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AIBU?

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Original poster

Disrespectful Older Daughter.

83 replies

CosyDreamer · 01/12/2025 17:50

AIBU or just taking things to heart?

Some of you may have seen my previous thread about struggling to keep up with the family washing. I took some advice and my normally pleasant eldest daughter has completely threw a fit when I told her that in future she and my eldest boy needs to help contribute to the washing and to start washing and drying their own clothes and bedding etc as it’s time they pulled their weight. My eldest lad has agreed to do his and said it was half expecting it and he is happy to do so. She on the other hand is not happy at all.
Her dad just stood by yesterday when she threw a fit and started calling me for telling her this is how it’s going to be. Now I’m absolutely fuming as I’ve raised this girl as my own daughter since she was 7 as her mother isn’t around anymore and I expected abit more respect from her but I also expected DH to actually pull her up for how she spoke to me. I’ve spoken to him and told him I’m not at all impressed and he said he was kind of shocked at her outburst and did speak to her about it afterwards but she done her famous putting on the tears and saying it’s because she felt poorly etc that she snapped. Told DH she would apologise (which she still hasn’t) and is sorry and it was left at that. This morning I've got up and put a full wash load on before I headed out to work and she’s pulled her face and said I need to wash my things too and started moaning about how it’s not fair that she has things to wash and I’m using the machine. I’ve told her while she has the day off work she can wait for the washer to finish and once it’s done she can use it while nobody is here once the current load was done.
I’ve just got home and my washing is still in the machine (not a big deal) and I will get that out now but she’s gone her friends and just left her washing on the floor near the machine and told her dad that I said she couldn’t use the machine!!
AIBU and being abit touchy or am I right to be really annoyed with her?

OP posts:
Mizztikle · 04/12/2025 14:52

just leave her dirty stuff in the basket, once she cant find the top she wants to wear she'll be washing regularly.

Doteycat · 04/12/2025 14:09

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Original poster
CosyDreamer · 04/12/2025 13:50

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If you read my post correctly you would see it was her older brother who is 21 who said that. So you can’t judge me or my home based on that when you don’t even know me personally 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
CosyDreamer · 04/12/2025 13:46

Tillow4ever · 04/12/2025 13:15

Oh that sounds better then! Running 2 machines at the same time definitely sounds sensible under those circumstances.

Good luck with the attitude to your daughter pulling her weight! By the way, I absolutely love seeing you refer to her as your daughter, not step daughter - this to me speaks volumes about how you see your relationship with her.

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Thank you both my eldest children are from my DH and his ex partner but I see them both as mine as I’ve brought them up from a young age. At the end of the day they are my family no matter the circumstances

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 04/12/2025 13:15

CosyDreamer · 04/12/2025 12:41

It’s not down to get attitude, I actually did post the other day on another thread saying I was struggling to keep up with the laundry, this was suggested as we have so much to do and DH agreed maybe another one would be best to try stay on top of it rather than drowning under it

Show quote history

Oh that sounds better then! Running 2 machines at the same time definitely sounds sensible under those circumstances.

Good luck with the attitude to your daughter pulling her weight! By the way, I absolutely love seeing you refer to her as your daughter, not step daughter - this to me speaks volumes about how you see your relationship with her.

Doteycat · 04/12/2025 13:14

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Original poster
CosyDreamer · 04/12/2025 12:41

Tillow4ever · 04/12/2025 12:09

I can’t quite get over the fact you’ve bought a second washing machine rather than dealing with her attitude.

