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Original poster

To think stepparents should not be financially responsible for other people's children?

608 replies

Mrsnothingthanks · 01/12/2025 22:00

That's just it really. I'm married. My husband is only financially responsible for our daughter, not my other children. Why should he be? Not his kids!
Surprises me on MN that others think stepparents should assume financial responsibility for kids that aren't theirs!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 19:22

@TheignT Re what exactly?

OP posts:
TheignT · 07/12/2025 19:21

Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 18:06

@TheignT I would never "expect" it; under exceptional circumstances I would hope for it to be freely offered. Just as it would be from me if my husband was unable to work for a genuine reason.
But would I have ever started out in a marriage in which one of us worked and one didn't/one of us paid on dates and one didn't/one of us financially contributed towards everything and one didn't when we were both perfectly capable of doing so?
No. Especially not as I have more financial responsibilities (3 kids vs 1).

Not what you said originally.

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 19:01

@GreyhoundGal1 First of all, much older teenagers don't need childcare. Second of all, my sons are not with us every Sunday. I earn more so it makes sense for me to work more in order to provide for my three children and also, again, I have more financial responsibilities. It really is quite simple - more kids, more costs.
Edited to add - looking after your own child isn't "childcare" - that's preposterous.

OP posts:
GreyhoundGal1 · 07/12/2025 18:45

Owlmoonstar · 07/12/2025 15:42

I have a genuine question.

You don't accept any financial help for your children from your husband. We have established that.

Would you or have you ever allowed him to 'babysit' or provide any other childcare such as when your working or if you were invited on a night out or any other circumstances?

@Owlmoonstar Further up the thread OP has stated she works on Sundays (6 days a week) and husband provides childcare for her kids as well as their shared bio child - "When I work Sundays he is at home with the kid/kids". So she does. She's still using his resources and expecting things from him for them, just time instead of money. If she didn't work that day to earn the money, she could spend it with the kids. As always a compromise between each and depends what you prioritise.

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 18:06

@TheignT I would never "expect" it; under exceptional circumstances I would hope for it to be freely offered. Just as it would be from me if my husband was unable to work for a genuine reason.
But would I have ever started out in a marriage in which one of us worked and one didn't/one of us paid on dates and one didn't/one of us financially contributed towards everything and one didn't when we were both perfectly capable of doing so?
No. Especially not as I have more financial responsibilities (3 kids vs 1).

OP posts:
TheignT · 07/12/2025 17:53

Calliopespa · 07/12/2025 16:01

Or let's throw our mind wide open and take away the maintenance from the bio parent. Let's make him dead.

Show quote history

I get what you mean but I'm a bit squeamish about killing people off.

TheignT · 07/12/2025 17:51

Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 16:03

@TheignT I don't receive maintenance from their father as we share care. If I was genuinely unwell enough not to be able to work then my husband would help as much as he could, but financially this wouldn't be lots. We don't have meals in fancy restaurants or expensive clothes as is.
But this would only be because I genuinely couldn't work, not because I was choosing not to or expecting him to provide when I could. That's the big difference.
Of course I would imagine some benefits would also help in case of illness/disability, but unsure which/how much as no idea re how that side of things works.

So you do agree he should take some responsibility if it is necessary. When you told him you didn't expect him to take any financial responsibility for your children did you clarify that is some circumstances you would expect it.

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 17:39

@Calliopespa No - as a feminist who believes in true equality, not a "feminist, but only when it suits me."

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 07/12/2025 17:20

Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 16:47

@Calliopespa As a feminist of course I am not going to agree with the notion of a man as a sole provider - biological parent or otherwise.
Also, I would imagine fellow working mums would also describe themselves as full-time mums, just ones who also provide financially for their children.

As an entry-level feminist you mean.

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 16:47

@Calliopespa As a feminist of course I am not going to agree with the notion of a man as a sole provider - biological parent or otherwise.
Also, I would imagine fellow working mums would also describe themselves as full-time mums, just ones who also provide financially for their children.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 07/12/2025 16:22

Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 16:09

@Calliopespa We have seen that some posters on this thread are choosing not to work out of choice, however. That's the part I think is unacceptable when you have bio children to support, especially then expecting someone else to do so.

So do I take that as saying that in the circumstances I outlined you would accept?

Because your thread OP makes no allowance for that sort of situation. It simply peddles a prejudice against any women who might do so.

