To get him the bare minimum for Christmas?

Must be difficult for him ,going from private to state school..on top of moving home and living with different family members .
I get it's not your problem because he's not your child ..but somehow it has ended up being your problem
How often is he seeing dad and mum
Do you feel confident managing him ..or are you feeling out of your depth.
Have you tried talking to him ,to find out what he needs and what his issues with school are..is he well supported at school ,or needing extra help

Is there anything positive in his life? Everything sounds negative. His mother isn't on the scene, his father isn't around. You're the back up plan but have become the main carer. He must know that arrangement isn't ideal. There's bad behaviour, punishment, disinterest from the school. Is there anything positive at all? He's a prime target for going down a misogynistic worm hole on line. Personally, no, I wouldn't get him the bare minimum at Christmas. It will just add fuel to the fire of him feeling rejected.

There’s a few issues here that might be easier to see the wood through the trees if you separated them out:

your sons job is incompatible with his parental duties, it took a while to get this job so it’s not as easy as change jobs, but he should be actively looking, he’s got a good trade and something will come along eventually.

Dgs watching porn. Absolute no no. The phone needs to be completely locked down and restricted.

School refusal. There are many many threads on here about how to handle this, it’s really tough. Personally I would aim to not allow him any computer/phone access if he is avoiding school but this does not alway work. Ask the school for help again, keep at it. Keep trying with the therapy if you can, make sure he knows you get that it’s hard for him and you’ll support him getting the therapy when he’s ready to engage.

As For the Christmas thing, get him gifts but don’t go overboard. If he’s asked for PS games and you get him a Linx body wash this will not have the effect you want, it will be all he remembers and a bucket load of resentment mixed with a swimming pool load of teenage hormones and childhood trauma is a recipe for disaster.

Does he have any plans for adulthood, he can’t focus on exams right now as his head is too full with other things but when he’s calm it’s worth having a positive conversation about what he’ll need to get into fire service, trades etc. don’t word it well you’ll need to work hard to get x,y,z let him do the work to work it out say ooh that’s a good idea what sort of things do you need to do to get there etc.

I think your grandson needs a therapist, clearly something more serious is at play. In your position I would have followed up with the child who he got pregnant. Your GS is on a worrying path and I don’t think christmas presents have much to do with anything.

I can hear that you feel exhausted and overwhelmed by the situation and are reacting punitively, whilst understandable as so many other people have pointed out this isn't going to work. Your grandson needs nurture, connection and to feel claimed by his family. I hear your frustrations that he doesn't want to engage with counselling, many children don't, particularly teenage boys - the best way often we can support children is through our parenting approach - so actually if you or more importantly his father can utilise a therapeutic parenting approach you can help him feel safe and cared for which will help his behaviours. You need to understand that behaviours are a form of communication and he is telling you how unhappy he is. Alongside all the other pps who said there needs to be some fundamental changes for him with his dad prioritising him, I would also reach out to school and consider what support services are available for your grandson and to support you/his father.

Exactly this. I sympathise with the OP but it’s a very her/her son-centred view (their holiday was “ruined” etc) whereas the focus needs to be on the grandson and his needs.

I think you are focussing on the wrong thing (Xmas gift punishment). Why has he still got privileges like a phone if he abuses it? What were the consequences for being kicked out of school? Why are you relying on school pastoral staff when it is your son’scresponsibility to ensure he is in school? Why is your son not directly involved? Answer those Qs and you’ll start to see a way through: actions must have consequences.

He's at that age and hormones are raging. He will have issues about his mum, regardless of how loved he is, and obviously we don't know why she is not in his life, but he will feel rejected and hurt. Then with dad working away, I may have missed it in previous thread but does dad sleep out when he is working? There are a lot of agencies crying out for HGV, a lot without overnights.

Poor lad is acting up due to trauma and has gone from mum I presume, to dads and then to grans, he will be feeling rejected. He needs to be reassured that he matters and that he is loved.

I would not take it out on him by getting him the bare minimum for Christmas, imagine him feeling like no one cares and then you get him a one crappy present.

With regards to his phone, what type of phone is it? My youngest had an iphone which I had on my account and I could restrict what sites he could go and block some from my phone. There are ways to safeguard.

Yes, you should buy him proper Christmas presents, no need to go OTT but get him some things he likes.

Why have you not answered about where his mum is?

Are you spending Christmas with him and your son?

Your son needs to look look look for a new job, as in keep trying- delivery driving jobs for supermarkets etc. op I know your gs is not your son but you need to start listening to your gs more- the how does it feel etc- it just all sounds like he needs parenting. He hasn’t his dad all the time and no mum, he needs a good Christmas more than anyone. It’s great you’ve stepped up but he needs family and love and someone to talk to. Bluntly why gives a shit what school he’s in etc, are they talking to you about how he is? My ds had a tough year and life became all about turning him back into being a kid. Also he needs to have a talk about sex and ye need to figure out what the truths are and the lies. But most of all he needs his dad. Better an unemployed fully present dad than an absent well employed one. Your sole goal has to be getting him through this tough time and showing him love. To answer your question give him a shit Christmas purposely then you’ll lose him

I think you should look for positive things he does - no matter how small and praise him. He needs building up. Sounds like he has low self worth. Is there any joy and humour at home? Watch something funny together. My son of the same age loves watching Mandy. Give it a go. Start with these small things to help you bond. Pick your battles too. You’re in a negative cycle with him but you have the power to change that to a positive cycle & watch him thrive. I would be doing the opposite for Christmas-I’d be treating him like he was treasured. You can turn this around. He needs to feel valued to become the person you want him to be.

