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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have absolutely no idea who I am

63 replies

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 09:30

I’m flipping 47. Just started CBT for what I thought were some quite isolated / specific issues, and it’s opened an enormous can of worms.

I seem to spend my whole life latching on to different hobbies and interests, or whatever, because I don’t have any real core sense of identity.

Does that resonate with anyone? Is it just a midlife crisis!

I’m an single parent with two brilliant children, what looks to everyone like and successful full-time job, lots of very lovely friends and family (although I do fall out with my parents surprisingly often).

But I have no idea who I am or what I genuinely like. I can never answer those ice-breaker questions like “tell me an interesting fact about yourself”.

YANBU - yes I have felt like that or can understand why someone would

YABU - you’re being an insufferable dickhead

OP posts:
WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 17:04

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:59

Oh that’s so lovely!

I’m a huge Blackadder fan and always have been! Lovely to meet another one.

Although unfortunately I did manage to attract my exh by sitting quoting Blackadder (he says) 😂 Doesn’t put me off it though.

Show quote history

I'd annoy the fuck out of mine with my constant quoting. My family and I can have whole conversations "in Blackadder" and he'd feel left out

His fault. He should have watched more Blackadder.

RandomMess · 02/12/2025 17:04

I feel like this, recently ND diagnosed!!

Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:59

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 16:56

Omg I do this too. My ExH had a go at me over this and I simply could see/hear it.

And @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing , yours is one of the usernames I see on here and it always makes me smile. I think "Ah there goes another Blackadder fan" and mentally give you a wave.

Show quote history

Oh that’s so lovely!

I’m a huge Blackadder fan and always have been! Lovely to meet another one.

Although unfortunately I did manage to attract my exh by sitting quoting Blackadder (he says) 😂 Doesn’t put me off it though.

OP posts:
WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 16:59

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:54

I did have something of a disastrous marriage. But interestingly I’d say my exh has a fucked up sense of identity too. Maybe what attracted us!

Yet another thing that is resonating with me. I think people with similar upbringings and insecurities can attract one another, even if those things are not immediately obvious. As the marriage runs on and encounters bumpy ground, those issues rear their heads, and when there are two of you with them, the relationship can become completely toxic.

EmeraldRoulette · 02/12/2025 16:58

I'm 49

I'm sometimes amazed at how many different people I've been throughout life

I find it hard to get my head around

So when I don't have a sense of identity, I kind of think that might be what enabled me to feel like I've had a lot of lives! I've done some really interesting stuff. Sometimes I look at it and think "I can't believe that was me". But I suppose it's all in me somewhere.

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 16:56

SENsupportplease · 02/12/2025 16:35

I also do the accents, it’s linguistic convergence. Similar to echolalia

Omg I do this too. My ExH had a go at me over this and I simply could see/hear it.

And @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing , yours is one of the usernames I see on here and it always makes me smile. I think "Ah there goes another Blackadder fan" and mentally give you a wave.

Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:54

I did have something of a disastrous marriage. But interestingly I’d say my exh has a fucked up sense of identity too. Maybe what attracted us!

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:53

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 16:50

I know exactly what you mean OP and I struggle with it too. "Name something you're good at"....I have no idea!

It's called lack of a "sense of self" and it comes from childhood. It's worth exploring with a counsellor as well as doing CBT.

Edited

Thanks.

I have had a lot of counselling so thought I’d try CBT as something new.

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:51

FracasFracas · 02/12/2025 16:42

I don’t think anything the OP has said suggests a personality disorder.

Good posts from @SarahAndQuack and @5128gap.

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No I really don’t think I have a personality disorder! Just low self esteem.

OP posts:
WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 16:50

I know exactly what you mean OP and I struggle with it too. "Name something you're good at"....I have no idea!

It's called lack of a "sense of self" and it comes from childhood. It's worth exploring with a counsellor as well as doing CBT.

Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:47

FracasFracas · 02/12/2025 16:42

I don’t think anything the OP has said suggests a personality disorder.

Good posts from @SarahAndQuack and @5128gap.

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No I really don’t think I have a personality disorder! Just low self esteem.

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:43

5128gap · 02/12/2025 16:36

Its really worked. I've gone from "Here I am in a lively resturant on a Saturday with a group of people. This is a fun thing! So this is me, having fun!" To "Do I feel relaxed and comfortable? Does what I can see, hear and taste give me pleasure? Am I interested in this conversation?" It really does focus the mind on how you want to spend your precious life.

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I do do that to a certain extent but I will definitely do it more, because you’re right, it does help.

When you talked about what I really enjoy I immediately thought about being on country walks so I think that’s something I must genuinely love! I do love being out in a lively group as you said, but I need to work on the idea I’m not there solely to please or entertain the group. Although of course within the realms of being a nice, friendly, interested person 😂 Just not performing it. Being myself whilst being friendly etc

OP posts:
FracasFracas · 02/12/2025 16:42

lolly427 · 02/12/2025 16:41

It's very common with personality disorders in my understanding, and those with ASD and ADHD are at higher risk of developing personality disorders due to the difficulties and trauma they often go through when they are young.

