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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely no idea who I am

63 replies

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 09:30

I’m flipping 47. Just started CBT for what I thought were some quite isolated / specific issues, and it’s opened an enormous can of worms.

I seem to spend my whole life latching on to different hobbies and interests, or whatever, because I don’t have any real core sense of identity.

Does that resonate with anyone? Is it just a midlife crisis!

I’m an single parent with two brilliant children, what looks to everyone like and successful full-time job, lots of very lovely friends and family (although I do fall out with my parents surprisingly often).

But I have no idea who I am or what I genuinely like. I can never answer those ice-breaker questions like “tell me an interesting fact about yourself”.

YANBU - yes I have felt like that or can understand why someone would

YABU - you’re being an insufferable dickhead

OP posts:
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Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 22:48

cosimnotwhereitsat · 02/12/2025 20:28

Hello OP
I feel exactly the same as you but I have just turned 48
currently dealing with adhd burnout and crisis of self esteem and confidence
I never seem to know what the in things are and equally went shopping last week and was reminded of the Caitlin Moran quote “When a woman says, ‘I have nothing to wear!’, what she really means is, ‘There’s nothing in my wardrobe for who I’m supposed to be today.”

That’s an incredibly brilliant quote!

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 22:48

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 18:41

@LostittoBostik i also had therapy and then counselling last year after some horrific surgeries which I couldn't get my head around.

Therapist said 'what about your family?'. I replied 'oh, completely normal. Parents, brother. Lovely childhood'.

Three weeks later and I was in bits in the therapy session 😬

On the plus side it really helped me so much. I learnt what boundaries are, how they can help me, and they do very much. I learnt about the way I react with DH and that's really helped me learn how to communicate with him.

Hopefully you will have a similar positive outcome.

Show quote history

It’s amazing how therapy can open these things up!

This lack of sense of identity/ low self esteem didn’t really come out as such in the talking therapy I had before. That was very useful but it didn’t open up these same issues.

And I thought I’d just gone to CBT because of one very specific anxiety!

OP posts:
cosimnotwhereitsat · 02/12/2025 20:28

Hello OP
I feel exactly the same as you but I have just turned 48
currently dealing with adhd burnout and crisis of self esteem and confidence
I never seem to know what the in things are and equally went shopping last week and was reminded of the Caitlin Moran quote “When a woman says, ‘I have nothing to wear!’, what she really means is, ‘There’s nothing in my wardrobe for who I’m supposed to be today.”

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 18:41

LostittoBostik · 02/12/2025 18:26

I empathise. Can’t fully relate to your specific post as I think of myself as someone with a strong sense of self - but I started therapy a year ago for what I thought was quite a specific work issue and, long story short, i’m still in therapy now as it’s uncovered a huge amount that I probably knew deep down was an issue but that I’ve just been ignoring for a long time.

I’m in perimenopause too and it’s left me questioning how much of my identity has been a result of trying to appease others expectations (especially my parents). Sometimes I feel quite unsure about what the second half of my life should look like.

Edited

@LostittoBostik i also had therapy and then counselling last year after some horrific surgeries which I couldn't get my head around.

Therapist said 'what about your family?'. I replied 'oh, completely normal. Parents, brother. Lovely childhood'.

Three weeks later and I was in bits in the therapy session 😬

On the plus side it really helped me so much. I learnt what boundaries are, how they can help me, and they do very much. I learnt about the way I react with DH and that's really helped me learn how to communicate with him.

Hopefully you will have a similar positive outcome.

Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 18:32

Sorry about the multiple posts!

OP posts:
LostittoBostik · 02/12/2025 18:26

I empathise. Can’t fully relate to your specific post as I think of myself as someone with a strong sense of self - but I started therapy a year ago for what I thought was quite a specific work issue and, long story short, i’m still in therapy now as it’s uncovered a huge amount that I probably knew deep down was an issue but that I’ve just been ignoring for a long time.

I’m in perimenopause too and it’s left me questioning how much of my identity has been a result of trying to appease others expectations (especially my parents). Sometimes I feel quite unsure about what the second half of my life should look like.

Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 18:17

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:19

Ha ha! Do you also over share and constantly share your own experiences with people?

Show quote history

Yes always!

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 18:17

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:19

Ha ha! Do you also over share and constantly share your own experiences with people?

Show quote history

Yes always!

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 18:17

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:19

Ha ha! Do you also over share and constantly share your own experiences with people?

Show quote history

Yes always!

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 18:17

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:19

Ha ha! Do you also over share and constantly share your own experiences with people?

