To think stepparents should not be financially responsible for other people's children?

I always find these threads a bit triggering, as the oldest child of a bitter divorce where both parents remarried, had kids with someone else and both stepparents pushed me out of the close family unit in favour of their own children. My half-siblings will all benefit from inheritances that I won't get, and my childhood/teenage years were marred by arguments (and a court case) about who actually had to support me financially. Both stepparents begrudged any of their earnings in any way being spent on me, which was a problem seeing as both sets of parents had joint accounts.

Blended families are shit for the bio kids who ended up being cuckooed out of the nest.

@Mrsnothingthanks i think you are conflating two separate things - what is legally required and what is optional and what people chose to do

what bothers you so much that people chose to do things differently? That not everyone follows your views in life.

some people believe that marriage is a partnership and you take on and support what the other brings

does your husband ever spend time with your sons? Or are they always separate

I get that. But your point is people should financially provide for their own children and it's unreasonable if they expect step parents to, but others have the view that you should spend time with your children and look after them rather than expecting step parents to. In order to do one, you sacrifice the other. You're still relying on your step parent to do things for your kids, just in time rather than money. So you're using their resources. Some people would rather use their step parents money so they can spend more time with their kids as time is the valuable resource, and when your kids are older you might find they would have preferred your time. It's a balance of your priorities as with all things in life.

Why though? It’s not my problem my husbands ex only works part time and earns a quarter of what I do?!

When you make a new family you make a responsibility for the entre family not just the biological

If your partner bought a dog along would you refuse to feed it.

Well it is panto season and evil step parents to be expected I suppose

I had to assume responsibility for my stepdaughter, aged 11, when I met her mum in 2007 because her dad sure as f#ck didn't.

If you're married, that makes you a unit financially. I don't even know what the logical conclusion of "not being responsible" for step children looks like. Do you figure out how much less your mortgage would be if you needed fewer bedrooms, then the parent with the kids pays more accordingly? Do you divide the grocery shopping per member of the household? I have no idea. Do you work out the difference in cost between a small car and a big one and the parent pays the difference?

I guess if you're talking about paying for spending money and clothes and school trips then maybe it's reasonable the parent pays that, but those are vanishingly small expenses compared to the overall cost of running a family home.

Personally I'd have no interest in a marriage where we were anything other than a team, in every sense of the word, and that means sharing money and financial responsibilities.

I think it's great it works for you, but people value different things. Time is also a resource, not just money. You say you work six days a week to provide for your kids, do you think they'd rather spend that weekend day with you rather than step dad? If he contributed more money would that be possible? Is he actually contributing more in time to raising your children than you because he spends that whole day with them while you work? Does he also do more housework because of this so contributes more to the household that way? Not saying you're wrong btw because it's your own life, but it's food for thought on how other people might think about it hence have a different view to you.

I agree with you my ex does not 🙄

You are though, in regards to child maintenance….for instance husband and wife divorce, man moves with new partner who has children from a previous relationship.
Man then will pay a reduced amount of child maintenance to his former wife, as he now has the responsibility of his new partners children.

I think in principle, no they shouldn’t be financially ‘responsible’ for their stepkids. But in many homes finances are shared between a couple, both sets of wages go into a joint account. So in practice the step parent will contribute to the care of the child financially. Like when you go for the weekly shop there won’t be a separate amount from the natural parents money that buys groceries for that kid, when you go on outings as a blended family the costs will be shared you wouldn’t say ‘no you pay for the zoo out of your own money for Amy cos she’s not my kid’. Maybe some blended families keep separate accounts for this reason? Seems pretty cold and clinical to me but I guess whatever works for your family. There will be some families where the non resident parent is completely absent from the child’s life, is feckless, doesn’t contribute. The step parent won’t be financially responsible but will likely come to view the child as one of their own and feel they want to and need to look after them like one of their own.

I earn more than DH. He has a DD from a previous relationship and we have DS together. Whilst my income isn’t considered in terms of the maintenance he provides financially for his DD; I make sure that DSD has the same value for Xmas gifts / birthday gifts (maybe higher value as she is older than DS) as DS. If we are having a family day out the four of us, I will happily pay for her / her things. If she is with me and wants to buy a birthday present for her school friend (and her biological parents aren’t there), I will pay. Etc. it really isn’t a big deal. I believe as the higher earner that I have a responsibility to treat her fairly in comparison to our son.

I must be lucky then because I love my step dad more than my dad. My dad made a small contribution until my brother and I turned 18 but my step continued to support us until we were financially independent (he'd probably say that still hasn't happened!).
My own DH took on responsibility for my DS1. He outearns me considerably, how could we have a situation where our shared children have opportunities due to that but DS1 doesn't? DS1's dad wasn't able to financially contribute before he sadly passed away quite young.

This is me. I was self employed when I met dh, when we married a few years later, I was very part time.

A few years after that, I had our first child together and have not worked since.

Dh has never seen it as me exploiting him to pay for my son. He sees ds as his son to and he works to support our family, which he’s happy to do, regardless of if he’s ds biological father. I’m not taking advantage of him. This is how we want our family to run and it’s worked well for us.

Ds is an adult now and it’s my dh that he turns to above me or his father for advice etc. They have always had a wonderful, close relationship.

Another saying it depends.

If you are going to blend families, you can’t have some children immensely wealthier than other children, that is just cruel.

So, if there is a significant wealth discrepancy, you have the choice of keeping all children at the lower level or paying for your step children.

I missed the bit where the husband is carried their child, went through all the associated risks of pregnancy and childbirth and then took time away from his career to care for their newborn. In fact, her post makes it appear that she did all of that and he supported his family financially.