I’m finally brave enough to get a restraining order… BUT

NeedingASafeSpace · 2025-12-01T19:34:40+00:00

He is threatening me with all sorts. he’s saying how I’ll lose my kids. How he can prove that I abused him in front of his children. How he’s going to tell my council I stayed at his place while I am living in temporary accommodation (he pressured me to as he accused me of texting other men when I stayed alone). He was screaming down a voice note saying how I’ll cause loads of “shit” he text my dad saying “sort your daughter out before she causes shit”. I told him he cannot discuss our DS amicably without trying to control me (he rang me and told me how he’s so over me and has had anal sex with a woman and slept with others since me when there was no mention of anything to do with us and I tried to only talk about my son) he tried dictating to me when he would have my son and I my son isn’t even 2. I can’t deal with this. He harasses my dads phone about me and slanders me on social media calling me controlling when it’s him who’s the big bully! finally I have snapped and told him he cannot discuss our take me to court to see our son. He lost it(his temper) I told him how he’s had physically attacked me in front of my son screamed at me in front of him and ripped my things from my hands etc showing him that’s acceptable and I am not having it. I said he’s out of control and I want him no where near my son. He’s threatening me so much.

dollyblue01 · 03/12/2025 10:19

Contact the dv team at your local council and get some support from them.

DuchessDandelion · 03/12/2025 10:11

Restraining orders do work - maybe not in every case but they do work.

@NeedingASafeSpace you need to make sure the non molestation order carries powers of arrest, this means if he breaks it the police can arrest him. They'll be powerless if the order doesn't give them powers of arrest.

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 03/12/2025 10:08

MumOfTheMoos · 03/12/2025 09:54

Before you can worry about how your son feels at 17, make sure you and he are still around and in one piece to have the luxury of being a teenager cross with their Mum.

As others have said - act now.

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Chillingly true statement! X

OP posts:

MumOfTheMoos · 03/12/2025 09:54

NeedingASafeSpace · 03/12/2025 06:56

Thank you for your advice. Your background has given me a lot of confidence actually. He did tackle me to the ground in front of my son although I don’t have any evidence other than me texting him telling him how he is wrong for it and then he doesn’t deny it but doesn’t confirm it either. He’s absuive through and through my man concern is if my son challenges me ruining a relationship with him and his father when he’s older. Although my son’s father has another son who doesn’t talk to him. He used to take him out at 17 drinking and encouraging (in fact getting him girls) to cheat on his girlfriend because he was “too young to be in a serious relationship”. I told him he was wrong for doing this but I don’t want this type of stuff for my son.

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Before you can worry about how your son feels at 17, make sure you and he are still around and in one piece to have the luxury of being a teenager cross with their Mum.

As others have said - act now.

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 03/12/2025 09:51

analysetheintelligence · 03/12/2025 09:39

I too work in the arena, I never said not to bother, I said there’s a need to be realistic.

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Yes, and my original response, that you responded to, was to someone else. The quote facility shows who someone is replying to, you responded to my response to someone else. I never said you said anything, since I wasn't responding to you.

analysetheintelligence · 03/12/2025 09:39

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 03/12/2025 06:31

That's hardly the same thing as saying 'restraining orders don't work'
I've worked with many women who have had perpetrators jailed for breaches of restraining orders. They don't work by themselves, obviously, but breaching them is a criminal offence and they are part of the toolkit to protect women and children. Telling a woman not to bother because they don't work is extremely irresponsible.

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I too work in the arena, I never said not to bother, I said there’s a need to be realistic.

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 03/12/2025 09:31

BloodyHellRonWeasley · 03/12/2025 07:19

It is in your son's best interests NOW to protect you both from this violent bully. It is your job as a mum to keep you both safe. If your son is upset with you later down the line, then that is something you deal with then.

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Yes very true. I fee so guilty. I know I shouldn’t because he is awful and abusive. But it’s such a huge decision I feel bad on the “what if” this negatively affects my child. Although I do feel like this is the best choice I can make right now.

OP posts:

BloodyHellRonWeasley · 03/12/2025 07:19

NeedingASafeSpace · 03/12/2025 06:56

Thank you for your advice. Your background has given me a lot of confidence actually. He did tackle me to the ground in front of my son although I don’t have any evidence other than me texting him telling him how he is wrong for it and then he doesn’t deny it but doesn’t confirm it either. He’s absuive through and through my man concern is if my son challenges me ruining a relationship with him and his father when he’s older. Although my son’s father has another son who doesn’t talk to him. He used to take him out at 17 drinking and encouraging (in fact getting him girls) to cheat on his girlfriend because he was “too young to be in a serious relationship”. I told him he was wrong for doing this but I don’t want this type of stuff for my son.

