/12/2025 08:59

If you won’t get the money back then there is no hurry to make a decision. Give him control of it and the approximate deadline by which you need to know.

Legobricksinatub · 05/12/2025 08:54

Staringintothevoid616 · 05/12/2025 06:30

I’m not sure why you booked to go to America atm, even the Americans I know say it’s not safe to visit.

But your DS sounds like he has a lot going on other than your family’s holidays. I would be taking him to the doctor, some of his behaviour is concerning, paranoia, fear of going out etc. what’s more it sounds like it’s spiralling. He sounds a very scared young man. I would be reaching out for help rather than leaving him behind

You seem very critical, even over the length of time he takes to make a sandwich. This could be a sign of his executive function being challenged. This can happen when the body is in a state of fight or flight.

Everything is screaming mental health problem. If he’s still at school reach out there, if not go to the GP or reach out to Mind. This is about more than your holiday

Edited

They already know he is autistic,

Legobricksinatub · 05/12/2025 08:51

He doesn’t like the change and uncertainty. Telling him about the impact of behaviour he can’t help on others won’t change the behaviour but will make him feel worse. You need to develop a plan for your time in America - what you will do each day. Find photos to put in the plan so he can see what is going to happen. This includes places you can eat or get food that is not ‘full of chemicals’. Yes you lose spontaneity but should gain a calmer son and that is better for everyone. You also need to ensure there is space in the day for him to decompress away from crowds - Disney have maps that identify such spaces. Also take a baseball cap, sunglasses and headphones with you for him to tone down the environment.

Disney as a company is much more democrat supporting.

wizzywig · 05/12/2025 08:38

GarlicRound · 03/12/2025 15:20

Two of my friends are banned from the USA, following meltdown incidents at border control. I understand Orlando International offers sensory assistance services, no idea what they're like but you would need to book them in advance.

This has shocked and saddened me. Was this recently?

wizzywig · 05/12/2025 08:34

If you're not white, then he will really need to keep schtum at the airport.

HarryVanderspeigle · 05/12/2025 08:23

I would have the conversation as soon as you can. All this talk of American sounds like he is already obsessing and dwelling on it. He might be worrying about telling you he doesn't want to go due to the money already spent. Clear the air now and have a good Christmas.

magentafox · 05/12/2025 08:12

When did we abandon the notion that parents need to raise children who can both enjoy fulfilling lives and be useful members of society. I despair.

winterbluess · 05/12/2025 08:05

Staringintothevoid616 · 05/12/2025 06:30

I’m not sure why you booked to go to America atm, even the Americans I know say it’s not safe to visit.

But your DS sounds like he has a lot going on other than your family’s holidays. I would be taking him to the doctor, some of his behaviour is concerning, paranoia, fear of going out etc. what’s more it sounds like it’s spiralling. He sounds a very scared young man. I would be reaching out for help rather than leaving him behind

You seem very critical, even over the length of time he takes to make a sandwich. This could be a sign of his executive function being challenged. This can happen when the body is in a state of fight or flight.

Everything is screaming mental health problem. If he’s still at school reach out there, if not go to the GP or reach out to Mind. This is about more than your holiday

Edited

Not safe how?

Viflax · 05/12/2025 08:03

Linenpickle · 05/12/2025 06:47

America is no less safe than the uk…..

The USA is a perfectly normal country to visit on holiday. I went this summer.

Staringintothevoid616 · 05/12/2025 06:52

Linenpickle · 05/12/2025 06:47

America is no less safe than the uk…..

Seriously????

Linenpickle · 05/12/2025 06:47

America is no less safe than the uk…..

Staringintothevoid616 · 05/12/2025 06:30

I’m not sure why you booked to go to America atm, even the Americans I know say it’s not safe to visit.

