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Original poster

To get him the bare minimum for Christmas?

111 replies

JollyStreet · 02/12/2025 16:12

My DS has full custody of my grandson (14), he works as a HGV driver and obviously isn't home all the time so he moved in with me (only an hour away from where he was living) but on days my son isn't working he goes back to my son. Or that was the plan.

He started a new school in January, he was previously in private school (that I paid for) but lost his place due to behaviour. He's now in a state school and probably not one of the best but that's the only place we could get him in, if he didn't lose his place he would still be attending. But he acts like everyone else is at fault.

He's had at least one day a week off since September, sometimes more just due to him refusing. When he's there he misbehaves, he's had over 100 behaviour points (negative) since September. It's not a sudden change either as he was like this last academic year too.

His behaviour isn't limited to school either, I found out he watched violent porn, he was adamant it wasn't him but he's the only person with access to his phone bar myself and my son, he's managed to get around it anyway and now deletes his search history.

He started going to a youth club and in the summer I found messages between him and a girl that also attended, I'm unsure how old she is I think about 15. She told him she was pregnant, myself and my son spoke to him and he denied it, he said they hadn't even had sex and she was “obsessed” with him and a bunch of misogynistic rubbish. I notified his school but she doesn't attend so there wasn't much they can do, they haven't said much about the school refusal either, just he needs to be in. They don't have very good pastoral staff.

I've tried early help but it isn't “severe” enough so they closed the case.

When my son once tried to get him in by taking his things he hit him, he lied about my son hitting him and he threatened to report him as he had bruises. So its hard to push to much as I believe my son didn't do it but I don't think social services or the police would think like that and he could lose his job etc. So I'm worried about pushing him too far. He's started refusing to go back to his dads because he just wants to play on his PC, here.

He hasn't been in since Thursday, I took his phone last night due to other behaviour and he stole some wine and drank it all (either half of it or just under half, in unsure on how much was actually left) and he asked what it feels like to be stolen from. This isn't the first time he's stolen alcohol and perhaps it was my own fault for having it in the house.

There's more but this post is long enough, I'm thinking of just getting him the bare minimum for Christmas like shower gel etc and nothing he's asked for and nothing “fun” due to his behaviour but I don't know how reasonable that would be as it's Christmas. His birthday is a few days after too but I have a feeling he won't be grateful for anything he receives. I'm doing all the Christmas shopping for him including from my son but he's giving me the money.

Also, please don't say he needs to go back to my son, it's just not possible with his work as he's sometimes away for days at a time.

OP posts:
Jumpingthruhoops · 04/12/2025 01:48

JollyStreet · 02/12/2025 20:43

My son can't get a new job that easily, it's easier said than done. He does want to spend time with him but grandson has been refusing.

I doubt he'll be grateful for anything we buy him, he ruined our holiday in October by complaining the whole time.

I've told him he needs to go to school and actually behave or he'll fail his exams but his response is he doesn't care. I'm at my wits end with him

Not sure why you've asked this question: you seem intent on painting this 14 year old as the bad guy, despite what anyone says.

Your focus is on what material things to buy/not buy your GS for Christmas - what he really needs for Christmas is a parent! If his mum isn't in his life then his father needs to be. The End.

WiltedLettuce · 04/12/2025 01:12

This boy has been failed by his parents on so many levels already. Why rub salt in the wounds?

Eenameenadeeka · 04/12/2025 00:40

With that big list of ongoing issues, Christmas gifts are the least of your worries here. This child is obviously really struggling, not having his Mum in his life and getting little time with his Dad. Punishing him won't teach him to be better, it will make him feel worse - and then behave worse. He needs more support.

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 04/12/2025 00:24

I would try and make Christmas a really lovely memory for you all. Dad will be around and it might just be the thing that makes this young boys life make a bit more sense

Okiedokie123 · 03/12/2025 23:58

Poor lad. Seems to me he feels utterly miserable and as is it’s not worth bothering to excel. His dad needs to sort out a different job and focus more on his son not dump him on you. His mum is absent and he feels not wanted by his father too I imagine. Plus you too maybe.
If you weren’t available to offer him a home his dad would have to sort something else out because the only other option would be put him in care.

Apocketfilledwithposies · 03/12/2025 23:27

Is your son actively searching every single day for a job that would he's around more for his child?

Why isn't his mum in his life?

He sounds very unsettled and unhappy and I can see why.

TBH I'd not let him choose to stay at yours when his dad isn't at work. I'd explain to your son and grandson that the schedule will be stuck to, if dad is at home, he can be there with him.

deepseaargyllfish · 03/12/2025 23:21

it would really help to know where mum is and why she isn’t involved. This sounds desperately difficult for you, @op

It’s not at all fair that this has landed on you.

Original poster
JollyStreet · 03/12/2025 23:14

Bump

OP posts:
RudolphTheReindeer · 02/12/2025 23:09

Have you posted about him before? He needs support not punishment, like you were advised last time.

summitfever · 02/12/2025 22:50

And as is typical in these situations you’re doing nothing but defend your son, who is abandoning his son and causing this distress and unrest. You and my mother in law would get on well. Stop making excuses for him and tell him to get his son picked up as soon as his shift is finished and not drop him off again until he’s on the way back to work. And to parent him in between. Poor kid. I’ve got a full time job and two teens whose dad is a nightmare and caused all sorts of problems resulting in them derailing. All i do other than work is spend time with them. That’s what parenting is. They now know they’re safe away from him and I have two of the calmest teens I know. Your son is the problem here and you are enabling him. Don’t punish the kid twice.

