Friend who told me to 'move on' after partner died... wants to meet up again.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I wish I was shocked at what your friend said, but honestly when I lost my dad (over 10 years ago now) I really did see the best in some people and the worst in others.

One friend (an ex who was supposedly still my friend) told me he couldn’t come to the funeral because grief “wasn’t his thing”. A couple of years after that he did actually call me to apologise - he’d lost his mum, and after joining the grief club he realised what a complete dick he’d been when I was going through it.

None of my best friends came to his funeral, and when I asked one of them why, she said it was because they didn’t really know my dad, and that if it had been my mum, of course they’d have been there because they knew her better. I explained to her that actually I’d hoped at least one of them might have been able to come to support me, and the sudden moment of realisation on her face was actually really sad to see. Luckily the group learned, and everyone attended the only parent funeral that has occurred since.

I also had someone send me a really abusive message when I put up a FB post about a run I was going to raise money for a charity that had supported my dad. She wasn’t tagged in it or anything, she could have ignored/unfollowed/unfriended etc, but she chose to send me some really awful ramblings about how vile it was that I was exploiting my dad’s death for likes. I try to be kind in my thoughts that she must have been projecting some of her own issues onto that one.

Sorry for your loss

Say you’re busy with a work project/anything and don’t have any spare time. She’s obviously not that close a friend.

and I’m also sorry vultures contested the will. Money brings out the worst in people 😔

Just because you haven’t experienced grief doesn’t mean you don’t have an idea about how other people who do feel?!!!

she’s not a friend she is a nasty user who just wants entertainment and someone to keep her company when in londom!

Wtf. That is outrageous.

So sorry.

I think it's best to move on from her. She was colossally insensitive and selfish. I wouldn't open up a debate, I'd just say I wasn't able to see her atm. Work / whatever bullshit excuse. You'll regret letting her back into your life one way or another.

not unreasonable, 7 months is no time at all. My best friend died unexpectedly a couple of years ago and it took at least 9 months before I felt like myself again, of course you weren’t up to partying after 7 months. I think it will be difficult to get back to having a meaningful friendship with this person again.

I don't think it's worth bothering with someone like this tbh.

So sorry for your loss OP. I have also lost people I loved, but I'm expecting that if my DH goes before me, the grief will be completely off the scale. It must be terrible.
Your friend doesn't have a clue, but she hasn't intended to hurt you and likely wanted to help you by injecting some pizzazz, getting you back on your feet, providing some distraction, blah blah. If she was a good friend once perhaps you can forgive her you might be glad of it one day.

Having said that, I still haven't forgiven the friend who, the week after I lost my most beloved mother in my twenties, said 'Don't worry, you'll get over it'. !!

You're so right that grief changes your address book, and your family - chosen and blood.

Has she been in touch during the time she wasn't in London? I'd be very clear that you aren't free to meet up but hope she enjoys her time while she's in London. End of conversation.

I have an ex-friend who used to say this to me after anything significant happened to me. It is hugely dismissive and is usually said because the person in question doesn’t want to hear you talk about your loss. I agree people who haven’t lost anyone have no idea what it feels like but there is no need to be so insensitive. 7 months is very early in the grieving process.

She didn’t want you to ‘move on’ so that you would or could feel happy one day again.

She wanted you to ‘move on’ solely for the person or being her sidekick and go to loud fun filled places and even perhaps so she can be on the pull.

She sounds like an utterly ghastly woman so I would have no qualms about dropping her.

7 months is no time after losing a partner.

I wouldn't, not a chance. I've ditched close friends who wouldn't let me grieve and expected me to get back to 'normal' quite quickly. Fuck that shit.

I wouldn't even reply.

It could have been well meaning but delivered/received poorly. People do need to move on after grief, of course it will always come back and hit us at times, but we shouldn't let it become our whole lives. Maybe some bereavement counselling could help you move on.