But your DS sounds like he has a lot going on other than your family’s holidays. I would be taking him to the doctor, some of his behaviour is concerning, paranoia, fear of going out etc. what’s more it sounds like it’s spiralling. He sounds a very scared young man. I would be reaching out for help rather than leaving him behind

You seem very critical, even over the length of time he takes to make a sandwich. This could be a sign of his executive function being challenged. This can happen when the body is in a state of fight or flight.

Everything is screaming mental health problem. If he’s still at school reach out there, if not go to the GP or reach out to Mind. This is about more than your holiday

MyOtherProfile · 05/12/2025 06:05

I just don’t want to be the one to tell him he’s not going because I know how I’d feel if my whole family went on holiday without me.
I want it to be his decision

Have you had the conversation with him now to find out his decision?

Original poster
Kickinthenostalgia · 04/12/2025 23:21

bumblingbovine49 · 04/12/2025 10:41

I am so sorry Op, this is exactly like my DS who is 21 now. As he has got older he just is not very happy away from home for more than 1 or 2 nights at the very most . We have cancelled or come home from at least 4 holidays in the last 3 years.

I honestly don't know the answer. He is ALWAYS keen to go when a holiday is first discussed, but when it comes to the time to leave, anything abroad has become almost impossible to do and even if we get there, the holiday is pretty awful generally unless he can do exactly what he wants, which is often stay at home and do all the thing he does here (ie play on PC and PS4 and listen to his regular podcasts, use his trampoline etc)

We planned a driving trip to Brittany one year when he was 17 as we had taken him to France before when he was 10 and said he had fond memories . I was surprised by this as my memory of that hoiday was that he was OK but that he had not really love it and had been very happy to come home but anyway he chose all of the places in Northern France he wanted to visit. Most of them historical and archeological sites, his special interest at the time. We planned a whole tour with accommodation around the sites.

Luckily we knew our son by then and DH booked only places on Booking.com that could be cancelled close to the time. The riots that happened in Paris a few years ago put paid to that. We were due to leave on te Sunday and on Friday when I explained he needed to start thinking about packing and gave him the list of this things to pack etc, he looked shocked and said he didn't want to go to France because of the riots and he felt unsafe . No amount of explaining we wouldn't be near Paris could help and in the end we cancelled the trip, luckily we only lost the deposit (c £200) on the ferry with all the accommodation being fully flexible and cancelled without costs.

We considered going alone but it was a 7 day trip and frankly the holiday was not something I wanted to do for me so we just cancelled and booked a 4 night stay in Devon at the last minute. We had to come home after 3 nights though as DS was so unbearable the last day. The first 2 days were fine though

We don't have any other children so the decision is a lot easier but nowaday I go on long haul holidays with my friend/cousin once a year. Luckily DH is not that bothered about holidays and hates flying etc so he stays home. We plan a few 2-3 night trips in the UK with Just DH and me, (with DS happy at home) or with all three of us but without fail, DS wants to come home after 2 nights away. Our trips with DS have to have very specific things in place and we have to be happy to leave him at home alone in the hotel or cottage to do things if DS does not want to do what we are doing. Once we accepted all that, things got easier.

People will say we let him win but we have been on many many holidays with DS, both abroad and in the UK. The first time we flew to the US for a six month work trip for DH when he was a newborn. He has been to Italy (multiple times as family there), France, Spain, Majorca, the US, Ireland , The Isle on Man (family there) and many many UK breaks with us over the years including camping, hotels, self catering etc

Holidays with him were always hard work but I thought if we kept going he would learn to like them. Unfortunately as he grew older and had more control , he just made life more difficult than he had as a child as it is much harder to get a teenager or adult with ND to do something they don't want to, than it is a child. None of his behaviuor was deliberate, it was just due to anxiety but really a holiday which is more stressful then your nomal life is really not worth it to me any more. Not after almost 20 years of it . I have given up on holidays with him at all really and have much lower expectations when we plan the odd 2-3 night UK break with him.