It’s not down to get attitude, I actually did post the other day on another thread saying I was struggling to keep up with the laundry, this was suggested as we have so much to do and DH agreed maybe another one would be best to try stay on top of it rather than drowning under it

OP posts:
Driftingawaynow · 04/12/2025 12:30

CosyDreamer · 04/12/2025 10:21

I’m far from hostile and angry at her. But any little thing that isn’t going her way she turns on the tears, such as when DS1 had football practice we had to take him to a different location than usual as normally he would walk but they were replacing the all weather pitches and it was a good distance that it wasn’t really a 10minutes walk there she cried because we couldn’t drop her off at her friends instantly when she wanted and it was something she had just decided to do that minute so wasn’t really pre planned.
As for the do I think I’m good to raising her since her mother walked out not passed awat or anything walked out and left her, DS1 and DH high and dry. No I don’t think I’m good, I was fully aware getting with DH that he has 2 children and I treated them as I would my own and always been fair with them. When she was struggling in school with Mathematics coming up to GCSE I arranged a tutor, I took her prom dress shopping, I take her to get her nails done with me and DD2. I’ve never treated her any differently but she can cry at the drop of a hat if things aren’t going her way.

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It sounds like you’ve done a lot for her, but I’m talking about the emotional side of it, rather than the material things you’ve offered. Also her mother walking out on her is a massive and deeply traumatic event, in some ways worse than bereavement as it’s her mothers choice to abandon her. Head fuck
just saying, you catch more flies with honey and you sound abrasive

Tillow4ever · 04/12/2025 12:09

I can’t quite get over the fact you’ve bought a second washing machine rather than dealing with her attitude.

ThisLittlePony · 04/12/2025 12:02

How old are your own dc?

Swiftie1878 · 04/12/2025 11:57

Thatsalineallright · 04/12/2025 09:30

A family is not a democracy. A bratty teen does not have an equal voice to the adults who are working hard to put a roof over their heads and food on the table.

The OP has been doing all the work up until now while the daughter does nothing. OP is absolutely within her rights to announce she isn't doing DD's washing any more.

I honestly despair over how little is expected from teenagers.

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Tbf, according to the OP’s update they’re actually doing quite a lot of housework!

Original poster
CosyDreamer · 04/12/2025 10:46

justbecauseyoucandoesntmeanyoushouldx · 04/12/2025 07:56

But did she know she could take your clothes out without you getting pissed off? Tbh with 7 of you in the house asking the older ones to do their own washing is fair enough, but then sticking yours in and buggering off for the day is a bit crap - what would you have said if she'd done that?

I think a better discussion about expectations is needed.

I would have waited, unloaded it once done and hung it out. She knew all she had to do was put it in the wet basket and leave it on the utility worktop as I said to her to do so if she wanted to use the machine once it was finished. I had to put a wash on and leave as I was going to work straight from the school run, wasn’t just going out for the day for anything exciting and my youngest DD had an accident in her bed (wee) so yes it did need washing straight away along with the PJs and the sheets and the few other bits that just got threw in along with it rather than leaving it all day with the urine smell on it.

OP posts:
moneyadviceplease · 04/12/2025 10:45

Oh for gods sake all these people pandering about the washing. At 19 she’s perfectly capable of doing her own washing. If you’ve washing in the machine she either does hers later or she puts yours in the drier / hangs it out. Also given it’s in the machine just putting your washing in a basket is also ok so you can deal with it later.

I told, didn’t ask, my eldest, that I wasn’t doing his washing any more as I was drowning in washing and didn’t think it was fair when he was perfectly capable of doing his own washing, guess that happened? He does his own washing!!! On occasion I might fold it and put it in his room if I need the utility room or have some time but quite frankly life is too short for me to do my adult kids washing. Not everything needs to be a discussion. Explain what is happening, if they don’t like it, tough, have dirty clothes, and crack on

Original poster
CosyDreamer · 04/12/2025 10:21

Driftingawaynow · 04/12/2025 09:24

She done her famous putting on the tears

Sounds like you don’t really like her right? And you expect respect because you were good e to raise her after she lost her mother. She’s having a “fit”- what exactly does this mean?
She’s a teen and they are dicks but you sound hostile, angry and critical. Where’s the love and encouragement?

I’m far from hostile and angry at her. But any little thing that isn’t going her way she turns on the tears, such as when DS1 had football practice we had to take him to a different location than usual as normally he would walk but they were replacing the all weather pitches and it was a good distance that it wasn’t really a 10minutes walk there she cried because we couldn’t drop her off at her friends instantly when she wanted and it was something she had just decided to do that minute so wasn’t really pre planned.
As for the do I think I’m good to raising her since her mother walked out not passed awat or anything walked out and left her, DS1 and DH high and dry. No I don’t think I’m good, I was fully aware getting with DH that he has 2 children and I treated them as I would my own and always been fair with them. When she was struggling in school with Mathematics coming up to GCSE I arranged a tutor, I took her prom dress shopping, I take her to get her nails done with me and DD2. I’ve never treated her any differently but she can cry at the drop of a hat if things aren’t going her way.

OP posts:
AstarionsDarkUrge · 04/12/2025 10:20

Jesus Christ. My 11 year old does her own washing and would know to our my washing in the drier if she needed to use the washing machine. Pathetic really how a 19 year old couldn’t figure that out!

LizzieW1969 · 04/12/2025 10:14

YANBU IMO, completely. At her age I happily did the family washing. Because I did my own washing at the same time and didn’t mind doing the family washing as well.

ldnmusic87 · 04/12/2025 10:13

This is not about the washing, it's about your relationship with her.

Tourmalines · 04/12/2025 10:12

She sounds like a child !!! She’s 19 ! One major fact is that she lied to her father about what you said . She needs pulling up on that. Good lord ! You have every right to be pissed off .

LoveSandbanks · 04/12/2025 10:09

All of mine do their own laundry, generally they check in with me “I need to do my laundry tonight mum”. And just get on with it. If there’s laundry in the machine they just put it in the laundry basket and leave it there.

Youngest is 17 and they’re all boys.

Devilrocknroller · 04/12/2025 10:02

19?! Bloody hell that’s not nearly an adult - that is an adult! Tell her to grown up and act like one, or else she can move out like other 19 year olds do! Then she can learn how hard housework is, not just doing her own laundry. Lordy!

Octavia64 · 04/12/2025 09:57

I bought a load of ikea bags and the deal was that if someone’s washing had finished then you put it in an Ikea bag and left it for them to sort.

I did also buy an airer each that in summer goes outside and in winter is in bedrooms.

she’s 19. It’s perfectly reasonable for her to do her own washing. Ride this out.

Isayitasitis · 04/12/2025 09:54

Remember this is someone who is 19! Not 9.

Makes me wonder how some of these molly coddled younger people will cope in the big bad world...

Isayitasitis · 04/12/2025 09:53

Jesus she can put her own washing on, some of these replies honestly.

She's not a bloody baby!

She probably like this now because no one has ever been tough with her. Have to grow up sometime!

She could have put the op's washing in a basket for op to deal with, it's not rocket science.

Tootiredforthis23 · 04/12/2025 09:52

I don’t think YABU to expect them to help with washing (especially at 19!), my DC are in primary and all help load and unload the washing machine. But I do think you were unreasonable to put your wash on and then go out. You should have left the washer free for someone to use in the day and washed yours once you got home. Yes she could have got your washing out but if you’re insisting everyone does their own washing then I can see why she didn’t.

So either you all sort your own and you only put a wash on when you’re there to get it out OR everyone’s washing is done together but if you put a wash on before you leave it is X persons job on X day to get it out and put it on the drier. At 19 she’s not a child anymore, she’s capable of that. I’d start setting up a rota for tasks that need doing, like cooking meals etc so everyone knows their role.

mumonthehill · 04/12/2025 09:52

We gave ds 2 days during the week that we would keep the machine free for him to use and it worked really well and as there was never any argument that he could not use it as it was already on. He has done his own washing since he was 15. If he puts it on and asks I will then hang it up of I am around but if not then it just gets taken out of the machine and left for him to sort. He is good at doing it.