Friend who told me to 'move on' after partner died... wants to meet up again.

Just tell her you’ve moved on from being friends with her. Touché!

I wouldn't be able to get over that comment either. It's times like these that show us who people really are.

For the record, I divorced my exH over a couple of unpleasant things he said while my mum had cancer. She survived and is still here but at the time, it looked like she may not make it past the end of the year. It was a horrible time.

I remember looking at him in a totally different light. He was a dick anyway but something about what he said turned a light bulb in my head.

Sounds like she wasn't a very good friend when you needed her anyway, and that comment just really shows it loud and clear.

I don't know. I dropped a friend once for making a tactless comment and was sorry afterwards.

Could you meet her once for a low key dinner and see how it goes? See if she knows she said the wrong thing and accepts you moving at your own pace?

If someone hasn't bothered to given any thought to their comment then you cannot say it was made with positive intent or without malice.

Grieving people do not have to be the punching bags of people too careless and stupid to use their brains to avoid wounding someone.

I'm sorry for your loss - and sorry that you've been made to feel you need to justify your completely normal and natural grief.

Bereavement shows you who your friends are. She isn't one.

My mum died young and after 6 months someone told me that since it had been 6 months I should have been "over it" and have "forgotten her" by then. Unlike you, I told them what I thought of their comment. They are not part of my life anymore and I don't regret that.

You are allowed to have boundaries and to protect yourself from dickheads.

Don't see her again OP. Grief does indeed change your address book and in some ways your whole outlook on life and humanity. I will never forget (or forgive) a couple of comments from people after my DH died quite suddenly. I know people don't "get it" until it happens to them but still. I'd put a truly brave face on it too, so I wasn't courting sympathy or anything.

Sometimes people are reluctant to accept that things were said without malice and positive intent in mind!

These things go both ways

You say you can’t stand the thought of bothering with anything that doesn’t interest you yet you seem keen to burn energy on this and a comment that was said 3 years ago with nil malice but utter thoughtlessness

I wouldn’t have anything to do with her. She’s been very unkind and clearly is totally focussed on herself. Her recent comment of l’m back reinforces that. Block and move on.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

People can say really stupid stuff but it’s the lack of consideration and understanding that’s hurtful when you need people the most.

I’ve stopped speaking to certain people following an unexpected bereavement of a young member of my family. One person who I considered a good friend never mentioned it. They never said they were sorry to hear…. or anything. It wasn’t mentioned once. I was beyond hurt. I understand people don’t know what to say but that is a really shit excuse.

What I did learn from the whole sorry experience was that life is really fucking short so spend it doing things you want to with people you want to spend time with.

I'm so sorry.

YANBU to not want to see her again. Grief changes you.

Ah OP I’m sorry for your loss. I can relate and I think it’s important that when people cock up with their stupid insensitive statements that you allow yourself to stand back and assess what’s behind the idiocy. Sometimes it’s just mouth running ahead of brain. Sometimes people are really insensitive but don’t realise they have been because they were not privy to the specific details of your circumstances or the circumstances of someone’s death. Sometimes they are insensitive full stop.

so you have to decide whether you can let it go or if it’s too hurtful to get past. And part of that decision will also require you to weigh up their attitude and intentions.

I had friends say very silly things but they were mistakes and the friends themselves were generally fabulously helpful and kind. If your friend is a) insensitive and b) a user, you’re perfectly entitled to decide that they are not worthy of your emotional energy or physical presence.

People can say the most unbelievable things, cant they?

3 months after my dad died I was out with the 'nursery mums' and one of them said: "Aww, your still upset about it aren't you?" I was speechless to be honest - it had been mere weeks! The same woman lost her grandad 2 years ago and she regularly posts on fb about how sad she is and how much she misses him. I've resisted the urge to comment about her STILL being upset but I dont have anything to do with her anymore even though our kids are at the same school.

Just to add, they had asked about my dad, I didn't bring it up and wasnt being a party pooper! It was just after Christmas (obviously my first without him) so yes I did get teary eyed when they brought it up 😪

Six months after my baby son died my mother told me " you should be over that by now". Fifty years on and I've never forgotten that or ceased to be hurt by it.

So i totally empathise with you OP. There is no right and wrong about grief: you grieve in the way you need to and for as long as you need to.

This woman hurt you at a very low and vulnerable time in your life and you need to protect yourself from her.

I'm so sorry about your partner.
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Sometimes people say things that cut deep and you just can't get past it. An old friend of mine once made a really shitty, mean, unnecessary and unhelpful comment to (and about) me when I was at a low point and I just couldn't really see her in the same way after that. If you don't feel like continuing the friendship you have no obligation whatsoever to do so. 💐

I would honestly ghost & block her. Vile woman. 🫂

I'd tell her you don't want to meet up with her as you don't wish to maintain the friendship with her because what she said. Then just leave it at that.

When my mother was dying of cancer and I was in my 20s, I lost a friend. I was at her house one evening, and she excitedly offered me a book to read. She thought it would be of huge help to my mother. It was a spiritual thing about how all bodily illness is the result of something the person did in a previous life. She genuinely thought I and my mum would be delighted by a book that explained to her how she'd brought her cancer upon herself through previous wrong-doing.

I couldn't have even begun to explain to her how I felt, and I didn't try. But I never saw her again.

Shortly after that, when my mum had died, I also cut ties with my then boyfriend. He'd known my mum personally. I was very numb after we lost her, and I remember the first time I actually cried was around three months later, when I was round at my boyfriend's house. He reacted by saying, 'Oh for God's sake get over it, it's been three months'.

We have mutual friends who have invited him to birthday parties, weddings etc over the years, and I will avoid going because I never want to clap eyes in him again. This was 25 years ago and it's a grudge I'll gladly take to my grave.

You are most certainly not being unreasonable.

So sorry for your loss xxx

I can completely see why you would never want to see her again.

My friend fell out with my DH months after his best mate’s wife died because he would not set her up with his best friend who was obviously absolutely bereft and beside himself with grief.

I’ve dropped the friendship over it. I could just never see her the same way again. So I completely get what you mean and that wasn’t even my own grief, your situation must cut very deep.

If you haven't lost a spouse, I don't think you get the intensity of how it affects every facet of your life when that connection is severed. I think a sudden loss is even more difficult because there's no time to prepare and get things in order.

You weren't and aren't in the headspace to play tour guide/party buddy for someone who is telling you how to feel about your loss and seems to be dismissive of grief. She's not an understanding friend.

I'm sorry for your loss.

It sounds like the tactless comment is a small part of the picture and you find hanging out with her a chore.

If you don’t want to spend your free time with her, you don’t have to. It’s as simple as that.

I am sorry for your loss, Personally I wouldn’t want to know someone as cold and tactless as that.

YANBU at all.
Being generous, I'd say it probably came from a good, but stupid place. She was trying to be stoic and helpful without the knowledge of what grief really feels like.
If you don't want to see her again that is absolutely fine. Do what makes you most comfortable.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss ❤️

Grief does tend to show us who people really are and how dependable or otherwise they may be. I think you sum it up yourself when you say about not wanting superficial friendships, who has the energy for it at the best of times?

After my dad died a friend of my mums tried to embroil her into selling raffle tickets at a busy charity event happening the following week. When mum protested that she wasn't up for it she was told how selfish she was not wanting to help charity and it had been "ages" since DDads passing. It had actually been 10 days.

When it comes to grief some people are just dicks unfortunately.

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Look after yourself x