To think stepparents should not be financially responsible for other people's children?

DP is actually the only person who financially provides for my eldest DS who isn't biologically his. I'm a SAHM to our two children. His bio dad doesn't pay us anything.

He chose DS, the deal was if he wanted to be Part of our fsmily he was part of our fsmily entirely. DS doesn't currently see his dad due to safeguarding concerns, but when he was DP was still, for all intents and purposes, his dad when DS was home. He's entirely equally responsible for DSs upbringing and welfare. He chose to be his parent, quite frankly I think that holds more weight than having unprotected sex.

All sounds nice on paper, especially since you are the higher earner.
But imagine you were the lower earner, and you had more kids with your new husband and he spoils the children you share together, while your children look on sadly because their parents couldn't afford a nice new bike?
This would cause resentment and hatred and accusations of favouritism.
Then what would you say?
Sorry, your father is poor and their father is well off?
In your situation perhaps it works, but don't assume that's the case for every blended family.
Just like you pay more for your household because you are the higher earner
In many cases the step father simply pays more because he can.
And sometimes because he has a genuine bond with the children as well as loving their mum.
Would you genuinely be happy if your partner was rich and you were struggling and he wouldn't even buy your kids new shoes? Because they're yours
what's the point of being in a relationship?

Well, yeah. If marrying him causes her financial hardship that she wouldn’t have but for marrying him, why shouldn’t he contribute?

I think it depends on the individual circumstances. My partner and I both work full time and earn roughly the same amount, he has a son from a previous relationship who we have 50% and we have a son together. We have separate finances and joint expenses are split 50:50, mortgage, bills, food, holidays, days out etc so in respect to those I financially contribute. I wouldn’t expect to contribute if DSS needed new clothing, wanted to take up a hobby, pocket money, school dinner money etc. I put some savings aside for DSS but less than DS and this is my choice not an expectation.

Ok but what about for example a single mum on benefits. When she married she's likely to lose them. So it's expected for the new husband to pay for her kids?

I do think it’s different when you have shared children too. We do not.

But no, I don’t pay for his golf, he doesn’t pay for my horse and if me and their dad couldn’t afford their hobbies, they simply wouldn’t be able to do them.

In the same way that if my husband had a more expensive hobby than mine or earned less than I do, I would still want to pool money in a marriage and use the pot to pay for our family.

If I was to lose my job or become too ill to work, what then? My kids starve and his feast? My kids quit their hobbies but our shared kids keep theirs?

You make different life choices to me that’s for sure!

I was the higher earner and he has three children, I have one. I expect you’ll tell me I’m a mug now. 🤷‍♀️

I don’t understand why you think someone who isn’t a parent to your kids needs to joint fund their hobbies. You do, absolutely, sound grabby.

I would expect to pool finances and pay for everything out of a shared pot - kids and hobbies and holidays and the lot.

I am perfectly capable of being self sufficient financially for me and my kids and I am not being grabby but I just think if you’re going to marry and make a family with someone and their kids then you have to be all in - it would massively give me the ick if I married someone and then they quibbled over what percentages of holiday costs we would each pay because my kids were coming or having to use separate bank accounts to buy presents for my kids or stuff for their hobbies or whatever.

Equally if I was child free and married someone with kids or if mine were older and moved out or something, I would still want pooled finances and to share the highs and lows of our pooled income as a family.

You have a very fixed view on what is right and what should happen but that doesn’t make it right for everyone.

it is good that it works for you and your husband but others want the idea of a blended family to be completely blended and everyone treated that same and that is ok as well.

all couples/parents have different ways of working and as long as it works for BOTH of them and their children it doesn’t matter

It's a shame their father didn't offer to pay for them, especially given he has no housing costs

Every blended family is different. Isn’t it crazy that other people might live their lives differently to you!

I don’t understand the obsession with blended finances in any relationship tbh. Usually on here it’s only because people want access to more money than they earn! It’s entirely possible to live happily just splitting joint expenses 50/50!

But all of your costs as a 4/5 will be higher than if you were a couple, even things like having to go on holiday in school holidays, having to have a family sized car, as a single man he could have a moped and be done with it, it all costs more and if you marry someone with children you accept that. Unless he's pricing up a two week term time break and giving you half of that cost while you pay the rest of your school holiday break for four plus a baby and if he is he's not the kind of person I'd marry. Does he never pay for dinner out? Ice creams, cinema tickets? Does he count out his ticket price and half of your daughter's? I just wouldn't want to live like that and I say that as the higher earner in our family, so I certainly don't need a man to provide for me.

Well good for you. If you blend finances with your spouse you inevitably end up paying for stuff for your stepchildren, directly or indirectly. I was happy to do it.

I image this only works if the parent bringing child(ren) into the marriage is a higher earner but even then I don't see how it practically works. More children would usually mean a bigger house, maybe a bigger car, more life admin, working more hours etc. I don't see how this wouldn't require their partner to contribute one way or another - there seems a focus on money but that's just one thing. When your husband cooks does he cook for your children too? Does he spend time on them? If you work 6 days how does it work in terms of chikdcare? / Raising?

If the parent bringing the children into the relationship has, for one reason or another, less money, should they and their children live a lower lifestyle in that marriage? What if moving in has cost them government support?

My SKs didn’t live with us and I had one DC
i have never and never will pool finances
They are grown up now though

we have had joint holidays in the past when they were little but I would also go on holiday with my ds on his own and with my family mum dad sister and nieces and nephews as I like holidays and my DH isn’t that bothered

I never paid for anything for my step kids other than stuff like treats if we were out and about like you would if you were with friends and their kids
I bought them seperate Christmas and birthday presents / cards when they were younger
now I just add my name to their dads card

my dh took my son on as his son emotionally but not financially in that he was expected to finance him

to some extent is closer to him than one of his own kids to the point that he helped him decorate his house, chats to him regularly and they get on like father and son

It worked for us as a family but we didn’t have any kids together which can make a big difference and they never lived with us full time either

my ds inherited from both sets of his grandparents so is quite set up

stepkids won’t inherit anything from me as the house we live in is mine and my DH will have the right to live in it if I die but then it will go to my son
if dh wants to leave them stuff that’s down to him
i don’t really see them much now as they are all older and grown up unless there is a big family get together

no idea if they will inherit from their mum
possiblly if her husband died first they might

Recently I paid for my son and his partner to come on holiday with me and DH
it didn’t enter my head that I should pay for my grown up step kids and there partners as well

I agree in principle although I can't see how it would work in practise. Working out what is spent on the children would be really hard to quantify exactly- higher rent, higher bills, more food, etc.- even things like the Christmas decorations you pick and choosing a sofa that wipes clean!

My husband and I share our finances and everything goes into the joint account so it's not something I think about with regards to my stepdaughter- it will come more into play when we start looking at inheritance planning.

However, people are quick to say you must "love a stepchild like your own", when often, that's not desirable for anyone. I love my stepdaughter, I don't love her like I love my daughter. She doesn't love me like she loves her Mum. That's the natural way of things.