I don’t think anything the OP has said suggests a personality disorder.

Good posts from @SarahAndQuack and @5128gap.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 02/12/2025 16:41

Also there's nothing to hate about adopting people's accents, it's just that you have an ear for it, and it's part of the human condition to adapt and fit in.

Work on knowing and accepting that you are enough just as you are and losing the embarassment and lack of confidence. I definitely felt like I wasn't enough and had to constantly improve when I was younger. In my 40s I started to realise that other people were in fact a bit crap a lot of the time, and talk a lot of nonsense, and that I was actually quite good at some things, and certainly no crapper than most people, and that my views were as good as anyone else's and my voice ought to be heard.

lolly427 · 02/12/2025 16:41

It's very common with personality disorders in my understanding, and those with ASD and ADHD are at higher risk of developing personality disorders due to the difficulties and trauma they often go through when they are young.

Timeforbubu · 02/12/2025 16:38

Something I recently read said simply that the real you is how you act when you know that noone is watching.

5128gap · 02/12/2025 16:36

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:25

This is such great advice, thank you. That taking on the personality expected for the group thing really resonates. I don’t do it consciously, it’s just how I seem to act.

I’m also that person who will unthinkingly adopt other people’s accents which I hate about myself.

I like your advice about mindfulness. I’m going to think about that. I have been trying to be more mindful but that’s a great shout.

Show quote history

Its really worked. I've gone from "Here I am in a lively resturant on a Saturday with a group of people. This is a fun thing! So this is me, having fun!" To "Do I feel relaxed and comfortable? Does what I can see, hear and taste give me pleasure? Am I interested in this conversation?" It really does focus the mind on how you want to spend your precious life.

Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:36

It’s just having the CBT that has made me go down this road.

So I always do things that help people - my job is a public sector job and I get job satisfaction by doing work that helps others, and it’s something I like to feel I am doing in my spare time. I like to feel I make a difference.

This is an odd thing to think of but when k was young (early 20s) I was watching The Thomas Crowne Affair with friends, mostly male. They were all saying what a legend the character was, and their idol etc, and I was horrified because he does nothing to help others, he’s wholly selfish. These guys were mostly twats though, to be fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:36

It’s just having the CBT that has made me go down this road.

So I always do things that help people - my job is a public sector job and I get job satisfaction by doing work that helps others, and it’s something I like to feel I am doing in my spare time. I like to feel I make a difference.

This is an odd thing to think of but when k was young (early 20s) I was watching The Thomas Crowne Affair with friends, mostly male. They were all saying what a legend the character was, and their idol etc, and I was horrified because he does nothing to help others, he’s wholly selfish. These guys were mostly twats though, to be fair.

OP posts:
DeftGoldHedgehog · 02/12/2025 16:35

An interesting fact about yourself is that you like to try different hobbies.

Lots of people come home and watch TV or YouTube and that's it.

SENsupportplease · 02/12/2025 16:35

I also do the accents, it’s linguistic convergence. Similar to echolalia

SENsupportplease · 02/12/2025 16:33

I see you’re on the pathway. That’s all it is. Embrace that your identity may be perceived as transient (aka easily bored tries different things) and accept yourself.

And you aren’t a dickhead.

SENsupportplease · 02/12/2025 16:32

There are better ice breaker questions than that and I bet you’d have an answer to the ones I use! Any chance you have ADHD or autism?

Mysticguru · 02/12/2025 16:29

So you have roles. Mum, daughter, colleague, friend, and various others that you create and project on a daily basis.

Where's the authentic you? lost in time and life probably but that which is authentic is still within.

What is it that has recognised this. Who am I?

Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:25

5128gap · 02/12/2025 16:21

Can completely relate. For a long time I felt I didn't have a personality. I'd move chameleon like from group to thing taking on the expected persona for the situation and basically being whatever was expected in that situation. I'd have images of myself as this type or that and wear and shed them, but it never felt authentic, just playing a role.
I realised that it was based in two things. Poor self confidence, so constantly striving to be a different person, and people pleasing, so a compulsion to be whoever other people wanted me to be.
Its taken a long time to work out what I really enjoy and what I really think. What helped was practising mindfulness and trying to be present and experience things properly, rather than acting them out, iyswim? This has helped me identify what really gives me joy.

This is such great advice, thank you. That taking on the personality expected for the group thing really resonates. I don’t do it consciously, it’s just how I seem to act.

I’m also that person who will unthinkingly adopt other people’s accents which I hate about myself.

I like your advice about mindfulness. I’m going to think about that. I have been trying to be more mindful but that’s a great shout.

OP posts: