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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think stepparents should not be financially responsible for other people's children?

608 replies

Mrsnothingthanks · 01/12/2025 22:00

That's just it really. I'm married. My husband is only financially responsible for our daughter, not my other children. Why should he be? Not his kids!
Surprises me on MN that others think stepparents should assume financial responsibility for kids that aren't theirs!

OP posts:
NameChangexox · 03/12/2025 18:38

Tiswa · 03/12/2025 18:34

I mean I can see the mortgage because it is your house but 1 bill and the occasional food shop is cocklodger territory

Show quote history

All big food shops, given the high price of food he actually spends about the same as I pay for the mortgage each month. I only buy top up shop if needed.

Cariad10 · 03/12/2025 18:37

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/12/2025 16:50

You’re married, you’re a family. You work together including financially. I HATE the attitude on MN that stepkids are just some despised random DCs who don’t merit any care or consideration.

If you don’t want to part of a family which includes DCs that aren’t biological yours then don’t! But then don’t get married and fuck up the lives of some poor DCs that didn’t ask you to be there in the first place.

I totally agree with you , if you don't qt to take responsibility for the whole family don't marry someone with kids, wether emotionally or financially they all deserve to be treated equally
When my husband and I married I and 4 children we the had 2 of our own. He took full responsibility for all of them jointly with me. If he hadn't been prepared to treat them fully as his own I wouldn't have stayed with him.

badgerbee · 03/12/2025 18:36

I think it depends on the person, my husband wouldn’t dream of thinking like that but some would. You get to choose who you want as your spouse.

Tiswa · 03/12/2025 18:35

Mrsnothingthanks · 03/12/2025 18:30

@springtome I agree and disagree. If we take the three kids on holiday all together (as naturally we have done), I would pay the lion's share. I work in order to facilitate that. If I was a SAHM I wouldn't be earning so couldn't do that.
But if all three kids wanted to go, I would never take one and not the other/s.

Edited

What do you call lions share?

because fairly give everyone say 20% (unless free child place) your boys are 40% so the remaining 60% gets split so it is a 70/30 split

that isn’t the lions share IMO

Tiswa · 03/12/2025 18:34

NameChangexox · 03/12/2025 18:16

What is a fair split then? I have 2 kids, their dad has chosen to have nothing to do with them not seen them in years also doesn’t contribute financially again hasn’t in years (CMS cannot get him to pay he is self employed and absolutely playing the system). I have a new partner now been together a few years, he has no children but he lives in my house. I am higher earner, I pay mortgage and all but 1 household bill which he pays, he also pays for food shopping. I tend to do the top up shops. If he didn’t contribute because he isn’t the father of my kids I’d think he was a total cock lodger.. I mean sometimes I think he should contribute more!

Edited

I mean I can see the mortgage because it is your house but 1 bill and the occasional food shop is cocklodger territory

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 03/12/2025 18:30

@springtome I agree and disagree. If we take the three kids on holiday all together (as naturally we have done), I would pay the lion's share. I work in order to facilitate that. If I was a SAHM I wouldn't be earning so couldn't do that.
But if all three kids wanted to go, I would never take one and not the other/s.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 03/12/2025 18:30

Mrsnothingthanks · 03/12/2025 18:26

@NameChangexox Yes but he still lives there, no?

You seem to have a lot of strong opinions about how other people choose to organise their own finances, OP.

Maybe just accept that people might choose to do things differently?

Blablibladirladada · 03/12/2025 18:28

springtome · 03/12/2025 18:26

It depends. There was that story recently where the mum was a SAHM, presumably with her husband’s consent. Except he wouldn’t pay for her child to gonom holiday with them and their joint child so she was going to leave that child with family. This I think is really wrong.

She decided to leave her other child???

oh my. Trauma here we go!

IDidntSayThatSorry · 03/12/2025 18:27

ShiftingSand · 03/12/2025 13:49

All well and good but what if you can’t work for any period of time due to, say, illness or other serious condition? Would your ex husband step up and fill in the gaps?

Show quote history

This question has been asked over and over yet i haven't seen OP respond to it.