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It is in your son's best interests NOW to protect you both from this violent bully. It is your job as a mum to keep you both safe. If your son is upset with you later down the line, then that is something you deal with then.

ThisCyanPoet · 03/12/2025 07:07

Back those voice notes up so he can’t delete them from his side.

These are your exhibits for your non-mol application. If you have other evidence, add it all.

They will grant it as it’s much, much easier to get through the civil (family) court yourself than reporting him to the police and getting one through the criminal court.

The civil process will make it a criminal offence for him to contact or come near you/your family. He will be instantly arrested the second he does.

Reporting to the police means they “warn him” a number of times before passing anything to the CPS, which can take months and they may not even prosecute or it will take ages.

When you do your application, request a hearing without notice and you’ll be heard and have an order within a week.

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 03/12/2025 06:56

MumOfTheMoos · 03/12/2025 06:52

As a former magistrate I agree that both the courts and social services have seen it all before. Nothing this man is doing or threatening is new and they will have the measure of him. It’s just men like him don’t realise how ‘un-unique’ they are.

Save texts, take pictures of injuries etc, etc. - as others have said, gather evidence as it makes it easier for them to help you. Especially if he does this stuff in front of your child - that is an aggravating factor.

Abusers threatening social services is very common, don’t let it spook you - it is just him trying to control you and whilst if he goes to them they will be in touch, it will probably end up helping you not him (which in the end, why he hs likely not to do it).

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Thank you for your advice. Your background has given me a lot of confidence actually. He did tackle me to the ground in front of my son although I don’t have any evidence other than me texting him telling him how he is wrong for it and then he doesn’t deny it but doesn’t confirm it either. He’s absuive through and through my man concern is if my son challenges me ruining a relationship with him and his father when he’s older. Although my son’s father has another son who doesn’t talk to him. He used to take him out at 17 drinking and encouraging (in fact getting him girls) to cheat on his girlfriend because he was “too young to be in a serious relationship”. I told him he was wrong for doing this but I don’t want this type of stuff for my son.

OP posts:

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 03/12/2025 06:53

Elsvieta · 03/12/2025 06:48

You mean you're still seeing him in person? I think you should stop that straight away - he could use it to claim you're not really scared of him and so on.

Make a police report today.

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No am I bloody heck sorry it’s how I’ve worded it. I feel like I’m still in the present but no I’m definitely not seeing him in person. He’s blocked and been told to not contact me my family or family friends in fact here’s the text that I sent (before he called me 16 times off no caller ID until I informed him the calls would further strengthen my case if he didn’t stop. He then stopped):

“Do not pick [child name] up from nursery Wednesday. You will have to go through court to see him. You’re a controlling and a bully. You’re in and out of his life when you feel like it. You scream in front of him abuse me by physically tackling me to the floor had in him tears and screamed at me while you had hold of him. I have witnesses from [DD] party too. Do not collect him. Do not contact me. Do not contact my family and a letter WILL be through your door however long it takes. Don’t contact any of my family or family friends about me. You have it in writing.”

when I answered my no caller ID to tell him to stop he told me how I was out of order for stopping contact and it wasn’t fair on DS. I think it is reasonable. He doesn’t seem like he puts his relationship first, rather only use him to dictate my ability to have freedom.

OP posts:

MumOfTheMoos · 03/12/2025 06:52

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 03/12/2025 06:33

I think it will be a non molestation order you'll be applying for - a restraining order can only be granted after a conviction.
If he reports you to social services then you tell them all the things that he has done and how this is a further attempt to abuse and control you. They have heard it all before, they won't be shocked or disbelieve you. Don't let that be a barrier for you to report it.

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As a former magistrate I agree that both the courts and social services have seen it all before. Nothing this man is doing or threatening is new and they will have the measure of him. It’s just men like him don’t realise how ‘un-unique’ they are.

Save texts, take pictures of injuries etc, etc. - as others have said, gather evidence as it makes it easier for them to help you. Especially if he does this stuff in front of your child - that is an aggravating factor.

Abusers threatening social services is very common, don’t let it spook you - it is just him trying to control you and whilst if he goes to them they will be in touch, it will probably end up helping you not him (which in the end, why he hs likely not to do it).

Elsvieta · 03/12/2025 06:48

NeedingASafeSpace · 03/12/2025 06:07

I have a voicenote where he acknowledges he gave me a black eye when I was pregnant and says that it was an accident and said if anyone in my family questions him he would use violence against them. Other than that when wedicuss his actions he grabs my phone off me and takes it off me (or he did) to make sure I don’t record for evidence. He usually broke it after he got it too x

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You mean you're still seeing him in person? I think you should stop that straight away - he could use it to claim you're not really scared of him and so on.