Show quote history

Yes always!

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 18:17

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:19

Ha ha! Do you also over share and constantly share your own experiences with people?

Show quote history

Yes always!

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 18:17

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 16:59

Yet another thing that is resonating with me. I think people with similar upbringings and insecurities can attract one another, even if those things are not immediately obvious. As the marriage runs on and encounters bumpy ground, those issues rear their heads, and when there are two of you with them, the relationship can become completely toxic.

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That’s so interesting, and also probably why it was a bit doomed!

OP posts:
amoosebouche · 02/12/2025 18:15

The first thing that sprung to mind when reading your OP was potential autism. I am autistic and an extremely high masker. I also have combined type ADHD. It might be worth looking into - lots of women have been missed and find out later in life.

Swiftie1878 · 02/12/2025 17:58

I can relate. I was raised up north but now live down south, married to a southerner and have kind of absorbed myself into his life (which has never moved from when he was a young boy - friends all from school age) - I’m a bit like a chameleon!
I reached a point where I felt I had lost ‘myself’ completely, so had to reconnect with my home city and my own person all over again.
It has helped, but I still have times when it weighs heavy, and I have to make a constant effort to remain ‘me’.

Ritaskitchen · 02/12/2025 17:43

Have you considered you maybe have adhd?
It’s very early in the therapy. Give it some time and see how it progresses .

TheendofmrY · 02/12/2025 17:40

Hobby-related identities are just one minor thing, and they’ll likely shift as you go through life and have other things going on. One thing to consider in feeling like you ‘know who you are’ is what are your core values in life? One of the main theories about values in psychology is around 10 basic human values - you can do a tests online e.g this one:
https://aidaform.com/templates/pvq-test.html

PVQ Test | Portrait Values Questionnaire | AidaForm

The Portrait Values Questionnaire is created in the AidaForm online test creator and the result is calculated immediately and presented to you on the final page. Take the PVQ for free to get a deeper understanding of your personal values, as well as in...

https://aidaform.com/templates/pvq-test.html

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:23

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 17:22

Christ I do that too 😳

Oh there I go again

Show quote history

😂

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 17:22

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:19

Ha ha! Do you also over share and constantly share your own experiences with people?

Show quote history

Christ I do that too 😳

Oh there I go again

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:20

@WestwardHo1 thank you. I'm going to have a look at that.

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:19

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 17:14

Oh my goodness, are you actually me? 😂

Show quote history

Ha ha! Do you also over share and constantly share your own experiences with people?

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 17:16

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:11

Hi OP. I do the accent thing. I've been changing my accent to adapt since the moment I went to university. I am also very good at changing who I am depending on who I am speaking to.

My identity is the one my mum gave me. Outgoing, chatty, confident, high achieving.

I assumed everyone's identity came from the way their parents described them.

Show quote history

So you're playing a role. The one you got the impression resulted in the most maternal favour when you were a child. You weren't at liberty to be your true self because that didn't get you the most approval/maternal warmth.

Is how all this could be interpreted!

Can I recommend to those of us saying similar things that you read this book

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4

Even if you don't think your parent/s fit that description.

Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.co.uk

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-5453472-to-have-absolutely-no-idea-who-i-am

Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 17:14

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:11

Hi OP. I do the accent thing. I've been changing my accent to adapt since the moment I went to university. I am also very good at changing who I am depending on who I am speaking to.

My identity is the one my mum gave me. Outgoing, chatty, confident, high achieving.

I assumed everyone's identity came from the way their parents described them.

Show quote history

Oh my goodness, are you actually me? 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 17:14

WestwardHo1 · 02/12/2025 17:04

I'd annoy the fuck out of mine with my constant quoting. My family and I can have whole conversations "in Blackadder" and he'd feel left out

His fault. He should have watched more Blackadder.

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My family do this with various shows! Especially me and my youngest brother. Who sadly lives in America at the moment!

OP posts:
Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 02/12/2025 17:11

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2025 16:25

This is such great advice, thank you. That taking on the personality expected for the group thing really resonates. I don’t do it consciously, it’s just how I seem to act.

I’m also that person who will unthinkingly adopt other people’s accents which I hate about myself.

I like your advice about mindfulness. I’m going to think about that. I have been trying to be more mindful but that’s a great shout.

Show quote history

Hi OP. I do the accent thing. I've been changing my accent to adapt since the moment I went to university. I am also very good at changing who I am depending on who I am speaking to.

My identity is the one my mum gave me. Outgoing, chatty, confident, high achieving.

I assumed everyone's identity came from the way their parents described them.

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