That if we are not good enough for Christmas Day, then also not good enough for Boxing Day?

I’m totally with you op.
do it your way.
I don’t have a big family and have not experienced these situations. No guests and no hosting. But I think it needs to be fairer and an invitation to yours needs to be politely and graciously accepted not to make you feel that you are the last resort. And no you don’t host another Christmas Day event.
id say it has to be 27th or 23rd maybe

Err…not all mums are closer to their daughters. Some treat all their children fairly and want to spend time with them regardless of their sex.

Sorry but we are having a lazy day boxing day this year. Keep it simple.
Add in you are happy to visit them <insert day of your choice > then.

Sorry but Mums are just closer to their own daughters. Perhaps they feel more comfortable there as can't really ask for or dictate any terms in your house ( quite rightly too ) . What is wrong with telling the truth ? That you already had the big Xmas meal/ done cooking and aren't willing to do it again . Welcome to come but that's the way it is on Boxing Day. Surely they can relate and might not even want a repeat . If it's a problem then I am afraid the term is going to have to be Fuck off then.

Ex MILs life revolved around her daughter’s beck and call. I just think it’s a thing. I don’t think YABU but to a degree everyone wants things done ‘their’ way at Christmas so everyone is BU!

I’d put them off for Boxing Day - however much people say you should just let them muck in, you won’t be as relaxed. I’d go back to them saying DH forgot you had plans for Boxing Day and you’ll see them on 23rd or 27th…

Absolutely not unreasonable to set boundaries - I'm afraid Boxing Day doesn't work for us, can you make the 27th?

My husband would do ANYTHING for his mum and cannot say no to her, but even he would be absolutely fine with letting her know what works and doesn't work. He would also be fine with defending time to do nothing - just because no one else is coming, doesn't mean that's a free day for visitors.

Sorry there's been a mix up! Dh forgot we have company on boxing day sad face emoji maybe we could do another day?

Completely agree. Had this many years ago when I asked in laws if they would like to come to us for Xmas. Fil sneered and said " no we will be with (favourite child) of course"...mil was flapping and trying to mitigate it but I calmly said "no problem I won't ask again" and I haven't!
In your case I would say the invite was for Xmas day and you have plans for the 26th so maybe next year?

Either you tell them it is not convenient or DH does everything, and you can always slob upstairs for a bit out of their way if they are there too long

My inlaws used to be the same. Always at sil so could never come to us. One year they agreed then had to backtrack as sil had already arranged some big expensive thing on Xmas eve so obviously just assumed they were going to her without even asking. I do wonder if they didn't dare say no because she'd have a tantrum (she regularly stops talking to them). I've learnt to just let it go and assume they're doing their best and probably appreciate we're not going to act like 5 yo's. They are generally lovely people though. I might feel differently if they weren't.

How much does DH actually care about this? How much effort does he put into hosting Christmas? Is he posting online about it? Does his sister do more at Christmas than him and care more if they come over? If she does, then there is your answer.

The one thing they are doing though is being honest with you about waiting for an invitation, a lot of PIL would lie and pretend they didn't know what they were doing until they got the green or red light, so they seem happy enough to tell you the truth.

I know you say they 'prefer' their daughter, and maybe they do, but there may also be an element of them HAVING to fit in with what the daughter wants, she determines the schedule and will only give them one bit of their christmas and they either need to be there or miss out entirely, they obviously don't feel comfortable just rocking up there like they do their son, so in some ways that says more about the comfortable nature of their relationship with you and DH and they know you are more flexible so put you second choice.. it sucks, and make you feel second best, but I can see why they have to do it if that is the only chance they have to see their daughter.

Bottom line though.. if they want to come, they fit in with YOUR plans, not the other way around, don't do anything different to what you had in mind just for their benefit, it's ridiculous.

Don't you ever think the reason they put you second is they know, that no matter what, you will roll out the red carpet for them?? You're both playing your second fiddle roles perfectly and if you want it to stop you need to stop pandering to them and start expecting them to fit in instead.

YANBU but please don't use "choccies"

So you are happy for them to join you on Boxing Day but they will need to join in with your usual Boxing Day - that seems fine to me . Do they actually expect you to do another Christmas Day ?

Boxing Day doesn't have to be another big meal though. We used to have turkey sandwiches, mince pies and trifle as a kid, and I enjoyed that as much as Christmas dinner.

Also I would have to put my foot in it and say something. "Funny how your DD always seems to be the first choice. It would be nice if you put DH first for once."

I'd turn it back on them. Oh no sorry, we don't know what we're doing boxing day yet. If we decide to be home and feel like visitors, we'll let you know. Then do NOT let them know until last minute.

YANBU - “sorry FIL and MIL, the invite was for Christmas Day and we’re not hosting on Boxing Day. You’re welcome to call in for a drink of course. If you do want to come on Xmas Day you need to tell us by [date].”

The End.

your DH can deal with any fallout.

Must be infuriating. I suggest though, that you dont play games. If Boxing day is inconvenient, say no. If actually, it's OK, then take your lead from your dh and say yes if he'd like her to come.

I understand you have plans for Christmas Day
I/we do have plans for Boxing Day
Let's meet another day?

Keep it friendly, civil and drama free. Up to you when to arrange a meet up, and how low key to host if you invite them (tea and Christmas pudding mince pies are enough!)

I don't understand this at all, and I don't understand it from OP either.

Why can't you just be yourselves and they fit in to what you are doing already? What do you think would happen if you did that? Why would you martyr yourselves for people you obviously don't have a great relationship with to start with?

I love hosting, but I never feel the need to go above and beyond what we normally do for ourselves just to impress people that couldn't give two shits the rest of the time! Christmas sends people wacky!

YANBU, it's so hurtful to be the 2nd or 3rd choice option. My relationship with DF has broken down entirely after he announced around 7 years ago that he and DSMum would always be going to visit her DC and DGC for Christmas "because her life wouldn't be worth living if she didnt get to spend Christmas with them". Meanwhile "it would fit very well for them to come and see us on the 28th". Well now they get nothing.

They want to see all their children

if both children start making a fuss about when- then they won’t - do you know if DD has been less accommodating in the past ? Are you basically the more easy going ? They probably appreciate that

you can host without doing full on roast - just make that clear “ I have guests for Christmas so Boxing Day will be left overs / help yourself for food “

Your DH will want to see his parents over Christmas, I'm sure

I'd either

Say that DH misread the calendar and YOU (OP) are busy most of Boxing Day but DH will pop over to see them and give presents, have a cup of tea and then join you at your "event"

Or say that his parents CAN come over on Boxing Day but it's just easy food (whatever that means for you) and would they bring a cheeseboard and a trifle

Or say no, you're all busy and you and DH will pop over for an hour on the 27th with gifts

Next year don't invite them at all and DH can see them on 27/28

So your husband has invited them.

And your husband doesn't share the work on Xmas day ('Since I've done most of the woman work').

The problem isn't really with your in laws, is it? It's that your husband isn't communicating properly and isn't pulling his weight.