Sounds like he needs some love

Poor child, mother has no contact and now dad has taken a job that means he gets palmed off to you, can't you see why he'd feel abandoned?

How sad for him, he’s very clearly left to his own devices quite literally and has had no boundaries. It seems he’s just moved around as someone else’s problem. No one wants to be the adult and actually look after him, yes you’ve put a roof over his head and sent him to a nice school for a bit and his dad is working I assume to pay for his son too, but he needs more than that. Those are the absolute basics and every adult that’s supposed to look after him is leaving him literally to find his own way. 14 years is so young. I’ve got clothes that have been on this planet longer. He has no life experience and no one showing him, just blaming and punishing him. What’s he got to lose by you not giving him nice gifts? He’s already lost the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally especially as a child, and the other one too albeit in seeing him when he’s not working, the foundations for life have gone for him. Underneath it all he’s likely incredibly insecure, likely to blame himself that his mother isn’t around and see himself as unlikeable and unloveable and worst of all it’s then being confirmed by the few people he has left, when they aren’t picking something else before him. Genuinely feel desperately sad for the little boy who’s lost inside of him.

No I wouldn’t skimp out on Christmas presents. It would be just another kick in the teeth for a boy that’s been rejected by his mum, his dad is awol at work regularly (another regular rejection, and yes grown ups have to work but kids don’t process that in the same way we do until later), kicked out of his old school and his grandma sees him as the problem rather than everything he’s had to deal with.
Yep take away the Christmas joy too 👍
How’s punitive behaviour management working so far?

You seem to be ignoring a lot of the posts highlighting the fact the underlying issues need to be dealt with, his behaviour is very clearly just a symptom.

We’re amazed that his dad isn’t trying harder to get to the root cause of the issue. What’s the point in worrying about Xmas, there are bigger things here to deal with and buying this lad lots or buying him the bare minimum, won’t make one bit of difference.

His dad needs to get his child proper help. You don’t just give up on therapy and your child if he won’t engage, you keep trying. Kids don’t act up like this for no reason, he’s crying out for attention and help although obviously doesn’t realise it. Not having his mum in his life is a big thing.

Why would you punish him with no presents ,for not coping with a situation of so much change ..he's a child ,not a robot

Your grandson ,has a lot going on in his life
His mother has abandoned him ( in his eyes )
Dad has abandoned him to with work ( understandable) but that will be how he sees it
He's had to move area and leave local friends
Move school and leave friends
Start a new school ,where everyone except him has established friendship groups.
It would of been better for your grand son to of stayed in his private school and you live at your son's when your son is away with work ..
It's all been to much change for your grandson .
Can you get him back in the private school ,can you stay at your son's house when your son is away with work ,so your grandson has continuity in his own home with his old school.
It would only be for a short amount of time
That's what I'd do in your shoes anyway

Please stop making excuses for your son, for your grandson's mother, for this disaster - this situation is being enabled by the fact you're giving your son the solution, take that solution away and your son will have no other option but to step up and father the son he brought into this world.

your son is massively taking the piss by not getting a job that enables him to be a father. He can get a job he just isn't bothering to because you're the convenient solution that means he doesn't need to,

you haven't acknowledged the mothers role, she bought this child into the world as well, so just saying she not in his life is no excuse. She should be in his life, now when he needs her. You shouldn't have to clear up their mess, they need to be grown adults about this. I'd be getting social services involved, pronto.

Could you son move in with you too? That way they're together whenever he's not working. Honestly sounds like your GS needs a PRU. I think depending on distance the school has to organize transport for you. But you need to make school acknowledge there's a problem and put an action plan in place (that he then fails).

This. This is very relevant. There is likely trauma.

If you have money for a private school pay for councelling.
And yes it makes no difference what he has for Christmas. Councelling!

The problem isn't your grandson's behaviour, it's how he feels. The behaviour is just a symptom of this.

Punishing him by not buying him Christmas presents/buying the bare minimum is going to make the situation worse.

It's completely understsndable that his dad has taken this job but it is driving this situation and it's going to be very hard to resolve this while dad lives elsewhere.

His mum not being around for whatever reason is traumatic, and now his dad (in his mind) has rejected him. His school have binned him off and he will feel like his dad has too. He us bracing himself for his gran to reject him now as well and is doing pre-emptive strikes.

He is craving connection, security and love. He needs firm boundaries about safety but not punishment. Cutting Christmas will be another rejection which will drive more behaviours.

His dad needs to spend time with him, one way or another. Book in games nights, days out, watch films, lean into his interests. You both need to invest in the relationship with him, and after doing this it will be infinitely easier to challenge and work on his behaviours.

Try and access him any counselling/ therapy you can via the GP and school, and if affordable 1000% look into private psychological therapy.

Amazed? I'd say it's because people realise Christmas gifts are the least of OP's worries.