Make a police report today.

Linenpickle · 03/12/2025 06:42

Go to the police today. Your son will be thankful in years to come.

MumOfTheMoos · 03/12/2025 06:41

NeedingASafeSpace · 01/12/2025 21:35

I can’t help but wonder if my son going to hate me for cutting his dad out?

Nope. He will be relieved that he does not have to deal with this violent man. And I tell you that as a child of a violent man who threaten my mother with social services.

4321baby · 03/12/2025 06:38

Get a couple of cheap cameras they do give a little sense of security.

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 03/12/2025 06:33

NeedingASafeSpace · 03/12/2025 06:16

I’m no contact with him. He’s blocked on everything and I’ve told him to not contact me or my family and he is to go through court to get access to my DS. Not that he will. I am going to look into a restraining order today while I work from home. Can I ask, if he then goes on to report me to social services like he’s said he will (for who knows what. I have never done anything to harm my children) then will they take the restraining order in to account and can I report him for further harassment?

Show quote history

I think it will be a non molestation order you'll be applying for - a restraining order can only be granted after a conviction.
If he reports you to social services then you tell them all the things that he has done and how this is a further attempt to abuse and control you. They have heard it all before, they won't be shocked or disbelieve you. Don't let that be a barrier for you to report it.

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 03/12/2025 06:31

analysetheintelligence · 02/12/2025 07:40

I’m not sure it is wrong though? I’ve also known this to happen, it’s realistic to say that whilst an order is worth having, things can still be difficult afterwards.

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That's hardly the same thing as saying 'restraining orders don't work'
I've worked with many women who have had perpetrators jailed for breaches of restraining orders. They don't work by themselves, obviously, but breaching them is a criminal offence and they are part of the toolkit to protect women and children. Telling a woman not to bother because they don't work is extremely irresponsible.

GreenGodiva · 03/12/2025 06:31

You and your family need to download call recording apps and keep evidence of EVERYTHING. Every single scrap of info will be useful to show a pattern of cooking and awful behaviour going forward.

he’s being such a twat never he realises he’s losing his grip on you, this is a last ditch attempt to rein you back in. Stay strong and stay far the fuck away from him. Do not query about your children and as etc, get rich him while saving all of this evidence and DO NOT RETALIATE

Justwrong68 · 03/12/2025 06:21

NeedingASafeSpace · 01/12/2025 21:35

I can’t help but wonder if my son going to hate me for cutting his dad out?

I’m sure there’s no chance of this. My dc is grown up now and totally gets why I had to leave.

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 03/12/2025 06:16

cleo333 · 03/12/2025 06:14

Record everything he does and says and report report . In my case the order worked and they went and got him at 4am and it stopped . Then I started my recovery

I’m no contact with him. He’s blocked on everything and I’ve told him to not contact me or my family and he is to go through court to get access to my DS. Not that he will. I am going to look into a restraining order today while I work from home. Can I ask, if he then goes on to report me to social services like he’s said he will (for who knows what. I have never done anything to harm my children) then will they take the restraining order in to account and can I report him for further harassment?

OP posts:

cleo333 · 03/12/2025 06:14

Record everything he does and says and report report . In my case the order worked and they went and got him at 4am and it stopped . Then I started my recovery

Original poster

NeedingASafeSpace · 03/12/2025 06:07

Elsvieta · 02/12/2025 19:06

Keep ALL his messages. Have you got anything where he acknowledges he was violent? And if not, can you get it? Like if you just mention it will he maybe say "yeah but you made me do that by nagging" or something? Get all the evidence you can, and get the restraining order. Be brave x

I have a voicenote where he acknowledges he gave me a black eye when I was pregnant and says that it was an accident and said if anyone in my family questions him he would use violence against them. Other than that when wedicuss his actions he grabs my phone off me and takes it off me (or he did) to make sure I don’t record for evidence. He usually broke it after he got it too x

OP posts:

Elsvieta · 02/12/2025 19:06

Keep ALL his messages. Have you got anything where he acknowledges he was violent? And if not, can you get it? Like if you just mention it will he maybe say "yeah but you made me do that by nagging" or something? Get all the evidence you can, and get the restraining order. Be brave x

Redburnett · 02/12/2025 07:47

Restraining orders can work. If breaches are reported every time then prison is highly likely. Where they are more problematic is where contact is initiated by the person who took out the restraining order in the first place, don't fall into that trap.