In your place I would let him stay home if he is not anxious about that. We had a couple of breaks where he was so anxious with my sister staying with him for the odd 1 night break DH and I took (when he was about 14-15) that he was constantly on the phone to us - sigh!

Enjoy your holiday and let him stay home. That is my advice though I know not everyone will agree

I have no qualms with him staying home, he has a fantastic relationship with my mum, tbh she’ll hardly see him. He can cook for himself he just takes ages to do so… sounds dramatic but takes him about 20 minutes just to make a sandwich. I just don’t want to be the one to tell him he’s not going because I know how I’d feel if my whole family went on holiday without me.
I want it to be his decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kickinthenostalgia · 04/12/2025 23:16

StruggleFlourish · 04/12/2025 09:54

👆

So many commenters are acting as if DS just would have difficulty with the flight or coping with over excitement while there.

He's 17, next year might be 18, considered a legal adult, he's going to America which if you've been paying attention, is changing daily in terms of what they will accept and not accept with their own citizens let alone anyone from anywhere else.

DS is extremely outspoken. It's not that he doesn't travel well or that too many sights and sounds overwhelm him,
He is politically outspoken and extremely opinionated about American politics, American president, American guns, American policies, about food additives etc. It would be extremely difficult to get a neurotypical opinionated young man (or anyone else) who's used to voicing his opinions because there's no consequence (at home in a safe place) to keep their mouth shut 24 hours a day for the entire trip.
I know.
I have people like this in my life and getting them to shut up in a situation where they absolutely must shut up is very difficult.

This isn't about suggesting coping strategies for the young man during travel and what would make it easier for the family. This is about taking a neurodivergent young adult who is extremely outspoken and opinionated and vocal and known to be disagreeable when he doesn't get his way to a foreign country who at this time does not much want foreigners (who are critical of their ways) entering their country.
Not a good time.
DS can stay home, rest of the family go do your trip and enjoy it, (just of course, keep your heads down, mouth shut, eyes open, and any verbal discussion you want to make about life in America, do so when you're safely back on home soil.)
This is not the place for your son to be visiting right now.

Show quote history

Not once did I say he was outspoken, he’s told me all of this and mentioned it as home. he’s pretty quiet and masks infront of people, especially strangers. So I can guarantee he wouldn’t say a word about trump whilst there. My issue is he said he didn’t feel safe in Belgium, that’s why he didn’t leave the hotel, he complains about American food so I’m not sure how much he’d eat. Generally over here he’s very good with food, actually for an autistic person he actually doesn’t really like beige foods.

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 04/12/2025 19:12

OP, I think you'd be fine to leave him home in his safe space if needs be, so I'll not labour that bit.

Regarding the food, I have an AuDHD child with lots of issues with food too and when we go to Florida we take a suitcase full of food with us and stay self catering.

Last time we went we took 2 loaves of bread which we froze and took out as needed, breakfast cereal, Jacobs crackers, snack biscuits, granola bars, lunchbox malt loaves, mini bread sticks, cordial etc etc

We got organic milk (no hormones added), plain Greek yogurt from trusted brands (mostly organic) and we bought lots of organic fruit and veg (or you can clean standard fruit and veg with white vinegar, water and bicarb that you could buy there or take with you).

Oddly enough mine is also still fine with McDonalds chicken nuggets and fries so there was a lot of McD's or Chicken salads for tea, cheese and crackers for lunch, and lots of snacks and toast or sandwiches!

Viflax · 04/12/2025 18:51

UsernameMcUsername · 04/12/2025 18:35

I'm not an American, but someone talking loudly about much they hate a country's politics, food etc while visiting that country isn't going to go down well anywhere! Also plenty of European countries have policies or attitudes which would annoy the hell out of British Progressives - but no one cares because most Brits know nothing about them. And there's places like Dubai....

Edited

There are many issues we have here ourselves. I'd hate if a tourist came here and said our entire country was shit.

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