Blablibladirladada · 03/12/2025 18:27

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 03/12/2025 18:26

DH's kids were adults when we got together but I have never contributed to birthdays or Christmas for them or his grandchildren. I like them but I don't feel it's down to me.

Yeah but adults is massively different…you didn’t raise them.

Satisfiedwithanapple · 03/12/2025 18:27

I think Yabu, if you are married then your finances are joint like it or not. Thats the main point of marriage.

Calliopespa · 03/12/2025 18:26

Reverse

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 03/12/2025 18:26

@NameChangexox Yes but he still lives there, no?

OP posts:
springtome · 03/12/2025 18:26

It depends. There was that story recently where the mum was a SAHM, presumably with her husband’s consent. Except he wouldn’t pay for her child to gonom holiday with them and their joint child so she was going to leave that child with family. This I think is really wrong.

Blablibladirladada · 03/12/2025 18:26

Well…ai guess it depends what you mean by that?

I wouldn’t look favorably anyone making any difference between my children. I also wouldn’t be so happy about forking out everything for some of my kids and possibly leaving me with half nothing while my partner would enjoy himself…not his monkeys not his circus kinda style….

yeah. No. Actually what you say is just vile for anyone but the partner…are you trolling us or what?

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 03/12/2025 18:26

DH's kids were adults when we got together but I have never contributed to birthdays or Christmas for them or his grandchildren. I like them but I don't feel it's down to me.

IDidntSayThatSorry · 03/12/2025 18:26

Tiswa · 03/12/2025 14:04

The irony is of course that he probably does
in some ways pay more because her children exist / they must have one assumes a 4 bed house that wouldn’t be needed, how are utilities split etc/food bills or is she paying more

Exactly. OP's probably overcompensating. I mean he married someone with 2/3 children while he had none. I'd say making sure he doesn't feel it's a burden is quite a defensive yet reasonable thing to do for him and her children.

NameChangexox · 03/12/2025 18:24

Mrsnothingthanks · 03/12/2025 18:19

@NameChangexox Why are you paying the entire mortgage if he is living with you? That makes him a "cocklodger" - kids or no kids.

Because it’s my house not his! As I said I sometimes do think he should pay more, but at what point is that becoming financial responsible for my kids..

AzureFinch · 03/12/2025 18:24

Living with someone and sharing bills is essentially sharing responsibly. I don't see how you could separate that out

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 03/12/2025 18:19

@NameChangexox Why are you paying the entire mortgage if he is living with you? That makes him a "cocklodger" - kids or no kids.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessyouoldprick · 03/12/2025 18:17

MyMiniMetro · 03/12/2025 18:04

My my, this is so sad. Reducing parenting to who pays first what.

And the poor kids as well. Their parent married someone who thinks so little of them that they don’t see them as people to share with.

That being said, not all step parents have a responsibility.

My dh did, ds lived with us.

Dh dad remarried. I wouldn’t have expected his wife to have contributed anything, but ds only spent one or maybe two nights a month there. Plus ex h paid maintenance.

She didn’t have the same relationship ds did with my dh, living with him day in, day out. My dh sees ds as his son. She doesn’t. The relationship is different.

Original poster
Mrsnothingthanks · 03/12/2025 18:16

@user1476613140 And in cases of DV such as coercive control?

OP posts:
NameChangexox · 03/12/2025 18:16

What is a fair split then? I have 2 kids, their dad has chosen to have nothing to do with them not seen them in years also doesn’t contribute financially again hasn’t in years (CMS cannot get him to pay he is self employed and absolutely playing the system). I have a new partner now been together a few years, he has no children but he lives in my house. I am higher earner, I pay mortgage and all but 1 household bill which he pays, he also pays for food shopping. I tend to do the top up shops. If he didn’t contribute because he isn’t the father of my kids I’d think he was a total cock lodger.. I mean sometimes I think he should contribute more!

Laurmolonlabe · 03/12/2025 18:08

When you marry a person you also marry their past- so although you may agree that your new partner is not financially responsible for your kids it will financially impact upon his life and his finances- pretending they are completely separate is disingenuous , at best- the fact you have other children affects him,how could it not?

Velvetcloud25 · 03/12/2025 18:04

If you live with your partner surly your therefore a family. We share money so if his child needed a new coat it would come out the pot.