And it is hard, really, to see how your prejudice doesn't extend to working mothers generally, because surely if a step father is willing and able to provide for step children, there isn't really much difference. And what about a step father who has always liked the idea of being a provider (it's allowed as a mindset) and to have a family where the children have a full time mum but is unable to have his own bio children?

There are so many scenarios that could make reasonable inroads on your very rigid declaration.

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 16:09

@Calliopespa We have seen that some posters on this thread are choosing not to work out of choice, however. That's the part I think is unacceptable when you have bio children to support, especially then expecting someone else to do so.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 07/12/2025 16:05

Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 16:04

@Calliopespa If my ex-husband was dead my sons would be incredibly wealthy.
Edited to add: I have no idea re maintenance as I've never received a penny.

Edited

That's dodging the question and once more looking through your own slim lens. Some children have no bio parent paying maintenance, and no inheritance.

I think before declaring things to be "how it must be done" you need to glance round the room a little.

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 16:04

@Calliopespa If my ex-husband was dead my sons would be incredibly wealthy.
Edited to add: I have no idea re maintenance as I've never received a penny.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 16:03

@TheignT I don't receive maintenance from their father as we share care. If I was genuinely unwell enough not to be able to work then my husband would help as much as he could, but financially this wouldn't be lots. We don't have meals in fancy restaurants or expensive clothes as is.
But this would only be because I genuinely couldn't work, not because I was choosing not to or expecting him to provide when I could. That's the big difference.
Of course I would imagine some benefits would also help in case of illness/disability, but unsure which/how much as no idea re how that side of things works.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 07/12/2025 16:01

TheignT · 07/12/2025 15:54

Ok change children for child. Can you understand now? You can't work for some reason, your husband provides for you and your joint CHILD and you have holidays, meals in nice restaurants, expensive clothes. All you have for your first two children is the maintenance from their father. You can't pay for them to go on holiday, you buy their clothes in charity shops, you go out for meals and they are left home with beans on toast. You'd think that was OK. Your husband would think that's ok?

Show quote history

Or let's throw our mind wide open and take away the maintenance from the bio parent. Let's make him dead.

Calliopespa · 07/12/2025 16:00

Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 15:51

@Owlmoonstar So as my ex-husband and I share care I of course try to arrange social events when boys are with their dad as I naturally want to spent time with them. They are much older so don't need childcare.

How would your views on what women should and shouldn't accept from a spouse differ were you not - through fortune rather than merit on your part - in the situation where your children had another live, willing and competent bio parent?

TheignT · 07/12/2025 15:54

Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 15:48

@TheignT Not sure I understand the question? My husband and I only have (and will only ever have) one shared bio child.

Ok change children for child. Can you understand now? You can't work for some reason, your husband provides for you and your joint CHILD and you have holidays, meals in nice restaurants, expensive clothes. All you have for your first two children is the maintenance from their father. You can't pay for them to go on holiday, you buy their clothes in charity shops, you go out for meals and they are left home with beans on toast. You'd think that was OK. Your husband would think that's ok?

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 15:51

@Owlmoonstar So as my ex-husband and I share care I of course try to arrange social events when boys are with their dad as I naturally want to spent time with them. They are much older so don't need childcare.

OP posts:
Owlmoonstar · 07/12/2025 15:48

Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 15:46

@Owlmoonstar For my sons or for our daughter?

Your sons. Not his bio child.

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 15:48

@TheignT Not sure I understand the question? My husband and I only have (and will only ever have) one shared bio child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 07/12/2025 15:46

@Owlmoonstar For my sons or for our daughter?

OP posts:
TheignT · 07/12/2025 15:45

Mrsnothingthanks · 01/12/2025 22:09

@Slothey My husband didn't have any children when we met but I had two. I absolutely did not want him to take on financial responsibility for my sons - that's not his duty. I made this clear from the start and he very much respected that stance.

So if you were unable to work for some reason and your husband was a high earner who provided well for you and your joint children your two would be like Cinderella?

Owlmoonstar · 07/12/2025 15:42

I have a genuine question.

You don't accept any financial help for your children from your husband. We have established that.

Would you or have you ever allowed him to 'babysit' or provide any other childcare such as when your working or if you were invited on a night out or any other circumstances?

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 07/12/2025 11:34

You are either family or you're not. If you're married that's family in my book but you may see things differently. I think that involves using family money for the kids. This is different to the kids seeing their mum's husband as 'dad' or stepdad. That relationship been is earned and not automatic but the mind set that you're not paying for kids not biologically yours woul be a big set back in the warned respect for me.