Sorry for your loss.I was widowed 28years ago,it was sudden.I found out who my real friends were.Some of my so called “friends” back then I cut contact with completely.This woman sounds like a user,just say no.

Grief has no timeline. I remember my cousin saying to me many years after his Mum died (he was 17 years old at the time), that ''it's something you never get over, it's something you learn to live with'. Losing your partner suddenly, and then having a friend 7 months later essentially telling you to 'get over it and move on' is utterly dreadful. Tactless, insensitive and lacking basic empathy. She wanted a good time in London, and wasn't interested in your feelings. This person isn't a friend, a real friend wouldn't have dreamt of making such a statement to you. She's only interested in you, when she wants you to show her the restaurants and bars in London, so she can have a good time. I'd tell her that you're sorry but you won't be available. You don't owe her an explanation. I'd then step back from the friendship.

If friends don’t make you feel better after seeing them, then there’s no point in continuing to meet with them. That includes competitive friends, narcissistic friends, insensitive friends, freeloading friends and friends who just don’t make you feel good in general.

Did she know at the time that you were upset? Or was she oblivious? How was it when you parted?

In all honesty I think she was being really tactless and probably a bit selfish! Yes it’s good to try to regroup, of course it is, BUT that’s something that will take time and will be a journey, like you say, no one wants to do, but you find yourself there. Whilst it’s been 3 years it must still be hard as your partner died suddenly, you don’t need to see people you just don’t feel understand. Good luck and I hope you’re able to find a way to get through this sad and difficult time x

Tell her you've moved on and don't want to see her again

I think you're not at all unreasonable to not want to see her. People say insensitive things when they don't know what to say after a bereavement but it's really hard to understand how she could think you need to 'move on' 7 months after losing your partner so suddenly. It shows a lack of empathy and emotional intelligence. When my sister died, quite a few of my parents friends told me and my other sister that we had to 'be brave' and 'look after' our mum and dad - I was 12! I'm sure they thought they were being helpful but what a responsibility to put on a child 🙄

She was incredibly tactless and I would assume it was driven by selfishness. She wanted to go out and have fun and you weren't ready and she was more interested in her own feelings.
I wouldn't meet up with her again. Once someone shows you who they really are it's best to take notice. And it sounds like you don't really want to meet up with her anyway.

I think it's a bit beyond not wanting to see her and making an excuse. I think you feel reasonably annoyed at how she behaved on her last visit; making it all about her and what she wanted.

I'm gobsmacked by her and I think it's too generous to give her a free pass because she hasn't experienced the same.

I've been to see my widowed friend in London and even though I've never been widowed understood my role there was to support her in whatever form she wanted. It's not rocket science, it's basically decency.

Do you have friends in common or would falling out with her cause you more hassle? If yes (you really don't need more stress in your life) i would suggest making any vague excuse and ignoring her forever.

However if you feel up to it I would tell her ths truth. "Hi ex friend, I know you're coming to London and expecting to meet up but I don't want to. I've given this a lot of thought and the truth is your flippancy about my bereavement on your last visit was deeply hurtful and I no longer wish to be friends."

Is there any part of you that still wants part of the friendship? If there is maybe put a clear boundary up for ‘I’d be able to X or Y but other commitments wouldn’t allow time for more’.
If there isn’t, then don’t.

A few months after my DMum died (a horrid long ending) a colleague/friend made a similar tactless comment, basically trying to enforce their point of view on me, which was critical of the care I’d given. It really hurt. I was able to mostly avoid that person for a couple of years.
We’ve recently had reason to be in contact again and I’ve been able to value the other parts of them, and our relationship, separate to their thoughtless comment.

She thoughtless and inconsiderate . If she said it now it would still be inappropriate the way she worded it then .There's nicer ways of saying to somebody not to let their life end with the partner's death - but not until you're asked either.
Having gone through the same thing as someone -might make you more empathetic but it's just common decency not to say things like that.