To think stepparents should not be financially responsible for other people's children?

Who got married

This. My ex does not has never paid a penny in CSA money for children. But my husband had to declare his income for university.

yet he would pay no maintenance for them if we divorced - crazy system.

Fortunately he sees mine as his and likewise. My insurance is split between all the children in my will and same for him.

Each to their own. I have 2 sons from a previous relationship and have 2 children with my husband.

in the earlier stages of our relationship i said that i was responsible for my 2 but he wouldn’t have it, he’s always supported us all as a family financially.

If you are married (in the UK) there is no such thing as separation of finances, "I pay for my kids, you pay for yours" etc. Legally you are considered one financial unit when it comes to income and assets. So it doesn't matter which account you pay from for your 'own' children, it's still joint money - your money is his money and vice versa. E.g. if you divorced tomorrow, your husband would be entitled to half of that common pot of money and assets, or possibly more than half in some cases if he is a much lower earner. (In other countries there is the possibility of getting married in separation of assets so the rules are different)

So basically, if you are married in the UK, step parents do 'pay' for children who are not theirs, even if indirectly. They don't have an option to opt out, because all finances are joint. In fact, they legally should have a say on how you spend this money even on children who are not theirs, and restricting access to your money, which is also his money, can be considered financial abuse in certain cases.

You become responsible for each others children when you become one family, that includes finances! What a mean way to look at things.

That’s exactly the position I’m in no holidays since 2017 for us (my DCs go with their Dad) my DC with my partner doesn’t get holidays but she lives with 2 parents who love one another and I think that’s more important.

Interesting that you think that a member of the household who doesn’t financially contribute isn’t considered a ‘proper’ part of the family. Do you think the same of stay at home mothers?

This very much depends on the relative circumstances. Children living in the same household should as far as practical, on a day to day basis, be given the same opportunities (out of school activities, family holidays, clothes, meals out etc). If your husband had children from a previous relationship, wouldn't you want this for them?

No.

I’m a step parent. I wouldn’t say that I’m financially responsible for my stepchildren, but I certainly feed them, take them on holidays and buy them gifts. I love them and would never deny them anything they need.

I have 2 children from previous relationship, my DP is not financially responsible for them.

If you've worked out a relationship with your partner that they are financially respopnsible, and that they are happy with that then I definitely would not impose my world view on you, you can live your life as you choose, I would resist you forcing your life choices on me and my family though.

I said everyone I know, I also said that I know some do work full time. I just don’t personally don’t any who do. It wasn’t a judgement at all, it was a fact from my experience.

Apparently she’s unable to work more hours, doesn’t get maintenance as it’s 50/50. Obviously 3rd child would be a crazy idea but I don’t control her life. Current children have significantly different lifestyles due to the fathers being one rich one not so much. I guess she should give up dating because “no step parent should be paying for stepchildren”, sounds great in principle but in reality rather unachievable. If you blend families there will alway be one that contributes more financially.

Well they holiday with their fathers (yes 2 kids 2 dads) but obviously can’t do a holiday with her unless paid by her current partner. Her exs wont pay for that and they shouldn’t. I know it’s down to the choices she’s made but it means if they have a child together she’d be able to holiday only with the current partners child, not the others. It’s a shit show but by the rule your post is about - that’s the way it should be.

Your views don't come across as cherry picking though. They're rigid. Which means if you or your ex couldn't support your kids anymore then your husband shouldn't have to.

You can't go into this sort of arrangement with rigid views. The chance of financially supporting step children is always there whether you like it or not.

If you marry someone who absolutely agrees with your stance, then you may find yourself vulnerable. It's not the sort of chance I would be happy in taking.

She doesn’t. Does her business PT. It’s a long story but I don’t know what to tell her. I kind of see the guy’s point but then if they start living together then I don’t know, it’s too complicated. It feels that he either takes her and the kids (kids are well supported by the fathers with 50/50 split) or not get involved with her

It really depends. It's better for the children if their biological parents cover all their main expenses, so there's no need for the step parent to contribute unless they actually want to. In reality, the step parent would have to be quite petty and tight to not end up spending any of their own money on their step children.

I also think it's pretty awful in blended families when there's a big disparity in how much is spent on different children, depending on who their biological parents are. This is, however, the reality of life for many. The whole blended family thing is quite often a mess for everyone involved.

A few step parents I've had contact with don't even like their step children. That plays a role in the mess too. If you're expected to support a step child even beyond adulthood in some cases, who is not very gracious or likeable, or is lazy, that's a super difficult position to be in as well.

Step parents can't really win unless they are extremely self-sacrificing.
Parents probably often feel torn between what's best for their children and what's best for their partner.
Step children have a really rough time of it if they don't feel welcome and treated equally in their home(s).

Complicated situations require an ability to be responsive to nuance.

I'm glad you feel you have your own circumstances sorted to your satisfaction, but I'm not quite sure why you are attempting a crusade of blanket application to the circumstances of others.

You're looking at things in a very black and white way OP.

We are all one accident or illness way from not being able to work. Not all couples split and tip up as an absent parent. Your ex could end up not being able to provide for his kids. You could end up not being able to provide for your kids.

Do you then show your husband the door saying it's not fair on him and you should split?

Life has a way of kicking us in the nuts OP. The only way the responsibility of step kids can't happen, is if you don't enter into a relationship with someone who has them.

I knew a couple who did not marry until the children had left education for this very reason.