Iloveagoodnap · 02/12/2025 22:37

From an outside perspective looking in it sounds like he is craving attention and love - possibly because of whatever has happened with his mum. Has he had a very unstable young childhood? That can sometimes cause problems in the teen years.

I think you need to have a chat with him when he is in a good mood. Explain the house rules and why you have them. Talk with him about boundaries around computer use and why you don’t want him on the internet all the time - bad for his brain development, he sees things he isn’t old enough for, he doesn’t want to go to school because of wanting to be on his computer etc. I would put the computer in the living room and also put settings on his phone that turns it off at a certain time each night, or make him leave it downstairs at a certain time. If he won’t go to school then he would have consequences such as the cables being taken out of the back of the PC so he can’t use it while he’s off school. If he drinks your alcohol then don’t buy more. Or have a secure locked area for it.

When he is at home with you try to encourage things like board games and movie nights. He might seem like he’s trying to act older than he is but he’s likely craving your time and attention and any time you can give it to him while he’s being ‘good’ will be so much more helpful than the negative attention you often have to give him. Regarding Christmas presents I wouldn’t tell him you’re buying him less but I probably wouldn’t go overboard.

I also doubt it’s helpful him living between two homes. Either your son leaves his job and commits to having his son at home with him or it would be better for your grandson to know his home is permanently with you.

I do have some idea of your difficulties as I have two teenage foster sons and I appreciate things must be very tough for you all right now x

Jk987 · 02/12/2025 21:52

I think he’s acting out because he’s had trauma. He must miss his Mum. What happened?

searchforthesun · 02/12/2025 21:23

@JollyStreet
a Job where he can parent his son. This shouldn’t fall on you.

Kibble19 · 02/12/2025 21:22

Can you say what the story is with the boy’s mum? It’s not typical that a child wouldn’t have their mum in their life, except in pretty extreme circumstances.

schoolfriend · 02/12/2025 21:17

Who gives a fucking shit about Christmas?

Coka · 02/12/2025 21:12

Umy15r03lcha1 · 02/12/2025 21:03

I'm amazed how many posters aren't paying attention to your query.

Yes, get him the bare minimum.

I think no-one is paying attention to the query because it seems pretty irrelivant to what is going on. The boy needs a consistant parent to rely on, of course he wont be appreciative of xmas gifts. This set up is clearly not working for your grandson and needs to be changed.

Umy15r03lcha1 · 02/12/2025 21:03

I'm amazed how many posters aren't paying attention to your query.

Yes, get him the bare minimum.

Original poster
JollyStreet · 02/12/2025 20:57

searchforthesun · 02/12/2025 20:50

Your son could start looking for a job and step up, it sounds like you are making excuses for your son and blaming a 14 year old.
He needs stability and to feel like someone wants him, not more punishment.
why doesn’t he see his mum? This could explain more of his behaviour.

My son has a job.

OP posts:
searchforthesun · 02/12/2025 20:50

Your son could start looking for a job and step up, it sounds like you are making excuses for your son and blaming a 14 year old.
He needs stability and to feel like someone wants him, not more punishment.
why doesn’t he see his mum? This could explain more of his behaviour.

Original poster
JollyStreet · 02/12/2025 20:43

My son can't get a new job that easily, it's easier said than done. He does want to spend time with him but grandson has been refusing.

I doubt he'll be grateful for anything we buy him, he ruined our holiday in October by complaining the whole time.

I've told him he needs to go to school and actually behave or he'll fail his exams but his response is he doesn't care. I'm at my wits end with him

OP posts:
PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 02/12/2025 19:57

So he's lost his mum somehow, his dad farms him out to his nan and you're wondering why he's behaving badly? All teenage boys are challenging at 14 even those with good self esteem and happy home lives. Those who experience what your GS have experienced are showing you how unhappy they feel through their behaviour.

BoredZelda · 02/12/2025 19:54

JollyStreet · 02/12/2025 17:16

It took my son a while to be able to find a new job after the company he previously worked for shut down, so it isn't easy to just find another job. He took this one because he didn't know when he'd get another one.

He won't engage in counselling, he was offered it last year via school due to his behaviour but he'd just sit there so I doubt private counselling would be any different. His mum isn't in his life.

School counselling is shit. He needs to see a proper professional. I do not believe your son cannot find another job.

fruitypancake · 02/12/2025 19:43

Poor kid , something is going badly wrong for him. Remember that all behaviour tells a story of what is going on inside him . He sounds like he could be feeling lost , angry , scared ? Not excusing the behaviour but understanding will help - what has happened to him ?
he is lucky to have you and it sounds very hard on you . I would try to work on building your relationship up, showing him you love him and he is emotionally safe with you

Naunet · 02/12/2025 19:30

Your son needs to step up and be a proper parent. He's a single father, his job is not suitable for that so he needs to find something else, just like women do. It is not acceptable to leave all the parenting to you, it's not fair to you or his son.

PInkyStarfish · 02/12/2025 17:23

Obvious cries for attention so no, don’t punish him by giving him a shitty Christmas.

Yes it’s hard on you but his father needs to step up now and get you and his son some help before the boy becomes violent and a wrong un.