To think stepparents should not be financially responsible for other people's children?

Of course it is. Children are the responsibility of their parents, not their stepparents. Marriage does not make them a joint responsibility. If a stepparent wants to assume a level of responsibility then of course they can, but it isn’t something that can be expected.

It’s extremely common for stepfamilies not to join finances for this reason.

For student finance and child maintenance purposes I agree but family finance means FAMILY finance you don't want ours and their soaps in the bathroom

But it’s not expecting someone to take responsibility for your kids, it’s creating a family where you muck in together to raise your shared family - which includes all the kids!

If you become a family then I think you do assume joint responsibility though it shouldbe in addition to not instead of their absent birth parent where possible.

I am a step mother. And sadly my step child doesn’t have two parents who prioritise their wellbeing and provide for them. I wish it were so. But that’s not the reality for lots of children. My step child wouldn’t be able to do any clubs or go on school trips if our shared finances didn’t pay for it. As a family we have less to spend on our ‘joint’ children. But it’s not even a question to me that we would jointly fund these since DM won’t.

I agree with those above who say blended families rarely work for the kids. That’s why for me personally I could never marry someone with a child that I didn’t love. I love my step child so I would never want them to miss out to make some sort of point. I think to live with an adult who doesn’t love you must be an awful feeling.

How do you actually make this work in practice though OP? Do you keep all your accounts separate? It seems complicated as a married couple not to treat all the kids as one family

There’s so many variables though

if the kids were young when he joined the family you would hope he would see them as his family tbh and not just 2 kids who live in his house.

if you get cms does that get thrown in the pot or do you divide everything so you only ever pay for your kids?

if he became ill and couldn’t work would you support him and reduce the amount you spend on your kids? Or you can’t work/take maternity and the kids suffer financially?

I find these attitudes where money is the primary consideration pretty cold

Because maintenance doesn’t pay for everything and you love your step kids? You take on the children and if they need things in your home then you provide for them as you would your kids. Discrepancies just breed rivalry and conflict and misery and these kids never asked for the adult relationships around them to break down!

I don’t know the answer to this only my own experience…. Although the way you say “not his kids!” with the ! for emphasis makes me feel lucky to have the dh amd step father we have in our lives. He would be very hurt if I announced they’re “not your kids” to him. He may not be the biological parent, rather the step parent, but he loves our dd as if she was. He has raised her and taught her the values and kindness I always admire in him.
He often spoils her not only with his time but financially too ….and just as if he was her biological father money is always discussed together first and I love that he loves to do it.
He helped fund dd through the end of her medical school - not because I needed him to but he clearly wanted to and he likes to provide for us.
I don’t need it or expect it but he likes to help them out.

Depends. For decisions made before you became a family unit, the step parent should not be on the hock. Decisions made jointly should be treated as a joint decision.

I think if you don’t want to be responsible for other people’s children, it’s best not to marry their parents.

As TFImBackIn says, you can have whatever agreement you want, but when it gets to student finance, it is household income that is assessed.

So presumably your husband doesn’t pay as much towards your mortgage and household bills etc because it’s pro-rata’d and you pay the extra for your children, including more for food and everything else?

The benefits system (including child benefit) and student loan system expect any step parent living with the child to share financial responsibility for them.

DH took on financial responsibility for my eldest DS (DH's stepson) when we got married and has never treted him differently to our shared dcs, including in our wills. It was just part of having shared finances as a married couple.

I think it depends. If they have two competent parents then yes. But personally I wouldn’t ever see my DSC miss out because they have one useless parent. I would and have prioritised them being treated fairly compared with their siblings. Feeling like the Cinderella child does such lasting damage, not just to that child but also to the other children seeing essentially a form of long form cruelty to their sibling. I couldn’t be that person.

Yes, this. Blended families are very rarely happy, particularly for the children of previous relationships. However much the adults involved want it to be so.